Should we continue to pay for college?
He refused to work a part time job saying that he needed to study. He told his grandfather that he couldn't study because football kept him too busy. He told his older brother that he just showed up for the classes in order to stay in the football program but spent his studying time playing video games. We told him that we were not going to pay for another semester of this type of foolishness if he is so unwilling to try. The kid expects that we should continue to pay. Other family members are divided about whether or not he deserves another chance, but we will be heels if we don't send him back to school, we should send him back for another semester and if he doesn't improve, the school will kick him out. The school has put him on Academic Probation and Financial Aid Alert and he needs to get his GPA up to at least a 1.6 or he will lose his financial aid and be suspended. Our biggest problems are that the kid is a habitual liar, has no respect for any of us, has the idea that he can do whatever he wants, that he is accountable to no one, can talk his way out of any trouble he's in, blames his parents for everything that is wrong in his life, and that all of us are idiots.
We are struggling with the decision of whether of not we are rewarding bad behavior by sending him back to school, or with being blamed for failing to give him the education that he believes he deserves if we cut off the money. Can you help us?"
Denise's thoughts: "I think you will need to get him to see how you feel, which is that this strategy is not working for him. He needs to understand you are unwilling to spend your money on something that is not working for him. But you are willing to spend your money on something that will work for him. I would not pay for another semester of him failing himself, it's not good for him academically or emotionally. It's not helping with your relationship, which could really lead to depression, if he isn't having that problem already.
Offer him the first 6 months' rent in an apartment and the things he needs to start living and help him get a full time job. Then share that you would be willing to pay for school at a later date. Or he can take classes at a community college and you'll pay for anything that he earns above a C level, he pays upfront.
I would not, in any way shape or form, send him back to school. You do have the ability here to stop his downward spiral."
Asking our community of parents: Would you foot the bill for another semester? Have you had this problem? Share your experiences, opinions and advice in our comments area or on the forum.
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It sounds like he already chose to be independent by not coming home for days/weeks.At 19 years old, he needs to begin to pay for his own education. He can get loans and I have a feeling that once he realizes that when he messes up he is hurting himself, he may have a different attitude. We must remember, he is the one going to college, not the adults in his life. If this behavior continues, what is he going to do if he is kicked out or if he graduates? Last I knew, football was not a major!!
Another semester will be the same for him and a lighter wallet for you. He’s not ready. Our daughter went into the same tizzy of rebellion. She is now 21 with no education and finally, on her own, coming around and saying, Ok, lets do something. We spent a number of years of people asking, why isn’t she in college? Finally now, 21 1/2 she wants to go further. She just had to do some more growing up. We also said we weren’t going to pay for anything until she demonstrated desire. Now, as in our older daughter, we will pay as long as she maintains a C.
It sounds like he already chose to be independent by not coming home for days/weeks.At 19 years old, he needs to begin to pay for his own education. He can get loans and I have a feeling that once he realizes that when he messes up he is hurting himself, he may have a different attitude. We must remember, he is the one going to college, not the adults in his life. If this behavior continues, what is he going to do if he is kicked out or if he graduates? Last I knew, football was not a major!!
He’s had it easy because of his situation. Everyone has felt sorry for him and bent over backwards to make life better for him. Parents do not owe their children, biological or not and education. In fact many parents can’t pay for a full college education for their children.
Find out what he wants to do and help him make a plan to achieve that goal. He may not want to go to college. I understand he enjoys playing football, but he can’t make a career of that. At least it doesn’t sound like that’s a possibility. Of course, if he wants to coach football, that’s possible, but he’s going to have to get his mind in the game and do his school work.
He can work, play ball, and go to college if he wants to. There are kids who do, he doesn’t want to and thinks he can get away with not because he knows you and his grandfather will pay the college costs. Also, when he enrolled in college what did he use for a permanent address? The colleges used to send information to that address about a student, when they drop a class and the mid-term and end of semester grades. If your college posts them online by ss number, you can still check on his progress that way.
As a parent and educator I’ve seen that the students who had to help pay for their education in some way took it serious and didn’t waste the opportunity. It’s important, though that he want to attend college.
We had a similar situation in our family, except the child was a family member. We wondered what would happen when his source of income dried up and he had to actually fend for himself (his grandmother died). No, he didn’t go to college, but he found a job and kept it. All through hs he wouldn’t keep a job, because he knew grandma would pay for everything he wanted. So, hopefully, when push comes to shove with your young man he will pony up and take care of himself.
Good luck
I have similar kids. I have started using an entirely different approach based on Heather Forbes “Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control” for traumatized children & teens. I am seeing some positive results. Losing a parent is traumatizing. This kid may be scared, and asking for attention. he may emotionally be younger than 19. Got to Heather’s web site, Read her two books, listen to a couple of audios, re-consider how you interact with this young man, and then make your decision.
This young man is obviously extremely troubled. He may also be immature and selfish, but I think you should consider what he’s been through. He lost his mother at 16, a difficult age under the best of circumstances. It’s not clear whether or not he had to change schools when he came to live with the grandparents, but I suspect he did unless they happen to live within the same school boundaries. Changing schools in high school is very tough, especially on top of losing a parent. He’s had a lot of loss and change in his life. Yes, it’s been three years, but in the life of a young person who’s already struggling with becoming an adult and all that entails, three years is a short time and such heavy losses do not dissipate quickly. It sounds as if you have been very supportive toward him and you certainly have a right to expect him to care about his own future and not to waste his time and your money. I think though, if you were to do what Denise suggests, that you should also pay for him to go to therapy to learn to cope with his issues of loss so he will have a stronger foundation to build upon.
Dear Wonderful Relatives,
First, I am an aunt who is in a similar situation with my nephew. My nephew is a junior in high school. I think Ms. Denise is “right on” in her assessment and thoughts on the college situation. However, I noticed that she did not address your comments about his behavior toward you and other family members. While I know college is important, it seems your young student might be carrying some very heavy personal problems within him–especially noting that his mom passed away when he was 16. We believe my nephew is struggling with some personal problems too. We are in the process of getting counseling.
Someone mentioned to me that it is a blessing to have unconditional family support for each other but if a member is disrespectful, etc., it might mean that it is time for the support to come with rules and conditions. For example– honesty–we must be honest with each other if we are going to help each other. I do not think Love and support go hand in hand. I think for our children (whether we are their biological parents or we are relatives helping to care and raise them) love is always constant. I don’t think we ever stop loving our children–no matter what they do. But to me love is many things and it is out of love for ourselves and others that we do not endure disrespect. dishonesty, belligerence, etc., from anyone. While there may be good reasons for him to behave this way–losing his mom,–it does not serve anyone well (especially himself)–for you or the family to tolerate this behavior for very long–I learned this the hard way. I would be willing to bet that on the inside of your young college student–he dislikes how he is behaving too. He may need help in finding ways to handle anything that is troubling him. Maybe he does not know how to stop. Sometimes we get caught in what they call a “vicious” cycle of behavior. But I feel (and this is not at all easy) that because he is now 19–he must share in the responsibility for trying to fix things in himself and with others.
I would just like to add an additional piece of information that you might find helpful when creating a new plan for your young college student.
I work for a university and many students do not fair very well their first semester in college for personal/or other reasons. Most universities offer all students a chance to take a leave of absence for at least one semester–sometimes more (depends on the college’s policy). Most campuses have a main academic advising office where this information can be found or someone to talk to about the college’s policy. One of the advantages of taking a leave of absence is your young man will not have to apply all over again to get back into the college he is now attending if on his leave he finds that he would truly like to return. Perhaps the part I love best about this information is that your young college student will have the comfort of knowing that the door to the college he is now attending will be kept ajar if he takes a leave of absence. I don’t think you and your young college student have anything to lose by filing for a leave of absence. I am pretty sure it will not cost anything in dollars. I know here at our university it does not cost anything. Might be some paperwork he must fill out.
I would also like to state from the bottom of my heart that you are wonderful people to be there for this young man and want to see him have a good life and we all know that education is one of the big keys to a better life! I bet he is very sweet too–just having growing pains and possibly maybe other pains that he does not know how to handle.
For the bright side–I try (not always successful)–to remember that my nephew is not involved with gangs, criminal activity, drugs, alcohol, does not disappear for days at a time, or run the streets and we always know where he is–these are activities that can be devastating to a young person’s life. I did not see where those were any concerns you had for your young college student. This always helps me to have a more positive perspective on any problems that come up. In fact, in so many ways, my nephew is a very sweet young man–we just want to make sure that these other unhealthy behaviors do not shadow or overpower the goodness in him. I truly hope all gets better for you, your family, and especially your your young college student. Sincerely, Like you, An Aunt Who Wants a Good life for her Nephew too!
P.S.
I think laying blame or pointing fingers does not help matters. Did you ever see the movie, “LION KING?” In one scene the little lion was talking to the shaman, telling the shaman that he had so much regret for what he had done in the past. The Shaman then took his magic cane and wacked the little lion over the head. The little lion screamed “OW,” said something like, “Hey, why did you do that?” The shauman then said, “What difference does it make–it is in the past!” This might help your young college student be able to move forward more easily!
My son’s father and I have been divorced for several years. My son has lived with his father for a long time. When he first started to talk about going to college he had his heart set on a very expensive college in our area. His father who was the one who would be helping would not pay for him to attend his chosen college. They finally chose a different college; also lesser expensive. My son’s father said he would pay for the first semester and that my son needed to get a job to pay for day to day expenses. He did not do as they agreed. Everyone else was paying for the day to day expenses because he had no job. When the second semester roled around; after asking most family memebers to cosign for a loan to pay for the second semester and everyone said no, he on his own got a loan. He finished a second semester, still the majority of that time without a job and others paying his expenses. At the end of that second semester he was done with school. That was I believe last year during the summer; he has yet to go back to school.
He like the young man you speak of thought everyone else would just continue to pay for EVERTHING. After moving home and still not putting much effort into a job search; he with help moved out into the real world. He now is forced to take care of himself. He is employed; not his dream job, but he does earn a income and pays his own way.
I just want to add that for some young adults the lesson like that my son; I think has learned, takes a little longer than it does others of the same age.
Good luck, it sounds like you have alot of good information in which to help you in your diffucult task.
As an educator and as a parent, my best advice is to stop paying for college and make the young man find his own job to support himself. My daughter had a very good time her first year in college and had to come back home and go to community college to bring her GPA up before she could go back to the university. She became a much more serious student and raised her gpa and went back to the university with the understanding that she would have to have a job to pay for her own expenses and keep her grades up. She got a job and had to stay at school through the summers in order to keep her job. She kept her grades up, worked, and graduated. Teaching our kids to be responsible adults is love. Giving them everything they ask for does not breed maturity. I would not offer any monetary support. I would offer him a place to live, but with rules attached. I would also have him pay a little rent. I hope I don’t sound too harsh, but I have had the experience to observe that kids will spend your money very flagrantly, but they will be much more careful with the things that they pay for. He may need some counseling. The grieving period for each person is different. I would suggest that you talk to him about it, but realize that you can’t force it. God bless you and your loved ones.