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What Do You Do About Hickies?

By May 11, 2007

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One mom seeks advice: "My 14 yr dd is not allowed to date and we strongly encourage her not to even have bf at school because they can not see each outside of school. The other day we were somewhere and I noticed something on her neck. Of course she tried to deny it, but it did not work. She finally told me she had a bf at school. This is a boy we have very little respect for because we know he is not a trustworthy guy. She received the mark on her neck at school during lunch. I was extremely disappointed with her and hurt and let her know, especially since I asked her if she still associates with this boy and she said very little. My question is, how do I handle this? If her Dad seen this he would probably punish her for life."

Deniseís thoughts: I think there are several issues to look at here. Dating being one - the hicky being another. I believe being grounded for a week including early bedtime might deter another hicky as she won't want to have to deal with that again.

As for the dating at school, I'd let it run its course as long as it is only there. Talk to her about getting in trouble at school. I would also let her know that you don't feel this boy is worth her time, but these are her choices. Plan a busy summer...

Asking our community: What would you do or have you done about your teen getting a hicky? Leave a comment here or post to the forum thread.

More: Teen Dating Quiz: Are they friends or are they dating? | Talk to Your Teen About Dating

May 17, 2007 at 7:28 pm
(1) Peter Capozzoli says:

I don’t agree. I will say, first off, that I am not a parent, I am a 16 year old guy, but I feel my opinion is valid just the same. I think that, if you know the boy is not trustworthy, then you can make that point, but punishing your kid just because she has found someone they love at school is a little ridiculous. If you don’t want your child dating until they are older, fine, but grounding them is not the way to go, and calling the hickey an “issue” is really ridiculous. There are worse things they could be doing, and you should be glad it’s only a harmless hickey. Nothing comes of it, and they go away. And, by the way, when you try to pressure information out of a teenager, they clam up. You yourself were a teen once, you should know this. And please, for your daughter’s sanity, donít be one of those parents who freak out and worry just because their kid doesnít tell them EVERYTHING. Teens want to live their own life, and all you can do is sit back and coach from the sidelines, without jumping onto the field and playing the game for them, figuratively speaking. Well, thatís all I have to say. If anyone wishes to agree/ disagree/ whatever, email me at P1e1t1e1r1@gmail.com, I would love to discuss different viewpoints.

May 23, 2007 at 5:37 am
(2) Marisa says:

I do have to say I also agree with Peter more than with Denise. Punishing her might result in different consequenses (she might close herself up and feel she’s not understood; controlling her actions by punishing her isn’t the way to go). Same goes, in my opinion, to making decisions for her (e. g. planning a busy summer) – everyone needs to have a certain amount of control in their lives – that’s a basis of a healthy person.
Explaining your true reasons why you’re against her dating and having a boyfriend might make her understand your rules a lot better. And being open about your thoughts and feelings are a basis of a healthy relationship (the one where none of you feels they have to hide important aspects of their lives from another, for example).

May 23, 2007 at 5:40 am
(3) Marisa says:

PS: you might also want ask yourself why are you upset about this hickey? Is it because it’s an indication she’s dating? Is it because it’s an indications of what she’s doing with this bf? Is it the way or the time (during a school break) she got it? Or is it the fact she broke rules you had set for her?

June 6, 2010 at 6:43 pm
(4) momsonit says:

I’m not proud to say, that recently after inadvertently discovering my son sporting a hicki on his neck I unkindly flipped out. I had hoped and planned that when this moment occurred in his life (as I knew it would), I would muster some self control and not take it so seriously. Unfortunately the circumstances surrounding this event took me off guard and my reaction surprised us both. My son’s emotional world had recently fallen apart when his girlfriend died unexpectedly and he had been actively grieving over the loss. His father and I have been going through a divorce and he simultaneously had been turned upside down by that loss as well. In addition, his grandmother recently died. All this combined has led to a great deal of concern on my part and finding the Hicki on his neck… well, I leaped to worry that he is seeking comfort rather than relationship and let him know how I felt about it. In the end, after the explosion between us which I felt horrible over… we were able to speak frankly with one another about what he has been going through emotionally and, what this Hicki meant to him. I was able to explain to him why I was so concerned, as well as inform him what the Hicki implies to anyone looking at it… that he is sexually active with the girl who put it there. In the end, I gave him much more information and opinion than I am sure he wanted. On the other hand, given the weight of his emotional world. I think I was right to be concerned.

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