Parenting Advice: Mom of Abused PreTeen Seeks Help
Denise’s thoughts: “You can do this! I've seen mistreated children succeed and when they do - wow! - it's pretty amazing how successful they become. Here are some thoughts from me:
It is normal to fear your child's adolescence a little bit, but be careful that she doesn't read that as you being afraid of her. Think of it more like the terrible two's and a time where you can enjoy watching who she becomes.
A parent of a child who has been abused should take extra time to be the child's advocate. While I think this is good advice for all parents, it is even more important to sure up the support for kids whose foundation has been cracked. 'I am here for you - always.' 'I love you.' 'I think you are wonderful.' Keep your messages to her positive and that you are on her side. Create times to talk with her by doing things together. Be her biggest fan.
Help her with her bed wetting problem. This is hurting her self-esteem. I'm not sure what you're doing about it, but I would start with her doctor to be sure she doesn't have a medical condition that explains the problem. Either way, talk to her, say something like: "I think we can handle this problem together. How about if we try..." then set a schedule to get her up at night to visit the bathroom.
I would also look to get her active in something that uses her talents. Do your best to add positive experiences in her life. Also take a look at this article: Encourage Positive Friendships.”
Asking Our Community: Do you have some encouraging words to share with this mom? Can you offer any insight that will help her and her daughter? Share your advice in the comments section or on the forum.
There is an alarm you can buy that was fixed the problem for my son. It attaches to the underpants and goes off at the first hint of wetness. I am not sure if it would be helpful in this case since my son’s issue seemed to be that he slept too soundly. It may be worth checking into.
I have a 15 year old that just stopped wetting the bed in the last year. Most children do grow out of it, but the advice from our doctor did help, mostly to have the child drink enough during the day so she is not thirsty at bedtime, and to avoid caffeine. I would definitely have her see a doctor. Please also consider a therapist for both kids and some support for yourself, either a therapist or support group. The kids need to know that what happened is not their fault, and you need support for yourself. Hang in there and don’t be afraid to ask for help.
Your daughter is fortunate to have a mom who cares and is finding ways to help. In addition to providing all the support, the right trusting relationship and therapy can make a huge difference – in particular, cognitive behavior therapy with someone trained to work with children who have been abused is widely used and respected – to help with the immediate issues and prevent potential later problems in school and in relationships. It can help children learn positive coping strategies, manage confusing feelings, and enhance their self esteem.
Mom, you are such a brave woman and to be highly commended for fighting for your children. I think the other suggestions that you have received for the bed wetting (alarm clock and scheduling during the night) are wonderful ideas and definitely work. As far as the fear that is being felt, that is normal. The protector, head of the home was projecting and actually giving out the opposite of what he was supposed to do – so all of you have been left with much to put together. It is so very possible to heal. I would love to speak with you more if you would like – feel free to contact me if you would like Be encouraged
As a grown woman who WAS that child, though it was my brother, not my father, and I was the only child young enough to be involved. I would say that putting aside your own feelings of guilt and pain and supporting your daughter is probably the most important thing you can do…yes, apologize for your poor relationship choices in her father, but once you’ve done that, let her know that whenever she needs to talk about it, you are there and you believe and you don’t think she’s dirty, a slut, did something to cause it…etc, etc…Stay very far away from any cold attitude that can make the problem for her worse. (Obviously, my parents failed at this. *bf*) TALK to her, find out if she thinks counseling will help, find out if she’s having more trouble relating to people, trusting boys, etc.
If my parents had been willing to talk and not just wipe it under the rug like dirty family laundry, I might have an easier time of dealing with strangers and unknown, or even known men than I do. Good luck and my prayers are with you!
I am also raising a child who was abused by her father and have had some of the same issues. What helped my daughter was getting her into the Big Brother and Big Sisters program, it gave her positive encouragement and allowed her the opportunity to talk to someone other than me.
Just adding to the list of excellent comments:
A child thinks still as a child but will never look at her childhood the same as before the abuse. Emotional traces can already be helped now with EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) which allow the child to let go of negative and perhaps traumatizing events. Emotions are stored on our energy meridian system in form of emotional memory. EFT works as a kind of acupuncture but WITHOUT NEEDLES. This method also called “tapping” can be use on several issues you as mom might have and can help both of you to let go of the emotional baggage that otherwise may obstruct you in your educative process and her in her emotional development.
Comment to Sandra: This method can also help you as it has proven effective for similar cases before, as well.
Please also read about Louise Hay, who writes about her own experience in “You Can Heal Your Life”; what she has done further to experiencing all the negative consequences is develop effective positive affirmations which help dealing with the theme of abuse and the emotional weight one has to learn to let go.
I firmly believe that you can help your child and yourself to put an end to feelings of being a “victim” and turn them into BEING a “victor” in such life-changing circumstances.
Much love and courage for you and thank you for being a model in taking ACTION in your own and your daughter’s life.
Agapé!
Your children are lucky to have such a caring mom! First of all and most importantly, seek God’s assistance in prayer! Ask Him for your guidance and direction in all of your decisions. Early intervention will be crucial! I had 4 stepfathers and my sister, brother and I were all abused. If it were not for the support of a very loving extended biological and church family and their love and prayers we could not have been where we are today. I think we will always be dysfunctional but we have all been to college, graduated, I have a master’s degree and we have all been able to make it on our own with our own families. I think my brother has struggled more than my sister and I, even though we suffered more abuse. I don’t know why this is but please don’t overlook getting help for your son also. Find some type of sport or activity that they enjoy doing and be their number 1 fan! Pray for God to reveal their passions and talents that He has given them and pursue them. Seek good Christian counseling that will allow you to be present or to hear what is being said during sessions. Do not take a chance on putting them alone with someone else who could mess them up worse! There should be free Christian counseling available but do your selecting carefully. I also recommend the book Lies Young Women Believe, you can visit Revive Our Hearts.com with Nancy Leigh DeMoss and receive the book for any donation. The website may also be under Seeking Him, one of those should get you through. Again, I admire your courage, stay strong and keep working hard for your kids. You have an extremely short amount of time left with them and a lot of damage has been done. Once they are gone you can’t go back and re-parent them so continue to do everything in your power to get them the help they need now. You will be in my prayers! Please feel free to contact me if you ever need to talk at tyler8@setel.com. God Bless You! Leshia