Parenting Tip #11: Why Trapping Your Teen Won’t Work
Thursday February 28, 2008
I’ve recently gotten a few emails from parents who are looking to ‘catch their teen in the act’ of some misbehavior that the parents know the teen is doing, but feel they need ‘proof’ before confronting the teen with a consequence. While this works for law enforcement and on television, it doesn’t work in families because this practice ignores some fundamental truths: Parents love their children and are there to provide nurturing learning experiences so the child can become as happy and successful as possible. Setting your teen up and trapping him/her rips at your parent-child bonds and destroys trust. While it can seem tempting at times, it is really not the way to go.
Instead, try the direct approach and you may even be able to prevent the misbehavior altogether. Talk to your teen about your worries and the misbehavior. Send a clear message and set rules and expectations. If you feel you need to check up on your teen to overt the unwanted behavior, then clearly communicate this to your teen. If the misbehavior occurs, know that your teen is learning, it’s not personal. Dole out the necessary consequences. Auto-rewind, repeat.
What is your perspective? Share your opinions in our comments area.
More: 3 Reasons Why Your Teen Needs Fair and Firm Discipline | 3 Reasons Why Parents Shouldn’t Use Scare Tactics
Comments
nothing that i say or do positive or negative has any effect to my son, my son will b 15 in two weeks and im loosing it,,—- i have never been on a forum before and am shedding tears as i type but feel like i am fighting a loosing battle dont know what to do…………..any advice but please please not the the teenage hormone stuff
I don’t believe you have to “trap” your child to confront them. However, depending upon the situation, it might be better to confront with facts and not suspicions. Also depending upon the age of the child, they can attempt to make you think you are the one not being trustworthy, being overprotected, and constantly accusatory. Kids can then just become more secretive and careful to hide from you. When you do have facts, it can cut though all of that turmoil, and maybe get the child to be honest and talk with you - which is a good thing. As you can see, there are lots of variables in determining the best approach in confronting your teen.
Having been a parent for 36 years, this March, I thought I had seen and heard it all, but these youngsters are so much more savy today than I ever was, that you really need to keep an open eye and ear. I rely on my senses. If it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. There are text messages, my space bullying, and other assorted ways to get secretive messages across, that we have to really read the facial expressions, and know the moods our young people portray. If I have a concern, I go to the source, but if I don’t gain satisfaction, I rely on the school counselor to keep me informed. We keep this on a strictly personal basis, but it has helped me understand the bad moods my daughter may come home with, and it’s usually something she’ll share, but only after she’s had time to reprogram after being in school all day. I find that girls can be especially cruel in the fact that they tend to over-dramatize so many things right down to the way you dress, wear your hair, and they can be so jealous, that the rumors they start are almost criminal in nature. I have read every book from Mean Girls to Queen Bee Wannabees, to Ugly People, and it just reinforces my belief that our young people are up against a lot more peer pressure than we ever were at their stage in life. My daughter is 17,works on a job, attends school full time, and does her best. She supplies her own clothes, at least the ones we refuse to pay high prices for, and when she wears them to school, she’s been asked where she stole them from? She’s been called”white trash” if she speaks to someone of another color, which has really hurt my daughter. She believes that everyone is worth acknowledging, and I am proud of the fact that she believes in diversity. Not everything is “gray.” We have had bullies drive by and egg her car, shout obscenities in the early hours, and yes, far past curfew, but it has died down since I called the police and have kept a journal of these episodes. I also blame many of these parents for raising their children to be regular “mean girls,” because you cannot tell me they don’t know what’s going on. Then, when I read the book about the “Mean Mothers,” it all made sense people. The apple will never fall far from the tree!! Love your children, keep an open eye, ear, and mind, and always let them know that you are there for them. Unconditional love is the greatest gift you can bestow upon them. Sit back, hang on, and keep your powers of observation keen, as they will help you persevere. Don’t give up, just keep on listening.
I left out one more piece of information that I found to be most interesting. When my daughter was in the ninth grade, the bullying became so horrific, that there was a Peer Helpers Group that was formed to help deal with these issues. I approached the principal and vice-principal, and suggested they put together an assembly to deal with bullying, and other related issues, and they embraced the idea, gave me a date, and asked me to write a brief explanation of my feelings, name withheld, of course. I was pleased, did what they requested, then the assembly day came, and was canceled. The bullies won out! They threatened to beat up the Peer Helpers group if the assembly became a reality. I was appalled! I called the vice-principal and let her know that she had let a lot of kids down. The worst part of it all, was that the bullies had won out.
school backed down, and after that, it just continued to get worse. My daughter has been going through this for two-and-a-half years, but she is keeping her head held high, knowing that next year she will graduate, and move into the real world, where you pay for an education, and you are serious, and the “drama” has played out, at least for the teen-aged wannabees. Be strong, and just keep the faith, and holdyour head high.
I agree with your opinion of not laying traps for our teens but discuss suspicious behaviour early enough.
I am surprised at the number of parents I know who do not have any idea of what their teenagers are up to. If these mothers and fathers would in the very least simply read their child’s MySpace page, how their eyes would be opened! These same parents complain how their children are defiant and they don’t know what to do about the behavior. These same parents will roll their eyes and say, “Oh well, what can we do, (s)he’s a typical teenager.” No, not all teenagers are typical. No, not all teenagers act the same way. If you turn away because you have the excuse that “Everybody is doing it,” or “What can we do, it’ll only make things worse?” then, yes, let the child raise themselves. Let the child deal by themselves with whatever consequences come about. Children are entrusted to us. A parent cannot close their eyes to what is not pretty to see. Mothers and fathers, please open up your ears and eyes before it is too late.
Unbelieveable. That is terrible! You will be so sorry when you finally grow up, as we all (no matter how good or bad) are when we grow up and find out our parent only had the best in mind for us… you think these people are your friends? You will learn one day, who your friends really are. How sad.
As a parent of a teen (and, yes, I work full time), I try to rely on organizations in the area to help. To start with, he’s ADD. Not a fun combintation. I’ve always been firm with, him, yet fair. I let him have his freedom, but I have always let him know that certain privledges are earned.
He started skipping school. I’m now in constant contact with the school, a drop in centre in the area and the local library that he likes to hang out in. He’s also now seeing a psychologist. I’ve also taken away all of his “goodies” (mp3, radio, tv)
He still needs certain freedoms, as to pay the bills, I have to be at work. As much as I’d love to follow him around all day, that wouldn’t do any of us any good. I’ve basically made skipping school as uncomfortable as possible for him. Hopefully, something sinks in at some point.