Helping Dad With a Grieving Teen

Denise is 100% correct – huge warning signs of depression. He is going to need help (therapy, maybe meds) to get through this. I was divorced when my girls were 6 and 4. When my oldest was 13 she started exhibiting very similar symptoms. My ex had recently remarried and I had gotten engaged. We put our marriage on hold until we got through this – it took over 2 years (therapy and meds – she’s off the meds now but still occasionally sees her therapist). I can’t stress enough how important it is to get your son (and you) help ASAP. Your son is suffering horribly with something he doesn’t understand. Good luck!!

How wonderful to hear your gentle, loving attitude towards your son. I believe this is what he needs from you – understanding, support and encouragement. However, I would agree with Denise that you get professional grief counselling for him, and go with him, if possible. I lost my dad at 12 but got no counselling, and suffered the consequences for many years. Don’t let this happen to your boy.

Thanks for being a Dad who is aware of his son’s needs. I have been a pastor, chaplain and now a children’s advocate. Children deal with death differently then adults. It is not unusual for a child who is moving into a new area of maturity to “relive” events such as a death. Keeping the communications open, lots of tender love and care,plus some therapy (include yourself in the therapy) will help him. Stan

Being a teenager myself, I think no one can ever put the blame on the poor twelve-year-old kid for being sad that his mum’s not around anymore and now that his dad’s dating another woman. I think, in his heart, there are special positions for both his mum and dad each and no one can ever be replacements even when they’re gone (because they’re always there).

I agree with Denise that he’s falling into depression and he really, really needs to go to a doctor. I don’t think a counsellor will work anyway as he may be headstrong enough to reject everything the counsellor says. He needs to understand that everyone misses and loves his mum just the same and his dad will eventually have to find a companion whom he loves and loves him and his children in return. Being just twelve, that sure is a lot to cope.

All the best to this boy.

Wow! My sister-in-law (my husband’s sister) passed away at 50, when the son was 15 and the daughter only 11. Neither was given counseling, and they lived so far away from us. The husband never started dating again until years later, and is now engaged. Both are barely on speaking terms with him. The son watched his mother die while she was driving, and managed to pull the car over to the curb. Imagine having to deal with that! He’s dropped out of college, and the girl dropped out of high school and has moved in with an older man. If only we lived closer!

I think the father here sounds extremely compassionate and is open to the excellent suggestion of counseling. However, I would STAY AWAY FROM MEDICATIONS if at all possible. For the most part, they are poison. I say that from personal experience.

From your letter, it sounds to me like there is a connection between the father’s dating and the son’s change of behavior, and it’s very possible that what he is acting out is anger… anger for what he sees as his father bringing someone (anyone/a stranger/an intruder) who doesn’t “belong” into a place that belongs only to his mother. Counseling appointments might create more resistance to what the child feels is already being forced upon him…something that he has no control over.

I would suggest that the father change his romantic relationship with this new woman in the family’s life to a platonic relationship. Giving his children TIME (a LOT of time)… to get to know her first as just a friend, to get used to her presence/her involvement in their personal life… is the best thing the dad can do right now for his son. A person’s home is their sanctuary… that’s for ALL of the members of the family, and everyone’s feelings (wants/needs) need to be validated and respected. Sacrificial love is the greatest love you can give to another person, especially a family member (I am not saying to let the child rule, a situation like this is not that at all). I am just saying to put your ‘romantic’ relationship on hold temporarily, and refrain from any PDA’s in front of your children. It can best be understood when compared with something like abstinence… a boy can get sexually involved with a girl resulting in a teen pregnancy and negative repercussions with her family, or, he can exercise self-restraint in the present resulting in a more positive outcome for all in the future.

Have his son journal. Putting thoughts and feelings on paper on a regular basis is extremely therapeutic/cathartic and can actually help him to bring the pain to the surface where it can find a constructive outlet through tears. Writing, also, gives him practice expressing his feelings with words… rather than with behavior as he is now. It will, also, help him to learn to identify what he’s feeling. Sometimes journaling can turn into letters to whomever… to his Mom, to his Dad, to this new friend, to God… sometimes it can just be a constructive way to vent when he’s angry. It can help him to feel like he can still talk to his Mom, tell her things… it can help him to grieve when he’s sad, to find comfort when he misses her. When someone dies, sometimes people feel angry at them for leaving them, angry at others for not preventing it, and angry at God for allowing it and allowing him to suffer. Journaling allows them to become aware of those feelings, to get in touch with them and express them constructively. If you teach him to turn to God in his pain through journaling, that will help him as he gets older so he won’t be vulnerable to alcohol/drugs/etc to get rid of pain.
Journaling can help him to come to terms with the losses, the changes… and ultimately to heal, but, it requires patience and perseverance… and time.

Set up a ‘communication’ book for the two of you (you can actually have one for each child). It’s just a marble tablet or spiral notebook or whatever you choose. You write something that you would like to say or would like him to hear, and then he writes back. Just keep it in his room or somewhere handy. You can write how you were proud of something that he did, or that you were thinking of him at work today and what you thought. Be personal.

Ask him what he needs from you, from his siblings, relatives. Set up a regular time once or twice/week that is just for the two of you… to talk (mostly to draw him out, where the focus is on what’s going on inside of him, how his week is going, and your doing more listening). Try to take him out once/week for breakfast or lunch or ice cream… just the two of you… it’s better if it’s the same time and day each week… something that he can expect and come to depend on. Do something fun together, even if it’s just playing catch. Go walking/jogging for a mile when you come home from work with all 4 of your children. Teach him how to cook one night/week… let him choose the menu, make a shopping list and shop for the items together. Make Friday night an alternating game night/movie night playing board games or watching an age appropriate movie and eating snacks with just your children. He could play sports. He could join Boy Scouts… they’re great! It gives them goals to strive for and a sense of achievement. When my son was going through a tough time, being a boy scout really helped. He loved the camaraderie and the activities… and, the best part is that dad’s can be an integral part.

Give your children your time and undivided attention the majority of the time, and curtail the amount of time that you spend communicating with your friend on the phone and on the internet. Save most of it for after they have gone to bed. When my children spent time at their dad’s house (we’re divorced), he spent most of his time talking to his ‘friend’ either on the phone, the internet, or having her over. They felt insignificant and lonely.

It would be best at this time if your children and you saw your friend outside of the home… at a restaurant, a movie, at church. a walk around the lake.

Pray with your children and for them. Pray together as a family at least once/week (same time/same day) each week. Lead them in praising, then thanking, then petitioning. Let them hear you talk to God, ask them what their needs are, if there is anyone they would like to pray for. Tuck them into bed and kiss them goodnight (even 12 year old boys need that, and he probably misses his Mom doing that). Let them see you kneel next to their bed and hear you ask for God’s protection and provision and blessing for them. Words are powerful, and there is life and healing in them.

I truly believe that if you implement and persevere in all of the above, that over time you will see a healthy change in him.

Denise is right on target. Your son needs to get some help. Your empathy and understanding of your son is truly amazing.

In addition to the concerns Denise mentions, your son’s grief is causing him to miss school. This will create anxiety on top of his other concerns. Missing school starts another spiral of downward emotion. Many cities have groups, camps, and activities for grieving teens, look to see if there is an organization in your area.

Also, take care of yourself. It might be worth checking in with a professional to work with you and guide you on your relationship. Find a therapist that you can trust and use on an “as needed” basis. Because of your family situation, I would imagine that other issues will surface as your kids grow older. Having a neutral person, who knows you, to talk over ideas will be helpful and provide you with support as you negotiate parenthood.

Grieving is like a roller coaster. Just when you think the ride is over it goes one more round. Let your son know it is perfectly normal to go through periods in life when you relive the loss instead of remembering the good times (especially when the time was cut short at such a young age). It’s important to remind your son to not feel guilty for grieving. However, if it goes on without times of feeling content with usual interests, intervention is necessary. I’m sure your son worries what would happen if you died as well. Show him by taking good care of yourself and letting him know that you are going to be there for him for a long time. Try new things to do together that he really enjoys just the two of you. Twelve year olds are right at that age when they realize they are growing up even though they don’t want too. Remind him that grow ups can have fun too. Therapy helps kids too. Usually after ten visits they feel better. Child Therapists are great at getting most kids to open up and it doesn’t take that long to finish the visits. Sometimes kids end up finding it easier to talk to a therapist once they get to know them.

I agree that the dating is probably hit him the hardest and you may need to do a lot of talking about his mother at this time. He is probably thinking that his mother no longer plays a role in the family. Children are made up of half their mother and half their father so he may be wondering how he fits into everything. It’s important to remind him of what his mother was like and how his positive traits are similar to her. Let him know his mother will always be there because he is. You sound like a beautiful dad and thank you for that, your son is very lucky and so are we for knowing you!!

Hi!

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