I'm Pregnant and My Daughter Is Jealous

I think that the daughter needs to keep busy. Maybe some extra activities at school and with friends would help. It is a difficult time for both the mom and daughter. I think some outside family counseling will also help all parties involved and can help the daughter to understand that she can be very helpful when the baby is here.

I think your daughters jealousy is “understandable”. Divorce is difficult for a child. There receive all sorts of messages about it being a “bad” or “sad” thing. My ex-husband and I have been divorced since our daughter was two. We are best friends and live less than a mile apart. My daughter has never known things to be any other way, but will still come home every once in awhile pouting about how sad she is that her parents got divorced. (She is also 13). The new baby complicates things for her. “If Mom doesn’t love dad anymore and she replaced him, what will happen if she doesn’t love me?”, “obviously she is replacing me too, she is having a new baby”, “I should just live with Dad, that is where the rejects go”. Remember that everything is MUCH bigger when you are a teen. I completely agree that you should love her like there is no tomorrow. Give her every bit of attention you can muster from your exhausted self, and enroll your husband in doing the same. It might be easier than dealing with an insulate teenager, and at minimum, you will know that you are supporting her the best you can. Hang in there, they are only teens for a few years!

This sounds like a pretty tough situation. But, I have hope for you and your daughter, as well as your entire family. I agree with the importance of spending time with your daughter right now. I know that it may be difficult, because babies naturally demand a lot of attention, but your daughter probably needs to know that she is still special to you, and that she is wanted. The new baby must represent something to her that is uncomfortable. Perhaps she may be feeling as if she will be replaced. Similar to younger kids’ reactions to a new sibling, she may wonder if you have enough love for her, as well as the new baby. I think that it is important to let her know that your love for her will never change. I had my second child, who is now 3, when my daughter was 14. Also, I can relate to you because my husband and I were married 6 years ago. The difference is that my daughter’s father has not really been in the picture. Anyway…I have made efforts to show my daughter how special she is, literally telling her that, hugging her, spending time with her doing things that she likes. I also included her in the preparation for the baby. I realize that this might be difficult in your situation, but as Denise said, one day at a time. I would start with taking an interest in her. What’s she into? What is important to her? Listen to her concerns and fears? If need be, don’t be afraid to consult with a family therapist, social worker or psychologist. I have some tips on parenting adolescents on my website if you ever want to check it out. I wish you all the best.

I forgot to include my website address. My website is devera@deverajackson-garber.com. Warm wishes.

What a wonderful series of comments from parents clearly in touch with what it means to be a teenager. In my practice coaching teens and their families, feelings of jealousy come up around so many different things. Let’s not forget, also, their is neuroscientific research that shows teens’ prefrontal cortex development slows markedly during these years as the energy is diverted to overall body development. The prefrontal cortex is responsible for problem solving, decision-making and empathy. The poor things are really left a little stranded! As they move into their late teens, and their bodies are more fully developed, the prefrontal cortex begins to, once again, receive support and their ability to make wise choices and empathize with others returns. This is why we so often feel they “go away” and then “come back” in their later teen years. I advise parents to try and take a step back, detach with love, and remember…this is a prefrontal cortex moment, it too, shall pass.

i went through this same situation with my daughter, she was 13, going through a nasty custody battle, i was going to have a baby, she was feeling left out and became jealouse. so what her step dad and i did was involve her in EVERYTHING we did for the arrival of the new addition. We made sure to ask her also for her opinion on colors, styles, we even went as far as to buy a baby name book and told her to please highlight all the names she liked. it was hard in the begining. But i also had a very heart to heart talk with her and told her, if anything ever happened to me then she would be the one the baby would look to for answers about his mom. And only she could teach him everything i tried to teach her. she would be my legacy to him. After that very frank talk and all the involvement we made her do she finally came around. it took some time and alot of patients but now she is the best big sister and she loves him so much. People say it was how much we involved her in the preporations and decisions but i will know it was the talk i had with her, she got it, and understood what her role was as his sister.

13 year olds still want to be treated as little kids and coddled when the mood strikes them. My son is now growing taller than me but bends down to hug me since he feels weird growing up and misses being smaller than me. School is very demanding at this age too. I would let your daughter know without a doubt that she was your first baby and always will be and that you know she’s not happy with the changes forced on her but ask what you can do to help her feel better about it. Let her know that she doesn’t have to like the changes forced upon her and that you respect her feelings and are sympathetic. When my son is acting out it’s not easy but after the heat of the moment I try and remind him I love him no matter how bad his behavior was and that everyone makes mistakes and not be too hard on him or it will allienate him. I suggest your new husband do something that will let her know he’s trying too. Eventually they come around if they feel respected but don’t expect alot of respect from them, not at 13 years old. Try not to take it personally. They feel that way about all adults but most comfortably letting someone they feel safe with know it constantly.

boy does this sound familiar…my daughter now 18 went through a similar thing when my new husband and I were expecting our son now 6. My solution was to involve her in the experience to shopping for the new baby, setting up the nursery and I even allowed her to miss school to go to my doctor appointments on occassion, also she had input on the name we chose. By allowing her to be so involved in the process, when our son was born,(my husband brought her the flowers at the hospital)she took up a feeling of being responsiblity and pride in him from the first. Now the two are very close, much closer than with my stepdaugher and son.

I have been in a similar situation. My daughter was 12 1/2 when my elderly mother moved in with us. I hate to say it, but it was an absolute disaster. I tried very hard to spend quality time with her alone, etc., etc., but she really never got over her jealousy and resentment. I think a lot of it was her age. I strongly recommend seeing a family therapist if things persist — it helped us. Good luck.

My daughter is 14 and has a friend whose dad remarried and they have a new baby. I am not sure how she felt when stepmom (the only mom she knows) was pregnant, but she points out to my daughter babies are loud. A teenager wants the world to revolve around them. Most teen girls don’t want competition. However, most of those teenagers eventually come to love the little baby that totally adores them. And although my daughters friend does not like the lack of sleep and what goes along with it, she does love her sister.

Keep in mind too, that you remarried, replacing her dad in the house. Now you are going to have new baby, maybe part of her feels like you are trying to replace her, as silly as that sounds its very possible she feels like she will be pushed out of the family. The statement “I don’t want to live here after baby is born” could be a way of asking “do you still want me here after the baby is born”. Its hard to remember sometimes that our teens still need our attention, are still in many ways that 2yo that needed us to do for them and hug them and play with them. The difference now is that they pull away, they push us away even at times, really wanting us to pull them back. Don’t accept the rude behavior, but as hard as it is, try to be sure to include in her in as much as possible and make the time to spend with her. Also once baby is born make sure that you find a way to do something together just the two of you as often as humanly possible. Even if its as simple as sitting on the couch and watching her favorite TV show. Find ways to get her involved in the buying the toys, make sure she knows that she is an important member of the family.

Lastly, family counseling, especially with the custody battle would probably be a good idea. It would also be important to include your ex, not with you, but with her. It may not be possible, but you can try.

Good luck!

I also remarried and was pregnant when my child of my previous marriage was 13. No matter how she behaved, I maintained a strong presence of love for her and simply went with the flow, never really reacting to the flux of her emotions. As it turned out, she was a huge help with the baby! And my appreciation of that was genuine and ever present. It turned out lovely! I would say simply expect the best out of your teenager and you will get it.

I fully empathize with your daughter. At 13, She has began to see the colourful world unfold at her feet..and this. I know, it is a trying time for you with the pregnancy and your second husband. But, take it from me, the child needs a friend…one who will understand the turmoil that is going on within her -the physical, the physiological (the hormones etc), the psychological and so on. Just be kind to her. Tell her that you love her, and let her know honestly how much she would be missed if she moved out. Spend more time with her. Take your husband into confidence and get involved in indulging her, both of you. Never mind the financial losses, but take time off to spend QUALITY TIME with the child and make her feel genuinely WANTED. Get her to know your baby-to-be. Most importantly, pray with all your might to the Good Lord, and you are going to emerge as a close knit family very soon. Convey her my love and best wishes.Yours in prayers….Anita

I have just read this WITH my 13 yr old looking over my shoulder. She has said that she would be upset too, if it was her! We discussed this and decided that teens find it SO EMBARRASSING to have a mother who is pregnant! I feel that in about 8 weeks, with the pregnancy over and a brand new baby brother or sister, you will see a difference in your daughter and she will simply ‘fall in love’ with the baby. By next year, I suspect you will look back on this time and chuckle about it – especially when your teen tries to race you to the baby when it cries! Hope it works out well.

I remember being 13, boy was it a confusing time! I look back and cannot remember why I was sooo angry all the time, then sad, then mad again.
My advise is to tell her that when you had her it brought you much joy. And a baby isn’t just a “baby” it is a person who grows and contributes.
This is an oppotunity for her to grow as well, and that she needs to be careful of what she says. Some things cannot be taken back, and you don’t want her to have any regrets.
This person is coming into the world, and should be greeted with love, a baby doesn’t choose to be here. But once here and grown, has nothing but choices.
We all have good and bad in us, and I believe she has been raised with a kind heart. She will not punish this child, who was brought into her life. You need to remind her that she was once a baby.
And you do not know what you would do without her, and that you will grow to feel the same about this child.
Maybe even “I will always love you more, I have had you longer and love and respect you more each and everyday”.
The heart is a wonderous thing… for such a small muscle, it is strong. But without its constant flow of blood and oxygen, its affects can be crippling to our well being. As is our parents love and affection in comparison.
She will get to influence this little person, and be someone very special in their life. And because of the age difference, she will never lose an arguement, because she can always say…”I have changed your diapers, don’t argue with me”.
Good Luck and Congrats! Nicole