Divorced Father of 12yo Asking for Advice
He came to live with us cause his grandmother evicted his mother and stepfather. Problem I am having is he occasionally want to go live with his mother, like now again, and begins to complain about our smaller home and city location(his grandmother lives in a very big and expensive home that is on a large amount of acreage).
I believe he just wants to live with his mother so he can go visit his great grandmother all the time. My reason for thinking this way is cause this summer he spent more time there then at his mothers. The person who enables him to get away with this is his great-grandfather who I feel continually undermines my role as my son's father. Not to mention his mother will not put her foot down on where he is.
We are more strict with him and he is disciplined for bad behavior. While his great grandparents seem to just spoil him with whatever he wants. I.E. he has both a laptop and a desktop computer.
Ok that wasn't a quick review. I love my son and I have always wanted him to live with me. I knew before he was born that he would be spoiled in a bad way for that is how his mother is. I and everyone I know felt he needs live with me to be raised better. With me he gets to visit the rest of his great grandparents, grandparents, aunts and uncles. With his mother he just see's his mothers parents, and grandparents. They are not friendly to my side of the family and do not want them coming around to visit. I do not restrict visitations from his great grandparents. It seems they are the only ones that will make the trip to visit on his mothers side of the family. I don't have custody, so if his mother chose to she could force his moving back.
I am strained to the limit in dealing with his attitude and tempted to just send him packing. I know that it's better for him to be here.
Do I weather out his attitude and anger towards me?
Denise's thoughts: Your son is trying to traverse an explosion of his family, life/school/friends as he knew it and facing the beginning of puberty. All with a brand new brain. During puberty the brain makes quite a few changes, starting with the ability to think in gray areas, not everything is black and white. I have an article on that here: Teens and Power Struggles. See the section on understanding their development.
You have a wonderful opportunity to create a strong bond with your son. Instead of looking at your son and the people that surround him through the eyes of the problem you own(the divorce) and with all of the emotions that are attached to that problem(i.e. the feelings you have toward your ex-father-in-law), take a look at it through the eyes of the 12yo who is trying to figure out where he fits. You will need to emotionally detach from all that has happened and become his champion. Help him build bonds with those that surround his life, he needs those in order to build a confident self, which will help you when he gets to be 18.
Talk to him, not at him. He is not your problem, the struggles he is facing are. Just a side note: Our teens help us grow as people - your son is going to do that for you.
Some related resources for you:
- Talking to Teens About Friendship
- Tips: Divorce and Teenagers
- About Divorce: Five Things Your Child Needs From You
I have two boys. I am not divorced but I have a boy who just turned 13. With time things change so quickly in their lives. I think once he meets some good friends where you live it might make a difference. Maybe get him involved with sports of some kind and he will be so busy he won’t have time to ponder all of the confusing things he has on his mind. Not to say they should not be discussed but maybe the adults in this situation could figure out a way that he can see everyone and maybe even spend a little time with his grandparents when he has off from school. Beleive me, there will come a time that he will onl want to be with his friends. Family means alot but so do their friends. Get him involved in your town.
My heart goes out to your Son. You mentioned changing jobs to me home with your new wife. It seems to me this young man has been struggling with finding his place in your life. Be Patient with him, and if he wants to see his great/grandparents let him. They may be the only ones that love him unconditionally. This tug of war has to hurt him more and is not a sign of how much you love him. Pray for your Son and for your relationship.
Best Wishes.
Kids need to learn that they will have to adjust to different situations and rules whenever there are different people involved. It is good for him to see the softer, free giving side of one person, while still understanding the consequeces of actions with another person. This valuable skill is very handy in learning what is expected of him in many situations. Letting him visit often with his great grandparents and even his mother are essential in his young life. Yes the expectations are lower and seem to be undoing everything you are trying to teach him. But he is at an age when he has to have some say in who he is, and what choices he wants to make. Your ultimate goal, should always be to teach him to be a strong, independant thinking, young man, with a grasp on cause and effect of his actions. Not to police all his decisions or to reprimend his relationship with his grandparents, no matter what that relationship looks like to you. It is after all, his relationship not yours. And on another note, great grandparents often try to spoil children. They have realized that the only thing that matters in this point of life to them is the child’s happiness. Everything else will come later when they may not even be around to see it. The more you take grandma and grandpa’s actions in stride with a smile and nod, the better your relationship with your son will be.
maybe your son is undergoing a difficult stage in his life plus not having a family that he can call his own; i suppose this is one of the bad effects of divorce – no sense of belonging.
In answer to your question, do i weather out his attitude and anger towards me? In my opinion – yes, of course you do. You said yourself that he is use to getting what he wants. From his grandparents, him mom and if all he has to do is show some attitude and anger to get what he wants, then from you too. I am a single mom with 3 boys, ages 13. 16 and my eldest son, killed 2 years ago, would have been 22 years old so I have some first hand experience raising boys. It’s not unusual for a 12 yr old boy to have an attitude. Thinking they know more than thier parents, not realizing until they’re 20 that they don’t. But for now, it’s not your job to be your son’s friend, it would be nice but in addition to your friendship children need love, guideance, and direction. You can be friends when he’s older but for now your job is to raise your son to be a decent, responsible, respectful young man. It’s not an easy job and sometimes it seems like you’re beating your head against a wall, but if you teach your son respect, respect for others and for himself, all the hard work will be worth it. But if you give in and send him back & forth to live between you & mom what are you going to teach him – other than he’s not worth the extra effort he’s putting you through. As far as his grandparents undermining your authority, they can only undermine your authority if you let them. He is your son and your responsibility. Try going with the flow a little, let them have thier fun. after all spoiling grandkids is what grandparents do. But stand your ground on issues that really matter. If you are consistent, a weekend being spoiled by grandma isnt going to un-do all the good you can doo. You have just 1 chance to raise your son. You have to decide if it’s worth all the hard work and sleepless nights to be able to look at him when he is a young man and be proud of the man he’s become or – you can give in (give up)and let him have his way without fear of consequence. Maybe he’ll still grow up to be a decent, responsible, respectful young man, maybe.