Last party, I talked to him before, expressed my concerns with the drinking and hoped that he again would make smart decisions, explained that he would be tested if I suspected anything when he came home. Maybe he thought I was bluffing. I bought a breathalyzer and used it on him. His reading, .11. My 15 year old was drunk .
Here is my question: do you think testing your 15 year old is justified as a parent? I believe I did the right thing. He was mortified, and now his friends think I am "Psycho Mom", of which I really don't care. Some of the parents found out what I did and think I went a little too far. Did I?? I am not willing to sit back and let them drink, especially when it seems to be happening more times than not. Maybe these other parents should wake up and realize that things are not like they use to be 30 years ago, and stop with the "well we were teenagers too" bit. Kids are starting to drink and do drugs at earlier ages. Don't turn your heads away from it.
Denise's thoughts: I don't think you went too far. You found out what you needed to know, and now you'll get your son some help. Ignoring that your son is drinking could have allowed so many problems come into his life - depression, problems in school and more. You are taking a stand against that because you love him enough to deal with the repercussions of raising a drug free teen. More and more parents are doing the same, so you aren't alone.
Asking our parenting community: Would you test your teen if you thought he was doing drugs or drinking? How would you handle parents who feel that you've 'gone too far'? Please share your thoughts, experiences and advice in the comments area.
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I think since the drinking, in this case, has become a bit too habitual for a 15 year old boy. I don’t judge the parent’s decision to use a breathalyzer on her son. But, my first course of action would be to not allow him to go to these parties in the first place. He is 15, not 18. She should still have some kind of parental control over where he goes and who he is with.
I’m a psycho mom on occasion, too. My daughters haven’t tried the drinking yet. They are 13, 15 and 17. I’ve been lucky that way but I still keep a close eye on their actions. I know peer pressure and curiosity can entice any kid to drink or worse.
I am in TOTAL agreement. However, only one other thing that could have been done is given a choice…either breathalyzer or not go! I believe kids these days are not being parented! So Bravo to you! You are actually parenting! Only other thing…I would ask if the drinking is covering any negative feelings that he has in life in general or if it’s just peer pressure. Regardless, I would do the very same thing you did and wouldn’t hesitate.
I wholehearted agree with the testing. I have test my 14 yr old son but drugs and he has come up positive. It may be a “teen” thing but I do not want him to be like I was. I will test him for everything under the sun if I have to. I have also made it so he can not sneak out his window at night and have alarms on the doors. It may seem a bit much but I sleep better knowing where he is!
Everyone has excellent thoughts!! I think you were absolutely fine with testing but I also agree with Donna about not letting him go in the first place. I have four teens and I am the Prevention Coordinator in our town for underage drinking and the biggest problem I have is the parents. I don’t know if it is the parent peer pressure to be cool parents (parents have peer pressure too!) or they think because they did it and survived it is ok. All I know is there are parents who even let their kids have parties with alcohol even though our state passed a social host law! It is the most frustrating thing I have ever encountered. So Bravo to you for taking action. My fellow parents of this generation appall me. Many of them have raised a bunch of irresponsible spoiled brats. These brats are now turning into adults and going out into the world. I’m scared!
I think you did the right thing. Our job as a mom is to be a parent, not our teen’s best friend. If the other parents think you went to far, too bad for them. How will they feel when their teen is in a car accident and the person behind the wheel is under the influence of alcohol and drugs? Just because we were teens once too doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t parent our children.
In the end, it really doesn’t matter what other parents think. He’s your son and you did what you needed to to keep him safe. One day he’ll realize that. Hang in there!
Once you know that your 14 or 16 year old is well on their way to drinking and or using drugs, what can a parent do? Where do we turn to as parents? Who do we take them to for help? Please be specific on each addiction, i.e. alcohol and drugs.
As for the mother who tested her kid for alcohol. Not only did she do the right thing, but she should continue to do it, and more randomly, even if she has a little suspicion. That’s the best way for her to know if the child is using. Then, maybe, just maybe she can stop it at an early age. She can give the boy a choice if she wants to, but the child should know that if he refuses, that’s an automatic “positive” test result. Good luck. I’ll keep her and her son in my prayers.
Does your school system have a substance abuse counselor located in the high school? If not, most communities have a Youth Services dept. I work for Youth Services which falls under Human Services. My boss is a family and marriage counselor. She has a ton of contacts and if she can’t help a child she has others she can refer them to.
I agree with the breathalyzer. I used one on our son. For a while, he treated it as a tool when he was pressured to drink- “My parents will test me.” However, he later started smoking pot because I had no test for that. Now we have a drug test on the shelf ready to use. Where there’s a will there’s a way! We continue to talk about the woes of drug and alcohol use. We are in fact the biggest influence in our child’s life and we are going to continue to use that as our most powerful tool.
The bottom line: NO more parties. Our kids want us to give them the boundaires. Saying NO means we love them and we want to guide them. Perhaps when he is older, he’ll be able to handle the teen pressure and say NO himself, but for now, that is Mom and Dad’s responsibility!
I think that more parents need to intervene in modifying bad behaviors that can lead into destructive lives and life styles. You did not go too far at all. One thing I would suggest is to get your child into regular counseling. It seems that he likes to impress his friends and does not care much about the consequences you have imposed. In the future, he should not be able to attend parties or gatherings without you or some responsible parent supervision.
The parents who are judging you probably need some behavior intervention.
I have tested my daughter for drugs and alcohol, but she has admitted to doing drugs and alcohol. I have tested her to make sure she has continued to stay clean. She experimented with drugs and alcohol at school or by sneeking out at night. We never let her go to parties unless we have spoken to the adults in charge. Now she offers to do the testing so she can go to the parties.
I drank like your son at age 13 and became an alcoholic. I have been in recovery for 17 years. My 18-year-old knew the risks, but has tried drinking anyway; no surprise there. I would use a breathalyzer in a heartbeat. Also consequences – if you drink, you’re grounded – no more parties. I agree that this kid, and many others may be on the way to alcohol addiction. Visiting a few AA meetings could be a “sobering” experience! Contact Alcoholics Anonymous for information.
yes i would test my son for drinkingand drug you bet i woold because i love him and dont want any thing bad to happly to him are he hute some by drinking and dravethat can be bad to
When I discovered my 15 year old had tried pot and was smoking cigarettes, he got grounded for a couple of weeks and now if he wants to go out with friends, he knows he’ll get tested on both. We’re happy so far, so good. (I should invest in a drug test company based on my own purchases and the apparently growing demand for this peace of mind) I agree with another commentor that it may help them with the peer pressure if they can say they can’t party because their ‘pyscho mom’ will test them. I pre-empted the party thing by telling my son before he began high school that if he asked to go to a party, he could expect me to call the parents. Consequently, he has never asked yet. We live in LA. The pressures are enormous and the dangers prolific. I feel like I have to be a warrior for my son’s safety and my number one enemy is my own desire for him to be happy and have fun. His death stares when I confront him or say ‘no’ are a dagger to the heart but I am toughening up and know it has to be so for now. Good job MOM. Keep it up. We live in crazy times so being a ‘psycho mom’ is a good adaptation!
You were absolutely RIGHT ON! Your son is young and is still developing his moral compass and mistakes will be made. Continue to keep close tabs on his friends and his habits for self-destructive behavior. He will only be with you for another 3 years before he becomes a legal adult. More parents should be responsible and take charge to be the adult in these matters. Too many leave their children for society to take care of. That’s why it’s such a wacky world these days, these individuals have had no home training before they set their children out into the world! Thank you for being a responsible parent!
I agree. COMPLETELY – where can I get one!?!?
Drinking is one thing but the whole RX drug thing is something I never heard of as a teen in the 70’s is so popular with teens today. I have a very intelligent honors(IB program) 14 year old (last summer) girl who I would never have suspected. One day on the way out the door to the local park teen center (supervised), I asked her to give me the lighter in her purse purse (saw it the day before – playing with fire another teen fad around here) at that, she started acting strange, turning and looking in her purse so I couldn’t see. At that, I had her dump the contents on the dining room table. It contained: 4 bottles of Smirnoff Ices wrapped in papertowels. When I searched more, I found 6 vicadin, & 4 each of two other pills. Turns out, her “friend” stole them from my best friend’s house the day before ( 4th July party). They were the brother-in-laws RXs for depression and anxiety – she had no idea what they were, her friend took them supposedly. The teen center would have burned them if they were caught.
The vicadin she took from my RX that I keep in a plastic box that I carry in and out of my truck (rarely leave it alone anywhere). RX’s are locked in a security cabinet and in my locked office.
Our School district here in Phx offers full drug testing coupons good at a local testing facility and a waver to allow random testing of our students if we desire. I also have software on her computer that records all chats, emails, etc. and have seen what she and her friends have done or plan to do. Needless to say that I impress upon her that its her future, etc. I can’t stop her, only monitor her and set expectations and ramifications. I also keep track of here where-abouts and the know the parents of her friends and she isn’t allowed to be unsupervised in private homes (age group thing)
I’d definitely test my child. However, if my child had been caught drinking at a party I certainly WOULD NOT be giving him the opportunity to do it again. Attending high school parties is a priviledge, not a right. Make parties off limits for the remainder of the school year. If you allow him to choose for himself and he makes the wrong choice, take away his right to choose. Just say no more parties because you can’t be trusted to make good decisions about drinking. I’ll remove that temptation for you until you are much older and can make better informed decisions. The real world won’t give him multiple chances to fail. If he was driving drunk, he’d have his driving priviledges revoked. Treat him just like the world will treat him, or he’s going to be in trouble when he’s on his own. Unless you want to keep bailing him out.
Good for you! I believe you did the right thing under the cirumstances. We have a breathalazer and our teenage sons know we’ll use it if we are suspicious of alcohol use. I think too many parents today try to be their children’s “friend” and are too afraid to step into the parenting role.
It’s the real world, therefore there must be constant conversations, started by the parents. NO EXCUSES, b/c it only takes one slip up by you teen to kill or be killed. Try these products knowdrugtest.com. Awesome concept, that really helps open the communication … I wanted to know…it helps trust me
AWESOME! You followed through with what you told your son that you would do. That’s great. I think the other parents are more upset that they haven’t done what you did.
Now what? You can have him go to AA or Alanon. I wouldn’t have him go to parties for a long time. You can also look at MADD and see if they have any real-life scenarios or video tapes so your son can look at them and see what can happen when he’s drunk, even though he’s not 16 and able to drive.
You may want to say no to driving at 16 until he stops drinking. Get some education for you and your spouse so that you are not being overly involved to where he continues to drink but will be the best help you can be.
Good job. Keep it up!
I think a breathalizer is great. We know to keep our children and the rest of the world safe. There is a reason the drinking age is 21. They are not responsible enough before that. Do whatever you have to to to save our children.
I totally agree and appreciate the brave stand taken by this mom in using the breathalizer. I dont think she whe went too far. We parents simply cammot afford to sit back complascently. After all, its our responsibility to see to that our children get to be influenced in the right ways till they grow up. Its not a war against teens. Its a caring mother doing her duty.
You told your teen what he was supposed to do, and you told him that you would test him. You did well both, in letting him know what you would do and proceeding with it. Your son has to learn that lying is not an effective technique. Either you do it, or else the police will do sometime.
We can forbid the kids of going to parties, but they will still go if they want to. We cannot keep an eye on them 100-percent, so it’s very important to set expectations and consequences.
The non-escape windows and alarms, as well as giving teens the choice of testing or no go are great ideas. Just make sure the kid can get out in case of fire.
you already have all of the “problems” that you need to confront and the issue is his willingness to give in to his friends. One might say until he can truely see a need of a change of heart (and friends) this is going to be a problem. Esteem is a critical issue to feel valued enough to not secumb to issues of bad friends.
Sounds like your son might have a drinking problem..they drink vodka because it’s not suppose to smell on your breath. Tell him that you think he is not making mature decisions and until he demonstrates that he can make wise deicisions you will accompany him to parties and places he goes. I bet he changes really fast! What’s worked for us is watching the show on A&E together called Intervention. I’m all for scaring the kids if it works. Hang in there..you are not alone…trust your gut feelings they are usually right.
i think it is very important to keep close track of your children regarding any bad habit you think they have picked up, just make sure you’ve made them understand what you are doing. if they know that trust in them has to be earned, they will work at earning your trust by not doing those negative things.bad habits are easier broken when young so keep at it and be encouraged that you are on the right track.
Cool!
Its a sad world when a parent feels guilty parenting. It’s even sadder feeling the thoughts of other ”adults” are more important than your child’s health and well being. I commend this woman for stepping up. Next time involve a drug-addiction specialist, not limited to your local MADD speaker. Having a stranger tell kids the facts can do wonders. Besides, you only have one chance to make a wrong right and kids brains aren’t mature enough to make such decisions. That’s why the car insurance companies say adults are real at the age of 25. Good luck and take care.
I suspect my 15 year old son was drinking during a sleepover at a friend’s house last week but can’t prove it. He is now defensive and CAN’T BELIEVE I would doubt his word. (My main suspicion is because his friends drew all over him with ink and he was vomiting in the morning and again around noon the next day) He says he just fell asleep and had a “bug” – but he was better by late afternoon the next day. My big question – he sleeps over at friend’s homes 3 or more times a week, so I don’t know what he is doing. He says he does not do drugs or drink and is indignant that I could even suspect such a thing.
I think if you do not want your 15 year old son to drink, then do not expose him to it..in other words do not allow hm to go to these parties, he might not be ready for that! We all know what teen parties are like..many things are involved..whether it is sex, alcohol or drugs..There is enough peer pressure facing your teen. He might be doing it so ot to feel the odd one out..talk through these issues with your teen, and explain to him that he needs to mature a little more before you can allow him to these kind of parties!
Yes I think testing your kids is COMPLETELY okay. I gave my 14 year old daughter a drug test and she failed. I know she has been drinking also. Her grades are in the toilet and she is disrespectful to everyone. I need to know what to do now that I know she is on the wrong road at such a very young age. HELP!
I have read all these comments, and I am a little surprised that there are no other thoughts on the subject. Are they even published? I will know soon enough. I have a question to all you well-meaning parents who are so busy micro-managing your childrens lives. I am willing to bet most of you were young and in high school once. I also am willing to bet you did the same things you are trying to make sure your children DON”T. And you know what? You all grew up to be normal well-meaning parents! How about that! We ALL snuck around, took sips of cheap wine, and LEARNED what made us sick, and what we DIDN’T want to try again. Every year when school starts, we see in the news some kid that drank himself to death…Do you know why? Because this was the first time they were on their own in a grown-up environment!their well-meaning parents made sure they were never near any situations where they had to choose for themselves…..they chose FOR them. Teach your children when they are small, dont show them you need a drink when you get home from work. Don’t let them see you pop pain pills and anxiety pills and depression pills. Show them how adults deal with life, and then, when they get to be teens, you wont have to test them endlessly, because you gave them all the knowledge they needed already. And if they do a little high school “testing”? Make sure they can call you for a ride home without the nagging or the grounding for the next month. This was will be less stressful than chasing after them…..I know it works, I did it!
I absolutely think you did the right thing. As a parent it is your job to make your expectations known to your child and then to follow through with them. You did that and it will make him think twice next time. It is not micro managing your child it is called parenting and most kids are not getting it these days. Teenagers are not adults and don’t have the brain functions of an adult, therefore they can not make every decision on there own, they need your bounderies and guidance. They need to know that the choices they make as teens, can affect their emotional, mental, and physical health for years to come. Telling your child that you will not tolerate drinking and drugs, lets them know you are thinking of them and their future, even if they can’t grasp the concept of future yet. And if our generation of parents would have done more parenting or managing of our lives, we might not need that drink after work or the depression pills.