From Our Parenting Community: Does This Teen Want to Fail School? Maybe.

I too had only 1 child. Same behavior, displayed by my now adult offspring. I did not want to believe at the time, that I was “enabling” my child. I would become defensive if anyone so much as hinted that I was. Well as time went on this child dropped out of school, her friends were drop outs too, they later became felons, although by the grace of G-d she never had a felony charge, she prefers the company of such types. I became near bankrupt ,literally !! I was always buying the the cars, the insurance, paying for her apts , furniture, clothes, finally ended up supporting her and her boyfriends and the kids they had togherher, as these innocent victims were now my sweet and precious grandbabies, how in the world does a grandmother turn her back on these little children (grandchildren) by the time I finally woke up I ended up adopting her children and she is still running away from her responsiblities, will not work , a decent job, she is in her 30’s . Listen mom, you are sooosoooo right when you ask will you support your son!!! If you don’t get couseling NOW , you most definitely support that son and future grandchildren for a very long time, I wish I had listened to my friends, and gone to counseling. Pls go !!

I have a teen age son and daughter…my son is a good student but cannot make tough decisions because I’ve made them for him all his life. He continually wants to be rewarded for his good grades. We went to counseling (actually for my daughter) and the counselor looked at my son and said that at some point the good grades and personal satisfaction of achieving them have to be enough reward…and my daughter who is younger has to start “owning” her grades and managing herself and here’s a good one…taking responsibility!! I agree just hard to do for a controlling parent…to let your son “own” his grades and future. Go to counseling…and take him for a drug test…I had to do it with my daughter. And you are not alone…there are a lot of parents out there in the same position. Get strong, get tough and go to counseling!

Why don’t you tell him what a great kid is and how much you love him. Then suggest if he doesn’t want to apply himself at school. Drop Out and get his GED. He could then either attend college or get a full time job. I would eat out with my husband every meal and leave only heathy food in the house (beans, rice, fruits and vegtables – no sugar). No negative comments – if he wants something tell him you will provide when his grades start to improve and he follows your rules. Make a contract.

dear mum
the worst thing us parents can do when our kids won’t take up responsibility for the lives, is support them in every way.

I have a daughter who will be 18 soon and she has left school with no certificates whatsoever even though we have tried to motivate her all the way. She spent the following year wanting the good life, of course she needed the money. We just gave her the bare minimum until she realised that was not enough and had to choose between going to school or find work. She went to the higher school which she spent missing lessons and playing truant behind our back until we found out. It was an uphill struggle. We gave her the choice of either registering for work or finding out something she likes. In summer she worked as a waitress and realised how hard that was. She sat for a test and luckily she passed. I cannot explain the difference it has made, this time round she wants to take the course and is already planning ahead. She won ‘t change overnight but it is a start. But if we had given her the money, and we weren’t hard on her, or didn’t give her choices etc,and made it difficult for her to lazy about, she would never, I think, have taken charge of her life, but would have left it in our hands, because so to speak, she was having it all at home, without any effort.

Dear mum, it is an uphill struggle, very very hard. I cannot begin to explain how much my husband and I suffered in this story.

I think that your son , as many others like him do, will learn the lesson the hard way and it will take time and so you will need patience.

If you suspect he takes drugs though, you cannot handle it on your own. You definitely need professional help.

Good luck and take care
Ruth

Your anxiety is high ‘cos he’s the only child. If you do not brace up, you would end up being responsible for him whole life. You need not ’spare the rod and spoil the child’. Ensure drug is not involved otherwise you might risk your life when he goes too far into drugs.

If you have financial means, meet his requests but on condition that he meets your requests too. It takes two to tangle. If he performs well at school, he gets your full momtherly care.

Drugs are probably involved. He wants a car and will “hold his breath” unless you give it to him. He doesn’t care about doing well at school but “will run away” if you make him go to a different school (with different “friends”). It sounds like he may be involved with other kids who are involved with drugs. When our kids become demotivated and surly and stop caring about things they used to care about and GRADES FALL, strongly investigate possible drug use. People who use drugs lie about it so asking is useless. You can buy a hair drug test online and it’s very accurate. I don’t mean to sound over the top, but he is 17–you have very little time left to help him make positive changes. Getting him away from his “friends” and the drugs (if this is his issue) will give him a chance to clear his head and possibly make a rational decision to change. If he feels he can actually graduate and to to college and do something with his life he may feel more motivated to try. Talk to him about the future. Today is going to suck if he is taking drugs. Tomorrow will suck if he is trying to stop taking drugs (even “harmless” marijuana makes people feel demotivated and very happy with doing absolutely nothing) He will be illogical and will say he hates all your ideas but he will hear the part about himself and his future…he will hear you and he will think about it…hopefully. Please get some help (counseling) from someone you can trust. All the best to you. He’ll know later that you helped him b/c you do love him and want him to have choices in his life. If he is using drugs, depending on how much you can even control him at his age, a drug treatment facility might be a good idea. It would get him away from his friends, the drugs, and help him face his issues. Hey, if you’re thinking you might “have to support him the rest of his/your life” anyway spend the money now to get him some real help and maybe he will go on to make real changes.

Hi – I found the most wonderful book. I tend to overcompensate and enable my kids. Comes from my upbringing. However, I had to stop so that my children would take responsibility for their own lives. Not to mention it freed me! The other comments explain the situation exactly!

“Backtalk,4 steps to ending rude behavior in your kids” by Ricker and Crowder is the best little book on the market.

It changed our household….The advice in the book seems simple, but it works like magic.

I had enabling down to an award winning worthy performance. Our son will be 24 next week and finally be graduating from college in December, but I have been a slow learner. Boundaries, by Drs. Townsend and Cloud is another excellent book. We are now going to additional counseling to reign in the behavior of our nine year old daughter, who has also had too much given to her and too little expected of her.
Drugs were involved in our son’s situation, and it prompted me to write the book I needed to read, Winning the Drug War at Home. It could be subtitled “Confessions of a Control Freak Mother”.

Be strong, they must feel the consequences of their choices, lack of choices (which is also a choice) and decisions.

Blessings, Kathy

I think you have gotten so good advice but I wanted to add on that you might want to check into the parenting philsophy “Love and Logic”. It will help your child see that his life is his responsibility and that (if you can love him enough to let hime learn about life) he may chose to fail. After reading the teen book in the series – try telling your son that you love him too much to fight with him all the time. That you won’t fight him if he choses to fail afterall he is now basically an dadult. Ask him what he thinks he’ll do if he hails. Let him know that you will always support him emotionally but not finacially and if he does drop out you will expect rent (say $400/mo). Ask him how he thinks he’ll pay for life and what he wants to do as a jonb. What ever he says, be supportive, if he says he’ll go get a job at subways – say well that sound nice – maybe after a couple years you could be a manager. If your child chooses a life that doesn’t include education then you have to let him LIVE the consequences of that life. Paying his bills for him or supporting may seem caring but you are setting him up for a life void of motivation. Achievement and success are what generate happiness. If you save him from his failures he has no reason to succeed. I used to be a helicopter parent like you and I thought it was all out of love the I read the books and realized that my choice to stop my son from getting hurt meant I was handicapping him.

I have a son who is ADD and I understand the frustration you are experiencing. I have relied heavily on our family doctor who prescribes his medication to help me decipher what is happening with my son. If you suspect drugs, get a drug test. Good luck.

We have four children – 23, 19, 16, 10. What you’re speaking of is similar to what my 16, nearing 17, y.o. son is up to. He did end up going back to school this year – though to a public school rather than his private school. The counselor told him that he was in good enough shape to graduate on time. He knew it was school or job – his choice. BUT he’s riding the school bus because we demand he be clean to get his driver’s license. No license and no car until he can pass the pee tests, PERIOD. So, it’s his choice. He will need some tutoring early a.m.’s, but knows we’ll take him. Here at home, he has a glaring example of what continued folly will do to a young man. Until Tuesday, his older brother was one poor decision away from pushing his belongings in a shopping cart – got his tires slashed over $2.00 in a drug deal and lost his job a few days prior. I did end up bringing him back home, but that’s another story…..Anyway, own your own decisions and let your son own his. If we never let our kids “fall down and get bruised” how are they ever going to learn how to walk? It is the experience that comes with living with the consequences of their decisions that instills lifelong wisdom that keeps them upright. It’s rough on us parents, to be sure, but support them with your words, not with your money. Offer sympathy when they end up screwing things up, hug them if they are open to that, and ask a couple of thought provoking questions when the time is right, that is the most loving thing we can do for them.

You have gotten great advice. I will add from someone who did some of those things as a teen (hubby too), we did various things. For both of use we had a good base from our parents and we didn’t have addictive personalities. So now 22 years later, we both have a nice house and a beautiful daughter age 14, etc. One of the things for sure that helped us, our parents did not give us money to go out, we had to pay for ourselves to party, so we had to work to earn the money. On the other hand, I had a friend who stole money from his mother, his grandmother, etc. She accused me of getting her son drunk when I hadn’t been drinking, he had. She called me one time asking if he did drugs, I told her to talk to him not me. He lived home, they took care of him, he worked spotty jobs, then got caught writing prescriptions for drugs, he went to rehab. He came out and well he went right back to it, finally one night he went to bed and never woke up. He was 32, his mom found him at 3am. His older brother congratulated his mom at the luncheon after the funeral for enabling his brother to death. I tell the story so you understand that it doesn’t have to end that way. My friend didn’t get help, but the rest of us who did a lot of the same things are “clean” adults doing quite well with our lives.

FYI, I know from my friends that it is also very common for those with ADHD to self medicate. Drinking and doing downers makes it easier to concentrate and sit still.

It also sounds to me your son is using your fear of his failure to play you. I know, I left one weekend and my mom was real scared, but another time when I threatened, she told me to go and held her breath, but I had no where to go. The reality of “fine then runaway” is a big reality. Its real scary when your kid threatens to do harm to him/herself, but the reality that the threat is to scare. The goal is get what they want out of you. Just like when he was 2 and threw a temper tantrum to get a cookie. Its no different, the stakes are just higher. As the parent you are also facing your fears and it is hard and dealing with problems is scary. We have part of us that thinks, “I’m a failure” or “I’ll be blamed”, etc. As parents we do the best we can from what we learned from our parents and the world around us. So face all those things and again do the best you can. YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH TO GET THROUGH THIS, JUST HAVE TO BELEIVE YOU CAN. And most of all you asked for help here, well maybe ask for help from school counselors, from your Dr, people who can physically help you. You are not alone and there are almost always local resources available to help you get through this. Good luck!

I agree that there are problems that may be hidden as well as possible drugs usage. I am the mother (step mother I should say though they now consider me mother) of 2 boys with ADHD. (Just a little history here)…they were both emotionally and one was physically abused by their birth mother. Though she is pretty much out of their lives she used to call drunk to threathen taking them away, tell them lies and etc. which still caused emotional problems in both of their lives. The oldest one (who was 15 when I came into picture) gave us alot of problems with threatening to flunk out if we didn’t do things, he didn’t do as good in school, he got into trouble with the law, school, drugs and etc. (it was so bad that doctor said he was borderline BiPolar..we discovered later that was the change in ADHD to BiPolar meds conbined with drugs to replace the stimualant he was no longer getting from ADHD caused more problems). We went to therapy, tried everything we could think of and finally we just let him fail and go down the path that he was heading down. Believe me it was the hardest thing that my husband and I ever did or watch. But during a rather intense drug rehab he told us that he was mad at me (yet loved me) for being the mom that his birth mother should have been. I just let him take the anger out on me because he needed to get it out and I was the closest that he could get to teh one he was truly mad at. But now that 15 yr old is 20 and is now getting his life together and ready to get married. He has told me that the best thing I could have done was be as intolerate of bad behavior as I was, let him fall on his face and go the path that he had to walk to learn the lessons of life while still letting him know I was there, still loved him and would not leave.
The youngest has been having a bit of problem with finding the correct dosage of his ADHD meds. He has problems with classes that he used to be above average in, he is more implusive and moody then he used to be. We were told that most of the time that when children are found to be ADHD at young age it becomes harder to keep the dosage level when they go through puberty. This is because of the release of hormones and normal teenager behavior that goes along with puberty. A child with ADHD going through puberty will have 3x the behavior problem then a child who is not. They are also 3x more likely to do and get addicted to drugs (especally prescibed drugs that is the fad now) then the average teenager. Part of that is that ADHD is controled by a form of stimulate and those with ADHD have this warped way of thinking that if they are taking a drug that is said to be the equal to that of “speed or Cocaine” plus it is presciped by doctor then all drugs are OK. My youngest also started doing drugs last year, to fit in and to help with the dosage problem. Because my husband and I were on top of it we were able to put a halt to the problems before they go out of control. I still give him warnings and do all I can to keep him on the correct path but he knows that if he wants to do what he knows is wrong that he is the one that will have to face the consequences and figure out how to fix it. Having watched his older brother it was alittle easier to get through to him though it was still hard. Also he found a youth group that has helped him plus he works at trying to control the implusive, attention problems that are related to ADHD.
I know that some of what I have said may have frightened you but being a parent is a scarely thing now a days with all that teenagers have to deal with. It is nothing like what we had to deal with as teens. So my suggestion is to continue doing therapy (rather your son wants to or not you need it to help you through this). Do some research to see if there is a problem that has happened to your son that may have created this problem. Contact his school counselor and teachers to see what they have seen or what they would suggest to help with this problem…keeping a strong realtionship with teacher will help to halt, will give a heads up to bad behavior and help in correcting things. Watch him and his attentions (does he go out and stay longer then he should, what type of kids is he hanging with and does he spend time in his room by him self more then he should) look for any signs of drugs usage, ADHD dosage, depression or illegal problems that need attention. If you think your son is on drugs then get him help before it gets too far (Drug rehab)..you will be hated for this but in time it is the best thing you can do. If you think it is dosage problems then speak to doctor about your concerns. If it is illegal problems then all you can do is do what you can and let the thing run it course. Being a parent means that you have to try to teach all you can as far as lessons, right from wrong while your child is young. Then let them loose alittle to learn the rest on their own in their own way when they are teens hoping what you have taught them was enough while letting them know you gave your love, support and to be there if they ask for help. But you can no longer control them or be the parent that you were when they were little, you have to let them fall and skin their knees to learn what not to do. It is the hardest job that a parent can have but in the end if you are lucky it is the most rewarding.
I wish you luck on your journey as the parent of a teen and send my prayers that your son finds his way out of this fog to the right path.

I realized we talked about drugs, but after reading Misty’s comment she brings up a good point. Depression can be a root cause for the drugs and/or the behavior. Teens think in terms of now. There is no future really. I know when I acted the way I did, including threatening suicide, it was because NOW was important. I didn’t get that in 5 years I would regret…. I didn’t care about the future, I wanted to do NOW. Teens think that their problems now are the end of the world, they don’t have the perspective of an adult, but are often having adult sized problems. There is not frame of reference. To a teen one month is forever, but we get that its all fleeting. Time flies when you get older because your frame of reference changed. I know that 20 years from now, isn’t that far, but a teen who lived only 17 years, thinks that 20 years from now is forever (30 is old, etc). So keep all that in mind too.

Misty – prescription drugs are a fad now again. I was talking with friends recently and they were trying to remember when you could no longer get Pharmaceutical grade Qualudes, they were all 15 years older then me. Qualudes were the drug of choice. I had friends whose drug of choice was valium (remember the song little yellow pill). That changed in the last 20 years, it was illegal drugs, now its going back to pharmaceuticals (of course pain killers got better too, viacadin will make you hallucinate, my mom had that scared her but some people take it to do that). Its a cycle, drugs have always been around (coca-cola originally had cocaine in it, the character of Sherlock Holmes shot heroine, Sigmund Freud did cocaine) but now we are more aware of the dangers of drugs. Drugs are not new the awareness of the harm and addiction they cause is (since the 60’s).

All ideas are wonderful. I also recommend informing your son’s doctor of your concerns and checking to see if he/she will get involved in drug testing and/or referral to a rehab, if needed, taking away all luxuries, including cable TV and computers, and looking for books by Scott Sells. He wrote “Treating the Tough Adolescent.” I think he has another book entitled “Parenting the Tough Adolescent” which has concrete, practical ideas about confronting truancy. Is anyone at school concerned/involved? Can you see if principal will reach out to your son? Can you involve aunts, uncles, grandparents in this situation?

I don’t know what state you live in but you may want to look into enrolling him in cyber school if it is available. If you just google cyber school you should be able to locate one. It’s not an option in all states. My ADHD son is thriving doing his schooling from home like this, he went from failing to thriving and once again earning A’s & B’s. This is not a total answer but it may help. Hugs to you! Hang in there!

Mother i realy feel it for you but you should try and see how you can get your son to see the counsellor, or else you may end up supporting your child for the rest of his life

Is there any other thing you can use to motivate him going back to school instead of the car?

Good luck

Hi. I left a comment here about my 17-1/2 year old son (he turns 18 next month). I wrote in my post that I am having a lot of problems with him right now – with school, his friends, or should I say lack of, also b/c of his Asperger’s Syndrome, he doesn’t like to be social with many people, except me, and friends on the Internet. I finally got him into counseling, he’s still on the waiting list, but his name is at the top next week! Also, we are having a meeting including my son to talk about a good plan for
my son. It will be a classroom of approx 5
kids and one teacher. He will be using the computer a lot during the day. He can start w/
half days, or whole days. I think this is a
good start!

I have a 14 year old that I am trying to avoid this from happening. I have been an over indulgent mom to both of my kids. The don’t like the changes I have made but they are adjusting. Last night I told my 11 year old to pick what clothes he wanted today and put them out so he will be ready in the morning. His answer was “Why, are you not going to be here in the morning?” I now wake them up but everything else is on them. I used to help too much. They weren’t able to do things on their own or have to worry about anything for themselves. Now they have to be aware of the time to get out to the bus even. Last year I drove them since I am a stay at home mom. So, basically, hopefully, I am wising up before they are too old and dependant on me. It is hard at times but they actually seem happier….and they blame me less for their own problems.

My husband and I went through a similar situation, but it went further than the threatening of running away. He actually did. He was out of the house for 5 months. I recommend that you and/or your husband take the Parent Project course that is held throughout the country. They give you tools on how to deal w/ a strong willed child or even an out-of-control one. The website you can go to is http://www.parentproject.com and look to see if they have it in your county. You will have the support from other parents who are going through the same thing as you are, so you will not feel like you’re alone. Our son is home now, back in school w/ his grades up and playing sports. So there is hope for every family out there! Good Luck!

Hi – Our son began dropping out of sports, clubs, and his grades went way down. He refused to attend school. He was diagnosed with social anxiety and put on meds – huge improvement!
Is your child medicated for his diagnosis?

I would have to say that being a parent has not been the easiest job, but we are not trained for the position either! I have a 14 yr. old daughter who has Sickle Cell Anemia, ADHD as well as emotional and learning disabilities; I recently kicked her out and now she either lives with her dad or her sister! In other words because she did not want to follow the rules here, now she does not have a stable place because she’s being tossed back and forth, but who decided that? She did by not listening and doing as she was told. He has to know there are consequences for the things that we do-as well as those that we do not. There has to be a point when you let them go so that they can demonstrate that they can make it on their own. He is almost a man and no matter what his “issues” are he is going to have to learn how to function on his own, make him get a job–if he won’t he needs to leave! Our children have no skills or training, most of them are not in school full time, or dropping out-it is upsetting the things he has put your family through, but it is even sadder that you do not push him out of the nest and allow him to try to fly on his own! Whether he sinks or swims will be and should be only up to him!

My 18 yr.old girl went to visit my family in Calif. and met up with a boy she had been talking to for 4mos. i did not know this and will not come home to finish highschool. she says i am 18 and want to live my life her with my boyfriend he loves me . It has been 41/2 mo since i have seen her . Nothing will get her back ,I have tried everything so i will now back away .. Any thoughts on what to do