They've been dating for 4-6 months and seem to be in love. I just think its a bad idea. Not only don't I know the other parents at all, but they sprung this idea on our happy couple without talking to us first. So now that my wife and I have said no, we are the bad guys. The other parents have said they would allow the two of them to walk the port cities of Mexico by themselves which already sound like a lack of sound judgement. I know I'm conservative, but how many parents would really allow this. He is willing to spend his own money on the trip, but he's supposed to be saving for college expenses in the fall and has no income right now. My son has stopped talking to us and has threatened to move out, but I know he has nowhere to go. I can't be sure if his present hatred for us will fade with time or drive us apart."
Denise's thoughts: "I agree with you. But, any forbidding by you at this point of your son's life could very well drive you two apart. Your son is a young man who has to make his own decisions. As parents of young adults, we have to support their decisions, even when we don't agree with them. Even when we see all that could go wrong down the road.
Talk with him about how he is going to earn more money for the trip and college between now and then. I would also try and get to know the parents of the young lady."
Asking our parenting community: Would you allow your son to go? Would you take your daughter's boyfriend? Share your thoughts, advice and experiences in the comments area.
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I agree, the parents of the girl should have asked you first…at this point perhaps you could have your son earn money for the trip and college with specific goals in mind…if he doesn’t have it, he can’t go. He’ll lose his deposit, but no touching the college fund. Also share your concerns maybe at a dinner with the other parents and the couple regarding the dangers of visiting outside the US. Other countries do not have the same legal system or safety measures we have in the US. Good Luck.
If I read the article correctly,then the “girlfriend” is a minor.At only 15 years old “concerned” dad would have a lot more to be worried about if they had sexual relations.It is illegal to have sex with a minor if you are an adult(he’s 18).I would hate to see two families ruined over an irresponsible decision on everyone’s part.As parents we need to guide our children and help them make good decisions.If she was also 18 years old then this would not be such a sensitive issue.It amazes me that a 15 year old is “in” love,maybe “puppy” love to be sure.I wish both families well over this decision.
As a mom of a 15 year old girl, I would never ever allow her to date an 18 year old, nor would I allow him to join us on a vacation. As for being a parent of an 18 year old young man, I doubt I’d let him go if he still lived at home….’these are our values, our house rules….I understnad that you’re very disappointed; there will be other opportunities’…etc. I’d surely caution him about the adult status that he has, the significant consequences that he could face and the very tempting situations that he will find himself in.
Is this even a real situation?? It sounds fishy to me. I have a 15yr old daughter and two sons one 19 one 17. There is no way I would allow this. It is inappropriate in so many ways. (staying in the same room???) He may be 18 but that doesn’t really mean he is an adult, and 15 is too young to have a boyfriend this age.
I agree with the other parents who say that this is a bad situation for the 18 yr old. He can be charged with rape even if they have sex consentually. I think the parents of the girlfriend are making a big mistake by allowing this. They may be sharing a room and think that is only time these kids will be able to have sex but they find ways. I have a soon to be 18yr old girl and I am glad to see the responses from other parents in this issue. good-luck
As I’m reading through the comments today, it struck me that sometimes it is easier for a parent who as not gone through a situation to answer the questions that aren’t there.
Jean – yes, real situation.
Kim – the age of consent is not always 18 for each state. Some states it is as low as 14. Most seem to be at 16. Here is a link: Age of Consent. Plus, no one is saying that going on a vacation with the girlfriend’s family is consenting to allowing these two to have sex.
Carol – wondering if you would put your relationship with your daughter on the line if she was 18 and wanted to go?
I feel this is a question of when can we let go, how can we trust this other family, how do I now define my relationship with my adult son?
We experienced a similar situation when our son was 18 and a Freshman in college. His girlfriend was 16 and her grandparents paid for him to travel to their winter home in California over spring break. We had said no and had to deal with much argument from our son – he could not fathom why we had a problem when her parents were fine with it. We discussed the fact she was a minor, it was inappropriate, against our morals, etc.
This is the same girl who snuck out of the house and drove 4 hours away to see our son. When we discussed that with her parents their response was “it is what it is”. We were shocked that they were so nonchalant about the situation.
We finally told our son our feelings and that he was going to do what he was going to do but there would be no financial participation from us. We spoke to the girls parents and were chastised by them because they were fine with it and he was an adult so they felt he did not need our permission nor should they have called us. Never mind the fact their daughter was a minor! He went ahead and went and had a bad time while gone because he felt badly about what it had done to our relationship and how it had so deeply disappointed us. He ended up regretting his decision to go even though he was an adult and could make his own decisions because he had disrespected us.
Any time parents want to include another person on a trip, regardless of the relationship, etc., they should FIRST talk to the parents of the other child to make sure they are ok with it BEFORE even mentioning it to the kids as an option. That way if it is not ok then the kids wont get their hopes up for nothing.
I am amazed at the attitudes of the parents of some girls – they seem to encourage adult relationships far too young, and see nothing wrong with the aggressive behavior of their daughters towards men. It used to be you worried if you had daughters, now you have to worry if you have sons.
OK…my two cents.First of all I find it hard to believe that the two sets of parents have never met after six months. When my daughter was 15 and had a 15 year old boyfriend I met those parents on the first date!Also that being said I have also raised two sons and even though I cared about them and their safety I never felt the same protectiveness as I did for my daughter.Double standard exists for sure.Back to the issue at hand. As much as I love Mexico the country is just not as safe as it once was for anyone.It seems a bit foolish to allow two young people out on their own. Also I truly question the judgement of parents who would even think of bringing an 18 year old boyfriend on a trip with their 15 year old daughter.Doesn’t she have a girlfriend? And being realistic on the sex issue…after six months of dating who doesn’t questions that it has already happened?
Try to allow him the freedom to make these choices while feeling free to give advice. Done in a loving matter, he may be more receptive.
Use this as an expression of confidence in his ability to make smart decisions. If he makes a less than smart decision, help him out. Both of you will not be able to make all the mistakes in your lifetime. Keep the lines of communication open for when you need them in the future.
I have an 18 year old son who will be leaving for college in the fall. While I do think that each child matures at a different pace, i do not think I would let him go where he would be staying in the same room as the rest of the family. Plus,Mexico is not considered safe. My son has spoent summers in LA and NYC and is quite city smart and I still would not let him go to Mexico in that type of situation. Something strikes me as odd. Some lack of boundaries. I have a good relationship with my son and i would say no. If he disgareed, then I would tell him he had to pay for it on his own and would discuss the potential downsides. Good luck but I do not think you are doing the wrong thing. He is probably threatening to move out because he is embarrased that he is 18 and his parents are saying no. he may be relieved actually and is looking for a way to save face. Maybe you can offer the “couple” an alternative activity that seems more appropriate.
Perhaps there is another view to this issue. I believe the parents of the 15 year old girl are looking for an easy way to enjoy their own vacation without the responsibility/entertainment of their daughter. These parents show an amazing lack of discretion and judgement and I have to question their agenda. So far, they have invited a young man w/o the input from his parents, promise 1 room (cheaper) and stated that they will let the young couple travel the ports of call independently. The girl’s parents could not allow a similar arrangement if their daughter invited one of her girlfriends. It sounds like a fun babysitting job with benefits. Perhaps he should charge an hourly fee to help pay for college.
I agree with you and have been in this situation with my daughter. I also said no and stuck to it and she got over her anger, but I really didn’t care at that point. Five years have passed, and now she thanks me for saying NO!! Young love usually does not last and the fact the girl is only 15, well I really worry about her parents lack of judgement and they should have approached you first. Mexico is VERY DANGEROUS and many Americans, especially young people, are kidnapped or killed there each year, well over 200. I would just say NO because of the danger of going into a country on the verge of civil war. In the end, what kind of parents would even think it is alright for their 15 year old daughter to take an 18 year old on vacation?
UNBELIEVABLE !!!! I cannot believe that a minor in the eyes of the law, is being allowed by her irresponsible parents to even think let alone encourage such a thing. That young man, by law , would be guilty of “statutory rape” yes even if the minor agreed to the sexual act. How do i know there will be no sex, come on!!!! I see bad things awaiting for all 4 people involved. All sleeping in the SAME room give me a break!!!
Yes, I would allow my son to go. First, this begs the question “if my son was going out for so long with a girl he was in love with, WHY don’t you know her parents?” I make a point of meeting ALL of the parents my son knows, (girls or boys)because I participate in EVERY event that takes place. Second, if they are all staying in the same room, who cares? Third, the scariest scenerio you’ve described is the visiting ports of call w/out an adult escort. So, my answer would be “I’ll go with you”. Trust me, I’ve done this before. When my son met a girl on the internet at 14 and his idiot father condoned it, I just said “ok, well, then, I have to meet her parents”. I drove him to Boston (with the dog) I stayed in a motel next to the house he was staying in, I went to the Halloween Party they all had, and I’m actually pretty cool, but there was NO WAY my kid was travelling around with a bunch of crazy people, and when the girl came to visit, I insisted she stay with me (instead of the divorced father). I was WILDLY unhappy about the situation but I knew if I forbade it, that would not work. So, I tried to make the best of a bad situation. Being a part of it solved several problems: the girl knew she had someone else to contend with aside from her lackadaical parents, my son knew he couldn’t get away with a bunch of bull, both of them knew someone was trying to take care of them, (something SHE desperately clearly needed) and my son had someone around to make fun of when they ran out of conversation. I never heard my son say to me “Mom, go home, or Mom, you’re being a pain”. He was not enthused about it, but he never complained either.
As for the 18 vs 16, my son is now dating what seems like a very nice 16 year old, she seems enthralled about going out with a Senior and my son is a very nice boy and one who hopefully knows that if it gets serious, he should use protection..
Bottom line, meet her parents, show everyone all the —- on the ‘net, about people being kidnapped, murdered on the beaches, show them the laws in that country (again on the ‘net, that’s all the kids know) make a nuisance of yourself and if you can afford it, just go with them.
Parenting teens has a lot of challenge.18-year-old son is still a big boy while he needs to be respected like an adult. Give him your opinion in a suggestion tone, which I think is the best way for this case.
I have somewhat of a similar situation. While there is no cruise involved, I have a 15 (almost 16) year old daughter with an 18 year old boyfriend. I guess it depends on the maturity level of the teens AND more importantly the parents taking the teens on a cruise. I would definitely not be comfortable with my daughter and her boyfriend walking around port cities by themselves. That just isn’t safe, sometimes even if you’re an adult! But, if the parents are willing to take the responsibility to play watchdog when they’re supposed to be having a vacation…
As for the age thing, and legalities, I have my opinions on this issue also. It is only a 3 year age difference. Yes, a 15 year old in traditional terms doesn’t have the maturity level to deal with such a serious relationship, but I look at it from a more personal level. I was 17 when I got married. I am now 34, and have four wonderful, responsible children. My daughter’s boyfriend treats her like a princess, has a job, is attending school to be an architect, and is buying a home at 18 years old! My daughter is an honor student, attends school EVERY day, and is so happy when she’s around this guy. I am perfectly ok with them being in a relationship together.
Hello! Well: I like the comment about telling your son about your concerns, that he would have to come up with a plan to save for the trip and for college and that if he didn’t have the money to go to Mexico, then he would not be able to go. Be available to hear his opinions because you do want to have open communication because when he goes to college, there will be other issues that he may want to tell you about but chooses not because of how this situation was dealt with.
With his “threats” to move out, I would say: Okay, but you will be on your own if you leave because of this issue. We will be here for you always, but you will be totally on your own.
Hear him out, ask him about sex, how he will be the mature one even when they are alone. I would also have a dinner with the family so that more information about the trip is discussed.
Once you tell him your opinions,, let him make it. He will live with the decision but he needs to know that you will be there with him and support him (not agree but support him) because he knows what you don’t like about the situation.
If you guys pray, then pray about his decision making process, that he will see all the avenues and he will be lead by God to make the right decisions; that your relationship with him will continue to be strong as you allow him to grow up even more. You can also pray for a change in the girl’s parents, that they would change their mind,, but either way, pray that you would be strengthened no matter what decision your son makes,,,
Keep the lines of communication open, and if he has the money, then he can go.
Im 17 and i am not a parent myself but i do think that you want to be careful with the age difference, but if the 18year old has money to cover both his course and the trip or even have the money for the trip and the majority of the money for the course or vise versa and he has both your’s and your wife respect and rules in mind then i think he should be allowed to go. Sharing a room does not mean they are going to sleep together, they both might not be ready for that stage in the relationship. But i do agree with what someone put about contact, i think that the 18year old should agree to rulse of contacting you and your wife with where he is, how he’s doing, like a general conversation everyday or every other day so your mind is at rest that they are okay.
Although there is an age difference, i think if they are both sensible teenagers/adults and have respect for rules, then i think there shouldn’t be a problem!
What a dumb idea. Someone needs to show some sense in this situation and it seems to be up to the boys parents. At 18 years it may not be possible to stop their son without him leaving or at the very least rejecting is own parents. I would have a long discussion with the girls parents before this goes on much longer.
My husband and I are the parents of three boys – 18, 16, and 14. Although I appreciate Denise’s point of view, I disagree. My husband and I are reasonable parents but lean toward the conservative side when it comes to raising our boys. I would trust your gut – your initial instincts. I think you are right on the money. What we have told our sons is that while we are providing income to them, i.e., college, they still are under our authority. We have been in similar situations when the parents of other friends/girlfriends don’t seem to think there is anything to worry about. We have trusted our instincts and so far, although we have felt hated at times, we are glad we have. We hope some day when they have teens of thier own, they will appreciate the reasonalbe boundaries we put in place for them. Good luck to you.
I’m a 17 year old girl. In my view, what your son is going to do is ridiculous. Because, he could be in trouble if he join his girlfriend, who is minor. Certainly, he is 18 years old, but he is not that much familiar with the real life. I think you have to talk with him. He has brain and he will be convinced, only if you try. Speak to him. Convey him that he is very important for you. He’s a member of family. He is also responsible for the image, status etc. of the family to which he belongs. He own a future which is purely based on his present. Now people will do any thing for money. Sometimes, love itself takes revenge. Such fake rape cases are so familiar. Everyone will be with that girl. But, then also he wants to go, just allow him. He will be careful after all these pieces of advice. He will take care of himself. And, just inquire about that girl, her parents etc.
Absolutely not appropriate. It’s also illegal for a 15 year old to be dating an 18 year old. If your son is living at your home, stick to your conservative values. If your relationship is strong to begin with, he’ll come around.
We had almost the exact thing happen to us and our son last year. For us it started with son wanting to spend the weekend at g/f’s house (an hour out of town) and vice versa. He was asked to go on a two week holiday with them out of province, but that holiday coincided with ours, and we said no. (As it turned out, the two of them broke up just before the two week holiday, so just as well for us.) Anyway, we also didn’t know the parents, except to meet them briefly, but they seemed sincere enough, and promised to keep a good eye out on the two of them. In the end, it didn’t matter, because the two kids found ways to be together behind her parents’ backs, and yes, ours too. We were disappointed with their lying and sneaking around to say the least.
What can you do at this age? Not too much, just hope all the good examples you’ve raised him by will help him make sound decisions. If not, hope he learns something from his mistakes.
It’s really hard, and I sympathize with what you’re going through…
I think half of you forgot what it is like to be a teenager…. No matter what you do it can go wrong… All any parent can do is prepare for it.. Let him go …… This is a chance of a lifetime. Provide him with a good cell phone with international calls. Sit down and talk to him about your concerns, speak with the other parents also. Thank God my mom let me go on trips like that or I would have never gone anywhere. my mom was always straight with me.
Well, well, well! You see? our teenage Children remain to be very unpredictable. So, while we deal with their affairs, we should note that things might get out of hand if not well handled. Have a tolerant heart and let him go while you sit him down at a convinient time to tell him what it means to live life the way he wants.
I have an 18 yr. old son who I trust and love so, so much. My son hangs out with a mix of boys and girls which I’m thankful for but I feel your pain and indecision! Yet there is something odd about all 4 sharing a cabin with her parents especially! There will need to be unscrupulous modesty, etc. not just with the teenagers but the adults as well. Raising kids is the hardest job on earth and you want to make them happy. You want them to love you and think you’re great. But sometimes nothing says ‘I love you’ like telling your child NO. I wish you the best of luck!
I think that all of you are just people that dont now noting of their life and how they feel and if they love each other then live them alone with their life. They now what are they going to do and what they now want’s going to happen. If they want to have sex then use protection and if don’t then sufer your consecuenses. The life of now is just having sex but let me tell you some thing(the girl 15 years old)if you want to have sex then go for it but always rember that there’s is dessies all over the world and perents if you you ivite her boyfriend then it’s going to be your porblem to oh you separate there rooms or separate them one of two. Now i’m not telling you to not go out with him but i’m telling you to do waht you think it’s right.