Son Just Coasting Through, Any Advice?

gosh I thought I was reading about my own son, honestly it was word for word exactly the scenario I am dealing with and the saddest part of all is that I cannot even talk to my son anymore. We don’t have a relationship any longer. If I open my mouth to say something he already tells me to just leave me alone, shut up or whatever

I agree to address one issue at a time (school). Your son is worse than “just coasting” because coasting is at least passing grades and being respectful. Your husband is correct as far as the clothes and music – that will pass, but you have bigger fish to fry. Personally I would find one thing he can’t live without, be it the car keys, cell phone, or ipod, and he can’t have it back until he sits down and has an adult to adult conversation. If he yells, say, “No one is yelling at you, I’m speaking to you as one adult talking to another. I can see this is not a good time for you, so let me know when you’re ready to talk.” If he walks out, let him go. There are some ground rules at your house: no one shouts, swears, says ’shut up’, etc. If he goes as far as to push you, call the police. He’s not a guest in your house, he should be an active participant that does chores like everyone else. I highly recommend reading Walsh’s “Why do they act that way?”, “Yes, your teen is crazy!: loving your kid without losing your mind” by Bradley, and everything else your librarian can help you find. These kinds of books gave me a new start. But I also started taking my daughter to a pediatric psychologist. Our insurance doesn’t cover it all, but it’s still worth it. Also, meet with the school counselor because they should take responsibility for his attendance and get him to sign a contract to go to class and get his grades back on track. Good luck!

Place masking tape horizontally accross a standard 80 centimeter-wide door. Mark it off every 10 centimeters, each cm represents 1 year in a typical lifespan. Now mark your teen’s current age and explain that the effort they put in from ages 15 – 25 will very likely have the greatest impact on the rest of their lives. More than any other 10 year span. It is very unfair that life puts so much pressure on them to stay focused on important things during their young adult life but that “is how it is”. If they work hard now and apply themselves, chances are great that this will make the rest of their life so much easier. The opposite is also true, if they get lazy now, they will have to work much harder (literally because they will possibly do manual labor) the rest of their lives. Emphasize the span of that door and ask them if they want to work hard now during this small, 10 year, span – or do they want to work hard during this 50+ year span?

My husband read this somewhere and it had an impact on our 4 teens – oldest just got accepted to 2 colleges for next year and all are staying focused on their goals with only occasional bumps in the road.
Good luck and pray, always pray.

Try looking within. What have you done lately to help? You clearly put him in a public school. With 30 kids and one teacher, what do you expect? Try private school or homeschooling. Put your $ and time where your mouth is. I would never put my children in public high school. Mine are both in college now. Parents are so busy thinking about themselves; children raise themselves, like wolves…

Also, you should take your son to a psychologist for counseling. Once again, I did. Parenting is about work, lots of it…

Am in my early 20s
Although is hard trainning teens because this is their maturity and development stage,but try get closer to your teen,Know his/her friends,be friendly with him/her so that he/she can invite friends home,to know the kind of friend your teens walk with.Teach them moral.
My dad told me about SEX and the complications,if i want to raise my child in poverty,with that i avoid sex with my girlfriend.Also parent should try giving their teen inspirational books to read and going out for fun,pinic.

Hey don’t pressure him into anything rash it will end up coming back and he will end up worse. I am 17 and i understand he nis just going through a phaze and it will get better I went through that phaze but now I am a single mother and going to school full time and a part time job. HE will raise his head and get better so dont doubt him show him it’s okay to be different and you support his every ambition even if you dont. I promise if he doesn’t get better then I would get Mental help from a cousler at school or outside of the area. THis should help…

Hi Mom, Boy don’t I know what you are talking about there. As the other mother had indicated – I thought I was reading about my own son. My son is 18 (maturity wise – he is 16) and feels as if he knows the world and if I try to offer some actual real life experience advice “from being there”, I get, “those were ancient times mom, times have changed”. Truth be known, I RUN MY HOUSEHOLD, not him. I pay for all the bills and buy food and do laundry. If he wants to live in my household there are certain rules that must be abided by and if he doesn’t like it – “don’t let the door hit you on the butt on your way out.” The teens today, have no respect for their elders as I know I was taught. I WILL make a point to meet my sons friends and check up on him. I have done so as he since he has been growing up so that is not a big deal for my son – His friends all call me Mom. (Mostly, they tell me because I am the only mom that talks to them like people and not kids – I say it how it is – and should I say that most of my son’s friends parents don’t talk to their kids at all and they don’t have a clue. I have talked to my son about his girlfriend and his sexual proclivity, letting him know that if he doesn’t have a job to pay for an “oops” he should not be engaging in sexual intercourse and that I will not pay for it and that I don’t want to be a grandma at age 44″. Last year his grades were the best that I had ever seen as I had the school do an IEP on him. (He was on the honor roll all school year) It ended up that he had a disability in reading and the school is providing the necessary tools to aid in his success. I am a baby of 8 children and my mother used the term “Tough Love” a lot – gotta get ya some mom but remember you are the Boss – don’t give up your reigns.

I agree 100 percent with KB and like the idea mother of four shares, kids can relate to good visual ideas.. I have been there (to a lesser degree) with my daughter when she turned 17 and suddenly (you have to) I had to lay down some rules for living under my roof.. (it’s a phase? huh/ being disrespectful, failing school, no, its behavior that will have bad consequences down the road and as a concerned parent you don’t deserve that disrespect given all we all give our kids) Sorry Terese, you need to get off your soapbox, blaming the parent about their personal choices about schooling? I was saying I had to lay rules down with daughter and have immediate consequences; i.e. take away cell phone, (I used to just call phone co. and temp. shut it down) take away car keys, get up to the school and find out what they are doing as far as consequences, obviously whatever it’s not working, so go up there and YELL (I’m also a sp. ed teacher and in public schools , THE SQUEAKY WHEEL GETS OILED VERY QUICKLY if he flips out call the police if necessary stay strong but pls act and pls DON”T BLAME YOURSELF we all go thru it in diff degrees good luck

Try reasoning, explain how you feel and why you worry, but it won’t help if your husband does not support you. Tell your husband that your son is heading towards being dependant on you for the rest of his(and your) life. You pay for his needs, you both work for him. What about his responsibilities? It’s not just a phase, because not all teenagers fail in school, not all stop speaking to their parents, not all just hang around. You simply have to work out a plan – set clear rules, also the punishment if he doesn’t follow them, give your son responsibilities and obligations, let him take part in “grown-up life”, he’s probably less busy than you are. Make short term plans, don’t try to solve everything at once. It’s a real mess, be patient.

Your son’s girlfriend is probably a lifeline right now. Please go with him to a therapist– he may be somewhat (or very) depressed. Not because you have done anything wrong. Most likely he has gifts that conflict with school — but he needs help now. Teen anxiety and depression is at an all-time high– please help him to prevent any further harm to himself.

Also, please show him the video presentation on my website– it gives hope to teens who do not like or do not do well in school: http://www.PositiveLeaders.com/studyresults.html

Please don’t be harsh to you or your son, but please do speak with him– simply tell him you are concerned about him and you love him. Please get the support that he needs.

All best wishes to you and your son!
Christine

I agree that reading about your situation was like taking a page out of my book dealing with my 16yo. There were days when OMG I thought I spanned an alien but in same areas that is normal for this age group (think about what you were like at 16-17). There is one difference though between what you said and what is going on with ours….my son is gifted and has ADHD. Both of those have added issues like poor grades, poor attitude and behavior, being definite and not following the rules add that with the normal teenage issues and battles you have a powder keg just waiting for a match (I call it the teenage years times 5). Now we have always had issues with him doing his HW and handing it in, so he was doing A-B on his tests and in classes he liked but no where else even when he was on his meds. But since my son made the decision to stop taking his ADHD meds anymore he was starting to act like he did when the meds would wear off (the dosage was doing nothing anymore to help with his focus, grades, behavior or mood. When we tried to increase the dosage it just made him mean and nasty. Plus he wanted to go into military and some branches will not accept kids on ADHD meds so he wanted to try to control it himself). Like I said ADHD plus the normal teenagerism (what I call the phase all teenagers go through) and you have a powder keg just waiting for any kind or spark to blow.
It got to point that every morning it was like a war zone in the house. His grades were terrible. His attitude was just as bad. He was never home because he was always doing something with the church, school or his friends. We would tell him to be home as certain time but he would stay out later and when I texted him he would call with some excuse (usually that he was either doing HW or counseling someone who was having problems). He was lying alot and he thought he knew everything. He even went so far as to tell us that he was going to do these things and we could not stop him (like a said same issue as ADHD but worst). It got so bad that we had to call the preacher from his youth group to help (which did for short while). I thought that it was just at home that he was doing this but after going to his PT conference I discovered that this was the same at school…he was just doing enough to skate through his classes. He was not doing nor handing in his HW, he was not giving any effort whatsoever to try in class, he was moody, he had a bad attitude and even the few classes he liked were suffering. Most of the teachers know my son and his habits but even they said it was much worst then usual. All of them and the few people I have spoke to and from my own past experience all agree that there some of this behavior is just the normal teenagerism that all teens go through. Yes you do have to try to help steer him through the difficult course that is life till he can learn to make the right choices but he has to learn lessons on his own. That is what the teenagerism is….a growth period from being protected by mom and dad to trying to make their own decisions (spreading their wings and learning to fly on their own)….and they are going to make a lot of mistakes, they are going to push the boundaries/rules during this period. All you can do is be there to try to give guidance, set and enforce the rules as long as they are in your house…if they choose not to accept it then well there is not too much else that you can do to make them choose to do it or not. I will tell you what we have done…and yes there are days it is difficult but we are staying the course with tough love and firm rules. After talking to a few counselors, other parents and having to go through this same thing with the other 2 sons…. my husband and I decided to put down these guidelines/rules to our son: If he wanted to continue to play this game then to expect the following:
If you do not want to follow the simple rules then do not except to go anywhere other then school, school required functions, practices and church…no extras activities.
If you ask to go somewhere then rest assured that you will not be going….in other words you don’t want to do what we say we don’t have to do what you want/ask.
You will hand in all your HW done or not (partial grade is better then no grade) until I see proof that you are there will be no dances, games, parades, nothing. If at end of each week I see that you have handed in you HW and made an effort in every class and done all your chores you might be able to go somewhere.
If you tell me that you have a school function to go to or that you have practice…you had better be telling the truth…because telling the truth you will get more rewards…tell me a lie or try to pull the wool over on me and next time you will get nothing…even if it is the truth (trust is a great thing but when it is lost it is a B to get back).
Stay out past time set or go other then where stated and you will be restricted….each time you do this it gets longer … if not careful you might discover that you feel like more of prison then you like.
If you are out longer then we like or past curfew and not where you say…we might consider you have run away and will call police.
You are 16-17 so under the law we are still responsible for your safety and you still have to follow our rules. If you do not like them or wish not to follow them then you will face the consequences.
If you run away…we can have you picked up by police…if that happens this is what will happen.
You will spend night in jail or at youth detention center till you can go before a judge that will either keep you in jail or put you on restriction (which makes our restriction look like a cake walk) till your hearing comes. At the hearing they will determine rather you will continue to let you remain at home under restriction, be put in group home or foster care.….any of which means the freedom you love so much will be changed….you will have rules you WILL have to follow and chores you WILL have to do. The friends that you are hanging with now you may not be able to see anymore if you go any other place other then home…..and even then we will decide if you can or not. While you are on restriction you will be watched closely…mess up again it is only gets worst from there.
You can fight us if you want but we were young once and have many years of experience behind us and can hold out longer then you can when it comes to be stubborn…. this is a war you will not win.
If you do not try to make an effort we will not make an effort to come to your rescue when things blow up in your face (you created it you fix it).
If you do make an effort and do everything you can to do something then we will back you up to ends of the earth.
But play or make bad/negative choices then you will have to suffer or face the consequence for those actions or choices. Just as when you make the good/positive choices or actions you will reap the rewards.
If you think that you want to get so bad that we kick you out…the real world is not the sunshine and roses place that you think it is…..you will have to get a place to live ……yes you could stay at friends but after awhile that gets old and if you don’t get a job they will kick you out. If you are out on the streets the same thing that happens if you run away will happen here….only this time the being returned home may not be an option. So make your choice…follow our rules, contribute and make an effort to be part of this family as long as you are under our roof. Or continue this game/power play and face the consequences and as I said we are masters when it comes to being stubborn so you will not win this game you are playing.
With your son being 17 there is only a little you can do before he is 18 when you have no control over what he does. You will have to do Tough Love and let him either fall on his face a lot before he finally turns around. Now you might think me a Hard A with what I have said here and the rules we set down for our son…but our 16yo is the youngest of 3. I had to do the similar Tough Love thing with the other 2. The oldest had to learn the hard way and his stubbornness made him spend time in boy’s home but he finally learned the lessons before he got worst consequences in his adult life. The middle one well he called our bluff (he is my step son, he had been in trouble since he was 12 yo so because his dad worked over the road driving, his birth mom was an addict the courts sent him to live with his grandmother, but when she got too ill to control him, the courts returned him to our home because his dad and I were now married). He didn’t like our rules (because when living with grandma he ruled the house because she was so ill, he was in and out of detention center…henes why he was placed back with us) so he run away when he was 15yo. We called the police and from there he was in and out of boys homes, kicked out of school then the state. He still would not learn the hard lesson after he turned 18yo, he is not 21 and on the 3rd stay in the adult jail… He did tell me that my doing the tough love was the best thing that I could have done but that by the time I got to him it was too late as the damaging bad habits had already begun and only he could change them by then.
There is also something else that found that is helping us. I tried a formula that I found through painandstresscenter.com called Teen Link. It is amino acid (what the body needs to function properly) that was geared towards the needs of teens in today’s world (stress, mood swings, anger, etc). Since he has started taking that he is not as definite, angry, moody and we are able to talk without doors slamming and almost coming to blows (him not us). He also listens more, has a bit more understanding and is more agreeable. You might try it to see if it will help any in turning it around a little or atleast putting a crack in the door so that a bit of light and wisdom can get through so the light bulb comes on or you hear a popping sound as his head is removed from his nether regions…sorry bit of humor there.
As I said your son is getting close to 18yo so there is not a whole lot you can do except that under law you are still in control of him so unless he can proof that he can live on his own to the courts he has to obey the house rules. Unfortunately until that light bulb goes off or till you hear the popping sound of his head being removed from the lower part of his body…there may be a battle and God forbidden it might come to you having to watch him destroy himself or go down the wrong path.….this age is the hardest part of being a parent. Watching your child learn the hard lessons, having to stand firm and having to enforce hard tough love to teach some of those lessons, there will be sleepless nights, stress and crying …but when it is all over though there may be some pain there are rewards for your actions and sacrifices. Good luck and know that there are others out there that are facing or have faced this same difficult time in parenting and those that have faced it survived and the kids well many of them also survived it to have to go thought it with their teenagers (I guess it is sort of true what they say about what you do or say will come back to you later in life). Again good luck and sorry if I sound like a real tough parent….believe I do cry and have had many bad days …..Remember this is my 3rd go around with parenting you can only do what you can and learn from your mistakes.

The first thing I would do is check your son’s room for drugs. Chances are if he is being that defiant he may be experimenting with drugs. I went through a similar situation about four years ago with my teenaged son. It started out in seventh grade hanging out with kids I didn’t care for but my ex-husband didn’t see eye to eye with my husband and me so we were left with accepting the friends that he had and only got worse when he went to high school. Not only did he use drugs but sold them with his buddies, but always wanting to work for the F.B.I. , I did my detective work and found things in his room. I gave him two chances to change his ways but he kept on going. I had him arrested by the police twice and was able to go through court to get him the help he needed. He was taken to a court ordered rehab which has changed his life. It finally has sunk in that he has been masking a problem within about how he’s been feeling about his real Dad and our divorce. I’ve learned that no matter what a parent tries to do to help their child ultimately especially a teenager they have to mess up and learn the hard way. We had counseling galore for our son and if they’re not ready to change, they’re not going to. Now we can finally say after four long aggravating years our son has finally come out shining!!!

It may be a phase. My two sons passed through it. As Denise said, I had a good talk with them, about commitments and that grown ups commit themselves to duties and that they should be responsible of their own actions. I started off with this system at home, never clear their rooms and so on. I insisted that if they want me to treat them like grown ups, they should act like grown ups or else they have to face consequences. I believe that the most important thing with our teens is the dialogue within the relationship.

He sounds depressed, may have low self image, using illegal drugs, have a learning disability… something is wrong
he him help fast by letting him talk to someone he can trust …. my buddy was picked on at school who broke his 300 dollar glasses and my son was scared to tell me because i might over react

give him motivation to want to become educated drive him around the rich and show him the difference
most importantly
PRAY
GOD BLESS

“World’s Strictest Parents”

These kids really need to be handled with kid gloves. What works for one may not work for another. It also depends on how dependant they are on you. They also have alot of pride at this age and will have a hard time agreeing that you are right and they are wrong. Being too hard can push them away forever. My middle child was the wild one. I just always made sure she knew how much I loved her. I would tell her numerous times a day. I would also let her know that she made her own choices and that her choices led to consequences, but ultimately she made those decisions. So, if I asked her to be home by a certain time or lose her cell phone and she wasn’t, she made the choice to stay out late and she made the choice to lose her cell phone for the rest of the week. It’s a dangerous world out there to just say if you don’t listen to me then “get out”. My daughter is 21 now and I am the first one she calls if she’s feeling good or sad about something. We talk. Don’t get me wrong, she still makes bad decisions on occasion, but she knows I will be there for her when she needs me.

My problem sounds exactly like yours. I found out my 17 yr old was experimenting with drugs. He has terrible friends ,God knows, I have tried to change that, and I can guess you have too, but know exactly the results. My husband kicked him out of the house. I dont think that helped alot.I dont know whats going to happen or how it all will work out. But I do know I love my son and I dont want himdead. i know I dont want him to think we dont love him and feel like we are pushing him away. We are going to start family couseling, I hope it helps, because I feel like I dont know what im doing and I hate the feeling like im failing. I would say. be willing to compromise, take it in little steps. working on the issues that are most important! Tt is very important to me to still have a good elationship with my son.and be a good example to him. In this day and age, thats hard to find. Think with ur heart and ur motherly instinct and uyou will make the right decisions. The girl sounds like a good thing at this point. Just counsel on safe sex. Boy! i know what ur going through. Imagine i have 6 kids total. 3 teenagers, just look what I have to look forward to! lol

This story sounds a lot like what my son (14 yrs) is beginning to go through. But your tone sounds awfully passive and “wimpy”. Why does he seem to be the one in control of your relationship? He is manipulating you. If you zig, he will zag. If you say yes, he says no. That is how he keeps in control.
Also, your attitude about “not letting him fail”, is a huge problem with American parents today. When we guard our kids from failure, they don’t understand the meaning of hard work and sacrifice. They have no self esteem. Why would they? Nothing has ever been hard for them. Trying and failing, and trying again, and again, and again builds character. You teen will be a better person in the end. Let him make those grades and face the consequences. If you have raised him well, then he will come to terms with it in his own time. Your efforts to smother him will only drive him to do the opposite.

I left home, quit school and decided that I would spend my life at a minimum wage job and just party. Then I got fired (failed) and it made me realize that i did not want to be 40 and filling out applications for minimum wage jobs. I got my butt back to school. I owe my work ethic and success to that “failure”.