Your Advice Wanted: Help with Teen Lying Habit
Friday October 3, 2008
A worried mom wonders: My daughter is 13 yrs old.. She is a very outgoing, loving child. But constantly lies about everything. Simple things to very important matters. She is a child from a divorce parents. I divorced her father when she was 5. So, she is used to being passed back and forth and dealing with her parents arguments/discussions that pertain to her. Sometimes I think that she wants to lie about things to keep from her parents fighting about her. How can I stop this from getting worse?
Denise's thoughts: When you know your teen is lying to you , it is important to deal with the lying immediately. Too often, lying goes with another bad mistake in behavior and we discipline for the other behavior instead of the lying. Then lying starts to be a habit, which is something we want to avoid.
First, talk to your teen about why he/she is lying. Discuss how it makes you feel when you lose trust in him/her because of the lying. Then give a consequence. For an example, see this blog post on teen lying.
Let us know how it is going.
From our parenting community: Has your teen lied to you? What have you done to solve this problem? Share your thoughts and advice in the comments area or on the forum.
Comments
Leave the kid alone at first. You and your husband (ex) need to gether and show her you are a united front for her. Then stick to your agreement. Communicate weekly to make shre she is not playing you against each other. Then together sit her down and tell her what you expect of her, what rules and the consequences you both will support if she breaks them–including lying. You at this point are taring her apart and she is lying to get by and salvage herself. This is more the parents fault than hers. You created this situation; she didn’t, so fix it for her. Both reassure her of your love and that you are still her parents wioth a unitd front for her no-matter what other choices you have made. Quit blaming the child for your failure to communicate in her behalf.
My simple is answer is get your teen to counseling. Habitual lying or any such behavioral issue is often the surface of underlying issues. She should go for counseling alone and you should make sure to have time with the counselor too to help improve the situation. Work together to fix it before it become bigger. IF you can get your ex involved, but I’m aware that doesn’t always work.
FYI, your daughter’s behavior is a result of her situation and whatever is bothering her. It doesn’t mean you were a bad parent. Also remember that in fixing the problem you may need to change some of your interaction with your teen. It does not mean you are a bad parent. However, sometimes we don’t realize till its pointed out to us that we are reacting or doing unconscious things to enable or even encourage such behavior. I know I do it, my daughter, now 14 pointed out that when I’m really stressed she gets yelled at more. My husband does it too, you don’t always realize that your taking it out on those around you till after the fact.
Good luck!!!
Counseling is good, a united front is good. If she’s lying to AVOID you guys having a fight, then don’t fight in front of her.All kids lie, work together to help her and you guys to come up with a plan to deal with this issue. No long lectures either because that does not work. Show her how to handle issues like an adult. Listen to her thoughts and feelings.
Your daughter is lying for one of two reasons. Either for attention or self preservation. Counseling is the best advice you can get. Not only for her but for you and your ex. Also find a good parenting class. One specificly for parents of teens. It will help you to deal with her problems.