Talking to Teens About Friendship
Monday October 2, 2006
With the school year now in full swing, many parents of teens who are new to high school are hearing about all sorts of new friends and as my daughter puts it, 'really weird people'. While she and I have discussed not judging a book by it's cover, when boys start putting thick disks into their earlobes so make huge holes, I have to agree with her assessment. I understand that some parents like to allow their teens to explore their identity. But here is the rub: teens don’t have their identity yet. They’re trying different ones on. So allowing permanent damage to their body while they are in this process is really not a good idea. It’s makes it harder for them to change direction when they decide this isn’t what they wanted. Plus, it can make it harder for them to make friends.
You are very right in the points you have made. Some Teens have confidence issues when it comes to making new friends. So it is up to the parents to try and build confidence in there children before they hit the
awkward teenage years.
I agree that experimenting with one’s own body during teenage years can cause damage in later adolescence. There are times when parents should impose limits on what their teenager is allowed or not allowed to do with their body. By all means any irreversible treatments should be avoided, simply, because, as stated, youngsters are still looking for an identity and a permanent mark of any kind will label them thus harming their further image of themselves.
Although I completely agree with your statement that children are trying on new identities, I’m a little confused about your point. I am more interested in what you told your daughter about making new friends. Would you advise her to befriend this boy, or keep on walking? It didn’t sound like your daughter was contemplating a permanent piercing of any kind, but was a bit taken back by the different characters at her new school. While encouraging new friendships is important, and learning about what makes a person tick inside is even more important, how do you encourage your child to be non-judgemental and yet discerning about establishing new relationships? Would you describe this outward appearance as a possible “red flag,” or would you encourage her to befriend others kids regardless of their outward appearance?
My teenage son and his friends, both male and female, have been into the “black look” for some time now. They were mostly black clothes,(sometimes with chains, metal loops, etc.) the gals, (and my son at one point,for a “greaser” dance), have dyed their hair black, and they all have pierced ears. Some of them, multiple ear piercings. At one point, my son tried “gaging” the earring hole (making it larger & larger0, and eventually came to the realization that HE did not like the way it looked, and let it close up completely in order to get one “regular” pierceing on the ear. This group of kids, and it is a large one, most of whom have know each other since elementary school, are anti-drug, anti-alcohol, anti-premature sex, and would call any of the parents (myself and my husband included) of the group for a ride home, NO QUESTIONS ASKED, should they eventually find themselves in a situation where others (or even themselves) have been drinking/drugging. This was all discussed with them as a group years ago, before they even entered middle school, and it “reviewed” several times a year. All of these kids parents know each other, because they have made that effort for the safety and well-being of their children. They do well in school. are “good” (in my opinion, GREAT) kids! So, PLEASE, continue to NOT JUDGE A BOOK BY IT’S COVER – these kids are some pretty great “books” that make for VERY interesting reading!!
Teenagers do strange things. It doesn’t matter what exactly they do. However, we parents should understand their needs hidden by this behavior. According to the author of Parenting For Everyone the teenager who just began leaving home without parental guardianship is looking for another kind of protection, “security-We”. The teenager, the author writes, ‘needs another protector, guardians, peers, “our” fellows, “us.” Now the security-We takes over in all its bad connotation. For the rest of his life a great game- “Our” and “Others,” “Us” and “Them”- begins now. It is dictated by the need for safety. “Us” – in our yard, our street; and there are “Them” in the neighbor’s yard, in the neighbor’s street. “Us” won’t offend; “them” would not give way. I can’t leave “us” because I need “us.” If we understand this need we understand everything in a school boy’s behavior.’
I mentioned this quote because I read four different comments to the topic of should the girl have a “weird” friend or not, and I didn’t find the consensus. It is because, in fact, everything in the girl’s choice will depend on how internally free the girl is, that is how she is able to communicate freely with many different teen’s groups and decide to be the personality, she choose to be, independently from any groups. That is not possible for many kids because the way we raise kids is far from ideal.
It’s hard just explaining why she needs to watch out for people. You can’t just say her friend is a back stabber – she can’t see it…