Parenting Tip: Don’t freak out!
Wednesday December 31, 2008
There is nothing in this world more important than your children. So, when a child does something so incredibly, ahh… stupid… and this stupid thing has some major consequences that you, the parent, will have to face too, it is hard not to freak out. So, maybe I should say it’s okay to freak out – just not at your teen. Do it when your are alone or have the sympathetic ear of your spouse.
Teens make mistakes and yes, those mistakes can be huge! One that comes to mind since it is New Years' Eve is when a teen takes a few drinks and then gets behind the wheel of your car and has a fender bender. (There are more dire concerns here, but they are a different post.) Instead of freaking out right away, take a break and take as long as you need. Discipline is important, but it is also important to be calm and not yell. This will keep you from having to fall back and regroup.
Has your teen ever done something so incredibly stupid that you had a hard time keeping control? It’s happen to me, more than once at the teen home. Share your experiences in our comments area.
Related Resources:
- How to Raise a Drug-Free Teen
- How To Set the Limits on Driving
- 5 Steps to Good Decision-Making Skills for Teens
- Book: Positive Discipline for Teenagers: Empowering Your Teens and Yourself (Compare Prices)
Comments
My son has been in a spiraling events of trouble. At 16 he totaled the car we gave him after taking Oxicotton and getting behind the wheel. He got caught at a school function smoking pot in a hotel room, chewing tobacco on the school bus, and finally at a party drinking. He was expelled from his private school as a senior. Just recently he threw a crazy party while we were out of town and the police came and took him in for underage consumption. He is 18 now and I am worried that sending him to college will only result in him flunking out as his grades are really poor this year as well. I want to help him be the best he can and to open his eyes, but I’m not sure what to do.
HI there. First lewt me tell you I am sorry you are ngoing through this. Its enough to make the parents want to run away.
I think the first thing you HAVE to do is get your son into a drug counseling center or treatment program, if possible. Since he is 18 he gets to pick if he wants to go unfortunately.
Does he have a job? Alot of kids(most in my opinion) are way too inmature to be going off to college at this age…we can base that on how they handle the life they are leading up to now. He is making inmature decisions that can affect both him and lots of other people.
The teenage brain is not fully formed yet…I urge you to read some info about the frontal lobes and how they go through a bunch of ‘turmoil’ at this stage in a child’s life, and how they are still growing and forming connections. Drug use of any kind is terrible for the whole body in general, but the brain especially…
Again, I pray you get your son and yourself into counseling and that you get the help he needs for him. Also, remember that no matter how bad it seems…’this too will pass.’
Warm Regards,
Wendy in Memphis
As expensive as college is, I’m not sure it would be an option that I would pay for right now. He doesn’t seem capable of handling that much responsibility. I suggest some outside help - for you both. Counseling will help him and you negotiate this time in his life.
I am a single mom of 5 kids and my 4th child who is 12 just cannot seem to stay out of trouble. I have dealt with the police many time primarily for stealing been in court with her twice. She is rebeling more than any of my other kids. I have her in counceling and put her ina alternative school totry and take her away from the crowd she is hanging out with but somedays it seems like it is only getting worse than better. I will admit I do freak out on her and I try not to but I just don’t understand what is going through her mind. Her dad in not involved at all which I know bothers her. I love her and am trying to help her and be supportive but, what else is there for me to do? She wants to be treated like her older sisters but they have earned their privillages and are older. I keep telling her time will come but I am lost and confused with her.
Deborah: Sit down with your 12 year old, one-on-one. Ask her to write down everything she likes and dislikes about herself. Then go through the list with her in a very calm and loving manner. This is an exercising in ‘listening’ as most troubled teens don’t feel heard and most don’t like themselves very much. You may find out some things about her that you didn’t know. Check out my blogs (bratbusters.com).
I was recently fired from a job ( that i really hated ) and although I hated the job, it was a shock and I immediately went into ” freak out” mode. I made the mistake of displaying my emotion in front of my 12 year old daughter. During all the chaos, my daughter secretly called my former employer and threatened to kill him! Although she now understands what she did would of caused some serious damage, I know it could of been handled better if I hadn’t of freaked out in front of her. I suffer from a mental illness and it’s hard for me to keep my emotions under control at times. I fear that this behavior has caused my daughter to go into ” fight or flight” mode when I have episodes. I take medication and for the most part, can control my symptoms. She is aware of my illness but I’m not sure if she totally understands it. What else can I do to help her understand that when I have an episode, that she shouldn’t freak out as well????
I have moved here from Asia to USA in 2000. My son and my daughter were 5 and 6 yrs. We came with full family with their dad but then he left in the 1st year we get here since he still having others woman in Asia. He took all the money we have saved and left. The kids blame me on everything and still not understand me why their dad left. I try to protected them did not tell them the truth but then I have to tell the truth but hurt them so bad that they were rejected. But their dad still coming back to work here in US and once a while asked to meet with the kids, he does not help or pay for childsupport. My ex refused to pay when he went to court he said he has no income. I anyway dropped the case since I do not want anything to do with him. He just come and go when he want to. Now my son is 16 and my daughter is 15 they still very angry at me but loving to their dad thinking dad just did nothing wrong why mom is angry. I never stop him to see the kids but I am asking to respect the rules when to come and let me know ahead of time. He like to just walk in or sometime telling that he will be coming but he forgot. The kids will be waiting all day and sad. Both of my kids are not in serious trouble in drugs or sexual thing but they are really angry and depress. My son now really become agressive and bringing 10-20 friends over almost everyday. We live in the condo so we got many complain. I remarried 2 years with a wonderful man he is trying to help to support us and helping us but still not easy. Sometime my son just being a jerk cursing and mean to him. I am very stress and in the middle I often get really upset and cry a lots. My not honest and he is lazy he fail again and again, repeat the grade 1 time. Now he is still failing I don’t know what to do. He keep telling me he want to be like his dad. My daughter doing great she is a help and support to me when I needed her. But also sometime she get depress from what is going on around the house. His brother really bully and she do not stand for that at all. It become a continueous argrument in the house everyday and everynight. I keep try to be possitive but they know how to push the wrong button…I am taking medication as well to help myself to maintain peace. I want to prevent further serious issues. I want to be able to understand them and have them understand me better.
Thank you,
You know, parenting is not easy for anyone, but sometimes it helps to contextualize it for your kids. there is this new show on NBC coming out called Baby Borrowers where teens get to learn what it is like to be a parent, and i think it would give them a real lesson on what you are going through
Hello!,
Hi!,
I have a teenage son 19.Due to the death of my father last year my sisters and i take it in turn to stay with my mother at night. I live further away than the rest of my sisters so every fortnight , I stay the weekend my teenage son does not want to go with us as his life and friends are at home.He passed his driving test and had since purchased a car, but I am always fearful of an accident happening while at my mothers as boys and their friends can be silly when you are not there.My sisters say ,I should just make him come with me and that I am to soft,he is well mannered and that but I agree it is boring for him and my mums.
My 14 year old daughter went to a friend’s house overnight when the friend’s parents were away. When we tried to check, they put one of the other friends on the phone pretending to be the dad who was away. It ended up being about 8 or 10 people, boys and girls, with alcohol.
I won’t go into detail, but the police came and we found out about everything. We freaked out (does this count aas one of those “stupid” things?), imposed punishments and then thought better and revoked them. I am so confused and don’t know if I am doing the right thing.
I just recently found out some disturbing news that I would prefer to keep confidential. But, as I must go on, it has really put alot of stress on my husband, three daughters and myself. As we are going thru such hard times, my middle child who is 14 seems to be very sneaky at times. First, she sneaks out during the night. I get a phone call from the police that I must come and pick her up. She was wandering the streets past the teen curfew. Then, she decides she is going to try smoking. There is no one else in our house that smokes. So, of course, her smoking is sensed right away. She is confronted, and, claims that this was just something she wanted to try. The most recent is that she is hanging with a different group. I think that the reason she is hanging with this group is because these kids parents let them go and do as they please. Now, my child does not get to do this. But, I think she thinks that as long as she is included in this group, everyone will think that she is allowed to do like they are. So, she goes over to friends houses and tells their parents that she is allowed to do certain things. The most recent being, dying her hair. She has asked me numerous times if she could do this. Each time that she has asked, I have asked her not to do this. Then, my oldest child, who just turned 18, seems to think that she should be allowed to now make her own decisions. She claims that she will not be able to be an adult once she moves out if she is not allowed. I tell her that as long as she lives in my house, she has rules to follow. I just recently found out that she has gone to get a tattoo. She and I have had this discussion numerous times. I have told her each time that I would prefer that this be somehting she does when she is not living with me. She would always ask me why. And my answer would be that that is not something that I like to see. And as long as she is living with me that is a decision that I can make. I have that right since I am the parent. We are in family counseling. My two oldest girls tell me that I am very controlling and blow things way out of porportion. I don’t think that I do. I am very protective because I know that the world is a very crazy place. And I know that they will soon be out there without me to hold their hand. I am so mad right now about the daughter going and getting the tattoo and can’t even think straight. My husband travels alot for his job. And he and I were very concerned about the two girls taking advantage of me. This seems like what they are doing. I am not really sure how to handle this situation. Should I let the two of them make their own decisions on things like this? Should I not be so upset about the daughter getting the tattoo? I just feel like I can’t trust either of the two. Please give me some advice.
hi thank you.
I also went through a website that has a nice collection of ebooks on teenage related issues and consideration
http://techmaguire.blogspot.com/2008/10/perspectives-of-young-parents-from.html
I recently freaked out when I found out that my teen had accidentally downloaded a virus on my school computer. I freaked out after he had been told on NUMEROUS occasions to not use my laptop. He destroyed two other computers in our house by accidentally downloading viruses that killed the hard drives of both PC’s. When I noticed that he had been using my laptop and that it was acting goofy, I just lost my cool and yelled at him. He no longer has PC privileges and we unfortunately have to hide our laptops from him in the house. However, I haven’t lost my cool since.
Hey Rhonda,
A wise neighbor of mine once told me something that I still try to keep in mind in these kinds of situations…you have to choose your battles. Let the kids have some freedom on the things that are not soooo bad…like, does it really matter if your kids hair is green for awhile? If you let them make these kinds of decisions, they will feel that you trust them to make good decisions, and in turn might just start actually making good decisions. In the meantime, they might just learn that they look kinda silly with green hair!
And, it could be a whole lot worse, as lots of people can tell you. Don’t sweat the small stuff.
Maybe it would help you to stay calmer if you examined why you feel the way you do about these issues (the tatoo). Maybe your anger isn’t about that you don’t think you can trust your kids…maybe it’s that you feel like you are losing control…and that’s really tough to cope with sometimes.
Keeping your cool is definitely one of the best parenting advices I can give. If you get into a fight with your teenage son and you end up in a screaming match it does not set a good example for him. Also make sure you do not join every argument that you are invited to. You have the ability to walk away and let both of you calm down.