Should Sons Be Punished for the Summer?
Denise's thoughts: I think a tutor for the summer would be a good idea, for the math as his future classes will build on what he should already know. I would then try and organize next year with a planner that you can check and talk to the school about being able to see if he did his work online. Most public school participate in this type of reporting. You can email teachers too. Set a reward system up for good grades and completed assignments instead of a punishment system for bad grades and incomplete assignments. My daughter has a cell phone that is attached to her grades. I can check at any time, if any grade is below a certain level, the phone is mine for the night. The next day, we auto-rewind, repeat. She gets the cell phone back and she tries again. It's a pretty respectful agreement as the cell phone is a privilege that I provide and she enjoys, but I expect that she live up to the responsibility of a certain grades. It gives her a push when she needs it and keeps away the nagging and arguments.
I think your punishment, if any, should be swift. Turn your attention on being proactive about the future, the tutoring and next year. Trying the same thing with your younger son will work too, but I bet he'll see what you're doing with the older and fall in line without too much prodding.
Asking our community of parents: Would you punish the boys? If so, for how long? How would you handle next year? Have you had this experience? What did your family do? Share your experiences and advice on the forum or in the comments area.
More: 10 School Problems Parents of Teens Face And What to Do About Them
It sounds like its ok for the parents to be “sandwich”? parents and slip up…but a child who is only 13 isnt allowed to slip? I think youre being way too agressive for the situation. ASk them if they need xtra help…if not, tell them your expectations next year. Then, dont slip up…..keep abreast of the current grades and if they need help next year, hire it. The last thing you want to do is turn your kid off to trusting you, depending on you and feeling like they can tell you whats going on.
This is about more than homework. It sounds to me like your kids are telling you that they need more of your attention. If you are responsible for older parents as well, it’s time to jettison every other responsibility that isn’t absolutely necessary. My older daughter, an honor student, suffered a complete meltdown when my husband was sick with cancer. There wasn’t anything that I could have done differently (I had no family to help me), but if you can, you have to find a way to make these kids a priority.
Yes, it is about more than homework. My sons are freshman & senior in college now. Your boys are good students and at this age, to start getting some zeros and C, D grades, is their way of saying they want you more involved. Stress the importance of education, good grades, etc. This will be so important as they apply for college, look for a job, etc. Do not dwell too much on the past, just point out that you are let down and all have a part in the blame for what has happened. Make a plan for the future. Maybe a family journal, along with the planners, will help everyone stay focused. I have an elderly dad to look after so I know that life does not present us with the easiest of situations. ENJOY your sons. They will be leaving you far too soon. I like Denise’s phone agreement with her daughter. You can be creative, too.
Thought the others were right on target and also wanted to point out that an honors class grade of c is different than a non-honors c.
Within 24 to 48 hours after learning new concepts, students often begin to forget information unless it is reinforced or applied immediately. That’s why, during summer break, even the best students forget lessons they have learned during the school year.
While a break from school is great for recharging your children’s batteries, if students aren’t using the skills they acquired in the classroom, they could find themselves lagging behind once the school bell rings. It is never too early in summer to prepare for going back to school. The sooner a child reinforces his school learning, the more knowledge that will be retained and the more time that can be focused on fun, summertime activities.
Of course, tutoring is best when it’s supplemented by parents’ involvement at home. Ask what your sons have learned after each session. Ask them to show you, to explain how they’ll use these skills in school, and how they’ll practice this summer to keep the skills fresh for the fall. Keep up the monitoring in September and throughout the year. It will take patience and perseverance on your part — and theirs — but the development of good study habits is worth it!
I highly recommend the Kumon system for math. It is designed to take up very little time each day (20 minutes) and the instructors will ensure that the student is completely familiar with each concept before he/she moves on. It is really meant to be a long-term program, but we found that solidifying basic skills over the summer made the following school year much easier.
I am a grade 10 academic-level student in the gifted program, and I always get high marks in school, on my own initiative, and no parent involvement. However, this year my marks have fallen drastically, and my parents are concerned. I found that when they tried to use a punishment system, I felt like I was being controlled, which added to my stress (I think stress was the cause of the problem in the first place) The punishment system seemed to push me further away from wanting to raise my marks, and it probably only made it worse. I think that most beneficial thing to do would be to sit down with your children and explain to them why it would benefit them to maintain good grades, and also get to the base of the problem, and find out why they aren’t motivated. This way, you will know what is bothering them, they will know why it is good to motivate themselves, and you will develop a stronger trust between you.
I hope this helps!
I am a teacher and a mother of 3 boys, oldest 21. You have a “Lot” going on here. Firstly, as much as your parents “need” you, realize that they are adults, and your primary responsibility
is to your kids, who may be healthier but need you more, even if they don’t seem to.
Forget the academics at this point b/c as smart as your kids are, they can catch up,
or get back on track quite easily academically. Their emotional needs now,particularly as adolescents are very
important. Please spend time w/ them one on one just talking and listening, being affectionate and developing the “feelings”
part of your relationship. Schoolwork can be remediated but parenting cannot….Good Luck!
Grading is something that you should learn more about so that you understand up front what teachers count in your son’s grades. I recommend reading the article by Thomas Guskey located at http://www.ncacasi.org/documents/other/grading_policies Teachers all use different methods to calculate grades and assigning a zero does not communicate learning. It also allows students to be “off the hook” and not have to do the assignment at all…which defeats the purpose of learning, which should be at the center. Teachers should accept assignments whether they are turned in late or not because the goal of an assignment is to reinforce teaching that has already happened. If teachers just give a zero, then it communicates to the students that grades are about points earned and not about material learned.
Also, it is difficult to transition to high school for students and parents alike. Ninth grade is particularly challenging and parents really need to communicate regularly with teachers and encourage responsibility with students (and also teach them to ask for help). There is research on “failing” a student and also on holding them back and making them repeat. Either choice will exponentially increase their risk of becoming a high school drop out….so it would not be in your son’s best interest to hold him back or punish him for grades…especially passing grades. Put the focus on learning and responsibility and not on playing the “points game” and you will see some change in attitude.
It could be your 13yo is underchallenged and has become an underachiever. Good students who suddenly lose interest are often bored and find homework a waste of time. Have you talked with him to ask what’s going on? Or just assume he didn’t get it and needs a tutor? I speak from experience here… I’m not criticizing. We all do the best we can, but need to have our kids help us! Good luck!
I am a sandwich parent too. We have had it pretty rough this year. My dad has Parkinson’s and Prostate cancer, MIL was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer 4 years ago, but this past year has seen a turn for the worse. I know that its affecting my 14yo daughter. I also understand how hard it can be to keep on top of the kid. I get on her case about organization and have been since always, however the only way she learns is when she messes up. All I can do is say, do you have homework, did you bring home your stuff, I text her to help remind her, but I cna’t make her remember books, not lose things. She is better, but slacks sometimes. I also know from my experience that as kids enter the teen years they get lazy and distracted, they think they can still do well while exerting less effort. Conversations pointint out that when you don’t study or do homework, you get this grade, when you do study and do homework, you get this grade really seems to work best with my daughter. I constantly point out how well she did on the test she remembered to study for, how much better her Homework assignments are when she doesn’t do them at lunch time rushing through. I think some school in the summer is a good thing and a good lesson. Your saying to your kids “look you didn’t do well now you have to work harder”
I do not think that you should punish your son for the entire summer. Give him effective consequences for his behavior but allow him to earn some of his privileges back if he changes his bad behavior.