What Do You Do About Hickies?
Friday May 11, 2007
One mom seeks advice: "My 14 yr dd is not allowed to date and we strongly encourage her not to even have bf at school because they can not see each outside of school. The other day we were somewhere and I noticed something on her neck. Of course she tried to deny it, but it did not work. She finally told me she had a bf at school. This is a boy we have very little respect for because we know he is not a trustworthy guy. She received the mark on her neck at school during lunch. I was extremely disappointed with her and hurt and let her know, especially since I asked her if she still associates with this boy and she said very little. My question is, how do I handle this? If her Dad seen this he would probably punish her for life."
Denise’s thoughts: I think there are several issues to look at here. Dating being one - the hicky being another. I believe being grounded for a week including early bedtime might deter another hicky as she won't want to have to deal with that again.
As for the dating at school, I'd let it run its course as long as it is only there. Talk to her about getting in trouble at school. I would also let her know that you don't feel this boy is worth her time, but these are her choices. Plan a busy summer...
Asking our community: What would you do or have you done about your teen getting a hicky? Leave a comment here or post to the forum thread.
More: Teen Dating Quiz: Are they friends or are they dating? | Talk to Your Teen About Dating
Comments
I don’t agree. I will say, first off, that I am not a parent, I am a 16 year old guy, but I feel my opinion is valid just the same. I think that, if you know the boy is not trustworthy, then you can make that point, but punishing your kid just because she has found someone they love at school is a little ridiculous. If you don’t want your child dating until they are older, fine, but grounding them is not the way to go, and calling the hickey an “issue” is really ridiculous. There are worse things they could be doing, and you should be glad it’s only a harmless hickey. Nothing comes of it, and they go away. And, by the way, when you try to pressure information out of a teenager, they clam up. You yourself were a teen once, you should know this. And please, for your daughter’s sanity, don’t be one of those parents who freak out and worry just because their kid doesn’t tell them EVERYTHING. Teens want to live their own life, and all you can do is sit back and coach from the sidelines, without jumping onto the field and playing the game for them, figuratively speaking. Well, that’s all I have to say. If anyone wishes to agree/ disagree/ whatever, email me at P1e1t1e1r1@gmail.com, I would love to discuss different viewpoints.
I do have to say I also agree with Peter more than with Denise. Punishing her might result in different consequenses (she might close herself up and feel she’s not understood; controlling her actions by punishing her isn’t the way to go). Same goes, in my opinion, to making decisions for her (e. g. planning a busy summer) - everyone needs to have a certain amount of control in their lives - that’s a basis of a healthy person.
Explaining your true reasons why you’re against her dating and having a boyfriend might make her understand your rules a lot better. And being open about your thoughts and feelings are a basis of a healthy relationship (the one where none of you feels they have to hide important aspects of their lives from another, for example).
PS: you might also want ask yourself why are you upset about this hickey? Is it because it’s an indication she’s dating? Is it because it’s an indications of what she’s doing with this bf? Is it the way or the time (during a school break) she got it? Or is it the fact she broke rules you had set for her?