I think she may feel that we aren't supportive enough or proud of her for coming out. So we asked to her to let us know What she does want from us, but she never can seem to answer that question.
I feel like she is holding her love ransom unless we do or say exactly the right thing. (I thought coming out was scary because of the possibility of people rejecting the person who was coming out, not because the person coming out would be rejecting those who love her.)
I think she has learned some of these terribly hurtful things from a girlfriend she had a relationship with. This girl did the same thing to my daughter. If my daughter didn't do as she wanted, her (lesbian) friend would shut her out just to be hurtful, spiteful and mean. That and many other things her ex did to her, made my daughters' life hell for a while, she even considered switching colleges.
How do I get her to understand that shutting out those you love is not the mature thing to do. I could maybe understand if she took a day or two to sort through any hurt feelings from my questions, but this has been going on for weeks now. She will still call us to ask for help with her car or other details but that only meets her needs and does nothing to replace the love she is withholding from us.
What am I missing here? How do i regain my daughter's love? Is there something about "coming out" that should change my daughter into this mean person we see now?
Denise's thoughts: I think a little honest talking and a little letting go may work. Tell her that you don't appreciate being treated so meanly when you are doing your best. Say it strongly and say it just once. Then let it go. Go on doing what you do, saying I love you at the end of your conversations, etc. and accept that she may or may not do it back, be okay with it and don't say any more.
She'll work this out with the love and understanding you have given her as a foundation, but she has to work it out. Love her by stepping back and not putting your relationship with her in the mix of things she needs to figure out right now.
Asking our parenting community: Please share your kind thoughts, and advice in the comments area. PS. This isn't a political post to go on and on about your views on gay marriage or rant against these parents. All of these types of comments will be deleted.
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At the parents’ college orientation for my daughter two years ago we were told that kids at school need space to try new things and learn about themselves, and don’t be surprised if you don’t recognize them by Thanksgiving break, freshman year! Their advice was just love and support them and don’t worry, let them figure out who they are. College or no college, this is an age when kids have to make it without their parents and sometimes they push parents away just to make room for themselves, and to feel that they own their own decisions. I agree with the advice given here, stay your course and don’t react to your daughter’s attempts to block you out – she’ll learn it doesn’t work with you. It’s extremely difficult to know what to say or do to counsel a child who is homosexual because you may not understand it and haven’t lived it. You still feel responsible for preparing your child for an emotionally and physically healthy life – you don’t want to see them on the front line of any battle grounds – but you just don’t have any experiences to draw on that can help. My only advice to other parents, coming from our experience, is refer only to issues that would pertain to relationships of any type – in terms of how long it takes to trust and love anyone (same sex or not), and whether or not another person helps you grow and enjoy life, or hurts you. A couple of the girls in our daughter’s life have been in and out quickly because they were emotionally unstable and conflicted about their choices. She is seeing someone now who seems to be healthy, and happy about who she is and what she wants out of life. That’s the best you can hope for. Good luck and don’t worry, your daughter will be back.
I agree with the wise words from Denise and Magee. Let your daughter know that you will always love her and don’t try to micromanage her behavior. When I think back to how awful I was to my mom at age 18 (and I wasn’t dealing with non-mainstream sexual orientation) I am so grateful she even speaks to me any more! But by the time I was 22 years old she was again my confidante and close friend.
I think that you are a great mom and that your daughter is very lucky to have you. She’s probably going through some things that makes her act that she does now but hopefully, it’s temporary. You know your daughter best but you can’t always please her. You shouldn’t have to. She should realize how lucky she is to have you. But still, keep communication lines open or maybe, if it’s gonna work, be a bit more firm and disciplinary.
Best of luck to your relationship!
I empathize with you. My daughter’s first “love” in high school was with a girl. I think that part of the reason your daughter can’t answer your question of “what do want from us” is because SHE doesn’t even know what she wants. My daughter’s girlfriend of 3 years was a negative influence and I tried to bring that to her attention many times until I realized that the more I insisted on making my opinion known the farther away I was pushing my girl. I finally, and very reluctantly, backed off. I realized that the only way for me to have a relationship with her at all was to allow it to be on HER terms completely.
I quit making judgments, quit voicing my opinion, and quit expressing my sadness that she and I weren’t as close as we once had been. Once I had mastered that, it wasn’t long before she broke up with her girlfriend and has since confided in me that her girlfriend was self-centered and jealous of the close relationship my daughter, my sons and I had. I made no comment… just acknowledged it.
After some time had passed I dared to invite her over for dinner. I made her favorite dish and kept it simple… no expectations… just conversation and laughs. She now comes over every week for the same and easily reciprocates to my “I love you’s”.
Keep in mind that a few weeks in the life of a young adult is nothing. Give her some time and have faith. I know it’s hard, but it’s the only way. Good luck!!!
Many times a child will “stiff-arm” a parent – keep them at a distant for fear that they will not approve of their actions. It is typical for teens who are coming out. The coming out process varies from individual to individual but research shows there too be 6 typical phases. 1. Identity confusion. 2. Identity comparison. 3. Identity tolerance. 4 Identity Acceptance. 5.Identity Pride and 6. Identity Synthesis. In stage 3 and 4 individuals will gravitate toward similar people (other lesbian and gays). This often results in squeezing non-gay and non lesbians out. But that is only temporary – it is all part of the process. You can read about this more in most books regarding this topic. A wonderful book is ‘Now that you Know” also a wonderful film is ‘Anyone and Everyone’. Lots of supportive information out there. The main thing is to let them know you love them and it is obvious that they are wanting some space – set your expectations clearly – that is space is okay as long as it is safe. You are doing a great job – many people wish they had supportive loving parents. I applaud you. Give her time – she will come around. Remember stage 6 is all about realizing that coming out is not an ‘us versus them’ scenario. take care
This is clearly a painful time for all of you. I would urge you to contact PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays), a national organization with chapters all over the country. You will find supportive folks with all kinds of different experiences. Keep loving your daughter even in the “mean” time.
Dr Engelland
There’s a lot of good advice here. The fundamental consistency is to give the kids space. From the teens through the early 20’s it’s about finding their own path.
As parents, the best thing is to just be there for them. Offer advise only when solicited. Refrain from judgment and commentary as much as possible.
Love them unconditionally and make that part of every interaction you have with them. Make it implied, though, as opposed to telling them over and over, “We love you unconditionally.” When you do tell them you love them, don’t do the autopilot “love you” that we often fall into saying. It can seem like an offhand afterthought. Do it with focus and a conscious effort to make that moment the only thing happening in the world. But don’t get to intense or sappy.
My son will be 13 in about a month and if I get to carried away with it I get the standard, “Dad! You’re embarrassing me. Stop.” Save the sap for the occasional special time. And preferably when you’re alone with them so their friends won’t see.
My daughter is 19 and just had her first relationship – with a girl – last year. It has been very helpful and reassuring to read these comments and initial question because I am experiencing so much of the same issues! She has also grown distant from us and her sisters and spends most of her time with friends. She chose not to return to college this term and, instead, bought an airline ticket (with her own money earned) and went to Thailand with a friend for 7 weeks, all with telling us very little and not asking for advice. I do think she is needing to “break away” and this really exemplified her need to do so. We are here for her, and waiting for when she returns and decides about school, etc. I feel like I’ve been on a roller coaster with her, but it’s helpful to think of it as a stage and she will appreciate and show her love once she is in that place. Thanks, all, for sharing.
I think you said it well Denise!
I am crying like a baby reading this. My 22 yo came out 2 years ago. My first born, sweet beautiful, smart girl has turned into the meanest stranger. She also has some legal trouble. Alcohol and a “battery” charge against her now girlfriend. Her life is spinning out of control. I have backed off for almost two years now. The only time we talk is when I call her. She is sad all the time, probably going to jail, I am sad ALL the time. I want so much to fix this. I want my daughter back. The gay thing is not an issue with me. Should I try to help her and how?
Dear parents,
I can fully understand your concern. Please understand the facts mentioned below.
1. Your love for your child[daughter] is not the same as the daughter’s love for you. The child comes before you -small, innocent, helpless, depending on you for love and help to live. Now she is grown up and takes her decisions. Look to these facts.
2.Any amount of your longing will only make her more desperate to be left alone. She needs your support not sympathies and definitely not your advise.
3. Accept her the way she behaves and hold on she needs to make a full circle. The life moves in circles. Until the circle is complete how can you churn the nectar out of it.
4. Take care of yourself. Luckily you are two together. Stick on to your partner who wants you and needs your love. Your bonding will make others to stick on to you. If you loose bonding for yourself nobody needs you when you yourself are seeking somebody’s help for getting bonded.
Take care.
With lots of support and love.
Dr.Rajendra Kumar
I concur with all of the messages here, but wanted to add that expressing your love and support in a letter would allow her space to accept it. With maturity she may be able to reciprocate but for now, sending emails, texts and letters will remind her she is loved and allow her the opportunity to respond when she is ready.
I think you are a great mom to still and try to work at your relationship and accepting how she is. My parents and family don’t accept my choice and they chose to alienate me. I will give anything to have a family whom will support me and my choices and not judge me.
When my children were about the same age, perhaps 7 and ten or round about – my neighbour’s son (who I didn’t really know, although I knew is mom) came out to my children. He was in his late twenties, the children were amongst the first he spoke to. They were fine with it, and I think a little honoured by him sharing with them. I think he chose them, because children do not make judgemnts and are easy to test out what it feels like to tell someone. Your duaghter got angry with you because you questioned her choice to tell the children. It was her choice, the children’s parents may not have approved (or even freaked out and if you are honest with yourself, that may have been half the reason you got into an arguement with her) but sometimes the decisions young people make about this kind of sharing is the right decision and good for the family despite our (controlling) fears