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Teens Sends Naked Pictures

By March 21, 2008

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Father seeks help: "Our daughter is very smart scholastically, but she did something very immature by sending out graphic pictures of herself to some kids. She is in 10th grade. She goes to a small private school, and the friends she has had for the past 10 years will not talk to her, and now we know why. I'm struggling with the decision to take her out of the private school and send her to the local public school after she completes 10th grade. My feeling is that her old friends will never accept her again, and it will be impossible to get a new start at her current school.

Will changing schools in 11th grade negatively impact her? I'm thinking she could possibly start out fresh and gain new friends. Am I wrong in that thinking? Should we just have her ride out the last 2 years of high school where she is now?

I'd really appreciate input on this one."

Asking our community: Do you feel changing schools will help this teen? What else could she do to overcome her mistake? Read Denise's thoughts and leave your opinion on the forum or in our comments area.

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Comments
March 21, 2008 at 9:32 am
(1) Brenda says:

I don’t get why changing schools would effect her behavior. Wht not deal with why she sent out the photos? It seems she is feeling like she needs some love and attention and sending out the photos is a cry for help. Changing schools would be a further disconnect. It seems this is a self esteem issue and the parents need to recognize it before she gets into serious trouble. Love is always the answer.
The school issue seems like a separate one, but I think a public school would expose her to more opportunities for inappropriate behavior. We need to look at what’s happening inside the child.

March 21, 2008 at 9:58 am
(2) Renay says:

I agree with Brenda. I don’t think switching schools is the answer and I know for a fact (because it happened with my kids) that a public school will definitely expose her to more opportunites for her current behavior and other inappropriate behavior as well. I have two teen-age sons (16 and 18) and I know they have received similar pictures on their phones from girls they know. Unfortunately, these days it’s not that uncommon, but it is still very wrong. If she were my daughter I would sit down and talk to her about the REAL reason she sent these photos. Did someone ask for them or was it her idea? Did she send them to a whole bunch of boys or just one? (I’m assuming she sent them to the opposite sex.)The thought occured to me that maybe someone pressured her into doing this and she gave in…that’s giving her the benefit of the doubt but not excusing her behavior. Whatever her reason, she IS crying out for attention. She’s missing something somewhere and as her parents, I believe it’s up to you to find out what that something is.

March 21, 2008 at 10:03 am
(3) Terry says:

Unfortunatley today kids are sending stuff like this to each other all the time – or at least showing off on thier personal MYSpace, etc. However this doesn’t discount that the child probably is looking for some kind of attention in an inappropriate way.
As far as the school issue goes, my 10th grade son advised she should stay where she is and tough it out, but if it really gets too bad she should switch to a new private school –not public. He switched from public to private and thinks she would have low self esteem going the reverse route after a social mishap.

March 21, 2008 at 10:27 am
(4) Elvi says:

If it were my daughter, I would first pray for guidance… then I would try to see if I felt angry, hurt, or frustrated about the incident. This could indicate to me my daughter’s reason for doing such. Then I would prepare myself so that when I talk with my daughter, I can be calm and rational, and together we could sort out the issues that led to this incident.

March 21, 2008 at 11:32 am
(5) Jan Duke says:

Teens will often adventure into risky behaviors, sometimes looking for attention, but also just enjoying the thrill of the risk. Rather than change schools, you might consider dealing directly with the issue of the behavior that brought the rift in the friendships.
Growing up is a process, just as learning to deal with mistakes and profit by them. First, make a list of the friends she has “lost.” Second, write a letter to each of them, apologizing for her lack of good judgment, and third expressing her profound embarrassment for any hurt or humiliation that reflected on them.Lastly, ask for their forgiveness.
Why? because it is the RIGHT thing to do! Her apology is necessary for them and for her. Even as adults we make mistakes at home and the workplace. Apologies are in order. We teach our children by leading by example, so parents can reflect on their own errors in teaching this 10th grader.
Once she has mailed (not emailed) the apology letters, she can follow up with a phone call several days later and ask for a time to meet in person. If there is no response, the error is then shared with those she apologized to. Forgiveness is a two-way street. First from God to the offended, then from the offender to the offended, then from the offended back to the offender. To not forgive, when asked or not, violates Biblical principals.

March 21, 2008 at 11:37 am
(6) Dee says:

I agree with Brenda, difficult though it is changing schools may not be the best option. Firstly you dont know what public scholl she will get into and how she will fare. Secondly we have all done things we really and truly regret in our lives, ‘we cannot undo the past we can only shape the future’. So talk to her find out why she did this. Being in a private school indicates a certain level of intelligence so there may be some other issues going on that you may not be aware of, also has she been too shielded so as not to understand the devastating and possibly long lasting effect doing something like this could have especially espeically with internet, myspace etc, pictures could go farafield and come back to haunt her in the future. In order try to wipe the slate clean could she talk to and apologise to her friends (and maybe parents?) and get a commitment from them to delete and copies. She will probably have to work hard for a while to regain respect and trust (dont forget that some of these friends may have told their parents who could be behind that ‘dont associate with her again’ approach.

March 21, 2008 at 3:55 pm
(7) Nora says:

If she was my daughter I wouldn’t switch her to another school. If the people in the new school found out what she had done, she would be right where she is right now… with not the reputation she probably wants to convey. With a different school your daughter would be clueless as to who are the best kids, for her, to hang out with. You don’t want her to go from the frying pan into the fire. Whatever the reason(s) she sent out those pictures, she has to deal with it. Even though she is in 10th grade, she has to learn that Mom and Dad won’t always be there to bail her out. As a parent you should guide her and educate her about “proper” behaviors, but what she does is ultimately up to her. Now about the “friends” she has lost. She needs to talk one to one with each of these friends and ask them what is in their minds about what happened. If they are true friends they will be able to forgive her for her actions, and if not remain close friends anymore, at least be able to be civil with her. If they cannot forgive her and move on then they are not the friends she thought they were and so be it. Perhaps with time the friend(s) she lost may come back to her. I don’t think it is a case of low self esteem. I think it is a case of simply not having been aware of all the consequences that could happen after such a move. If she hasn’t been punished yet should she be? I think she is learning a valuable lesson and any additional punishment by you would be unnecessary. If you get wind of other immature things she starts doing, then I would suggest enlisting the help of someone outside of the family, like a trained counselor in teenage/family relationships to add their input. I wish you and your daughter the best. And always always tell her you love her. You may not love what she does, sometimes, but you will always love HER.

March 21, 2008 at 4:11 pm
(8) susan says:

First let me address what is probably a large disappointment felt by the parents. We all believe our children will always make the right choices because isn’t that what we’ve been teaching them all their lives? Then BOOM reality hits and we realize our children are human and susceptible to pressures, urges, and ideas so normal for adolescents and that, after all, they still are children and part of growing up is making mistakes and learning from them (we HOPE). This is also a reason to not change schools, regardless of her intellect or perceived outside influences, as all kinds attend all schools.
this is a huge learning experience for this young lady and also for her friends. Distancing themselves right now is probably a “guilt by association” response where showing their closeness might intimate that they are involved in similar behavior, or maybe other students’ parents are not allowing socialization with her. Time will be the best friend to this girl. I hope she has one human friend she can at least phone or IM, because she needs someone to confide in for the everyday things that teens deal with. the ‘old’ friends who realign with the daughter here will be the ones who know what friendship, forgiveness and understanding mean,and those will be the friends you will want your daughter to have,be it 1 or 2 people and not the entire student body.

March 22, 2008 at 4:40 pm
(9) Angela says:

God will help you know what course is best for you and your child. I would think that she is old enough to deal with the decision she has made, with you love and support of course. It is easy to cut your loses and run, to start over. Find out the who, what, where, how, and why of the whole thing first and go from there. Maybe she needs to stick it out. Maybe she needed a fresh start before or just a new group of friends. My sister went to private school and got into MORE trouble than I ever even saw in my public school (don’t ask why we went to different schools, its a long story). You will make the best decsion you can and she will be stronger in the long run.

March 22, 2008 at 5:41 pm
(10) Carmen says:

I am a police officer, and a mother to a young daughter. I receive calls all the times from young 18-19 years old that want to do police reports because someone put their naked picture on the internet. It’s sad that as parents we have to talk to our children real young what’s out there(sex, drugs, boys trying to b.s them just to get them into bed, and then they would move on to the next girl to have sex with her, about the peer pressure of alcohol and sex, drugs), etc. Talk to your girls when they go out drinking at 21, 22, 23, when they get drunk, they leave their purses on the table, they have sex with the guys, some get a drug in their drink and they have sex with guys they don’t know, so tell them to stay away from the bars, or to accept any drinks from guys, or to even let their drinks unattendant.

It’s so much that’s out there, and we have to protect our children.

In my opinion maybe going to a different private school might be the answer, but not a private school. Kids will never forget, and they cannot wait to make fun of her, especially if she is pretty and smart, because, just as adults, people diminish others in order for them to feel elevated. But I think that your little girl might have some emotional issues, or she just wants to belong. Lots of girls all over the world pose nude on the internet, it’s just the hip thing to do, which is pretty sad, but you have to monitor everything they do, including the internet, and what friends they have. Time will heal, but people don’t forget, especially from a small town. She will be embaresses and not want to attend school, or she will not get good grades if she continue to go to that school. Or if she’s tough, she has to leave with what she did. Explain to her that when she grown up and she might want to be someone, such as a politician, or someone in a famous company, someone will always have the picture to discredit who she is. It’s very important to talk to your children as early as 9-10 years old, because believe me, they are having sex that young. We as parents thing that it’s not holly, or whatever old fashion beliefs we have in that talking sex is dirty. If you don’t talk to your kids to prepare them for when the moment arrives, including examples of peer pressure, the opposite sex trying to have sex with your child (girls can be more aggressive that boys when it comes to sex) so teach your children about diseases, child support, and that girls poke wholes in the condomn or lie that they are on birth control to get pregnant because they think that the boys will stay with them forever. Give your children scenerials intil they know what do to in every circumstance. It’s hard, but it you don’t talk to them, “the streets” will teach them. Believe me, they will remember the talks you had with them. Keep on talking, they might not like it, but I remember everything my mom taught me, and I am glad she did, because I had lots of opportunities and peer pressure to do all the things our children feel pressure to do.

March 22, 2008 at 8:50 pm
(11) Michelle says:

Well, I’m going to take a completely different approach to this problem that I haven’t seen yet. What really needs to be handled is the fact that you’re daughter is in 10th grade and there are nude pictures of her. A child in 10th grade is a minor, i.e. under the age of 18. I’m surprised the policewoman/mom didn’t bring this up. Those pictures are child pornography. When I was that young it was illegal to take, pass around, and possess any pictures of any child, boy or girl under the age of 18. Has that law changed? You as her father need to find out who took her picture and how they got passed around. The authorities need to be involved in this. We adults are supposed to be protecting our kids from these ADULT issues. It is highly inappropriate for a girl that age to be posing nude. This is not an issue of low self esteem, she has a high enough self esteem to consider her body ready for the whole world to see nude. Anyone who has in his/her possession a picture of your minor daughter is now consider by law a sex offender. So, the issue is not her self esteem, but the fact that she broke the law in posing and sending out her nude pictures. So should she be taken out of her private school? She should be in juvenile detention for breaking the law.

March 23, 2008 at 10:29 am
(12) Farouk says:

Brenda is absolutely right. First parents should know that their child took such pictures to seek attention which is lacking in the house. Changing school would certainly make things worse.I would suggest that parents of the child pay more attentation, provide ample love, care for the child and make her life comfortable at home, treat them like friends. Scolding and punishing will bring negative effects to the child. Listen to them.

March 23, 2008 at 11:39 am
(13) Allura says:

Removing her from school so she can start over is teaching her she can run away from her problems and take no responsibility for her actions. It would be a terrible life lesson.

March 23, 2008 at 1:14 pm
(14) no name says:

so i am a teen. and what she probably more a like needs is a summer away. when i was in the 10th grade i made some pretty big mistakes that caught up with fast socially and i go to public school. but a new environment to find her self in could be really good for her and you. changing schools is ulimately up to her. but no matter which school you go there is drama. I don’t know what state you’re in but if you have something like a “running start” program like Washington which is where students in the 11th and 12th grade can attend college for credits toward their AA and HS grad, she might just need that. No drama in community colleges. Just an idea.

–just another teen.

March 26, 2008 at 8:20 am
(15) Busi says:

i agree with the rest comments but still whatever reason she may give is not going to make sense the thing is it is not easy for a man to raise a teenage girl this child needs attention in a wrong way she must just stop it because going to the public school wont solve the problem these children dont have respect for themselves. maybe somebody threanens her she needs councelling because she wont tell her dad the reason it was just a silly thing to do. just be patient with her and that doesnt mean that u dont love her, or else she’s mixing with wrong friends and it will hurt a parent so dearly.

March 26, 2008 at 10:54 am
(16) gaylepro says:

As a mother of a 16 year old boy, I know this same thing is happening in the public schools. You won’t be fixing the problem by changing schools. I also have four grown married daughters and I have learned by very hard experience that sometimes, tough love is the best love you can give your child. If your daughter really wants to make this better she should face what she has done and talk personally to her friends. Accepting ownership and sincerly apologizing could go a long way to mending the damage that is done. It is hard but it is the way character is built. Good luck! and give your daughter a big hug as you push her out the door to fix her problem.

March 26, 2008 at 11:01 am
(17) Libby Shelton says:

Yea, lets call everyone with a picture of a teen a sex offender…put that on all their records so the rest of their lives they can try to explain why they got a picture in their email from some chic and then got sued. THAT is NOT the ANSWER….she sent it herself, took it herself, she is the problem and she needs to be looked at….It was probably just a dumb mistake, realized after it was too late. Kids do it all the time. It will be old news within a week, when some other naive teen does something similar.

March 26, 2008 at 11:26 am
(18) Poonam says:

I am a mother of a teenage daughter who has made some pretty bad choices and I have moved her to a private school and am keeping strict tabs on her and making sure that she is not in a place where she can make those bad choices. If my daughter fails it will be 100 percent my responsibility. And I would suggest that you also take responsibility for your lovely – though misguided child.

It is easy to judge her and punish her – but that will not bring the result that you may want. The result you want is that (1) She builds her self esteem – she is not a body…she has a mind (2) She attends to her need for validation in different ways that you will have to allow her to discover (3) That time heals…and those who have turned away from her will return or will not matter

For this to happen I have a few suggestions:

1) Do not move her to a public school
2) If you can move her to another private school that is fine
3) But try to keep her in the same school if possible
4) Have private talks with her ‘friends’ and enroll them into helping her succeed and move on – be part of a treatment program called – loving unconditionally
5) She does not need to apologize for her behavior to the ‘morality police’ but needs to be strong enough not to do it again
6) Believe me if she is put into the corner – she will do something worse
7) Please read “Reviving Ophelia” to understand todays culture among girls and how hard it is to not fall prey
8) Remember to treat your daughter as a worthy human who has made a mistake
9) Love her unconditionally and do not draw away from her
10) Remind her that ‘all things must pass’ and that she has a future – and get her a good therapist and anti-depressants.

Good luck – she will turn around but only if you put strong restrictions on her, monitor her and love her – she will feel save and relived that you are taking the decision-making out of her hands – she is not well and needs to be held and restored.

March 26, 2008 at 2:07 pm
(19) Brian Devereaux says:

Seems to me there’s failure to communicate, as it was said in a movie. First, take her out on a ‘date’. You’re the dad, so this is ok. Talk to her and show her how she needs to act on date. At the same time you make small talk, as you would on a date, about what’s going on in her life, who the current friends are (it changes often), and toss out some low-key fatherly advice. If this is just a game that ‘everybody does’, tell her when she turns of age, she make those decsions. FOr now, its not allowed in MY house. Make a punishment that will stick! You may have a bigger problem at which point there are school counselors, clergy, or teen groups that will get her around a different element socially. THEN make the decision to change or whatever. I think most folks here, with good intentions mind you, are making judgements not based on all the facts. Do this now so when she gets older, its more comfortable when it REALLY gets real. C’mon dad, I’ve got two close to that age and I monitor and ask all the time.Sometimes you here things you need to know without asking. Like “duh”, as they would say.

March 29, 2008 at 12:07 am
(20) Mary says:

I home school my 15 yr old daughter now. She was doing the same stuff. And getting suspended and skipping the entire day etc. Then I had trouble with getting her to do the work I gave her (not to mention I stink at Science and Math – so I now have her signed up with Florida Virtual School – she does her classes online. I also got her a counselor/therapist. She comes to our house every Thurs at 1pm and it’s helping. I plan on continuing for 1 year. Next school year though she will be at a “magnet” school studying cosmetology or web design or nursing. Good luck – one bright spot is that they DO outgrow it eventually – IF you survive! :)

April 1, 2008 at 1:11 pm
(21) rose says:

for the mom with the boy, u could change schools. counseling is a good idea, but will take several sessions for him to open up. U might have to drag him there or make punishments for non compliance. If cant afford that, counseling at school or youth program at state or local level, ie, sacramento county youth probation center) u can call and ask about programs. He could be doing marijuana. All of my problems are due to marijuana, alcohol and the kids my son chooses to hang out with. The older kids thunk it funny to turn my 12 yr old onto marihuana. Now, I have a continual problem for last 2 years. It causes lying, stealing, not doing school work, laziness, temper problems. He may not do it regularly, but a little goes a long way. You can call the police if he’s out past curfew or sneaks out. I have had to set the limits and follow thru with punishments and not divert from what I say. SAY WHAT U MEAN, then ENFORCE IT!.. It does work. My son threatened to run away if I didnt let him go out on a friday nite ( he was grounded). I said pack bags and dont come back (harsh, I know) and said “I will change the locks too”. He didn’t go anywhere. Then it was he was going to kill himself. I said, “We’ll have to call the police and have them take him to hospital cuz he wants to hurt himself, so he needs a doctor. I do pretty well on following thru with my punishments..so he knows, I will do what I say..and he doesnt want to take that chance. His bully tactics didnt get him out on friday nite, and he lived thru it. He is 14, but looks 16. My counselor said the only thing kids need are food, water, and shelter. Take away his tv, his game players, his stereo, his ipod or whatever else..hide or it or lock it up. The next consequence for sneaking out or whatever take off his door to his room..hide the bolts. Take away favorite clothing. These are good punishments. good luck!! you’ll need it!!

April 3, 2008 at 1:03 pm
(22) Ruth says:

Dear mum
i admire you for taking pains of setting off the alarm and going to the school and letting him know that you care so much that you would still be concerned

I think that this is a problem which needs to be dealt with with a professional hand as well. he could be harbouring some anger which is causing him to react this way.

the fact that he can work and help out could be an indication that it s something that he likes doing, and so you could help him involve and keep himself busy this way. this could be a safety valve for him

take care and i wish you luck
ruth

June 19, 2008 at 1:02 am
(23) Lindsey says:

Hi. I am a 15 year old girl that is going through some of the same things as your daughter. I didn’t have any pictures but i did lose all of my friends because they just decided one day that I wasn’t worthy enough to be their friend. I moved school and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Your daughter made a mistake just like everyone. She doesn’t need to endure all of that crap at school everyday. That will lead to more anger and sadness about it all. Send her to a therapist because she is definitely feeling depressed about being abandoned by all of her friends, as was I. A fresh start is great and public school is great too! She will definitely make friends just because she is new and everyone wants to know the new girl.
The people commenting above may feel like they are saying whats best for your daughter but if she goes on for 2 more years having to face that terror everyday then she’ll be scarred forever.

hope this helped:)

January 12, 2009 at 6:40 pm
(24) Dee says:

Changing schools won’t help that young lady. The ball started to roll in private schools because most of the ‘bad’ things my daughter learned were in a private school. She now attends public school and she has lost all of her Christian friends because she is no longer a good girl.

My daughter is a straight A student and at 13 started to have sex with the boys at the private school. Ditched classes, missed church service attending youth groups, drank alcohol, smoked cigarettes and marijuana, and some other drugs. She was on a downward spiral and everyone could see it but her.

These girls watch as the 33 yr old grandmother moves the 16 yr old boyfriend in the home with her 14 yr old daughter. Have we really lost touch with reality – what message are we sending.

The schools are not the problem it’s the choices these teens are making. We have to continue to pray, fast and believe that one day their heart will be touched and they will change.

February 12, 2009 at 5:48 pm
(25) websearchergirl says:

I think you should leave her in the same school . She has to learn from her mistake and learn how to regain her friends’ trust. If they never take her back as a friend, as least she will have learned more about herself, and about what it really means to be a good friend – to accept each other’s mistakes and flaws. Here’s an article I read on so-called “sexting” or naked texts, which might help you come to grips with what your daughter has done. It has some internet safety advice, as well.

June 18, 2009 at 4:31 pm
(26) Is Your Child Sexting? says:

Over 1 in 5 have tried it!

February 15, 2010 at 9:27 pm
(27) Gabi says:

My 14 year old granddaugher received text messages from a classmate in her school asking her to sent him sex pictures of herself and asking her if she wanted pictures of him. I am quite upset about this solicitation and I at this moment feel very much like Michelle does, which is to report this incident to the authorities. She was in a private Catholic school until this year and now is in a public school for her high school years and I am appalled by the things she now is subjected to and not quite ready for. All I know to do is check her backpack, read her texts and emails, check out her friends and keep asking questions when her answers don’t make sense. And I pray every day for her safety.

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August 20, 2012 at 2:34 pm
(30) Marci says:

I have a 15 year old daughter who is a good student, athlete, she has her moments, but overall she is a good girl. I periodically go through her texts and FB and she knows it. Well she has been texting back & forth with this one boy, and he has been pressuring her over and over again for pictures of her herself and asking her inappropriate questions. Luckily she didn’t answer the questions, but I looked on FB and after his constant badgering (my daughter tends to be passive), she sent 2 pics. I know she was partially clothed because he commented on the color of her bra. I also saw on FB this boy is 18! This is totally not like my daughter at all, I don’t know what to do. I blocked his calls and tects to her phone, I am thinking of taking away her phone for a period of time and possibly something else. I am also going to talk to her. My gut instinct is to go to the school, but I am not. Any suggestions?

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