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Teen Runaways: What Can a Parent Do?

By January 26, 2010

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A mom asks for help: "I hope I can find some answers here. I am at my wits end with my teen daughter. She ran away for the second time just before this last Christmas. Before you ask she is 17 will be 18 next month and the state of MI says she is and adult so can't force her to come home. My daughter is a really great kid in many ways. But, she develops very unhealthy attachments to people and when this happens she throws her family away over them. She ran away this last time over me trying to enforce house rules by taking her cell phone. She left in the middle of the night just before Christmas. I had already spent all night in the emergency room with her one year old brother. I don't understand why she runs away. I am a very good parent to her and I am very loving. It concerns me that she runs away from home over very stupid things and to make things worse, she constantly lies about me and her home life. She tells people that I use her as a slave and that she raises my baby while I lay in bed all day playing video games. I am so angry with all the lies and the running away that I don't even know that I want her to come home. I feel like a bad parent for thinking such things but I don't know how to get past the hurt and anger when she continues to do it. Also, on her way out the door she stole many items including Christmas presents for other people and a large chunk of money in the thousands. I don't know what to do with her. I don't want her to think I stopped loving her because I didn't. But I don't want her to come home thinking that she can do something like this again. I need her to take responsibility for what she did and truly be sorry. I need her to tell the people the truth. I need her to respect me and see that I am the person who will love her more than anyone else in the world. How do I get any of this when she is too busy living it up at a friend's house with people who buy into her lies? Should I just let her go? I don't know what to do here. Please help."

Asking our Community of Parents Has your teen run away? What would you do if they did? Please share your experiences, opinions and advice in the comments area.

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Comments
January 23, 2009 at 8:40 am
(1) Maryanne says:

This is one the biggest fear of a parent.Where does your daughter go?
Have you tried cousnelling for you and your daughter. If not your daughter than you because you will need the support.If she is staying at a friends and the parents are reliable I don’t think there is much you can do. When she is out of the house make sure no financial support will be coming from you. At 18 she can be on her own.

January 23, 2009 at 9:10 am
(2) Samsara says:

Sounds like time for tough love….that is a hard one, but a good one. Time to let her fall on her face, because with or without you that is what she is probably headed for. Then, go pick her up…dust her off, tell her you love her and want to help her find out what she can do to take care of her problem.

Please note….”help her find out what she can do to take care of her problem”, not what you can do to take care of it. And you must also realize there may be nothing you can do at all…at any point in time. She may have to learn the hard lessons on her own….some kids are just like that. If you are a praying women….just keep prayer, and if you are not….you might want to give it a try. I’ve found that it helps…both parties.

You are going in a good direction asking for help and trying to learn all you can about what is going on. It will help, if not in the short term….in the long term.

Good luck….may peace of mind and heart be with you.

September 12, 2011 at 11:00 am
(3) meethu says:

I completely agree with you, I am a 16 year old myself, and I honestly have thought about runnign away a few times, but I have never actually attempted it. Teenagers, tend to think they know whats best for themselves and they wont listen to anythign you have to say (I dind’t) they have to learn from their mistakes, so let her fall flat on her face, then dust her off just like samsara said, but as a mother you are still responsible for making sure she doesnt make any HUGE mistakes that could ruin her whole life. There is a difference between tough love and abandonment. And once you get her back, make two things very clear: that you love her and that in your house she plays by your rules.

January 23, 2009 at 9:57 am
(4) John Crane says:

Good Morning, First I have been there with my daugthter who is now 29 married and has a 1 year old daughter herself.

First donot put yourself down or get depressed about your parenting. Our young people start seperating from us and some of them choose a path that can hurt like definiance for the rules in your house, or thinking they are old enough to call the shots and to take care of themselves.
My daughter turned 18 her seniour year of High School and decided that she could handle life on her own. She was an Honor roll student and was very active in school. She had already ran away from home before turning 18. She decided to drop out of school and leave home, although it was hard to let her go,our love for her was unconditional. She came back home after about a month and told us that we were right and so I told her that if she wanted to live in our house she would need to get a job, and finish high school. She did both. She left home again at 19 after marrying an abusive man, it lasted 1 year. To make a long story short my daughter at 22 ended up in a women shelter with nothing, this changed her life and guess who she called, Mom and Dad. Today she is doing well and is a very good mother and has a very loving husband.
Although it is hard sometimes the best thing to do is let go, tell her if she wants to live in your house there are rules, if she chooses not to let her grow up and experience life. I know you love your daughter and it hurts to have her tell lies and to not want you, but things do change. I am a christian and God’s word promised Train up a child in the way taht they should go and when they are old they will not depart from it. God never said that they would not take a turn or two away from the training but it dose promise that they will not depart from it.
Praying for you and ykour daughter.

john Crane Wichita, Kansas

September 25, 2011 at 1:23 am
(5) karenphillips says:

Our 18 year old daughter dropped out of high school and has ran away for the 4th time. She left last week and we found her living in a home with people that are not a good influence. We also have a 12 yr old and 7 yr. old daughter. My 18 yr old’s behavior is destroying our family. She repeately lies to us and outsiders about us. I cannot even digest the fact that “our daughter” who we have invested our life into could just run off and not associate with her family. We are praying for a miracle each day. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

October 22, 2011 at 7:58 pm
(6) mary says:

This could be our story, we have an 18 year old daughter destroying our life and our beautiful family. She was a good girl until she met one girl at school that lead her in the wrong direction, now that friend is out of the picture my daughter has dropped out of university, quit her job and has not spoken to us for about one year. My husband and I are so devasted, we have never had a bad word in our thirty years of marriage and she is causing us so much distress in every way she can. I am not well have had back surgery so this is not helping. I would love to see her move out just to see what she has at home. We even bought her a car and tried to give her every opportunity that we never had. I speak to many parents and they are all having similar problems some even worse. It has helped to vent my steam and to read some of these comments to know that we are not alone. What is wrong with this current generation, is it because teachers and parents are not allowed to smack, or raise our voice, they have so many rights, the govt gives them money when they leave home etc. Regards to you all Mary.

January 23, 2009 at 10:40 am
(7) Ceceilia Jones says:

I work with Youth both in church and my community. This is a very difficult age but as a parent who had two teenagers at the same time, your discipline begins had a very early age. If by some chance that was missed, you must learn how to give tough love. Love that is loving and kind yet will firm. What about the place where she is staying? Are there parents there? There is definitely a part of this puzzle piece that is missing! Try family counseling.

January 23, 2009 at 10:50 am
(8) Lisa says:

Our daughter, adopted at 12, started running away at 13. It would happen whenever she got mad about either rules we had or something that had happened. Her natural response to being overwhelmed was to run. We had her in weekly individual & family counseling. We finally admitted her to residential where she stayed about a year. Six weeks after getting out, she ran again just before Thanksgiving 2008. Since she’s 17 she’s considered an adult and is able to make her own decisions.

She landed in jail for shoplifting, told everyone she was pregnant (false!) and on Xmas went to live with her birthmom instead of seeing us. It’s very hard to accept the decisions they make. Whenever she calls, I usually end up cutting the call short because I need to cry. I have gotten involved in several other activities and my husband and I talk occasionally about how we feel about the situation. We’re going to see a therapist experienced in adoption and teens and I expect that to help.

I keep reminding myself that teenagers are learning and wanting to take care of themselves. We’ve asked her to call us every Saturday between certain hours so that we will know she is safe. If she does this, we are willing to give her prepaid minutes for her phone. I would suggest focusing on what you need to make yourself feel better about the situation.

September 23, 2011 at 4:14 pm
(9) k says:

We are going through this right now. We adopted our daughter at 9 and she started running at 12. She is 16 now and runs as soon as we find her. She has been to a group home and lasted only 3 months because of her combative attitude. Her insurance wont pay for anymore inpatient mental health care. She is dangerous at home so we had to put in a survailance system for the protection of the other children. She is on the run right now and the police in our town have her number and really have quit caring! It is so frustrating . No real help out there. We love her and hope she hits bottom soon and can come home. She also has contacted her bioparents. She has had counseling from the time she set foot in our house. It really has never helped her she laughs at people when they are in pain and loves to inflict it on others. Or make up lies in order to ruin the persons life. We tried to get her long term mental health care but nobody wants to take her once they find out she gets physical . She will soon be 17 also and I am even more upset that she will not have any help then.

January 23, 2009 at 1:13 pm
(10) Maria says:

I’m from Spain (Europe) and I usually read this Parenting webpage, which I find very interesting and help me a lot. I hope you understand everything I write in English, despite the mistakes. I have two daughters, and one of them is 17 (almost 18). In Spain, as in the rest of Europe, up to 18 years old your kid is an adult and is able to take his/her own decisions, but the problems are very similar as in your country. Although your daughter is old enough to take her own decisions, from my point of view, she is going too far by stealing present, taking money and lying. I’m sure you’re a good mother and it’s totally normal that you don’t want her to come home, because of the many problems that her stay home involves, but despite this feelings remember you love her and you are a good mother. I’m sure she will come back, but in my opinion it’s the time to let the things clear. If she is going to live with you there are some rules and responsibilities, and she is not able to go when she wants at any time she wants, without knowing when she will come back again. It’s time to tell her that you love her forever but you have to do the best for her as well. Try to use the “I” message, not the “you” message. The “I” message is speak about how you and the whole family feel, not about how she misbehaves. How hurt you are when she lies about the family. How concern you are about this lack of respect. How sad and worried you are about her attitudes and behaviour and how can this unhealthy attachments and bad behaviour affect you, your family and most important can affect her whole future life. Try to make a deal with her going to a counsellor together and even better with all the family. Your are right, taking the right decision when you make clear from the beginning that she takes the responsibility for what she did, does or will do; so the rules are and so the life is. From now on the things are going to change for her own benefit and if she doesn’t want to go on this new situation, it’s time for her to follow her own life, take her life in her hands, not in your hands, looking for a job and earning her own money. This is a tough time for you but it’s important to stay firm. I wish you the best in this worthy fight.

January 23, 2009 at 2:25 pm
(11) Ann says:

I’m sure you are a great mother. You have a 1 year old that needs to have your full attention. Your daughter is now an adult and with counseling for youreslf and any other family memembers your household is your first priority. She has lied, stolen and broken rules without concern for anyone other than herself. You have to do what is best for your minor children. she is an adult and allow her to grow into the person her choices will create. Love her and tell her you love her; but keep her out of your house and wallet. Give her loving arms to hold her and an ear to hear her cry when she does. But do not allow her back into your home. She has crossed the threshold of adulthood and will have to live with the results of her choices. Focus your attention on your minor children and get counseling to help you love your adult child from a distance. Be encouraged and brave.

November 29, 2011 at 4:08 am
(12) frank says:

Ann I am with you. As much as i love my son I got 3 more kids at home which I have custody of. I have just found out that my 17 year old is in jail for terroristic threats, criminal mischief, and burglary. As much as it hurts I am going to leave him there. I stayed single for them and have gone to college to give them a better life. Went unnapreciated. Tough Love I pray to God that it knocks some sense into him. Am I doing the right thing?I love him to death He was my first born I would do anything to trade places with him. State of Texas didn’t do much when he ran away last year. He already has a young girl pregnant. Mother is of no help. I believe I am doing the right thing What do you think?I am struggling with cancer and skitsophrenia and bypolar disorder. What is left to do?

January 23, 2009 at 5:25 pm
(13) Kelly says:

It’s not about you and your parenting at all. It’s hard to look at it in a different way, but it’s not about you. You need to let her go and let her know that if she wants to live in the house these are the rules that she needs to follow. If she doesn’t, there’s the door. It’s time for her to grow up.
I had to do that with my brother and he did leave and called me. He’s now in the Army. Focus on your son. Let your daughter leave, tell her you love her and welcome her back when she is ready to follow the rules, daily! It’s hard to do, but she is letting you know that she doesn’t want to be there. You can also change the locks. Remember it’s not about you. It’ll take her a long time to turn around and you will be there when she does, but she has to do this. Take courage, be brave and you are a great parent, no matter what. It’s not about you. It’s her.

January 24, 2009 at 2:45 am
(14) Kellie says:

Next time, lock the door. Sounds to me like she’s playing a head game with you and is trying to make you feel guilty for giving consequences, so let her have consequences. Running in and out of your home is inexcusable. Our son did the same and after the last time of being locked out, he finally realized we weren’t going to play his game anymore: it stopped. But he had to spend a few days elsewhere to figure it out and to grow up.

January 24, 2009 at 10:31 am
(15) Marion says:

My daughter had a very good friend that ran away alot!!!! One day when the friend ran away, she called my daughter discussing her plans. I knew her mother was frantic and very worried about her daughters safety. I asked my daughter that the next time they spoke “just to call her mom and let her know she was safe” nothing else. No promises to return home, no promises to talk…..nothing but a call that she was well. I come to find out she did in fact call her parents,and a day later she returned home.
To make a long story short, this runaway episode happened to us as well. Worried and frantic….I was so comforted that my daughter too called me daily telling me she was safe remembering her friend’s situation, and when she finally realized others had work/school a life, she came home and has never left home again.
I guess what worked best is that I knew she was “alive” when she called daily however, she knew she was loved and could continue daily contact, and when she came to her senses she knew she would be welcomed home with loving arms.
I’m not a teenager who ran away from home. Most of the time I believe it’s issues the teen has with the parent that need to be resolved. I’m not a perfect parent, but one who loves and gives independence when needed. Good luck to you and your daughter and TALK.

Just a side note: My daughter shared with me that the reason she ran away, was because of a punishment I gave to her that she felt was too harsh and unjust. We have since talked about her punishments and I have realized as a parent that I too have made mistakes. We learn so much from one another…don’t we?????

January 24, 2009 at 12:31 pm
(16) mominohio says:

You never mentioned her Dad. What is his position in this or is there a step-parent. Our situation is that my Ex is a non-participating father and there is a step-father involved since she was 11, she is not 18 and a Senior. She proudfully announced to us that at 18 she was an adult and I had no control over the what, where, who and onward.
Last week in minus degree weather she got herself worked up (she has PSTD) and ran out the back doors into the rural area. Within minutes I called the police in fear of hypothermia or worse. We located her in minutes in the back 1/4 sitting in the snow by a tree. Thank the Lord! She told us there was a young man heading towards our home who she was going to go stay at his house as she was fed up of living here. Our response – you go, then you are not welcomed back period. Our plan was to sit it out and if she did return broken by the experience – to allow her back into her loving home with the laws laid down. That was not made to her. She did not leave as she knew I was firm. She hated me calling the police for her safety but this was a possibly deadly situation for her and in the end showed her that we do love her that much to call them. Tonight she is going out to the mall on a date – she knows to be home at our agreed hour and she knows that I will be up waiting. Cell phones need to be engaged and yes, this is her home but no matter what age – she is and will always be – my daughter before all else or any relationship with anyone. Boys will come and go as will her experiences with her own life but I will remain steadfast unconditionally to protect her and love her always.

The is not the first time things have happened in her life that have complicated her path, and it has taken its toll on us as a family, me and my husband as a couple and the relationship I hold with my daughter and our business. But today is another day and yesterday was just that.

Kids today live in a world of pressures that are not the same pressures we had in our youth and if anyone I fault it is our generation for being too busy, too stressed and too many family breakups and break downs to give these kids a stronger level of stability that most of us had in our youth 30 years ago.

We need to teach the values of being gentlemen and ladies to our youth. I have seen many young men cross our threshold and I have yet to see more than a few that I can say – what a fine young man. And many of our young ladies have no clue what attributes set a lady apart from some that I see hanging outside the mall wondering why they have not gotten pneumonia yet.

We need to start being parents and start being participants rather than observers in our children’s lives regardless of what age they are.

June 26, 2011 at 11:11 pm
(17) lost mum says:

I am a mother of 5, my eldest who is 17 turning 18 in several months ran away from home a few weeks ago in the still of night. The day before she ran away i had told her off because i found out that she had spent a night with her boyfriend when she was supposed to be with family. My partner who is a step parent confiscated her phone and laptop. Things were fine, as normal that day and the next morning she was gone. I called the police immediately worried and stressing over her safety and i tried calling my mum to let her know what happened. Only to find out that my dad paid her ticket to go to them. His intentions were to fly her to them without letting me know. I am so heartbroken, i have cut myself off from all family members because i feel that no one has supported me as a parent and because everyone has believed all her lies. My friends keep telling me that one day she will realize that she needs her mother, but i doubt that very much. What child goes around calling her mother a fukn bitch and even posting it on facebook. I am sooo lost and confused. I am a very good mother, my children always come first. My partner has been a father figure in her life for 10yrs and he has never mistreated her in anyway. I am trying to be strong for my 4 little ones, but everytime i walk past her room i start to cry and my little ones are there trying to comfort me. I feel so depressed.

July 3, 2011 at 9:33 am
(18) Patti says:

You are not a bad mom. Her poor choices does not make you a bad mom. With regards to what your parents did, thank goodness she is with family and not strangers.
If you live your lifec with integrity, her lies will come to light. I know it is painful, my 18-year-old left a month ago After two months of drama. He has bipolar disorder. My brother took my son and my son’s girlfriend in with the hope they would at least finish high school, and when the teenagers found out they still had rules to abide by, they ended up leaving And had her dad pick them up. Now he is living with her family, he left everything he owned at my brother’s house which is an hour away, including his mEdications for his bipolar disordER.

The way I am looking at it is he made his choices and now he has to live with them.
Good luck to you, I hope evertHing works out for you. You are not a bad mother just because your child chose this path.
Take care of yourself.
Best regards,
Pqtti

November 1, 2011 at 5:26 am
(19) mary says:

I am sure you are a brilliant mother, I know first hand the hurt you feel, especially when they put things on facebook for everyone to see, all your private business. I hope these teenagers grow up quickly and realise the hurt they cause. Last week our daughter when out in the cold, dressed sp provocatively waiting to catch a train in the middle of the night, she posted the photos of herself and her friends on facebook. She knows we worry, we pray that no harm comes to her and that she gets home safely. We fear she could be attacked or worse raped at that hour. She has a car but takes public transport so she can drink with her friends. My husband and I dont drink, so we cant understand why she drinks. We fear a knock on the door every night, from the police telling us, they are sorry to inform us………….. that your daught wont be coming home tonight. She is so fearless, when we tell her it is dangerous to be out so late at night, she tells us we worry too much. One day we took her to the police station to have a chat with a policewoman, and all she told us was that she did the same thing to her parents, they were no help at all. We do alot of praying, alot of crying. We used to be such a loving family, why do these kids put us through such heartache. Life is so short I feel it is passing us bye and she is wasting so much of it. My husband keeps telling me to just hang in there it will all sort itself out. Praying for you all. Mary.

November 27, 2011 at 8:38 pm
(20) Mominsc says:

This sounds just like what happened to us. My sister in law and mother in law sent an eticket to our daughter without as much as a word to let us know. Our daughter has had trouble since she was 12 with lies. I have three sons who are totally devastated along with my husband and I that she would just leave. I know they paid for her to come…however, I have no idea where she is living. I am totally devastated over her leaving. She is 18, so legally there is nothing I can do. It feels like I am torn apart. I miss her terribly, and cry about her not being here with us often. She has been gone a month and I cant stand the thought that she hasnt even tried to contact her brothers.
I pray for her safety daily, and I miss her soo much.

January 24, 2009 at 12:42 pm
(21) mominohio says:

P.S to above:

We found out that she is looking for love in all the wrong places..as she feels abandoned and confused by her lack of relationship with her Bio-Dad. She has been in counselling more years that I want to recall that has yet to helped. She is an honors level student and at 18 and a Senior is also taking courses at a college level full time. She too is swayed by relationships that only fill that void left by her Dad on a short term level. We ride the storm every time and slowly she is learning but very much the hard way.

I wish you the best – but look for the root, the catalyst and not just deal with the situation as we found out.

January 24, 2009 at 1:19 pm
(22) Jeannie says:

I too have a runaway teen. He’s 17 (18 next month) and has struggled with drug addiction (marijuana)for 1+ year/s. He ran away last nite after we found out he’s smalltime dealing drugs (now pills like E, prescription)and confronted him about it. Lately any confrontation involves explosive anger from him including threats to hit me and of course he says he hates me. He’s been in drug counseling recovery for 7 months and is testing clean now. The hardest thing for us is a parent is letting them live and fall down and not trying to save them from themselves. I feel like a failure as a parent and it’s hard to talk about it with parents that aren’t having the same problems, so this site helps. Counseling helps, like the 3 C’s, you didn’t CAUSE it, you can’t CURE it and you can’t CONTROL it (him). I just pray and try to tell him I love him (it’s hard sometimes) and hope someday he comes thru this and lets us back in his lives. He was an intelligent funny and loving person once.

January 24, 2009 at 8:07 pm
(23) Cassy says:

I agree with most of what people have said but i am just wondering if there is more going on with your daughter that might need looking at. You mentioned that you have a one year old that you were caring for in hospital. It maybe that she is feeling lost and forgotten and a touch of jealous is at play. Shes acting out in a bad way to get peoples attention. Children crave attention irrelevant if it being bad or good.

Shes also at that stage she wants her independence but still struggling to find her place in it. Hence she may feel the need to lie to fit in and get the sympathy and attention from her family.

I would strongly suggest counselling to unearth what is going on with her.
Even if it is counselling on her own so she can feel she can talk about it all and the counsellor can help her work through her issues.

These are her issues but unfortunately you will have to deal with the effects it has on your family and yourself.

Take care and let us know how everything is going.

January 25, 2009 at 4:38 pm
(24) anotherrunaway says:

Our son is also running away. He calls it moving out. We explained that having no money, no job, no clothes and no belongings means you are running away. The lying about us is also happening. And unhealthy attachments. Our son has 2 very bad influences – 1 a girlfriend who psychologists feel is psychotic. She went through a trauma and behaves extremely disrespectfully to anyone who tries to keep them apart (and that is how our mess started – we were trying to take him out job hunting when she demanded to spend the afternoon with him). The other bad friend is a college kid who is sheltering our son, meanwhile sending us threatening tm’s etc. I found some info online. I called the Dean at his college about the tm’s. Put out a Missing Person’s Report on our son, etc. Our son threw away his college education with a only a few days left to finish his quarter (because the girlfriend was jealous of him liking another girl at college). He now is trying to get a job flipping burgers and thinks this will make a living for him. I read several things, the one that struck the most was trying to give negative incentive to the person sheltering our son. Make it difficult for them – and don’t be afraid to tell other parents the truth – and that you are aware of the lies being told about you which you aren’t happy about. Knowledge is power. We even used myspace to see where our son is and whom he is communicating, although I’d never used myspace in my life. We are still waiting to see if he’ll return, but we know where he is. Hope it turns out good for you. Having a plan ready for when she returns is a good idea. It will give you a sense of control over the future. Definitely when these kids are making unhealthy friendships, it can have a huge impact. Sorry you’re going through the same and at the same time.

January 26, 2009 at 7:22 pm
(25) MominOhio says:

Question to Anotherrunaway-

Sweetie – have you spoken to the girls parents at all? Explaining the situation without laying blame to their daughter but more encouraging what I call “smart sense”. Being a mother of a daughter, if a young man’s parents came to me in person and sat down stating that these kids maybe playing russian roulette as with him only flipping burgers, and no stable income, education – future and most probably having some sort of intimate relations..what if she became in a motherly way..what then? Love is grand..but lets be real. Sure they can often get romantic in the moment but a crying 2 month old needing feeding, changing,financially supporting and all else as we Mom’s know is a huge responsibility and can definitely interupt one’s party schedule..can’t it?

Did you talk to your local police about maybe getting some background on this kid with the TM’s and see if he has a record or has been in trouble. You would be surprised in situations like this where a little bit of understanding can go a long way with our Men in Blue.

Just a thought -
Wish you the best..I thought it would get easier as they grew up..was I wrong!

January 27, 2009 at 7:26 am
(26) podunk246 says:

I too have a son (16) that just left home. I have tried to have phone contact with him, but he just tells me not to call him and leave him alone, and hangs up on me. He got mad because I hollered at him for going somewhere he shouldn’t have gone. Says he is sick of the hollering and went to a freinds house. Thought after a few days, he would calm down and come home. Now I don’t know what to do, or where to turn. He truly sounds like he is not coming back. No, he doesn’t have a job, but at this point, I don’t think he cares or thinks about next week. I’m sorry I can’t give advice about your daughter, I am just trying to find people to talk to about this myself. As of right now he still has “his” truck, which isn’t his. I thought taking it would just compound the anger. Now I’m thinking I should go get it. I am not giving him any money, so the family he is staying with probably is, and I hate that for them. Please , this is so new to me …other than some mouthiness , we have never had a problem with him. I am at my wits end.

February 10, 2011 at 2:08 pm
(27) sad mom says:

I have the same problem with “her” car. It’s my car that I let her use because her dad and her were having screaming matches while driving in his car. He made bad threats.

If she doesn’t have a car, she catches rides with god knows who and where. If the driver says let’s go 60 miles to a bad city, she’s stuck in the car.

It may be different with boys.

My daughter also stayed with other families. I did give them money for her room and board.

The teen culture is pretty mean and deviant. Also confusing.

Our society is pretty messed up too.

I think it’s hard for them anyway because of brain changes, add all the craziness on top …it’s not like working on a farm or something that makes sense.

I think it hurts them too to leave and let you down. My daughter is probably running away from my disapproval.

January 27, 2009 at 8:11 am
(28) Christy says:

I can realate to each of the above posts. I too have a 16 year old daugther who has ran away twice in the past month. Every time she is told no or asked to do something she says she hates me and off she goes. I also have a 12 year old daughter in the house who is watching all this behavior going on and I am afraid she will see how easy it is to get over on me. I am a military wife with a deployed husband overseas. My daughter runs to a friends house where they are able to do whatever they want with little or no supervision. This single mom at the house she runs too is NO support to my family. I can’t even get this woman on the phone. She makes it so easy for my daughter. Two weekends in a row I have NO idea where my daughter is or who she is with. I have gone back and forth from begging her to come home to throwing my arms up and saying forget it. When she does come back, in no time it starts all over again. BUT- at 16 I am legally responsible for her behaviors out of my house and I feel I haven’t gone this far with her, for her to throw everything we have provided for her because she refuses to follow the rules. I fear she’ll get into some type of trouble she can’t get herself out of and it’ll be a lifetime conquence. Like some of the other parents here, she also lies about me, possibly doing drugs, is abusive to her sister, steals odds and ends from the home. If I have her picked up, THEN, I am the one who has to pay the legal bills. Then, I fear she’ll end up worse. Like I said I am military. I have no family, no friends to turn to, and I am so alone with everything. We have been to counseling where my daughter just laughs and makes fun of the doctor on the hour trip home. I have tried to get counseling elsewhere but that isn’t as easy as it sounds. Not many Doctors take teenagers here where I live. THey claim they won’t participate and have stopped taking them as patients. I will go to the end of the earth for my daughter but I am like everyone else here. I don’t know where to turn or what do anymore.

January 28, 2009 at 2:06 am
(29) Sheila says:

Blessings and prayers to all of you! Wow, we can relate as we have one 17 (18 in 5-6 weeks) and in August she said she was leaving this blankety blank house ss she hated it…… This was result of her having her cell phone taken away as we found out night before she had been smoking marijuana and involved in other unacceptable behavior. My husband followed her to where we thought she would be going and we later went to the home and took the car we had given her to use. Well after 103 days she came home due to losing her home/homes and getting caught with drug parafenalia at school. It is better, but now we are suspicious as we foung niacin (used to mess up a drug test) in her purse. Also she is struggling in school and tonight says she has no phone (due to failing class) and no car so why should she even get her degree or go to school/obey our rules. Wow, this is truly the hardest joy we will ever have, but Jesus has a plan and we need to stand and not give up. There are no promises that our kids will choose the right path, but we cannot give into satan as his plan is to kill, steal and destroy us. So please know you all are not alone on this journey and this has given me strength and hope just to read and know we are not “alone”. One bit of great help we received when our girl left was to call the 700 club (1-800-family) and they gave us tough love advice and prayed for us on the phone. They have counselors on during the day and they are wonderful! I beleive they prayer help may be 24 hours. Blessings and prayers to all of you!! Hang in there and have hope that we will all get through these years as my parents went through a lot with and for me.

January 28, 2009 at 2:16 am
(30) Mominohio says:

Dearest podunk246:

In my state – If the daugher was driving a vehicle in our name, on our insurance – We are totally responsible along with her if she was to hit,mame or severely injure someone. As we have had issues with her lack of responsible thinking and impulsiveness due to PTSD – at almost 19, she does not drive and does not hold a driver’s license outside of a temp permit.
The truck you speak of – what is your liability?
Perhaps your thinking is right on the mark. Obviously if you do not have knowledge of his day to day movements, you do not have control of what you also maybe liable for. Nothing is to say letting a friend borrow the vehicle is not out of the question. If that was me, I would be there faster than a bunny picking up and locking down the vehicle.
The unfortunate for all of us is that not all parents think alike when it comes to being responsible parents and there are some who care less about “harboring” anothers children.
The law here is that we are responsible for our kids actions until the age of majority (18)..and I in her younger years as a minor, have been very not nice to parents who have not supported the rules around my daughter that I have established to the point where friendships that could have been lethal to her safety were ended period and telling the unattending parents that if she is in your care with or without my permission – then I and perhaps the courts will hold you responsible Period.
One time I recall a friend sleepover, where the mother called me at just past 1 am asking if I knew where the girls where. Horrified since she was to be in control of the two that evening and 1am is way beyond my curfew staying home or at a friends – my response was an immediate ride to her home and a subtle – where is my child, you were in control so Where is MY CHILD?? The lemon heads response was that she and BF were at a party. He was more concerned than she and at one point made a definite glance to towards her of discontent. At around 3 -I finally was able to locate the two girls and found them joy riding with two boys. Trust me having to stand in someone elses home and discipline two girls in lieu of another parent and in their home was not a comfort zone for me.
I heard later there was some substance involved but I knew that already when I saw the two party goers. The friendship ended there and further when it tried up again with this “leave her kids and take off to Mexico for two weeks with Bf”..it was a very sad and bad time for us as this so called mother did not get it. Eventualy it got so bad, it ended up in a trip to the local JD and unruly charges. We placed a restraining order on their troubled daughter who thought she was going to “parent” our daugher and she later on ended up herself in JD and rehab. The local PD had tons of problems with that kid and I was damned to let her destroy our child.
My daughter eventually appreciated this Mom putting the brakes on it.

I am far from the perfect Mom and am sure that when my daughter has yelled – I hate you or your a B..there has been some truth to it. But she doesn’t smoke, had experimented once with substance, has yet to tell me she is pregnant..and is now doing college courses fulltime for her senior year at high school having had a 4.0 in Grade 11. In Grade 10 her grades were terrible due to that terrible times. Do I trust her..not a chance. She has lied more times than I want to recall but I do catch her and I do fume. And the older she gets, still living here..well there is no bending the rules. Our house, our rules or like anywhere out there..you bear the responsibility of your actions. There is no excuse for not being responsible and hopefully one day – when she becomes a “real adult” and not a newbee adult – she will remember the lessons I tried to show her.
Yes, there are some terrible moments with her still and yes, there are some wonderful moments too. But the fight never ends..although I wish it would. Struggling for independence in this world is hard for the too young to move out and too old to be babied age and we struggle constantly with it – but as a family.

February 19, 2009 at 3:45 pm
(31) anonomous says:

As a teen who has run away from home, all theese parents who are comforting each other acting as if this had nothing to do with your parenting that your child is just a wild child all on their own is wrong. This has 100% to do with you! or do you think the child does not learn from your example especially at an early age or that this profound language just magically appeared in front of you (because you “never” used these words, or set the kids in their place)and just so ya’ll know it is YOUR job to be the parent, guide them, and be apart of their lives!

July 9, 2009 at 10:28 am
(32) Katie says:

Sounds like she has a personality disorder. My neice has the same thing. When she loves you she loves you but as soon as something goes wrong she thinks you are the devil. And anyone who so much as smiles at her is her new best friend. This is difficult to say the least. There are no medications that can help. Counseling is the only option but it has to be intensive and if she is already 18 then there is little you can do if she doesn’t agree to it. I wish I had better advise but I can say that this isn’t your fault. The best parent in the world can have kids with these issues and brings a lot of heartache. You should look into support group for parents of kids with personality disorder. They can help you deal with your feelings.

July 19, 2009 at 6:55 pm
(33) Twice Bitten says:

I have 2 teen daughters. The oldest, 18 now, lives in Denver with her boyfriend and his family. My ex-husband allowed this when she moved to Denver at 17 because she could not follow house rules and began sneaking out at night. My youngest daughter, 16, left with her sister then because she didn’t agree with the house rules either, and has now returned.

We had an agreement on code of conduct for her return- what was expected and what was EXPECTED. She has violated the code the entire time she has been back. Most recently she was detained by county Sheriff’s and local agencies because she was with her “best friend” and that girl’s boyfriend, and they were selling drugs! My daughter, of course, says she doesn’t know anything about this.

She was in the car where the drugs were being sold. She saw the drugs and the people who came up to the car to buy the drugs. She even (admittedly) took some of the drugs herself.

The hard part now is that she has threatened to run away because I have told her that she is no longer allowed to hang out or sleep over with her best friend or have any contact with the people named in the bust. She acts as if I’m killing her to impose this punishment. I believe she may run away. She said she would. An even harder aspect to accept is her cavalier attitude about the whole event. She did not get arrested but her friends did. She is so worried about their welfare that anything I say is “gay and fucked up”. I almost wish she would run away so that she can get involved with the cops and figure out that maybe home isn’t such an evil place. The cops told my husband, her step-dad, that they were giving her a break. They should have given her a ticket for being under the influence of drugs, at least. She acts like she is the biggest, hottest thing to happen in our town. She got away with “murder” and “her parents and her best friend’s parents are just idiots”.

This behavior brings me to a conclusion: I believe that she and her best friend are suffering from “transference” in the sense that they don’t feel that they are getting what they need from their families. Their overwhelming attachment to each other and their other friends is out of control. They only see the world as against them and they have made poor choices to facilitate their “style” of life and “freedom”. They don’t have a sense of remorse or responsibility. This scares me. I have come to understand the why of what they are doing (I just can’t believe it) but, I don’t know what to do beyond grounding her, taking away privileges, and banning people from her contact. I love her. I lover her sister. I love my husband. This is very difficult. I feel like I am being worn down.

November 25, 2009 at 1:20 pm
(34) teen says:

As a teenager myself, I thought I could give some insight from another perspective. I am 19 now and left home shortly before my 17th birthday. It seems to me that everyone on here expects the worst of their child and is obsessed with prying into their childs privacy and its this kind of behaviour that encouraged me to leave from my parents house.

I am now at university (college), have a job and have done this completely on my own. I have not spoken with my parents since i left and do not plan to contact them in the future. Some kids mature faster than others and if you refuse to let them experience things on their own, continually violate their privacy (yes they too need and deserve privacy, they are people too. If you push them into telling you everything, they will only hide more from you regardless of whether or not they actually have things to hide.) or hide them away from the world, then you can expect that they might runaway from you.

If you force them back home, they will leave again. Let them come back in their own time (even if thats days, weeks, months or years). If your child has run away then chances are they feel that you have done something wrong by them and they are hurting you in retaliation. You cant force someone to be mature, they will learn in their own time with or without you but note that just because they have runaway doesnt mean they have to have you guidance to make something of themselves.

September 30, 2011 at 10:30 am
(35) Chasity says:

i totally agree..im 17 and i think that some parents should kind of fall back

October 8, 2011 at 10:31 am
(36) Sonia says:

Parents are responsible while you are figure things out.

October 28, 2011 at 2:49 am
(37) peyton says:

Agreed I left home at 16 got a job my friend left home at 17 I was 16 at the time we both got a job his grandfather cosigned our apartment lease and now Im 17 living on my own with my friend bewtween me and him we make 2,000$ a week with our jobs and welding. So yes more kids mature then other kids, And your “responsible” for what? Im not a drug addict or nor will I be one yes there responsible if I get fatally ill or get in a accident and I may need medical help, And you will say I will drag my kid home, You do that and you will put a criminal record on them stopping them from going to college and you will pay the legal bills so your kind of screwing yourself over if there not ready to leave they will come back home to you. But I didnt and im fine and the happiest I have ever been in my life.

December 11, 2009 at 3:29 pm
(38) vICKIE says:

I’m in a little position in this than some of you , I am the grandmother. My granddaughter has ran away 3 times in the last 1 1/2 years . She is now 17 like 2 weeks graduating and ran again just before Christmas. We found out she’s with a guy and his mother. This guy has a drug hx and his mother lets them do as they want. We have tried everything from talking to counceling. I am a christian and have prayed many a prayer for her. What if she gets hooked on drugs!! “What if” will drive you crazy and cause many a sleepness night.She doesn’t want to follow rules and has been raised better than that but it’s not showing. I watch my daughter go through such hard times it breaks my heart as well for her. I’m from the old school and feel when you have done all you can then it’s time to let go… That’s where we are at now and boy that’s hard to do. But all you can do is your best- we have no manual to go by. pray pray pray.

December 11, 2009 at 6:55 pm
(39) Missy says:

I feel the same pains as many on here. My son who is a month shy of being 17, decided to run away Thanksgiving week, so almost three weeks ago. I know he is ok, but he left home because I put him on punishment for possible drug use and he felt I was being unfair, as his friends parents only grounded them for a week. Well I am giving him tough love, I have talked to him on Facebook as well has his dad has talked to him and we both agree, he has to learn and we are not going to give in to his demands. He says he will come home if he isn’t grounded anymore. Well that is not happening! I have to say he has not disrespected me as far as talking and cursing at me, but he obviously does not want to abide by my rules. I was raised to honor and respect my parents and their rules, so I feel he isn’t any different. I also feel that he is hanging around some low life friends that are influencing him as well. So it is hard to do tough love, but I have two more boys here at home and I have to make a good example for them, or they will pull the same crap in another year or two. So for you parents doing tough love,hang in there and pray, your faith will be what gets you through this. One day they will realize that you were trying to do the right thing!

December 14, 2009 at 1:10 am
(40) TeriM says:

Although I won’t say I’m happy to hear others are in the same situation, it’s at least comforting to hear the support, prayers and hopeful words of encouragement. My son left 11/21/09 (4 weeks ago now). His Dad & I have gone through every emotion and still do, as many of you have here have or are. It’s absolutely horrible and much like a death because not knowing where they are is terrifying! So for you “Teen” and “anonymous”, I can understand what you’re saying about how there is fault on the parents side and thus why the kid left or leaves, but trust me…until you are a parent you have absolutely NO idea how painful it is for a child to walk out of your life! Nor how worried we are! We all have our faults and no one is perfect at parenting or anything else, but when we as parents love our children and do our best to let them know by telling them how proud we are of them and standing behind them and they pull something so selfish by running away because they don’t want to come home by curfew…it is a frustration, pain, hurt, anquish, anger, etc., only a parent in this situation can relate to.

My son ran away once before about 1-1/2 years ago. The first time was over his phone being taken away because he’d already lost 2 (well one he tossed on the sidewalk in anger because it dropped his call). I told him I wasn’t going to replace it. The next morning I checked his room to find a bed with pillows under the covers to make it look like him sleeping. His Dad & I found him at one of his friends house after 3 days and drug him home. The last year+ has been a struggle with school, curfew, arguments, etc. Plain and simple…he wants to do what he wants at any cost. I know he’s hiding out this time with this same kid but he’s going from home to home now. The 1st week he called me twice and promised he’d call even if it was to let me know he was safe. That has since stopped and now I am at the point that he has to fall, and hard. No matter how much we love them, as others have said, they need to learn some hard life before they get it. Every single day I worry about him. I go from trying to put on the ‘tough face’ to crying non-stop for hours. I won’t say I am not to blame for some of this as I am. I have been married twice, moved several times (due to a death in the family & to help take care of them)…but ALWAYS…my kids were number one to me!! I did the PTA, the parent conferences, gone to all the games, had sleepovers for his friends, took him on trips, read to him growing up, parent classes, therapy, family therapy, medication (for depression that he refused to take the meds)…you name it….we’ve tried it!! We even paid over $250/hr for a therapy that he literally sat there the whole hour each time (twice a week) and said absolutely not one word! If that isn’t stubbornness I don’t know what is!!

Anyhow, like the rest of you, I sit each night praying he’s okay. He has no job (doesn’t even has his SS#), no driver’s license, no car, and got dropped from school a week ago. I called the police immediately when he left and they tell me they can’t do anything. Only return him “IF” they find him or he breaks the law. There are no real resources for us parents in situations like this. At least not in my community. Most people don’t even know what to say to you other than, “Oh wow”. It really is hard.

I want more than anything for him to come home but like others here, I’m scared with that too as he’s stolen from me and I’ve seen from his myspace he’s been “hustlin” for money and “gettin faded”. In other words…getting drunk/stoned and doing whatever he has to (including stealing) to survive. That breaks my heart!!!!!! At the same time, he’s lied to us so many times and stolen from us that I just don’t trust him and wonder if I will be able to let my guard down again if he wants to come home. I want to hug him and smack him at the same time. Of course I’ve never smacked him, but I’m SO hurt and upset with his actions that I don’t know what I will say to him. I know I need to open my arms/door to him if/when he does return. But how do you do that when the trust was robbed from you over and over and over?????

Thank you all for letting me vent. Like many of you here, I don’t know what words to say that will help, but if anything knowing that others are going through the same thing is at least a comfort. It was for me.

Lost&Worried in So.Cali

December 14, 2009 at 1:29 am
(41) TeriM says:

One more thing…my son is 17 (will be 18 in Sept 2010). When he ran away he left a note saying he wanted to “emancipate himself” and that he loved his Dad & I and promised to get a job & finish school & call us daily. None of these things have happened. We left him emails giving info on Emancipation in the State of CA and that it takes 4-6 months and IF the judge okays it, it would be based on his having a steady income, finishing school and living in a permanent residence. He has none of these things. We told him we are still legally responsible for him and if he was to do anything to harm himself or others or anything else illegally, it would be us to take the fall.

Long story short, protect yourselves. Call the police immediately, even if they don’t help. And keep all texts and emails as you need the papertrail. You never know if something does happen. I pray it doesn’t…but you need to protect yourselves legally if anything.

September 2, 2011 at 8:20 am
(42) J Webb says:

I am wondering about the legal aspect of this as well. We have a 16 year old that refuses to come home because she does not like our house rules ( no drugs, drinking, go to school and make curfew). She has been gone about a month, she checks in regularly, but has been forced to move from friends house to friends house as she burns up their good will. She has no job, refuses to go to school and smokes pot everyday.

The various social workers, police, probation officers, therapists, etc have all explained to us that we are “legally responsible” for her, but because she is 16, in our state she does not have to come home and she can continue to live on the run as long as she likes. Furthermore, at her choosing, she can come home at anytime and continue to act out. Do not get me wrong, we would love for her to come home, but each time she does, she acts out sometimes by cutting and always she becomes abusive to everyone in the house.

We have sought out professional help. Over the years, she was hospitalized twice by the psychologists. Additionally, we opted for a week of respite care to relieve some of the stress in the house. It is a very depressing situation.

At this point we document all communication, cross our fingers and hope for the best. What sorts of legal issues can arise?

October 4, 2011 at 9:38 pm
(43) anita in CA says:

-J Webb-………what state are you in,im in california my daughter is 17 runs away alot have also notified police social workers shes also said that shes using drugs daily she is a special ed student her teachers all know bout it.what kind of legal issues would i be held responsible for in my state and what kind of tough love should i give her when she does come back home cause she listenes to noone she is very rude you cannot even speak to her when she doesnt like what your saying she just walks out the door.

December 17, 2009 at 4:37 pm
(44) mark says:

I have a 16 year old son that dont get along with a step mother.About 5 weeks ago the police were called and he was taken to jail for overnight for fighting with her. He has not beed home and staying with a friend. He still go to school and says hes never coming back.I help him with food and very little money to eat out for lunch twice a week.The step mother dont want him back and his real mother moved on with her life and dont want him around also.Same reasons fighting with her.I know Im responable for him and I help him when needed.The family hes with seems ok for now but you never know when that will change.My question is will I get into any trouble if I let him stay there and finish high school.Or do I need to fight and get him home and it may restart the war.

December 18, 2009 at 4:33 pm
(45) Colleen says:

I relate to all the parents here who are good parents doing their best to provide loving homes. I’m wondering if this generation is spoiled with their cell phones, computers, etc. and this is increasing their sense of false power, when they don’t pay the bills for these goodies. They are in near constant communication with friends, so these relationships seem to intensify and are overemphasized in their minds. Gee, we got away from our friends and actually had a life! My son never seems comfortable with himself just being alone. Like the others here he ran away, was put up by mystery friends who like partying with no supervision, is “experimenting” with drugs, and in a new older group. He is negative about counseling and just negative generally. He is not the same person. We put on family locater on his cell phone the last time and we also pulled numbers to show the police. If he threatens us now we say go ahead, but we’ll call the police, locater helps as does calling shady friends pulled from cell phone records, some open up. I hope this is just an awful phase and we all get through it!

December 29, 2009 at 8:50 pm
(46) Jean says:

My daughter left home at 16; we decided it was best for all if she left. We consulted with the authorities and gave her permission and she was looked after for a brief period and eventually worked and now is at uni. I just couldn’t cope with the fights between her and my husband; such a strain. We did everything we could, maybe we were a bit strict and i have tried talking more to the other children at home, saying no to dangerous things and negotiating others and we have less fights. I do say to my children that if they live with us they have to respect us and contribute to the household chores, they have contributed to planning a roster and do their chores. If my children give me cheek; i say to them, i will not listen to you while you speak to me like that, when you speak properly to me i will listen to you, this works as they will get sick of you saying this. As for my daughter who ran off, we keep in touch, i always say i love her which i do, praise her for her achievements in life, ignore her if she carries on; however we don’t see her more than a few times a year. Hopefully she will come to respect our values that we instilled in her. Hang in there and dont give up.

January 27, 2010 at 2:06 pm
(47) Naomi Samau says:

Pray for her and wait for her to come home to give her the biggest hug and tell her how much you love her no matter what…Im speaking from experience. Dont worry about the lies she tells people….you know they not true, God knows they not true thats all it matters!!

January 27, 2010 at 3:52 pm
(48) lori says:

boy, I do not envy you right now. first of all I am a 40 year old mother of 3, 2 teen daughters, and so far (hopefully) I do not have those type of issues. I can tho speak from the other side, see I was that girl as a teen. Ran away all the time, stole, did drugs/drank, involved with older persons, in trouble with the police you name it! I was in juvenile detention many times and eventually became a ward of the state due to my oppositional defiant personality! I quit school by the age of 15 and my attitude was well, **** you. Speaking from that side of the fence I truly feel for you, cause I gave my mom a world of hell. She brought the court system in to start taking charge. When I stole from her, ran away etc. she called the cops and pressed charges. The juvenile court system had no choice but to get involved then. I know that doesn’t sound pleasant for all involved, but I assume you all have tried counseling to no resolution. We did too, and to be honest if both parties don’t want the same thing, well counseling wont work. I suggest calling the police on her. As one person stated Tough Love, you cannot continue allowing her to disrupt the family, nor can you enable her by allowing her to continue her bad behaviour. She is in for a long and tough road ahead unless she straightens up and unfortunately a kid like her wont listen to someone older and wiser. I didn’t. Yes my years after the courts were involved sucked, but I continued to make bad choices so that was my own fault. I can tell you tho, that there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t regret my choices then. I quit school, got pregnant young, involved in a brutal relationship etc. It was a tough road I chose. There is hope tho. I did eventually get my GED, went to nursing school, developed a better way of making choices for my life, and have survived to be the age of 40. Good luck to you. I hope your daughter will realize that she will regret screwing up, I know I do.

January 27, 2010 at 7:15 pm
(49) Melissa says:

I am currently an 18 year old and stopped living with my parents when I was 17. I never ran away but home life wasn’t good since my stepdad came into the mix when I was 16, being over controlling, bipolar and having anger management issues. He told me that I had to leave or be grounded for 8 months, which meant no music, no television, no internet, no phone, no anything, and I had just started a long distance relationship. The fight was over privacy and my friends. I would have given anything to stay with my mom, and I cannot conceive of a person who would run away from a loving home. Because she is stealing and lying, I say you should let her be. Don’t try to get her back, she has disrespected you and is making all of your lives harder. She will see how hard it is in the world once she doesn’t have someone willing to support her, and will come back to you, hopefully with a renewed respect. If not it was her decision.

January 31, 2010 at 1:53 pm
(50) Sharon says:

After reading these comments, I didn’t consider my son as a runaway but that is what he has done. Although he’s not into drugs or alcohol, he does resent that he is expected to live by the rules of our household and help out around the house and no talking back. I am divorced and had raised him pretty much on my own since he was 3 and his dad is in the picture but not much of a parent. He’s more of a “Disneyland” dad. A few days ago, I got sick of him not answering his cell when I called him but he’s able to text and cancelled his service until he got the picture, I then grounded him for the weekend for not doing a chore that was asked of him because he “didn’t want to”. Totally being disrespectful. So he decided that he would go to his dad’s house to avoid his grounding and when I set my foot down and told him that if he went, that he should plan to stay there and when he was ready to come back and be a team player again that we can talk. What a shock. I didn’t want to believe that he would go but he did and now I am struggling if I did the right thing. I also blame his father for having underminded me and allowing my son’s behavior to be defiant. Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated!

January 31, 2010 at 10:21 pm
(51) lea says:

I figured my husband and I would not be the only ones going through the ordeal of a runaway. All I can say is get counseling if your insured they should cover it get it for the whole family we did this and it did help but unfortunately you can’t help someone unwilling to change after a year of family therapy. The therapist said we were one of the most loving parents they had seen.

We then had our teen do intense behavoral therapy with other kids and then in a parent setting that was so tough emotionally for all of us and it did help but our teen continued to lie about anything and everything.
The therapist wanted to continue a new program just for our teen but they became upset unwilling to continue in therapy they felt they were better.
The therapist said they still needed help saw our teen was still needing to accept responsibility for themselves and their behaviors.

We took the therapy route due to my teen lying I was falsely accused of abuse.
I was ,handcuffed by police whom I now will never trust again. The law says if someone accuses you of abuse the cops do not need to see marks or anything.
Teens were able to pretend to be my brother and said I abused my child by hitting them I don’t even have a brother but the cops did not care we were shocked.
I was dragged before a judge who said to let me go it was apparent that this was a setup..but still imagine having 5 police cars sitting in your driveway as your getting ready to go to the market.
When did kids get to hold so much power. My husband and I now do not trust the police I was told I was lying all the way to the police station by the cop it was crazy.
I kept telling them this was a made up story and in the end that is why the judge let me go thank god someone had common sense.
The next day school called and said social services had now been called seems my child packed their clothes and went to school a friend and their dad were waiting at the school willing to take our teen in we said no way our teen can go to a home for troubled teens or to my relatives they chose the relative. I was investigated along with my husband the social worker that investigated could not tell me right out that everything was fine but did say they were suspicous of our teen when they saw a bag of packed clothes with friends waiting their to take them in..In the end nothing happened but I have a record of a allegation it is very hurtful and that is why we did counseling. I will always be hurt but love my child so much

They did not have a good time following the rules of the relative and we decided to keep them with the relative for a week as I needed a break emotionally due to the hurt of it all..
they just turned 18 they quit school unknow to us damaged their car their last day and walked out the door when we found out they quit we cut off the cell phone and told them any car repairs ect were all on them as they do have a job and are not going to school. We said our house our rules and they walked out say they did not have to go by what we said so here is where we are at……

We have since changed our locks and the car is in our name and we have all keys they have called and tried to get their car . They are staying with a boyfriend who is 22 in his parents home I said she is all yours.
I say now it is tough love we gave up so much and we have raised other kids who are college graduates living productive lives giving back to the comunity our last is a great teen who has had to unfairly live through this mess and it has taken a toll on them too but they are doing well and we have to be greatful for what we have.

We hope that our 18 year old will learn from their mistakes. They have called we told them we love them and when they are ready to talk give us a call. they have called wanting things and we have said no we repeat that we love them and when they are ready to talk and not demand we will be there to help them. I say every kid is different and I do agree with one poster who says privacy is important to teens that is a good thing as long as they are not doing drugs ect after that they do not get privacy if they are bring those things into the home…every kid is different

ours got the privacy they do deserve they did not have drug issues but a personalitly disorder with a tendancy to run from rather then face problems. Just hang in there and really listen to your teens we have teens who did not have issues it is not a failuer as a parent some kids take the tough road and many come to their senses.

I too was simular to my child but never ran away I was to scared but I changed myself when I realized it was not my parents problem but mine that is why I am so willing to be put through so much and I still can say I love my teen so much… it is so hard to say no but I know we are doing the right thing,

Hang in their parents.. By the way I just want to say I too was failing highschool I was able to change myself and graduate school one time… it is a tough road for some and easy for others I gained so much for what I went through…

February 11, 2010 at 2:17 pm
(52) empty says:

It has been 7 days since our 18 year old made her great escape. Almost a year ago she was caught having sex in a public park in the drivers seat of the car with an individual I would like to reference as pure evil. (something a Mother should never see) I told my daughter whom I thought was a virgin to get in my car, the evil one told me he would have taken my daughter to his house to “#@%$” her if I wasn’t keeping her prisoner. She was 17 he was 20. He 6’3″ she 4’10″ he 135lbs she 83lbs. I told her he was unacceptable, months went by & then in July my husband and I were awakened 2:00 a.m. by our alarm system blaring and the front door wide open and our daughter gone with a note on her bed telling us she was of the age of consent and could do what she pleased and we could not stop her by law. I had no idea where evil boy lived but I knew his family was out of the country and he was at his Mom’s home alone with my daughter. I knew the road he lived off of & had his license plate from the sex in the park adventure. I never thought I would get over that & here she was 17 and gone. My heart broke again , we were scared and I don’t know if any of you other parents have experienced this or not but, both my husband and myself found we were so traumatized that we needed to urinate every few minutes. Strange but it must be a direct effect from fear. So at this point we wanted our daughter safe at home and I drove up and down every side street looking in every driveway, in and out of every culdesac until there it was the license plate, the car & yes my daughter was inside. We called the police and brought her home only because she was still enrolled in school and 17 & at that point we had legal parental rights. We thought everything was smooth and even getting better between us as a family however when she got her freedom to use her cell phone and computer , she continued her communication with him and her front with us became more hidden. She was so loving and sweet to us we were finally happy again. Then on December 23rd her 18th birthday we found out he had been calling her and had even met her at school. Our Christmas was ruined and spent making a police report, then the first of the year she took out a 12 month restraining order against him. We thought we were home free until February 5th, it was like any other day and things had been so good at home, we had even gone out 3 nights prior to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary and took our daughter along for a nice dinner. So Friday morning I dropped her off at school & around 10 a.m. I went in her room and noticed ALL of her makeup missing. She had also been culling clothes, books, movies and anything else she wanted, out of her room for most likely over a month. The makeup was the only RED flag for me, so I texted her and at first she denied it & said a friend borrowed her makeup. I told her it sounded like BS because the friend was dark skin toned and she light. Giving her the benefit of the doubt and trying to trust her I let it go. A few hours later I asked her what she wanted for dinner and she texted back unleashing a days worth of guilt telling me she skipped all day and was not coming home that she was going to be with her boyfriend. And that she would not come home until she got what she wanted. She has barely contacted us & this is the first time she has ever been away from home. She is obviously head strong & I think she is ready to leave us. I am broken hearted & really wish she could have hung on until graduation and her brothers wedding & then gone buck wild. The evil one had great pleasure telling my husband on the phone that yes he molested our daughter up and down and that he would do it again. He graphically admitted he did it with her and that it was the happiest she had ever been. These are not things a parent should ever hear about their child. I am empty inside. I am having a hard time letting go. We love our daughter and hope she will come back home one day, safe and not pregnant. We have only a few days till her cell phone gets disconnected and then we have no way of keeping in touch with her. She has been at school but we are afraid to bother her, because we want her to graduate. She said she is staying at a friends house, I hope it gets old fast. I ready or her to come home, I love her. God in Heaven please keep her safe!!!

February 11, 2010 at 8:47 pm
(53) empty says:

Update. I called Superior court & it looks like she went in on the 10th to try and cancel the restraining order. I can only pray the judge remembers the court day and how disrespectful this punk was in his court. I will pray that the 12 month order will not be canceled until they go to 12 month counseling. If that happens at least I know it will not be an easy ride for the evil one and my daughter who has obviously lost her way. A counselor would most likely ask about family, or at least try to get to the bottom of what they were thinking with these traumatically cruel events they have committed against the adults that lovingly raised this young lady. My daughter is very needy for attention & required back tickles every evening as well as snuggling. I understand the evil one will be taking my place, I wonder how long he can keep up with her needs? I hope he finds out fast that he has bit off more than he can chew, not to mention a guy that can’t keep a job wont be able to afford the Sushi, organic food & Chilean Sea Bass, nor the education for her to get a PHD in nutrition that she insists she will get. He is a dropout and cant even commit to community college much less let his partner outshine him in the education department. My daughter is throwing her life away & I hate sitting back watching her do it. Her grades went from 3 A’s & 1 C to 2 A’s & 2 C’s and the school called to tell us if she missed one more day she would not graduate. Then she can get a GED & most likely NEVER a PHD.

June 28, 2010 at 6:33 am
(54) Lorrie says:

My boyfriends daughter has lived with us since she was 12 yrs old, she is now 16. She has been reported as runaway at least 5 or 6 times, she has been expelled from high school her 1st yr there for gang related fighting, the 2nd school made her sign contract for attendance( because she has not went 1 full day in past 2 school years), she is no longer allowed to attend there. She started an alternative school this past yr and she falsly(so it turned out via internet conversations) accused a boy of raping her at school which was investigated but she ws not charged. She has called cps on us a couple times accusing us of beating her which she has never been. Now this past return home which came about by a det. calling us asking us to sign a release dental records for identification purposes because there was a jane doe close enough to her desc. to look further. She was home 1 week exactly when she took off and couldnt find anyone to come get her so she broke down and called to be picked up… We get there and SEVERAL guys scatter, dad gets out of the car and grabs her to physically put her in the car which brings one of the guys over to start assaulting him. She took off from the incident and is once again on the run A few hours later we have 6-8 officers at the door arresting him for criminal assault…. We cannot control her and she has no problem telling anyone that she gets beat without batting an eye. Our hands are tied and this girl has control and knows it!!!! And she knows that more likely than not that she will not be taken to juv.det. because they still havent after all this, NO dads in jail waiting to see the judge! This is insane!!!!!

July 15, 2010 at 12:46 am
(55) Mickey says:

i understande what yall are going though. We are his yours and ours family he has two children and i have one and we have one well. the oldest daughter was also a runaway stole lied alot of ther things well she got to an age where she thought liveing with her mother is better witch she did finish school but she uses drugs kinda has a job her boyfriend live wit her and her mother grandmother and uncle in a three bedroom place witch is fime but knowing the mother has and or had whatever a drug addiction we let the son go visit she let him stay on the computer all night had his phone all night calling whoever when ever talking to hundreds of girls doing whatever now he want to go live there and everybody keeps saying that hes gonna be 15 this sep and its not our desision where he lives he has realy bad anger issues and cant controll it counsling dident help he wont go its hard when the courts say its ok for a 13 year old to make his own dessions when we are accountable for him till 18 his mother just dont want them mad at her so she wont say no and give him whatever we are very hardworking parents and we have rules witch he hate of cours and with two other childeren seeing how they are acting there gonna think its ok we cant stop him from going im sure but we know whats gonna happend we cant afford childsapport at all and my husband has had coustady since his daughter was like 6 or 7 so can we fight him staying with her

September 5, 2010 at 5:49 pm
(56) Deena says:

Hello all thanks so much for sharing your stories. I to have a troubled teen she is 17 18 in a couple months. She has ran away twice now. This last time she ran to her grandparents home. They allow her to drink and party as long as she lies to them about her where abouts. I fear everyday that she will not make it home. Mine to lies about her home life with me she tells everyone how bad it was here that I didn’t love her, that I abused her. It is so hard to know how to deal with the situation. I am a mess i can’t hardly function knowing the dangers she is putting herself in. The grandparents bought her a new car this is not teaching her the reason she ran this time is I grounder her for her car for sneaking out a window. Within one week of being gone they bought her a brand new car the new version the the used one I had bought her. I wish some one could help me in knowing how to talk to her I find that I don’t know what to say. I have so much hurt that I get a loss for words

October 19, 2010 at 12:44 pm
(57) Jennifer says:

I have a 17 year old daughter that has runaway at least 10 times in the last 2 years. Each time she leaves, i wait 48 hours then call the police. I am very frustrated with this and am stuck at this moment with what to do. She is not at home as I am writing this. She has called me and when she does, she acts like nothing has happened. She is now refusing to come home and I really don’t know what else to do. I love her with all my heart, I have had in home counseling, outpatient therapy, she is just defiant and wants to do things her way. Rules are just not followed at all. The smallest thing, like not using the phone or saying no to a football games because she was in trouble at school or skipped school that day, will lead to her either leaving after school and doing just what I said no too. I am at the end of my options and she won’t be 18 until next August. I PRAY ALOT FOR MY DAUGHTER AND HER SAFETY.

November 6, 2010 at 9:40 am
(58) Paul says:

My 17 year old son ran away 5 days ago. He is staying at a friend’s home. The last four with him have been trying, draining, angry. Nothing has worked. The main sources of friction have been school, drugs, and tobacco. The last 12 months have been especially difficult. I have had counsellors tell me that my wife and I are: too lenient, too strict, too controlling and stifling, too liberal, not enforced rules as we should have. Its like frustrating Coke vs Pepsi with professionals. Since he started high school he’s basically spent about 4 hours a week studying. On a typical school day, between the time he gets home from school and the time he goes to bed, he’ll be 5 hours bouncing between XBOX, laptop, TV. He was also taking his phone and iPod to bed and would be up until 1 – 2 in the morning until we put a stop to that since he would not get up in the morning. This is one source of his anger toward us. It doesn’t help any that he gets to take both items to bed on the weekends (not enough).

He simply will not study. When I press him he snaps back that I am asking too much of him – “This is all I can do”. He is a very bright kid. It makes little difference if he has tests coming up. Research papers and book reports he is assigned 1 to 2 weeks in advance he leaves for the night before they are due. Several times my wife and I have had to stay up to help him complete his assignments. Other times we have said “sorry, you brought this on yourself you need to do it on your own”. This is another source of anger for him. This is a major source of anger for me as well.

(sorry..will continue)

November 6, 2010 at 9:43 am
(59) Paul says:

(apologies this wnet longer than I planned)

CONTINUED. He simply prefers to entertain himself than sit down and study. We have tried carrot and stick and nothing has worked. We have taken privileges away and this becomes another source of anger for him. We are the most controlling parents ever. “This is why I want to move out”. We have tried offering rewards. He says he will cooperate and he does for a week or two. Long enough for us to see high scores on school work. But, quickly he stops his new approach and says (whatever the reward) is not worth the extra work.

For the past two years he has been on and off experimenting with marijuana with a group of friends and smoking tobacco. He’s been caught five times and each time he loses privileges and becomes angrier at us. When we let him go out with his friends again sometime down the road, he goes back to the same activities. We have sent him to counselling but he tells us he den’s share very much. “They think they are getting information from me but they are only getting what I want.”
He’s been saying for about tree months that he has learned his lesson and that I have to give him another chance. I did. Just as I did a few others times before. The result last week: he came home stoned. The next morning I confronted him and he snapped back that he likes it, that is who he is, and that his parents have to accept it. The answer is ‘no’. Then, to top it all off, after he has been lying and manipulating, HE issues an ultimatum: I will stop the marijuana and drinking but you have to let me smoke cigarettes. The answer is ‘no’. His little brother is hyper asthmatic and everytime the teen comes home, the tobacco smoke in his clothes, sofa where he sits etc. is enough to trigger laboured breathing or at times an asthma attack. He knows this full well. So, he left went to a friend’s home. Single mom, tiny apartment, two teenagers of her own, both of whom smoke dope and drink – one heavily.

November 16, 2011 at 3:27 pm
(60) mary says:

Let him go…just quit! I am a grandmother of 10 and two on the way. I have four children and have been through it all! My oldest daughter ran and went into crime..drug addiction and prostitution. There is absolutely nothing more you can do..life must teach now…keep yourself in the mercy and love of God. And just let the kid fail…..absolutely fail.

November 6, 2010 at 9:47 am
(61) Paul says:

(LAST – Thanks for your patience)

CONTINUED. She never called us to let us know my son was there. We do not know her but I don’t think she plays with a full deck. One day she says the boys are a bad influence on each other and that my son can’t stay another day, the next day she says he is staying one more day. They are out until 10 pm weekdays and 1 or so on weekends. We know this from the family of another friend of my son’s . He is smoking and doping more than before and with his new found freedom has stated to us that he will not go home anymore.

Told one counsellor all he wants is to have a relationship with his parents, told another he wants nothing to do with his parents, told the first counsellor he’s not coming back home until we stop arguing and fix our marriage!! When we do argue it is 90% to do with him. This marriage thing is bogus and, in my view a ploy for sympathy. He has also said that he finally has the freedom he wanted. We have gone to child services and learned that our hands our tied. Can’t force him to come home and can’t force his buddy’s mom to push him to go home. Should we be giving her money for his room and board? Help…

November 15, 2010 at 6:07 pm
(62) Jenny says:

To all parents of runaways… Make your home so wonderful that your child never wants to run from it. Be kind and gentle and happy and pleasant to live with. Give your children the gift of freedom and the security of you to fall on when they need it. Don’t attempt to control, don’t attempt to manipulate, don’t create rules to do either of those things, it will back fire. Let your kids do what they feel they need to do and find a way to be okay with it. Offer guidance when it seems appropriate, but not to manipulate or control, offer it and let go of expectations.

Do the above and it’s a guarantee that your kids will not run from you, they will choose to leave when they feel ready and they’ll keep you informed about many of their choices. Tough love doesn’t work, enforcing rules doesn’t work. Don’t delude yourself into believing that it does. If it doesn’t work for any of your other personal relationships, then why would you think it would work with your kids? Kids are people, and they are people you SHOULD have a relationship with, so treat them like people that you WANT to have a relationship with.

January 15, 2011 at 11:08 pm
(63) Belinda says:

This is very unkind of you to write such things. Do you realise how judgemental you are being?
My son has been exposed to large doses of co and has co poisoning. Unfortunately he has psychosis and personality changes because of this and thinks I am plotting against him. My legal rights to get him treatment zero. His legal rights to throw his health away, is supported by a system who do not care about the family unit or indeed my son’s health.
Please think before you write such things, every parent on here loves their child and is giving it their best. If people and the law did not support such garbage from teens then parents would be able to do so much more.
I,ve learnt so much… do not trust the law, schools, social workers or counsellors they are not about keeping the family unit together or one bit concerned about what is best for the teen. Just the legal rights, yes a child in Australia can leave their parental home as young as twelve with the right lies in arm regardless of if they are true or not or if the child is indeed sick (no care will be administered if they say no ).
My son needs treatment badly and will probably never get it. He may end up with permanent damage and what was once a straight A student who was kind and respectful is now violent, steals, lies and believes anyone close to him is out to get him and can now hardly string a sentence together.
And for the record I am one of the above parents. May god forgive you for your harsh judgements. But most importantly my god have mercy on my son and he receives the treatment he needs to make him the beautiful person I know he is.

January 22, 2011 at 1:08 am
(64) Reeling in MN says:

Jenny, I cannot believe that you are so short-sighted about teens and parenting. Your posting is just appalling, really. So, my 19 year old daughter, who stole from me and her grandparents and paned the valuables, hooked up with a convicted sex offender (convicted of raping a 10 year old girl and gave my daughter an STD), has lied to me, hurt me, disrespected me, and now tells others that she left because I was an abusive Mom, by your standards, should have been left to do all of this with no consequences other than my saying La Te Da? I should have simply been pleasant to live with? So this is all my fault because I demonstrated to my ‘child’ the real emotional and financial consequences of her actions? She now faces felony charges… And you are telling me I should have kept the house smelling like gingerbread for her?

October 4, 2011 at 2:15 am
(65) Polkadot says:

Hmmm… maybe I should have tried gingerbread, too, instead of ‘campfire’ and ‘nutmeg’. Maybe that would have helped my home be more warm and inviting for my 16 yr old … and helped drown out the complete chaos she has been bringing to the table for past 2-3 years. We’ve also been stolen from, compulsively lied to, blatantly disrespected, suffered the financial consequences of the “legally responsible” aspect, and have two younger daughters (9 & 12) that are continuously ridiculed and bullied by her; bringing them to tears at times with her harsh attitude. She has run away 5 times in the past; all times reported to local PD and all times I’ve sat up chewing my fingernails off trying to figure out a way to HELP her and where I went wrong. I am amazed at how many people are willing to harbor a run away, but will admit that some probably don’t even realize they’re not dealing with a kid that was “kicked out by her crazy mother”. She’s been busted for shop lifting twice, spent time in juvenile hall, broken probation, has done house arrest and assigned community service. Sometimes she’s remorseful and tries moving back in the right direction, then almost overnight … complete 180 and gone. She’s been gone this time for 8 days and has not reported to school yet so is now also officially truant… something the parents are filed on, as well. Yet, Jenny says, our home must not have been comfy enough for HER.

June 21, 2011 at 4:12 am
(66) ophelia says:

Really? I thought I was providing a loving home. My daughter borrowed my expensive digital camera three times. The 3rd time someone stoled it from her and she was scared to tell me. Therefore she tried to manipulate me into believing I had misplaced it. I found the empty case on top of her closet shelf. I confronted her with it, did not hit her and she felt so bad that she ran away- causing me even more pain. Yes, I’ve loved her so much and thought I was providing her with so much love and respect and look, she left anyway and here I am wondering what to do. Thanks for your fine advice.

November 10, 2011 at 10:05 am
(67) nerissa says:

Jenny, seriously… if we as parents are meant to feign to their every desire then WHY is that not expected to be reciprocated… and what is that teaching them to look for in a partner. Someone who can be subjugated and manipulated??? I had always raised mine to be the kind of person I would have wanted to marry…. eah, your method might keep them hom, being the memsahib, until all the money and emotional energy are gone.. but SERIOUSLY, to what good?
To give them all you have eluded to for no return is ABUSE of the PARENT! And who wants an abusive relaitionship?

December 21, 2010 at 1:39 pm
(68) Rachel says:

For every parent that has gone or is going through this – MY HEART goes out to you. I’m a single and only parent (literally per birth certificate). I had my child young. I did everything I thought I could do to give her the most normal life possible. Including pursuing my education as planned – straight on from H.S. – to ensure I always had the same option to provide for her as someone who didn’t have a child early on.

Let me tell you there are no guarantees. My daughter has never had to live in an apartment complex. While she has had to help around the house – she has always had a yard, nice clothes, transportation and plenty of food. She’s always had health insurance. She has had a huge family to love her and the support of me being within minutes of where we lived so I could go to her school parties and pick her up if and when necessary. It hasn’t been enough the past three years. She is now a junior and starting her freshman year, I’ve lived day to day – on edge – trying to work with her selfish risky entitled behavior. Whether the day is one where she simply does not return home after school and stays out for days – or it is me dragging her to the hospital because I refuse to have her in my house intoxicated. (Our home is dry by the way.) If the police had a “frequent flyer” program, I feel like I could take anyone who reads this to the moon and back with the amount of times I’ve had to wipe the egg off my face and file another “missing” or “out of control” report. There have been countless social workers, counselors, family counseling (which is a dandy to attend alone because she takes off) , brought counselors to the house so she couldn’t jump out of the car, in house and day program hospitalization – and even set up un-offical probation for her once. At school there are conferences and IEP’s. All of this comes after her first 14 years I thought were relatively normal. These years consisted of : making and eating dinner together, baking, watching movies, painting together, getting her to and from the zillion dollar cheerleading practice & games 5 days a week, helping with homework, negotiating curfews and outings, respecting her “alone time”, throwing birthday parties, having friends over for bonfires and sleepovers, softball, dance, gymnastics, gym membership, CCD, etc…… No – she didn’t watch T.V or cable much and for her safety she didn’t really use the internet until late middle school – supervised.

As of this day – I’m trying to piece together plans for my teen daughter to live with her grandparents out in the country. This is against everything I’ve ever wanted for us. However, I simply refuse to enable an environment where she takes advantage of the two hours of freedom she has between the time she gets out of school and I get off of work. Being separated from your child is a feeling of going over the hill and having your stomach drop – but never come back up. However, that feeling is exemplified when a parent doesn’t know what their child is wearing, who they are with and where they are but does know – THEY ARE MISSING. You don’t have to trust me but do listen to my experience:-No matter how many gps locaters, parental controls on phones, postings on FB to parents, calls to parents you have made in advance or do make after your child is at a house – there is no magic way to tame a child that feels entitled to more than you have provided – including rules for their well being. Until you remove them from what it is that they like and are taking advantage of – this type of driven child will place their skill of being self motivated to see they get what they are “going for” – in the wrong area. As a parent of this personality type – I’ll attest if feels like being thrown into a rat trap.

For the person that started this blog and is frustrated over the two times your daughter has run away – YOU SHOULD BE! I hope it hasn’t happened since in the last year. For anyone else going through this – I would advise to call the police – every time. No coddling upon your child’s return (sure you are happy to see them, no they shouldn’t feel less of a consequence in your relief though.) Commit her/him if you have to. In the end – be sure your teen knows that there is a reason she has parents and other elders to respect. It’s our/their job to care and keep him/her safe. When a teen/child jeopardizes that – it’s a deal breaker. The consequences implemented need to be as close to real as the ones that could naturally happen. It may feel like you are losing a battle if the behavior reoccurs – but it is necessary to provide this structure to an unstructured situation. (Yes – kids that run are breaking down structure – yours and theirs).

For the last person who wrote about “making your home so wonderful…..” That is a nice gesture and appreciated. However – there are some teens/children that are oblivious as to how nice their home is no matter what. While I won’t say that my home was one of them, I will say that over the course of time – I have met PLENTY parents that couldn’t have been kinder, gentler, nicer, more generous and still have children that have run away – and even taken their lives. If your child is behaving like this – it’s not a bad idea to to the self – check on your home environment but I feel it shouldn’t be used as an excuse for a child’s bad behavior.

I hope someone can use this information and if this is happening to you, trust me – I’m thinking of you and wishing you strength.

February 10, 2011 at 2:01 pm
(69) Sad mom says:

My daughter started running away and seeking bad guys when she was 14. As a child, my husband was yelling so loud at her it hurt. Then I would yell back at him thinking this was the right thing to do. It’s a hard habit to break. It was a mistake.

Now she’s 17. She takes off with Dad’s permission and lives with drunk party kids (Facebook pictures!), gets kicked out, comes back, has screaming arguments in the car driving in traffic, dad threatens to” take care of her with a gun” – yes, I should have called the police but based on his past behavior he would say I made the threat and I do have guns. Locked in a safe. Hidden.

So she moves in with a decent kid, I bought a car that I let her use, if stays in school. Dad gives her money, buys her computers for school. Sidenote: Dad and I are in a power struggle and everything even the dog is a pawn but divorce equals no money for college.

Back to the story: Friend drops out of school and goes to military school. My daughter gets lonely, stays out, gets kicked out and ends up with a 21 year old guy, with no job, no car, no license (DWI), no money, no heat or hot water. He’s her “friend.” He also happens to be her best friend’s boyfriend. I do not know where he lives!

All the while she is several month’s from graduation. I feel so sick. If it wasn’t for my dog I wouldn’t get out of bed. I can’t let my dog down.

There’s a bunch of other things. she has punched me. I am embarrassed by her. I want to help her but she is not thinking straight. I take a lot of blame. She won’t listen. I just want to sleep until it is over. I hate coming home.

March 27, 2011 at 6:49 pm
(70) Cindy says:

I really appreciate all the posts. I don’t feel so alone with my situation. My daughter is severely special ed. She turned 18 on January 10th. The police would not allow a runaway report or any action on our part. She ran away on March 16h when her dad and I were at work. She stole money from her brother’s wallet and got a ride to a nearing state by a family wanting drug money. We went down there to try and get her to come home. She refused and even threatened us with charges(lies of abuse). She moved in with some boy she met who was a lot older online she met on Facebook via her ipod who lives in a shack where God knows what goes on. She dropped out during her junior year in high school and is not working. She has not been in trouble with law or into drugs ect..We have heard already she might be pregnant(I doubt of it not this quick!). We felt we did everything we could do as parents. We did everything we could like providing the best schools for her disabilities ect..It is like a death has occured, and I am worried every hour of everyday. People take advantage of girls like her. We did sell the car we bought for her over the weekend. She only has a permit. I don’t want her to come home with the intentions of stealing and lying with our home becoming a revolving door with other children in our home. We were the parents that did all the right things, and this still happened to us. I check on her via facebook.

April 4, 2011 at 1:37 pm
(71) Leanna says:

My son is 14 and has been running away for the past couple months, he cuts school, is having sex with a number of very willing girls, and is juggling two steady girlfriends. He was gone all weekend (AGAIN) I am sick of it, he thinks he could do whatever he wants, nothing is gonna stop him short of me handcuffing him to his bed at night. I have four kids to are grown and him- Matthew, and a five year old. I am ready to sign is ass off to foster care.
Sick and tired.

April 10, 2011 at 8:50 pm
(72) Cindy says:

I have had regular contact with my daughter,now..She is calling and texting..I got her to go to a doctor and pick up birth control pills..She is unwilling to enroll back in school, which I am disappointed. She was in special education so going alternative routes may prove difficult and getting a job. She did say she had filled out an application for McDonalds. I hope she will see the value in returning to school. She only has a drivers learners permit and dropped out in 11th grade. She states she is in love and will go wherever this boy goes..He is 24 and not stable..We did sell the car we bought for her and changed her room to an office. She did try the take off thing at 14, but she did not like the girls home threat so it was an effective scare. I was firm at that point, but I tried to get her into more activities.. She never was into drugs or delinquent behavior..She did feel poked fun of for her disabilities, and there was nothing I could really say to take that away..She met this boy by IPOD on facebook..so monitoring the regular computer and cell phone did not work!!

April 16, 2011 at 10:48 am
(73) Cindy Kirton says:

My daughter has contacted me to say she was kicked out of where her and the boy were staying and are couch surfing with no money or food..I have given her the option of coming home and going back to school..I am not sure if she has had enough yet..I don’t want drama and an open door policy in front of my other children..My daughter’s grades were good,and we did not have a bad relationship before she left..My husband has also agreed to let the boy stay if he gets a ged and some education..Not sure what is going to happen from here..

November 16, 2011 at 3:33 pm
(74) mary says:

I am a 60 year old grandmother. Iraised 4 children and pls let me say that opening your door to her boyfriend is a terrible mistake. your house is not to be a crash pad…you will lose your home and they will take it over….very bad move.

April 16, 2011 at 9:36 pm
(75) hanifah says:

wow i guess reading some of the comment help me to see things could be worst but i sure shows me things could be way better. my teen has ran away 5 times since november. i dont know what to do with her. i tried counseling, but she still goes out. when i ask why she tells me she dosent know. i get so worried that i dont even punsh her most times i just except her with open arms and i think she takes advantage of that.the worst things is that she is the oldest of 5 girls. i pray that i dont ever have to go through this again. this last time she ran away when my husband went to get her she acually siad “i dont know why yall keep coming to get me” buit i have proof that she do not have a steady place to stay or even a guarentee for food. i am so confused. i am going to try to see if i could put her in some sort of group home maybe she will tell ssomeone why she keep doing this and they can help her figure out a way to handle things in a more beneficial way.

April 23, 2011 at 11:56 am
(76) Cindy Kirton says:

I went to see my daughter last Saturday. I was hoping she would come home. I gave her $100, let her talk, and took her out to eat. She was headed for more couch surfing in Tulsa..She had not taken the birth control she had picked up. She had lied to her boyfriend and claimed my husband was abusive..I have no finding address or phone#, now..She turned 18 in January or I would have made sure she picked up and put somewhere safe by now. My daughter is severely special ed and can’t just get a job anywhere. I am now worried about her ending up in trouble and the boy is the abusive one..I did get a phone call from a clinic in the Tulsa area requesting my medical insurance. They could not give me any information other than she paid the $25 co-pay herself..This has greatly disrupted my family, and I spend my days preoccupied that she is okay. She did tell me that she would come home if things did not get better “out there”.

June 19, 2011 at 2:46 pm
(77) JC says:

My guess is that your husband was abusive and that you were too blind to believe her. Most teen girls who run away are running away from abusive situations.

If she told you about her abuse, about being raped or molested, and you, the one person she is supposed to be able to trust didn’t believe her, then what did you expect her to do?

I’m not surprised she keeps running away. Your quote “This has greatly disrupted my family” says it all. Clearly, you only think of her as an annoyance and disruption from the rest of your life. If she contacts you again, talk to her with an open mind and find out just what she’s been through. Then act on it. If she accuses your husband of molestation, take her seriously.

May 1, 2011 at 8:32 pm
(78) Cindy says:

What would possess a teenager to leave the comforts of a good home to live in flea bag motels and couch surf around people they do not know? Will they be exposed to drugs and illegal activities which were not acceptable in their homes? How could this have been prevented? Where you too strict or too loose in discipline? What if they are doing everything that you talked and preached against as a parent? What if they are being mistreated by a significant other and risk pregnancy? How long will this last and will it become their new lifestyle of choice? Will your home become a revolving door to this kind of lifestyle you do not represent as a family? I am grieving, scared, and asking myself all of these questions!

May 16, 2011 at 12:22 am
(79) hopeful says:

we kicked our 17 yr old son out on 2/10/2011. it’s been 3 excruciating, painful months, he didn’t like our rules, said the government gave parents too much control of kids. said he is not going to be a subordinate.. called cops each time he’s run away, hes pulled a knife on us, chest bumped me, got in my face, called me a c**t.. my husband and i have 2 younger kids at home 14yr old boy and a 7yr old girl, we had to kick him out, our family was falling apart. he’s living across the street from us.. we didn’t think he’d be gone this long, we’ve done counseling, anger management classes, drug classes, talked to the school.. he is completely adamant about taking care of himself, but he isn’t.. he does what he wants w/ the parents hes w/ now..we’ve reached out to him several times and he refuses to come home..don’t know what to do. live in NV.. he can’t get emancipated, cause hes not taking care of himself, but legally we are responsible for him.. any advice for us? what about giving guardianship to these parents hes living with? idk, the schools been calling letting us know about his absences, hes failing 3 classes. he is and honor student, who took a wrong turn. comes from a very loving, healthy home. we’ve been married 18yrs..idk how we got here?

May 29, 2011 at 3:26 pm
(80) Kyle says:

As a parent with a daughter threatening to leave, I have the comments listed extremely valuable. The teen comments are predictable and nothing less than I would expect, and Jenny seems to have theory correct, but the rest of you, with your real life examples have touched my heart.

What keeps me going is the fact that I have three kids in same house that are thriving and keeping the same rules I expect out of the non-compliant kid. I have a strng circle of friends in the community and church that give me a sense of whee I stand. There is no question I expect more of myself and kids than most families, and Id want it no other way

May 29, 2011 at 3:32 pm
(81) Kyle says:

I believe in right and wrong. I believe in good and evil. I respect the ability to choose, and embrace accountabilty. I question myself every day, but won’t give in to the notion that because I’m not a buddy to my child I’m a bad parent. I’m a great parent. So are you. Many parents have no idea or look the other way. They say things are fine only because they don’t know.

My goals are to start young, instill the understanding of right and wrong, Christs teachings, accountability. Long term understanding of actions. I don’t have to have perfect kids. J just have to do my very best. And I am. So are you.

May 30, 2011 at 12:04 am
(82) Cindy says:

My daughter is living in a way we don’t approve of, and I have not had alot of contact with her lately..She is couch surfing with a boy who is less than desirable..I do have three other children that are following the rules in life and doing fine..I did raise them in our home with a clear cut right and wrong with rules..I rewarded good decisions and punished the bad as a parent should..My husband is worried our daughter will end up on drugs or dropping kids on our doorstep. She is not working or going to school, and the lifestyle she is leading goes nowhere..I am afraid all the time she will end up in the wrong place and in the wrong hands..She is 18, special ed, and dropped out of school..We figured she would have come home by now..I feel for all the parents going through this..

May 30, 2011 at 4:15 pm
(83) raj says:

Look after your children and no matter what they do forgive them and bring them up with lot of love and respect and visit this website for learning on abuse and serial bullies.Most parnets are either bullies or they are abusers.They do not know how to raise children So please first educate yourself and then blame your children. http://www.bullyonline.org

June 7, 2011 at 9:57 pm
(84) Cindy Kirton says:

I can guarantee you my children were brought up in a loving environment and not bullied. Of my four children, only one has gone the wrong direction. A friend of mine I visited with my daughter after she took off stated that she talked her talk but there was fear in her eyes. I don’t understand why my daughter is doing what she is doing. I did tell her where that kind of living leads to…My other children are very hard working and respectable children. I worry about my daughter daily, but I have come to the place where I know there is nothing I can do at this point. My daughter knows she can come home when she wants to, but this other lifestyle is new and exciting, and she need to see the ugly side of it..I just pray she stays safe..

June 15, 2011 at 4:29 am
(85) anajana sharma says:

my daughter was18 last year she ran away with her boy friend she never told me that she has boy friend and now she tells lie and hide every thing from me and she is only my child i love her a lot but she does not care of me at all

June 18, 2011 at 7:39 pm
(86) Cindy says:

My daughter left at 18 in the March of her junior year of high school. She is my only daughter, and I had no idea what was fixing to happen. I was caught completely off guard. The boy lived several hours away, and I thought it was an internet thing which would not last due to the distance. The boy does not share the same values or lifestyle that we do. I do not hear from my daughter much like I did when my older two boys left for college which was hard but not when they leave when the only thing that come out of it is no good. My daughter is living coach surfing in a bigger city projects and smoking dope. She is not working or going to school. She was taught this is an unacceptable lifestyle choice. I always worry everyday that something bad will happen..I may never see her again..I reassure her of my love and that the door is always open. I have taken the decisions my daughter made very hard..I was caught completely off guard. There is an immediate period of grief..You are mad one day and crying the next..In the end, you pray for the best and try to accept it the best you can..

June 19, 2011 at 2:41 pm
(87) JC says:

No one wants to tell you this, but she’s probably being molested and abused by someone. If it isn’t you, it’s probably her father, an uncle, cousin, etc– someone she feels she has to leave to get away from. Rape and molestation are the primary reasons most young girls run away. Another possibility could be drugs, but again most female teen drug addicts were sexually abused at some point.

June 26, 2011 at 11:05 am
(88) Cindy says:

In my daughter’s case, my daughter was special ed and suffered from social problems and was not molested. A parent can give all the positive reinforcement but we can’t fix the social issues sometimes that come with school. I tried a few counseling sessions a few years ago, and I only had positive comments on my parenting skills. Schools sometimes are good about education needs of special ed students but not the social and emotional needs. This really did not become an issue for my daughter till junior high.

July 8, 2011 at 1:29 pm
(89) Eric says:

I feel for your situation. I have my own issue I’m dealing with, though your sounds much worse. I would simply refuse to let her come home. She obviously wants what she wants, so give it to her. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom, ya know-? If she feels like she has burnt that bridge she may not come back for awhile and she may go down a bad road, so make sure that you both have a way to get ahold of each other (if possible). But the day that she really screws her life up and is at the end of her rope, if she knows that she ultimately can come to you then she’ll call–and be a lot more likely to follow basic rules.

Basically let her make the pain of what she has created be much, much greater than her ego and the resentment of coming home.

Good luck!!!

July 10, 2011 at 11:18 pm
(90) Cindy says:

I did have some hope this week. She said she was going to be dropped of at her aunts, and she realized she made a mistake. She did not make it to her aunts. I have always left the door open and so has her aunt. I worry about her faced with prostitution or violence. She will call on occasion, and I always tell her I will come get her and pray for her all the time. It is almost like a nightmare, and I know I have no control over what happens. She is my daughter always, and I love her no matter what she does or what has happened.

July 12, 2011 at 9:09 pm
(91) da says:

Im a teen mom can any one help me. I get constantly abused I want to go to a safehouse but im worried my son willl taken away from me or seperated. Ill be 18 in a month. Can someone please help me or find out

July 18, 2011 at 4:21 pm
(92) me says:

Hey everyone :) i have a question. I have a really good friend that ran away at the age of 15 he is now 16 and turns 17 in 4 months he is still gone and plans to stay gone till he turns 18. He was under ALOT of stress in his house hold and always got the cops called on him for dumb reasons like not cleaning his room but his parent would lie to cops and say he was dis obeying them and they would lock him up so he left. HE is not at all what so ever a trouble maker at all. He is a great kid. I was just wondering once he turns 18 will he still get in trouble? plus not to forget to mention he missed court when he left and has a bench warrant out for him right now. how much trouble will he get in once he turns 18 :) thank you all for the help

August 6, 2011 at 5:37 pm
(93) jackie says:

wondering for some advice? I have an eighteen year old daughter who is living from friend to friend in another state. I threw her out when she was sixteen. she messed up in school, sneaked out of the house, slept around, drank alcohol etc. My mom and dad (her grandparents) took her in and she was even worse with them till my dad threw her out and she is not allowed to even visit. she has been disrespectful with the whole family and has divided alot of us in alot of ways. I feel compelled to bring her back home and try with her one more time. right now all i know about her is that she smokes weed, still drinks alcohol and she cries to my mom and says she feels like she has no one in her life, no family. I have three other children at home who are such a blessing to have because they are really striving to do everything right for themselves. I am afraid to bring her home, because she is very street wise and we are not that way. but doesn’t everyone deserve a second chance? what do i do? would I be jeopardizing my other children’s safety?

August 15, 2011 at 11:43 pm
(94) Cammy says:

I adopted a daughter at age 13 and she ran away from home 3 months ago at age 18. This child has been in my life since she was 10 and was always with my kids and I. She left mainly because of rules in my house and an verbally abusive guy she is dating. She has cut me off completely in her life and I honestly dont know how you get over a child leaving. I feel so lost without her. I dont understand how she can leave behind a loving family and live like she was previously before she came to live with me. It hurts like no other.

August 27, 2011 at 5:25 pm
(95) Cindy says:

There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about my only daughter..I don’t understand why my daughter is living the lifestyle she is living–not working or going to school, couch surfing with a guy that does not treat her well–She knows where that lifestyle leads to..I was honest..I don’t understand why your child would want to leave a loving family..I don’t understand why my daughter would either..It does hurt..It is 5 1/2 months out for me..She lived with her aunt for a month..My daughter will call me on occasion to tell me how bad things are..I will prepare to go get her then she always turns me down in the end..My daughter does know you can’t live a trashy lifestyle in our home..I worry more about the dangers..I have had to go through the grieving process..It does get better but it still hurt..

August 16, 2011 at 12:02 am
(96) Coming From a Teen says:

Another teen run away here. Kids who are sheltered too much, restricted too much. Not given moderate freedom, are more likely too run away. I’m in such a place where my parents over reacted to some trouble I got in at the mall, I feel like running away a second time. I JUST got un grounded my fault blah blah. But let me tell yu had it been a two – three week grounding i’d just take it and deal with m actions. But it’s MONTHS which I feel is unfair. They wont be giving me money/allowing me a phone or out so what reason do I have too stay? Learn form this, at a certain point we just dont feel lke we have any reason NOT too run away party smoke weed and drink until the sun comes up. Just my 2 cents.

August 23, 2011 at 3:49 am
(97) stressed says:

I have a 15 year old son. Over the last year he has become increasingly defiant. We recently discovered that he has been sneaking out of the house frequently, including nights where he had to work in the morning. We have no idea where or what he is doing while out…but I am sure it is not reading the bible. The result = he wouldn’t get up for work or would fall asleep at work. (He has a summer job with my husbands company) He was sneaking out of the basement windows where his bedroom is. We moved him out of the basement up to the 2nd level in a spare room. The minute we told him of this plan, he left. It has only been a day, but I am still very worried. What do I do? He will come back, I am sure of it. But what should my reaction be? I read some people saying you should just forgive and hug, but does that send the wrong message? I absolutely do not want him thinking that if he doesn’t get his way he can just leave for a few days and there will be no consequences.

August 27, 2011 at 5:13 pm
(98) Cindy says:

It is hard to decide..I have three boys that I have not had any trouble out of. The rules are the rules..My daughter ran off and is living a lifestyle we don’t condone..Her aunt took her in thinking she could give her a chance..She was there about a month, and her aunt could not deal with her behavior..The rules have always been the rules in our house…I worry about my daughter all the time..I had to come to the place where I decided she has to want to live her life differently, and I can’t force her..I hope for her sake she eventually comes to her senses..At 15, I would have probably had the child picked up by the cops and put the kid in counseling..At eighteen, there is not a whole lot you can do..

September 8, 2011 at 9:17 am
(99) tim says:

my 16 year old daughter ran away 2 weeks ago 2 her sisters side staying with her auntie. when i see her she is nasty and demands money from me.what do i do? she demands her passport from me to get into college i have taken legal advice and the police say dont hand it over.i dotn trust the family she is with they lie to me .i gave her moey to keep in touch with me ,i hear nothing? i think about just stop seeing her altogether as its so painfull sein her angry with me and her little brother .she ran off twice with her so called friends before and we talked things over and everything was ok for a while ,but she hid her phone from me and was very devious with boys messages on her phone .im on anti depressants and cant sleep and it gets harder every day .do i just let her go and not see her or just go along and take the abuse when i see her ?

September 10, 2011 at 12:09 pm
(100) FriendofMom says:

My friend is a working single mom with a 17YO daughter. Her ex-husband was an alcoholic and she finally kicked him out; he’s been dry for a few years since and now lives in a halfway house in another state 400 miles away – they barely get along as he hangs up on her often when she tries to co-parent. She lost her beautiful new home when her deadbeat ex didn’t pay his support. She is a kind, compassionate and devout Christian woman– but not to the extreme. She’s a well-balanced, practical, even keeled all the time and rarely loses her temper.

September 10, 2011 at 12:10 pm
(101) FriendofMom says:

Con’t

The mom made a big mistake; she took in a 17 YO homeless (HS dropout) boy about 2 years ago trying to help being the Christian woman that she is. The boy was a friend of the daughter’s ex BF and had been sleeping in a car nearby. After the mom took in the boy (it was only to be a week or so), her daughter, then just 16 got involved with the boy. A few months later they both got caught, charged, and convicted for shoplifting (her daughter eventually got convicted and sentenced and the boy got off much later through delays); the daughter was shoplifting a shirt for the BF and did months of community service that the mom had to ferry her to and from. Then the boy was only to stay for a few weeks, which became months. She helped the boy get a full time job and gave him a defined amount of time help him get his act together to move out and become independent. The boy’s dad was in jail and his mom was nowhere to be found. Deadlines came and went and she told the boy that he had to get out within a month. He didn’t; he had been spending his pay on pot and partying with her daughter she later discovered. The boy began to be disrespectful to the mom and she finally kicked him out last Fall – of course the daughter objected having a virtual live-in BF.

The daughter continued to attend HS but cut class often to see her now ejected BF who was homeless and staying at a seedy, drug-laden motel on the other side of town. She missed so many classes she has to make a few up and her grades slipped on others – she was a brilliant student before all of this. She has grandiose ideas that she’d going to get out of HS early and go to community college when she turns 18 and somehow her BF will get his GED and become successful and they will live happily ever after.

September 10, 2011 at 12:11 pm
(102) FriendofMom says:

con’t

While she and her daughter went away for a weekend the BF broken into the mom’s home, stole her car, went on unlicensed, uninsured joy rides with his druggie older brother, damaged the car, and returned it before they returned. He was later caught, prosecuted and did a few months in the Co. jail for that and the daughter resented the mom for reporting it to the police. The daughter would not give up the BF and would run away for a few days at a time then come home as if nothing was wrong then saying she wanted to be a better daughter – each time breaking the many strings of promises both verbal and written.

The daughter had her BFs name privately and prominently tattooed across the back of her neck without her mom’s permission – so no legal recourse there. Things got worse. The daughter admitted to smoking pot regularly, got into fights at school, continued to cut classes and fail them, use the local city bus at will to go where and whenever she wanted and openly defied her mom. It got so bad her mom committed her for 6 weeks at the county mental hospital where they said the daughter’s issues were behavioral.

The daughter would end up at the boy’s stepmother’s gov’t housing in a very bad part of town to see the BF and the BF’s father and brother were constantly in and out of jail for petty things. She shoplifted alcohol for the BF and the BF’s Dad (when he got out of jail) and almost got charged (caught on store cam) but the police let the daughter go with her mom with a warning and a no trespassing order.

September 10, 2011 at 12:13 pm
(103) FriendofMom says:

The mom picked up and moved the both of them several towns away from the city and eliminated the easy access to the city bus lines and easy access to her daughters BF and stepmom’s home and enrolled the daughter in a good school nearby. She was behaved for several months after going to the country mental hospital but now is acting up again after summer break just 3 weeks into the new school and likely hooking up with the wrong friends. The mom has to work lots of overtime to feed and house them (barely), so she can’t supervise the daughter as much as the daughter needs.

After serving her community service the daughter was lucky and got her conviction expunged. The BF, not having easy access to the girl skipped the state, got a job and didn’t finish his probation after serving jail time; he can’t return to the state now or he’ll do time for violating probation. This week she bolted from home again – defiant. We think the boy, now 19, is in town but not wanting to get caught; we think they are temporarily shacking up at a home in a very bad part of town – don’t know if he is only visiting or staying.

Of course the daughter now says she wants come home soon (probably after the BF leaves) and pretend as if nothing is wrong and wants more freedoms. The mom is beside herself as to what to do – let her come home without consequence or lock her out and tell her and her ex that she is his problem now after more than a year and a half of this abusive behavior; as I see it, it is really the mom is really being abused here and the daughter, IMHO, is immature and selfish.

September 10, 2011 at 12:13 pm
(104) FriendofMom says:

(con’t)

I know, blame it all on the alcoholic dad and the daughter’s resulting psychological trauma resulting from that. The mom has provided unconditional love and acceptance of her daughter –even through her many transgressions, but has also laid down reasonable but firm rules and gotten themselves professional help that hasn’t worked time and time again. The daughter just thinks her mom is an idiot and she knows all the ways of the world. If she takes her daughter back in it will just get worse. Yes, her mom has had the daughter continuously seeing a counselor – several of them as well as a psychiatrist and has been on a variety of meds for mild depression and ADHD (I think the daughter has neither – I think she is just a spoiled immature, selfish brat).

Putting the girl back in the country mental hospital is really not an option – although the daughter fears going back (she agreed to initially then regretted it when they kept her for many weeks), it has pretty much bankrupted this hard working mom who has no choice but to work lots of overtime now and little time flexibility or get fired.

My opinion is that it is time for tough love. I think the mom should change the locks and tell her daughter the free ride is over and tell her Ex husband that she is done and really follow through for a good long while. Her Ex rehabilitates other alcoholics now and has extensive family where he lives (she doesn’t). What do you think? This abuse cannot be permitted to continue.

What would YOU do if you were the mom?

September 10, 2011 at 5:59 pm
(105) BP says:

Our son is 17, turning 18 next year. He’ll enter 12th grade at that time. He’s talked about leaving home before. We’re expecting that he’ll want to act once he’s 18. We bought him a nice car, hoping that he would get a job to help with the related expenses. He didn’t. Instead he used it for his leisure. It didn’t teach responsibility as we had hoped. So, we traded the car in and upgraded our family vehicle (message: needs of the overall family come first). We also went to internet TV and phone, so we eliminated the cell phones (except for pay-as-you-go for emergencies only). Now he uses is iTouch to text when he’s within wifi range. Otherwise, we know where he is… at home, at school, at girlfriends; and he knows his curfew time to be home. Which he honors, by the way. It’s just good to share our experience, since it relates to the messages above. By getting rid of the car and phone, it actually helps to know that we’re not enabling him in some ways. What he does, he has only himself to blame. If he wants to leave, we’re not stopping him. It’s tough love. If he wants to experience life, then have at it. He only thinks about the moment, and scoffs at the idea that one day he may still need us. He only thinks for the moment and his own selfish needs. Although we still love him, and always will, it causes grief to think that we’re at this place in life. He only comes home to sleep and eat. He doesn’t help with chores willingly, so we’ve stopped asking. So when he asks for money, we’ve stopped giving (unless it’s school related). That’s our story. It’s nice to know other parents are here too.

September 17, 2011 at 10:39 am
(106) NCMike says:

One of the common threads I read over and over is that these kids think only about the current moment and live in the current moment and don’t think seriously not about the future. And is not like the parents don’t try to focus them on the future and work towards it – the kids choose not to. Why is that when, as group, they have so much to look ahead to and live comfortably and secure relative to most others in the world. Maybe that is the root cause, parents make life too cushy at too early an age.

September 17, 2011 at 2:01 pm
(107) Denise Guide to Parenting Teens says:
September 12, 2011 at 3:40 pm
(108) mandi says:

I am a single mother of three children, one who is grown and on her own in law enforcement. I have a daughter who is almost 18 and a son who is almost 17. My son has had problems with ADHD/ODD for most of his life. I left his father when he was 7. He has not had a real father figure since then. He is defiant and has had anger issues, hates school, walks out of class until the school just said he didnt belong there. So now he is at an alternative school. Just yesterday he was out in the yard with friends and I had asked him to mow the yard for me. Instead he sets a pompus grass bush on fire and I lost it and told him to get out of my yard and he started cussing at me and telling me it was his f@#*ing yard too. Then he got mad and started hitting his truck (that my mother bought for him) and put a dent in it. I want him to leave and he wont leave b/c he has nowhere else to go. This is only one in a million times this kind of stuff has happened. He is in anger management and I drive 120 miles total each week just to take him to it and most of the time that is a fight too. I dont know what to do. I wish I could afford military school or something. I love him, he is my boy, but I can only take so much.

September 15, 2011 at 8:54 pm
(109) Cindy says:

I was just going to leave an update. My daughter is now home. She is enrolling in an alternative education program and seems on the right track. She has been kind of demanding, and I am waiting on her period and hopefully she has not ended up pregnant..It has been a long 6 months, and there has been alot of prayers for bringing her home safely in the right frame of mind..We are good parents and the whole taking off thing came unexpectedly..I just wanted to give a word of encouragement to everyone and I feel very blessed..
Cindy

October 6, 2011 at 8:51 pm
(110) MichelleS says:

I have a 15 year old girl who constantly runs away. It all started when she was raped last summer. I have taken her to several doctors, therapist and she doesn’t want the help. I constantly tell her we need to talk about it because it’s affecting her and everyone here. I divorced her father 9 years ago because he was violent and an alcoholic. I never kept them from him I knew down deep inside of me that this was wrong but I simply couldn’t be one of those parents that use their kids as tools in order to get back at the other parent. My daughter started hanging around kids that I don’t approve because of the way they disrespect their parents. I told her I will not allow her to talk to me in a condescending matter. That I love her but we have rules here that must be followed. She has runaway 4 times already, which I have reported to the police. I’m at wits end here because I don’t know what else I can do. Do I just let her go and cut off all financial responsibility? What worries me is that I’m still legally responsible for her; but i simply can’t make her stay…

October 10, 2011 at 3:32 pm
(111) Single Mom says:

I am a single mom of a 18 year old. Throughout my daughter’s life I never made her short of anything. She had the best. She wore the latest fashion and went to private schools. She drove my car to school while I take the bus. You could say she was spoiled. But she was a very respectable young woman. Everyone admired her. Just before she turned 18 she ran away -only for one night. Now she is enrolled in college and decided she is grown. On September 10th she decided she wanted to go live with friends. The friends are shady characters because she neither went to school with these friends or live in the neighborhood. She would send text messages and facebook messages only. Finally after much pleading her grandmother begged her to come home. She did and we set house rules. She decided that she didn’t like the house rules and left again after the weekend. Then she texted me to say she dropped out of college. I had to cut her off completely. I am depressed and not eating. I am begging my family to not support her financially but as her grandmother states she can’t see her go without food. I considered my daughter ungrateful. She had a privileged life. Every night I still pray for her and for the family. No we have not been to counseling and I suggested it to her and she doesn’t want to. Any other suggestions on what I can do now?

October 10, 2011 at 5:08 pm
(112) Tara says:

Hi My Name is Tara,
My daughter is a runaway. She current;y ran away again a few weeks ago. She began this behavior at age 14 and is now 16. We started a web site to help support teen and their parents with these issues. Is 100% free.

The site is http://www.lexyslost.com you probably guessed my daughter is Lexy.

Thank you for reading this and please visit out site to support our mission. Spread the word to teens and their parents if you support us.
Thanks,
Tara

October 16, 2011 at 2:50 pm
(113) Mystified says:

My daughter was dating a fellow we believed had anger management problems. We asked several times and he would hardly ever come visit her here and showed his anger towards us if we ever requested anything from him. We paid for anger management and he did attend most of the classes. We asked them not to see each other until he finished the anger management, and she did date other young men. In addition to this, we were having arguments with her about mainly her cell phone, and texting all night and during school hours – how can you learn anything if you are texting all day? In any case, we told her we were taking her cell phone away and she left one night late. He picked her up and she is staying with him. We thought the relationship was pretty much over as she had been seeing other fellows. She has been there for over three weeks, has a job and is going to school but still expects me to pay for a grad ring, a grad dress, a trip after school is done (which I have said I would if her grades are 60%, which she has not been able to maintain). She wants nothing from us except for what we will pay for. I guess I should be thankful that she is in school and has a job and doesn’t seem to be involved in drugs, but I am torn up inside. We had a close relationship before that just deteriorated after this young man came into the picture. I guess I just have to cut the ties and tell her that she is on her own and has to pay her own way. Thanks for listening!

October 22, 2011 at 3:04 am
(114) Minecraft Texture Packs says:

I suchlike when you address this write of poppycock internal your posts. Perhaps could you travel this?

October 22, 2011 at 4:56 pm
(115) jammy says:

I am sure that you are a bad mother.
I think you are the one who is suppose to stop lying because kids don’t do that if they have good parents.
I know a case at court the the kid was used and abuse and there are witnesses but because they are family members they refused to say the truth and say that the kid was tortured and really really abused. the Judge didn’t believe the kid and the kid is living a very very bad life because the kid refused to you to the mother. the judge gave the mother custody but the kid still no matter what doesn’t want to go to the mother.I don’t know if they can force the kid into the mother’s house but i think kids don’t make up things if their parents are good.

October 24, 2011 at 7:16 pm
(116) Aiesha says:

These story’s make me feel soooo much better even though it’s still not solving the problem but to know im not the only one going through the same exact thing makes me feel better. WELL my daughter as of right now my daughter is 15 and have ran away 7x and now i don’t know where she is, she’s been missing but well alive for 5 months now. It started off with her hanging with a lil girl who parents had no control over and the child done exactly what she wanted. Iv talked to the child, the parent and it lead to no where and my child accuse me of not wanting her to have friends so that will cause her to act out. Well now my child picked up her friend ways and took them as her own and even further. My daughter flip flopped on me out of no where, i just could’nt understand why all of sudden she act like she hate my guts. She cursed and hit me when i would never in a million years think she would do something like that. She went from sweet to sour and is totally not the child that i raised AT ALL. AT ALL. It is the most hurtfull feeling in the world and she dont want to be helped at all. She turned her back on everybody/family except for her friends. Ive been riding around looking for her, calling everywhere, talking to parents that let her stay with them (a$$holes). I at the same time wana find my daughter and give her a old fashion ass whipping!!!!!!!!!! I think she feels that she has the upper hand and loving it. Ive heard horrible storys of what she do on the streets and its heartbreaking…i dont know what to do !!!!!!!! If she did come back i would’nt know what to do because she has no respect for me at all when she use to be my Angel….she use to love to be up under me up until she got with the wrong crowd. everyone ask her whats wrong because they thin that maybe i have done something to her since she don’t want to be in my presence but she never say anything. i think she has low self esteem problem : (. And this story is only the half!!!!!!

October 26, 2011 at 1:43 am
(117) sj says:

So I’m a 17 year old right now. I’ve ran away from home a couple of times now. The reasons I run away are because I’m constantly arguing with my parents. I never get a break from them. They always press me to do stuff that is not in my best interest. Teens feel like they have their childs best interests in mind, but how can they know unless they are their child? the truth is, that they can’t know. Usually your child will have their own ideas of what they think they want. And maybe they’re right. But if you feel like what you choose as your childs best interests, then let them fall. They’re not going to learn without some errors. But the thing is, that if you are right, and later on, your child gets those same interests, there’s a good chance they won’t give you the credit. They probably won’t even thank you. But don’t worry about it. Cuz you’ll know that you were right.

November 2, 2011 at 5:57 am
(118) mary says:

O Tracy you must be beside yourself with worry. All you can do is pray. The more you tell them not to do something, the more they will want to do it. Obviously this girl is using him, and he is being lured into her web with sex. Hopefully they will not create a baby together as that would complicate things. These kids dont realise that a bit of reckless fun lasting one minute creates alot of problems later. Sometimes all you can do is stand back and hope they come out the other end ok. This girl is a strong influence on him and his age would make him vulnerable. Will keep you in my prayers Tracy.

November 6, 2011 at 7:44 am
(119) Annonymous says:

I’m a 17 yr old and I am turning 18 in about 4 months and me and my parents recently got in a fight. I have my license and I came home a bit after curfew but they knew I was just at a close friends house watching movies but they blew it out of proportion and contacted my bestfriends dad and he wasn’t even there at the time and I am jst so mad that they get other people involved because this ruins my friendships with the people I really care about. I am moving out at the end of this ur to attend uni but my parents are so suffocating and in my face and they get mad about the littlest things and they think I need to obey there rules as they are the authority but I am nearly 18 and I want to be able to make my own decisions they know I am safe so I don’t understand the big deal they just want to control me but I just need space and I need them to let me go because I feel so un happy because of them being so controlling and if they can’t learn to let me go now and treat me like an adult how will I ever be able to move on with out them constantly hassling me, I feel so drained with trying to please everyone and I dont know what to do I just want out. I have been studying all yr I deserve a break but they already ruined my trip to Bali and now probably going to ruin my summer holidays before I move away. Some one please give me advise to help me deal with them it’s doing my head in, I don’t want them to contact my friends everytime I disobey them it is ruining everything an they have no idea how it is effecting me…WHAT DO I DO!? :(  

November 7, 2011 at 4:23 am
(120) A Parent's View says:

At your age, parents start feeling really USED! You not only cost them, but you don’t really contribute without being “told”… then ya give ‘em the I can do what I want attitude.

You really won’t get a clue until you too are solely paying for everything and your own home and are working your hinney off every day and then just having some “flake” not contributing or following any of your rules, using & breaking your things, making a mess, not cleaning up, coming and going ‘wheneva’… just having all the fun at YOUR expense and then giving YOU an attitude!

Parents are just as much people as YOU are… so grow up kid and save, save $AVE to move out in 4 months and see if you can stay out past that “curfew” when you have to get up really early to work all day so that you can afford your OWN place with no curfew… and the flakes eating all your food and having all the fun at your expense and then giving you an attitude and not following the rules of your place after YOU have worked all day to enjoy that cable TV service that you are too tired to watch… or to stare at the empty boxes in the freezer when you go to have just 1 of your favorite ice cream bars that you just bought… and then wake you by coming in ‘wheneva’!

P.S. – Many parents, husbands or wives WORRY when someone isn’t home when they are supposed to be… MOST have the respect, love and audacity to CALL each time that they are going to be a few minutes late as to simply not to worry another! Have you ever ‘waited’ for someone not knowing when or if they are going to show up? 5 minutes can seem like an hour when your ‘waiting’ sometimes, can’t it?!
Good Luck, Stay Safe!

November 8, 2011 at 4:16 pm
(121) Mary S says:

I as a parent Understand where they are coming from, but I also understand where you are coming from as well. You are feeling like you can take care of yourself and that they can trust you. Did you ever sit down with them and talk about everything? As parents we worry about our kids safety, not that we dont trust our kids, but the question is can we trust others? I have a system with my kids, My Son for example will text me when leaving for work or to go to a friends house and then text me when he is on his was home, this helps to develop a time line just in case something were to happen, at least we as parents know where to look for our child, no matter if you are 16, 17, 18 so on. My Son sometimes looses track of time, so if it is 11 pm and he is not home, I dont panic, I wait til 11:15 then text over that I am going to bed soon and Are you on your way home? That usually gets an Oh Crap response…LOL. I hope this next part will help, Sit down and explain to your parents how you feel, and try to also understand that you are their Daughter and no matter how old you are they will always worry about you (and trust me it is nice to have parents that care as much as they do to worry about you, I didn’t realize that until I was 25 or so). Try to set up some guidelines for you as well as them. Just remember this day and age is so different then when your parents were growing up and there are some real creaps out there. Good Luck to you.

November 14, 2011 at 5:21 pm
(122) Debbie says:

I realize from a 17 years old perspective you may think they are suffocating you. All this stems from the communication between a parent and a child…and yes you will always be their child, it doesn’t matter what age you are.

Being a parent is a huge responsibility and no they are not perfect. But alot has to do with how you communicate with them. If you are going to avoid conversation and not share your feelings and heart with them, they will not understand where are you in your life. And they want desperately to be part of your life.

There are no words that I can use that describes what a parent feels when they feel a disconnect from their children. It’s hard to make the right decisions and say the right things that everyone is happy. They want what is best for you. Now a days there are so many children who are leaning towards drugs and drinking and a parent will always worry about their child.

Just because you are turning 18 it doesn’t mean that there isn’t anymore communication. If you want them to feel content and give you more space, the only way you will get that is too talk to them and share with them in a respectful way.

They have alot of years invested in you and in giving you a safe world. That doesn’t change the day you turn 17 or 18. Love isn’t something anyone can turn off and on.

Your parents have been in this world alot longer than you have. They have a different perspective on the challenges and issues surrounding our youth. Until you take the time to understand what they are thinking, you will never understand the reasoning behind their decisions. Why not talk to them and find out? You might be surprised what they worry about.

November 7, 2011 at 3:38 am
(123) Devastated says:

Hi
I’m a single mom of 1 girl and raised her alone for her first 17 yrs. She met a 1st bf who I discovered was a real danger to her life. My daughter and I had such a close bond but out of the blue she went from straight A’s Honor’s to straight F’s, skipping school and lying. So last May I sent her to stay with relatives to finish out the school year to end & keep this drug addict “stalker” bf out of her life. I thought it would be perfect because they are foster parents, have 4 children of their own and live in the next State over.

The real nightmare: Not only did she make up some rediculous crap about me but my relatives turned me into CPS(all was investigated & UNFOUNDED) but then they got a TANF grant(now child support wants over $1,100 mth ‘back-owed’ from me & her deadbeat dad); these relatives said they didn’t want any money for her stay. They manipulated, bribed and lied to severe me and my daughters relationship completely. They bought her a car, assisted her to continue talking to this ‘freak’ bf and told her & I both that she doesn’t have to listen to me and is almost an adult and can make her own choices(what teen wouldn’t want to hear THAT?)!

They took my daughter around to convince family that I’m a horrible parent and monster! Every LIE I proved was false with documents, they would just sling out something new.

I couldn’t get any assistance. By the time I figured out and filed paperwork on my own to get her out of their home, they had hired an attorney and just assinated my character with more lies(all I could do was cry)and they had her Emancipated.

I’m horrified & heartbroken by such senseless & cruel destruction by my daughter and our own family. Yet, I still worry for my daughter most when all is said & done.. obviously my family isn’t going to care when it sinks in to what she did to her own mom.

I don’t even know what the best, right or wrong thing to do is anymore? Try to keep some contact or disappear for now?

November 7, 2011 at 7:13 pm
(124) Mary says:

I can so feel for you, I put a post up after yours, my horror was caused by a brother on a mission for revenge, at my Daughters expense. Stay strong, hopefully she will wake up and get away from everyone and get her head on straight again. Let her have her space and like I found out the Family members will realize after a while what the truth is. I didnt put in my story how my brother tried to destroy my relationship with everyone, but did tell how he tried to ghet my son taken away. oh and now he is threatening to sue me for false repairs on a stolen car……. Its nonsense. Just hold your head high…. You did nothing wrong…. i Know its hard, this has been my hell for 9 months, and there is no end in sight. Don’t blame yourself……

November 7, 2011 at 6:54 pm
(125) Mary Spangler says:

My story started 10 months before my Daughter took off in the middle of the night. I did not talk to my Brother and his family for almost 14 years (we had a huge fall out), My Aunt had passed away (in April 2010) and I ran into my Brother and one of his Son’s… at the Funeral we were cordial, and had mutually decided to bury the hatched finally and let Our Kids (his 3 boys, my daughter and my son) get to know each other. The kids hit it off well, and I let my Kids go and visit with them for a week in July. The kids had a great time, and decided that the boys would come and visit a few times over the next few months, all seemed to be going well, when My Daughter first met them she was just getting out of an unusually bad relationship (where I was tricked into letting him room with my son, and then when i tried to get him out she threatened to run away). My Daughter and I have always been close, and during this time she seemed to be pulling away a little, but i thought it was due to the pressure of being in Cyber School for her Senior Year of high school. She then decided to friend a boy that was in jail because of her ex-boyfriend (Started dating when he got out, I was ok with it as far as she was concerned). During this time I didnt realize my Brothers oldest who was 25 and my daughter(18) were constantly texting on the phone every day and night from morning til night, even when she was doing school work. Well My Daughter was falling behind in school and we got into it about her not seeing the boy she was dating on weekdays, only on weekends so she could get her studies done and graduate (she was a marking period behind). that was the 7th of February, we talked things 0ut and all was ok, we said Goodnight and that we loved each other and that we would have a girls day out on the 8th. That was at 10 pm, at 2 am she grabbed the puppy, a few days worth of clothes and hopped out the window, stole the car and drove straight to her Uncle’s house(4 hours away). Her and her cousin were on the phone the entire time according to the records. I didnt have to get up early the next day so I was sleeping in til 9 am. At 9 am the phone rang it was my Brother telling me my daughter was there. Apparently my Nephew called my son at 6 am and told him to lock the window, close the blinds and not to wake us up or he would hurt him bad, so my Son all upset went to school. After a few days my brother told me she would be home in 2 weeks, we went to see her that weekend, and was confused, she had so many different reasons of why she left, all lies. still dont know why, and dont think we ever will. But needless to say My Brother took advantage of the situation for revenge on the family fall out 14 years prior. He would tell us she needs time to think and that it wasnt a good time to talk (we called every day for 3 weeks), meanwhile he was telling her we didnt call and that we never wanted her, and that we dont care about her. I couldnt function for the first 5 weeks, all I did was cry for her and kept asking myself why? Also the first week My Mom called my Son and told him he could go there if he didnt feel safe, he called his Dad and asked what the heck was going on, he has no clue why she asked these things. Then in March we had a flood in my Son’s room and had to get his things out fast and put a lot in the room she had, you couldnt get to her things at that point, well she gave us an ultimatum of get her her things the following week or have no Daughter at all, we couldnt do it and tried to explain, she didnt want to hear it, she was so cold and had no feeling at all when we spoke…. the person i spoke to i had no idea who she was, she was that cold. Then in April I got a call from Children and youth on my cell phone in regards to my Son, apparently they received a call and were given my cell phone number from the caller… that we starved him and self medicated him and nicotine poisoned him (They tried to say we nicotine poisoned our daughter in February). My Son was sick for a few years and is on prescribed medications, and so I gave them the phone #’s for his doctors and the Children’s hospital and John Hopkins and the Mayo clinic, they all knew my Son’s condition because they were all involved in his case, well 3 days later they called and apologized and said the claim was false, and that my Son is in no jeopardy of being taken away from us(he is now 17). A few months passed and she contacted her Dad and said horrible things of how they have her living, so she came for a visit… too good to be true, In July she called screaming at me then said hurtful things and lies over the text messages, told me i was dead to her and had never been a mom to her (we gave up a new home, car and all to send her to Australia to study, we also sent our Son a few years before to England, as well as family trips every year, sports and just everything). Needless to say we are no longer speaking, I want her things out of here, and now she refuses to come back and get them herself, but wants to send a representative (My Brother) for her items, (I dont want any part of my brother ever again)now I must send her a certified letter requesting a 3rd party non relative come instead. Those people she is with are brainwashing her so bad, oh and her 25 year old cousin has to always be with her, she cant go anywhere alone. She threw away all her Grandparents, Aunts Uncles and cousins for the lies, I don’t know when and If she will ever come back into our lives, I can’t ever forget what she said, she even accused me of having a relationship with her ex because my brother said I did. I have been happily Married for 22 years, and have never cheated on my Husband and would never entertain that idea. She has snapped and My Brother has done so much damage. Question is Will she ever wake up and get out of there and will she ever pursue her career (My brother talked her out of a specialty school who only accepts 250 kids a year worldwide, and she was the fastest ever accepted). I guess I just needed to tell my story and let you all know that your not alone, why this happens who knows. I will always have that hole in my Heart where she once belonged. Thanks for listening…..I Finally know I didnt do anything wrong…

November 9, 2011 at 6:23 pm
(126) Devasted says:

Thank you, Mary. Parenting is the most thankless & disregarded job in the World.

I don’t know any adult in their right mind, let alone family who would encourage & push a kid down such a path of so many heartbreaking regrets that he/she will have only their own self to live with. Trying to encourage, bribe, manipulate & severe a parent-child love is cruel, abusive and NUTS! Lord help them.

May parents be warned of what I wasn’t aware for over 17 years of raising my girl:

1) If you do not have a Custody Order filed in the court of your home State(most States have forms to do your own)… GET ONE! It’s different than just a Child Support Order as custody seems up for “grabs” and you can’t get any police assistance without one!

2) If you do not have a Custody Order, don’t allow your child to stay with relatives/friends without you(note: whoever your child is “physically” with can obtain State assistance for cash, foodstamps & medical without you even being aware or notified… and billing YOU for it later!)!

Our children are the first to KNOW they can do whatever they WANT as our system assists, encourages and trains a new generation to easily violate, disregard, disrespect, lie, cheat & steal… from their very OWN parents most and w/o consequence! You can’t get a colder breed in society with that… no matter how long or much you try to show, teach, care and love them!

*Dear Parents, don’t blame yourselves. Our system only allows 2 Rights as a Parent in this country in today World:

1) You have the Right as a Parent to be held solely & grimly accountable for your child who our systems not only allow but encourage, assist and support them not to follow any legal or moral rule, decision, boundary or anything else you know is right, safe and best for your own child.

2) You have the Right as a Parent to PAY!

Through this nightmare I’ve learned that it is easier to keep a child against their parent’s will than it is to adopt a puppy! No joke!

November 10, 2011 at 6:12 pm
(127) Mary says:

Hi Devastated, I know it is so damn hard to sit back and feel so helpless. I appreciate your response, Last night my Daughter tried to contact us, only to threaten us with Police and pressing charges for holding her things. We are trying to get her to come and get her things, and this is just another way for my brother and her to try to get me to loose my Son, she even said he will have no choice but to go into foster care. I checked with a Lawyer in our state, and she has no grounds for this. All I want at this point is to enjoy what I have left without her threats. Its a shame but had to block the phone, I use it for work and almost had a situation last night where I almost got crushed by a car we were unloading off a car carrier (a dear friend of mine was killed in October on a car carrier). I realized last night that all this grief is not worth it. I need to focus on what I have left. See if you can get some legal counsel to look into your rights, the laws are so messed up, but they found a loop hole if she were still 17. but she just turned 19 and in our state you are automatically emancipated at 18. See if you can get some free advise, or contact a law school….they have interns that are up to date on all these things. I will keep praying for you…..

November 9, 2011 at 7:23 pm
(128) Devastated says:

Let the Tax Payer’s, Public & Parent’s Beware!!

When a completely distant relative that you or your child has not had any contact with(just lost touch) for over 10 yrs prior can just state baseless and fact-less ‘hearsay’ without any proof, documents, order or any parental awareness, agreement or signature to bill over $1100 a month for child support(be SOMEHOW also listed on those papers as my child’s ‘CUSTODIAL Parent’… and myself NON-Custodial Parent) and also then have her Emancipated in a whole other State while you as the only parent(NEVER losing a Parental Right 1) who has beautifully raised your child for over 17 yrs as a single parent w/o even ever any prior incident of harms and are only spending the entire 4 months before they got her Emancipated, to only try to get her out of their home because they are ENDANGERING her… and I cannot get no assistance, nor have any legal recourse of action that simply does not burden and pose even greater penalty, risk and hardships only for me… then something is SERIOUSLY WRONG in EVERY government system that is so negligently supporting or ignoring and who is ALLOWING the stealing and irreparable ABUSE of us and our children without even 1 cause, reason or Right.. is CORRUPT and could CARELESS about the harms brought forth to any one’s children in this Country! These are OUR CHILDREN for Godsake!

I wouldn’t have believed this could happen if it hadn’t happened to me! It’s true… They simply “say”, you horrifically pay… and you are not even allowed to know what they are doing, saying, giving, telling or signing medically or otherwise to or for YOUR child! That’s the end, that’s the result and there is nothing further to discuss. Don’t let your children go stay or visit ANYBODY! Alarming & Cruelly Horrifying!

November 14, 2011 at 2:32 pm
(129) Debbie says:

As the rest of you parents my husband and I have been going through very similar circumstances. My 17 year old daughter moved out 2 months ago.

My heart is broken. I don’t even know where to turn to. My daughter leaves and then accuses us of destroying her life, tries to get a protective order against us. Thank God the judge saw through what was going on and denied it.

All the advice I get is to let go and in time she will come back. Maybe that is all we can do, but it doesn’t stop the heartbreak.

I have 3 children, my daughter is in the middle. My older son is great. He is a large encouragement to me every day. My youngest son who is 15 tells me that she is just using excuses so she doesn’t have to admit that this is her choice, her mistakes.

As a parent it does make you think, what have i done so wrong to be treated like this for my own child. My husband and I have a wonderful home that we have provided to our children, we work hard to give them a good life. But no one could have prepared me for the pain that is caused when a child leaves home. It is like a death in the family.

Normally I am a very strong person, but there is nothing that can ease this. I feel what all you parents are going through.

A parent loves unconditionally, a child doesn’t know what that really is. I pray that in God’s time she will see what love really is.

November 18, 2011 at 7:46 am
(130) Bonny says:

I can certainly relate to everyone’s deep sense of loss, and inability to carry on, as my 15 year old ran away with a known adult felon just over 2 weeks ago. I totally understand the whole array of mixed emtions…grief, dispare, loss, anger, deceivement, deep sadness,where did I go wrong self-blame, and a loss of what to do next. Yes, the police or other essential serves are not helpful…yet another runaway to them!!
Today was the first day that I couldn’t go to work. I am working in a field where I work directly with the public. The stress of attempting to be my usual happy-go-lucky nature has been somewhat intact at the work place, but I just couldn’t keep up with the facade today. SO SAD!!

December 8, 2011 at 9:56 pm
(131) Beth says:

I’m the parent of a 16 1/2 year old boy whom we adopted from another country at 10 1/2. He was adorable but extremely violent with runaway tendencies. We will always love him, but after years of counseling and programs, he has not changed. We can state with certainty that counseling often does more harm than good, and the same with medications. We gave him every opportunity possible, but we also enforced strict discipline/consequences. He verbally abused and threatened us and teachers, destroyed our property, and got into fights. He was federally designated “Emotionally disabled.” We enrolled him in youth activities & sports (he studied with a national champion). The best thing we did was send him to church youth camps and programs. By age 15 he ran away 10 times. We called the police often–and we encourage you to do the same thing when your kid is out of control and destructive. Bottom line, we gave some relatives a simple POA. They did not hold him accountable, but we did not want to upset his schooling. We then learned the relatives were concealing their history of arrests. The head of household was criminally indicted and arrested after our son was living there. When we tried to remove our son, they filed a Dependency lawsuit against us and said that we, the law-abiding citizens, were neglectful. Amazingly, they won because our son likes living the good life in their house of crime. He is constantly suspended and flunking. The judge and Child Protective Services do not care that the father in that household is now facing jail. Our CPS report says there is no abuse or neglect, but we can’t get our child back. My advice: Solve your own family problems without counselors and extended family. Rely on church youth groups that you thoroughly check out. Like us, at some point you may have to let your wayward child go their own way and learn from their mistakes. Cry your heart out, but above all, never stop praying for your child.

December 9, 2011 at 2:02 pm
(132) Aleks says:

You’re just trying to raise her in an americanized type of ways, where you obey, apologize, give in to the mistakes. Your daughter isnt just the type to grow up like that, stop thinking why is she running away and try to understand her. Even More.

December 10, 2011 at 4:00 am
(133) Dereck M UK says:

Teen number 24 said she was 19 and never going to contact her parents. Good for you that you have a job and are at Uni. But – teen 24 – you wont understand the pain you have caused until you have a child and she runs away from you. After time, parental love does diminish and your attitude appears to be rather self rightious. If you had a stable / normal upbringing and just got fed up with your parents / family and ran off with your boyfriend then you will live to regret this immature statement – if they were abusive to your then you of course have my deepest sympathy. There are a lot of years to live past 19 God willing. Think of the song by Mike and the Mechanics and reflect on what you have done.

December 13, 2011 at 5:04 pm
(134) Mo Arif says:

We going through the same problem, our daughter 16 years old and she will be 17 in next couple of months. Finished school with bad grades and joined a school. She had a friend (who I thought was a friend buy turned out to be a boyfriend later) doesnt come from nice family. He made her runaway and now she is living with them. Refusing to see us and continueuing lying about our family. She is continueing sending abusing text messages to me and saying that she has got freedom now. Even I never stopped her to do anything. That family are lazy and greedy. His mother is claiming benefits to support her now. I never claimed as me and wife both are professional people. She has put us in so much stress and we dont know what to do.

December 13, 2011 at 8:42 pm
(135) Rebecca says:

My 16 yr old has been failing all his classes, refusing to do homework, balks at doing chores, and is only interested in friends and xbox. We’ve been struggling for a few years, but it came to a head last week when he left. He went to a friends house; whose mother gives no supervision. No chores are expected from her own kid, homework not checked, and I confirmed they are running the streets at 2am and drinking in the home.
My minister has been working with us trying to mediate and get us to talk.. He doesn’t want to. We set it up for him to go to a local teen homeless shelter to give him a wake up call… The friends mom told my son she’d rather him stay with her than go to a shelter.
I am so frustrated. No help anywhere. School is getting him into counseling, because they bought his BS story of being under so much stress that he can’t come home.
The longer he’s gone, the more emotions I find I can fit into my day. I have an 11 yr old at home who misses his brother, but surprised us saying things are much more peaceful without him.

December 14, 2011 at 9:26 pm
(136) best answer says:

look i’m a 16 year old teen who is not living with my mother anymore and do not plan on going back…i do smoke marijuana but i don’t use it as a drug, its more like stress medicine. my father is dead and has been for all my life ,and my step-father has 5 more years in jail,but i do not want to let that be an excuse for anything. i have never been to jail and do not plan on going and there is nothing bad on my record. i still go to school and plan on attending UCLA when i graduate…i know that having your child run away is not what u want but it will happen, and it could be a good thing but it all depends on how u raise your child. from my point of view the more caged in your kids are the the more they keep secrets from you, and sooner or later they will end up leaving you. just because they leave doesn’t mean they are not coming back…it just depends on their personality and age on when they come back, but trust me they still love you…..

December 17, 2011 at 3:56 pm
(137) Rebecca says:

Update:
My 16 yr old is Coming home! When he ran away because he couldn’t follow the rules, we figured he would be home when he learned his lesson. WE were the ones that had to learn. We brought our son up to be independent, but turned around and wanted to control his decisions(not intentionally). We thought that by allowing him to earn his freedom by going to school and doing his work that we could influence him to take school seriously. The more we pushed, the less he did. The less he did, the more disrespected we felt.
We now realize that we have already raised him. We have given him our values, and we no longer have influence over him… His friends do. To the teenager, it’s all about losing face. If you demand that they are either going to do something/not do something or get punished; their friends get them to think they are a whimp if they don’t push back. As parents, it is hard for us to go from making every decision for our children to making none.
We know our son is a good kid. We now have to let him make his own decisions, even if they seem very wrong to us and we know he’ll regret them later. Oh we still have rules, but they are ones that he can respect and never had trouble following.(letting us know where he is, and a reasonable curfew… And he’s agreeable to the chores even) what we felt we were doing for his own good, he felt was control. He will have to make his own mistakes and live with the consequences .

December 18, 2011 at 4:23 pm
(138) Bonny says:

It’s been almost 7 weeks since my 15 year old daugther ran off with a known 19 year old fellan. Our family have since re-entered counselling as a means of dealing with our giref and daily worries. I have opted for individual therapy, beginning this week, as my husband and oldest daugther appear to be going in a forward momentuum, unlike me who is taking 10 steps back the longer this family crisis goes on. I hope that I can aquire a better coping mechanism, as right now I am a mess. I spend most of my days going to work, as I have to, and coming home in tears. I work in a social type of environment, and the daily need to be friendly and full of beans is becoming unbearable, and very hard to do!
The longer Hannah is gone, the more desperate I have become.Myemotions range from worry, anger, disbelief, felling deceived, where did I go wrong, shock, and then the realization hits again, and I am back into the tears. I am sure I am suffering from situational depression, what Mother wouldn’t!! Christmas will be forever altered, as well as our lives.
Again, runaways come in many individualized packages…some are from an abusive home- life, all different racial backgrounds, and economical status, those that run due to typical family house-rules that they object to, failing in school and fear of parental repocutions, those that have solid family connections, and those that feel unwanted…etc.
We al are dealing with the lost, the hurt and the desperation af knowing where our kids are.
Yes, the local police and other essential services are not in place for us, we get contridicts amounst them, and generally we are on our own to play detective. WE ARE THE ONES THAT HAVE TO BE INSTRUMENTAL IN GETTING OUR KIDS BACK.
Most days I feel numb, living in a fog in some twilight zone, until reality hits,
Hannah has greatly effected not only her life, but all of ours.
a hear-felt and silent prayer to you all, good luck, and God Bless.
Bonny

December 18, 2011 at 6:20 pm
(139) Bonny says:

Beth,
Your family situation with your adopted son sounds so mind boggling,so full of grief for you, and so unlike you ever expected when you adopted. I too adopted my oldest daughter, after 12 years of infertilty, tests and treatments, and then had my daughter Hannah biologically at age 40 ( Carly is now 21, engaged, and a 3rd year Artichecture student) Hannah just turned 15, and is a runaway with a known fellan who is 19. I can relate to your deep loss, pain, and what you have tried to offer your son in terms of treatment. No amount of therapy seems to lesson the pain and the daily anquish that we as parents have to endure. The guilt, the deceivement, the worry, the loss that we feel as Mother’s is simply there..and raw.
I send you a silent prayer of hope, and try your best to get through the Holiday Season…not too feastive for us!!
My situation relates to your story, and I wish you the best!
Bonny

December 18, 2011 at 6:20 pm
(140) Bonny says:

Beth,
Your family situation with your adopted son sounds so mind boggling,so full of grief for you, and so unlike you ever expected when you adopted. I too adopted my oldest daughter, after 12 years of infertilty, tests and treatments, and then had my daughter Hannah biologically at age 40 ( Carly is now 21, engaged, and a 3rd year Artichecture student) Hannah just turned 15, and is a runaway with a known fellan who is 19. I can relate to your deep loss, pain, and what you have tried to offer your son in terms of treatment. No amount of therapy seems to lesson the pain and the daily anquish that we as parents have to endure. The guilt, the deceivement, the worry, the loss that we feel as Mother’s is simply there..and raw.
I send you a silent prayer of hope, and try your best to get through the Holiday Season…not too feastive for us!!
My situation relates to your story, and I wish you the best!
Bonny

December 22, 2011 at 7:11 pm
(141) sue says:

Beth,

We have had our son since he was 15 now 17 1/2. While he always has had contact with his bio family he signed the adoption papers. We were all so excited! But he has been gone since December 4 and moved in with his bio mother (whom claims she is dying). We are very torn on what to do. Do we try to get him to come home (which we did but he rufuses) or just let him go. He tells us he has it figured out and wants to take care of her…………fair enough. We told him he can go see her anytime he wanted just come back and finish high school out. We are devastated but will most likely let him go. The pain will never go away!

December 22, 2011 at 7:35 pm
(142) Khalid's Mom says:

Moms,
As a grown-up runaway teenager, I see both sides of the table. I ran away from home when I was 16,17,and stayed with a man who was 8 years older than I was. I had a son, and as it all ended I left an abusive marriage with a young child to care for. I am now a student in college working my way backwards trying to catch up to the teenager I left behind so many years ago. I now realize as a mother of a teenager that it does not matter what the circumstances are in the home (other than abuse), if the teen decides that rules are something that they do not want to follow….well, they will not follow them. My son left on 12/20/11, and I have been feeling so lost because I know that he has a great home. He has decided that rules are something that does not apply to him, and that smoking Marijuana is not a drug, and should be accepted. I have also tried to have him stay at my mom’s house (who I have become close to as an adult)with the same disrespect. I think that as children we are looking for something that has no set rules… in the homes of others, and as adults realize that there is nothing that we as parents can do to teach our children that even though our homes are not like their friends….both parents, siblings, no rules, drinking, partying, etc. we grow up to realize that maybe the rules were not as bad as we thought. I blame myself as a parent for not knowing where to turn in this crisis me and my son are faced with…but realize that it is up to the teenager how they decide to go, easy path with a future….or a path of sharp lessons that we must learn the hard way. I have belief that my son will call me and ask to return….how I will handle this is another comment. We each are looking for comfort in the stories that we read here, and I want to thank all of you for helping me in my time of who to turn to. I hope that our children are safe and return home with a different perspective on life……as I have grown from a runaway teen, to a run to my mom adult. Thank you all….have a wonderful holiday in peace….and know that your child loves you too!!

Khalid’s Mom.

December 25, 2011 at 1:05 pm
(143) Bonny says:

With Christmas Day upon us, and for all of you parents that are suffering the loss of your runaway (including us) during this Holiday Season, I wish you: PEACE, COURAGE TO CARRY ON, SOLITUDE, COMFORT, STRENGTH, AND all the best in the upcoming New Year!
Christmas certainly has been difficult for me, especially when it is a paramount family celebration. I have tried to chisel out an different Christmas, one that has been a mixed bag of emotion to say the least….tears one moment, then some laughter, followed with disbelievemnt, back to tears, and then numbness…. BUT, with the help of a great Therapist, the grace of God, and my inner strength, I hope that the New Year will bring some happiness back to our world!
I feel some comfort when I have read comments left from runaways who are now adults, now have children of their own, and can empathize and recognize the pain that their earlier decisions had on their parents. I have personally had some pretty devistating life curcumstances that were extremely painful to deal with, but never have I had to face and endure the loss of my runaway 15 year old.
Anyway, thinking of you all, and a silent prayer your way!!

December 26, 2011 at 8:35 am
(144) Bonny says:

Boxing Day is now upon us, and for all of you with a runaway teen as I am, we DID SURVIVE yesterday, and the celebratory season is in full swing. I am sure we are all simply going through the motions, with the thought of our teen remaining in the forefront . My husband and I held hands yesterday morning, and said a prayer for Hannah, wherever she may be. A part of me hopes that she thought of me on Christmas Day, and a huge part of me hopes that she will make a wise life choice and come home. Worry is a moment to moment thing, and the pain seems insurmountable. I hope that I can maintain some strength to carry on. I return to work tomorrow, coming off of three days away from there. I am considering taking a leave of absense. We will see…
Take care all, and thinking of you from afar.
Bonny

December 27, 2011 at 6:25 pm
(145) Bonny says:

Yet another comment…I guess I find this website a sort of comfort in a time of need.
Can any Mother out there going through the same nightmare of losing a 15 year old runaway…: Can you give me any coping ways of getting through the grief and heartache?? My daughter is with me in mid every second of the day, and in my dreams, and nightmares. I have now found out that she and this 19 year old fellan of a so-called boyfriend are indeed living on the streets. My daughter is used to the heat of a home, the warmth of our family’s love and her Mom’s listening ear,,,,her own warm bed, clothes, accsess to a daily shower and her love for body sprays. her love for the fridge and accsess to food,her friends, school, her time with Grandma…..all of this she is living without, and so choose to live without. I just can’t get my head around all or any of this. I would appreciate a listening ear out there that can shead some light on my turmoil,
Bonny

December 29, 2011 at 1:34 pm
(146) Mary S says:

Hi Bonny, This holiday has been hard on me as well. I can feel for you all the churned up emotions. I had a hard time decorating and remembering all the fun times. I found out my Daughter was hurt and may need surgery, and yet my Brother told me I would know if she was ever hurt… he lied again of course. My holiday was filled with another close tragedy that actually made me realize at least my Daughter is alive and living her secluded life. You see my niece (age 24) has 2 children 4 yrs and 6 months old and was crossing the street and hit by a car at excessive speed. She has been in ICU since early December and finally responded with her eyes fluttering and a squeeze of the hand on Christmas Day. Finally upgraded to stable. Sad part is my Daughter lives near where this happened and has still not gone up to see her. I saw a facebook post from her where she wished us all dead…..yeah not so nice… One day hopefully she will wake up, but I was so sick waiting for her, you need to worry about yourself, and just say some prayers for her. I know its hard, but you need to do this for your own well being. God Bless you…..

December 29, 2011 at 1:46 pm
(147) Mary S says:

Hi Bonny, One more thing i forgot to say was that with me it is a little easier now (10 1/2 months later). I do have a son who is now 17 and is graduating and had to remember i had him too, the first few months I almost pushed him and my Husband away forgetting that they are hurting real bad too. You didnt say if you have other children. Just remember that those close to you and the situation are hurting as well, it is unfortunate, but you need to make new memories without her. I also tried to make it work, the more i tried the more she pulled away farther. and now I need to let her have space. She grew to hate me more with the more i tried. Hopefully this helps. I know it hurts like Hell, and I know how it feels to be on the roller coaster….. Mine even came back for a while via phone and then wanted things and turned real fast on us. and talk about hateful and vicious. I wish you well…

December 30, 2011 at 7:29 am
(148) Bonny says:

Hi Mary S.,
Thank-you for reaching out, and sending me a responding posting. I am sorry to hear about your family tradegies, and your neice.Also,it sounds like you are going through the same gamet of emotions as me with repect to your daughter. I have another daughter who is 21, a 3rd year Archetecture Student who is engaged and is getting married next August. We adopted her at birth, after 12 years of infertility, and I had Hannah biologically at age 40. I treasure every aspect of being a Mom, as I had to work very hard in becoming one. Carly, with the grief of her sister, dropped out of university this semester to be home. She couldn’t focus on her studies, was in jeapardy of losing a huge scholarship if she didn’t obtain her A-PLUS average, and also wanted to be home for me. We have always been extremely close, and we have been supporting each other over this ordeal.She is however returning to school after the New Year. I find both my husband and daughter are slowly going in a forward direction, but I am STUCK so to speak. I have been seeing a Therapist the last 2 weeks, who hopefully can show me a different coping style. The grief of Hannah is certainly deep, and I know that I cannot carry on without some help. I also went to my work and I am going to go out on stress leave, as a strong, professional suggestion from the Tharapist. That at least has lifted a tad of my stress level.
Anyway, Mary, stay intouch, and I will do likewise. Your comments and story were helpful!!

December 30, 2011 at 7:53 am
(149) Bonny says:

One last thing Mary….
I feel in my heart that Hannah still has the goodness in her that she always had. I think at her tender age of just turning 15, her so-called love for the twisted fellan boyfriend that she is with, and his strong influence, coupled with her apparent drug use{ found that out after she left} has affected her ability to make wise life choices. At times when I am feeling a bit stronger, I think that the goodness still in her, and her earlier 15 years of living in a intact 2-parent good home, will have some influence in her and bring her home. I know however that she is going to be forever altered by living on the streets, but I just hope that her time as a runaway will not be irrevocable.
Thanks again for corresponding…

January 1, 2012 at 9:05 am
(150) Bonny says:

A new year is upon us…hopefully there will be households out there that will have a runaway son or daugther that makes a wiser life choice, and returns home…then they will have a Happy New Year!! I wish everyone a year of hope,a sense of peace, and some inner strength to continue for their search for their loved one..I am going to go into the new year with determination that I will find Hannah, and that she will once again return to us, albeit a different Hannah, after living on the streets…BUT, I WILL NEVER GIVE UP ON HER!! A silent prayer to you Hannah and I love you dearly!!
God bless us all

January 1, 2012 at 5:20 pm
(151) Mary S says:

Hi Bonny; My post #125 explains my story in more detail. I wish there was a way we could talk, other then these posts, but they will have to do i guess. Your older Daughter needs to get back on track with her studies, My Son was affected bad for the first 4 months, then he was finally able to get back on track. Everyone who knew my Daughter even says this is not her, but time will tell i guess. As for your Daughter I am saying prayers that she will wake up and realize what she is doing. Unfortunately she is at a real impressionable age right now. I hate to ask, but did you report her as a runaway? In my State the parents are responsible for all actions of children under 18, i know in some states its 21, you may need to check that out. You need to protect yourself. The pain will get easier as the days go by, I find myself redoing the house and always on the go, even now I am cooking for a big dinner at 6 pm, I have a friend I met a month after my daughter was gone that has been our rock at times,She went through a similar situation and had a good outcome but years later, and has been my counselor so to speak. We are now the very Best of friends. Remember I will be here for you and I do understand the rollercoaster affect you are going through. Sometimes its hard, but try to focus on your Daughters Wedding, and special time with your husband, that will start helping you heal, and surround yourself with people who Love You and care about you…… And Please do let 2012 be the start of a good year and also a start to the healing process. You can get through this…. always think positive (My boss said it best I guess….. Things may be hard now, but always remember there are those out there who are worse off…….. That has helped me since the summer. Take care and God Bless…… Mary S

January 2, 2012 at 1:09 am
(152) 17 y.o teen who needs help now! says:

I have been pushed back and forth between homes, I got into a huge fight with my dad because he is abusive and controllive. I called the cops on him and they said that they couldn’t do anything because I didn’t have enough proof. And so they sent me back to living with him within 3 months and then I got into another fight with him and left. I am currently living with my grandparents but I don’t think I am going to stay here long. I can’t stand it anymore. My grandma choked me the other day and this whole family is just abusive. I live in oregon and I’m 17 with 11 more months to go uuntil I am 18. I don’t know what to do and I think I’m gonna run away soon. Can anyone give me advice? Thank you

January 2, 2012 at 3:51 pm
(153) Bonny says:

Hi Mary,
Thank-you for encouraging words, and I too would love to e-mail you, and keep in-touch, but I don’t want to leave my e-mail address on this site for all to see. I will think out the best way to get more in-touch with you, other than leaving a posting.
We are about to head out the door for yet another holiday, celebrative event…OH JOY, OH BLISS..so I will leave you another posting tomorrow. I have to sign off now.
By the way, I reside in Ontario, Canada. Hannah is considered a minor by law at age 15, and the police have issued a c-pic, missing persons across Canada BUT they aren’t actively looking for her, as she chose to run, and they feel she is not in any harm. So Sad!!!! Anyway, no the run…Bye for now, Bonny

January 3, 2012 at 7:50 am
(154) Bonny says:

Hi Mary,
Well, the holiday season is finally over, so now I can focus mainly on my efforts of locating Hannah, not in a way that I want to drag her back, but just as a means of reaching out, letting her know that she is readily welcomed to come home, to ensure her safety, to see if she is nouriushed, and not in harms way. That is simply what I want to know, and do.
My other daughter is returning to university thi
s morning to complete the winter semester….a srong sense of loss to see her leave again, but I am pleased that she is returning to complete her year. She is my life-line right now, and has given me so much support and love while she was home. I am so very proud of her, and have told her that many times.
We have to find strength in the smallest siver linings!!! Talk to you soon!

January 4, 2012 at 8:53 pm
(155) Bonny says:

Hi Mary S.
Going to bed shortly, as sleep seems to be the key, when I can get it, to forgetting the pain. I am glad the holidays are over, as I now don’t have to fake the pretense that things are okay. I have a huge support system, a very loving family and extended family whom were all home for Xmas, mainly to support us. I value their caring ways, as they know the level of our grief.I also contacted an agency out in British Columbia, Canada, and talked to a very helpful person for almost an hour. I am at least fully cognizant, resourseful, and making all attempts to get through this dark journey. Yesterday was the coldest day of Winter, and Carly returned to University, so I had the blues.

January 4, 2012 at 8:59 pm
(156) Bonny says:

P.S. to Mary,
Your comments and suggestions to me have been very helpful and caring, so send me off another posting when you have time. I find that you are farther into the recovery phase than me, but please remember that you are in my thoughts and prayers too, and that I wish you all the best in the New Year. Let’s hope our kids make a wiser life choice, and return to us. We also have to realize that their time out there, and the street kids that they are associating with, has had a life-altering affect on them, but that too can be treatable with time, therapy, and a little help from THE BIG GUY upstairs!! Hang in there!! Night!

January 4, 2012 at 9:06 pm
(157) Bonny says:

To the 17 year old who is hurting: Your family situation sounds dreadful, one filled with emotional, and physical pain…a situation the you should, as a child, never have to endure. It sounds like you are really wanting someone to reach out to you…and that’s a step in the right direction. Is there a community place or shelter for kids that you could stay at, or another family connection or friend that you could put you up for awhile?? My heart goes out to you, and it saddens me that you feel you are in a position where you have to run. A big hug and a silent prayer going out to you!!

January 7, 2012 at 9:42 am
(158) Hallie says:

Its taking a lot. But im no dummie for the devil. I know exactly what this is. And it looks real bad right now. But, I remember, Jesus has paid it all, im looking for his glory in this. Im waiting to see him dirty snatch this girl back into relationship with himself, even more purfied then he when the enemy frist tempted her. This battle is not mine, it is the Lords, and I dont take it personel. I remember that Jesus has already paid it all. This one and all the others out there like her, be it girl or boy is in the bag. I decree this thing today in the name of Jesus. And it so. I declar a a turn arund within these kids today. It is starting its final stages today. I speak death to the very root of this thing. I bind it in the name of Jesus. I loose our childrens worship today. Done deal. God wins. And so do we. These kids are going to be something to be recokned with in the Kingdom of God!!!!!!!!!!!!!

January 7, 2012 at 1:02 pm
(159) Mary S says:

Hi Bonny; This week has been real hard here too. Even though I have a Wonderful Husband and Son, I still have this lonely spot in my heart, the spot that belongs to my Daughter. I am being told that in time she will wake up and come back, and my Brother and his family have again closed off all avenues of contacting her. Tomorrow marks the 11 month point since my Daughter took off. This week we go to the recruiter to sign my Son up for the Air Force, he will be going in the Fall, and just the idea that he will not be around for some time is starting to get to me. With the healing process, even now I have my ups and downs, As for your Daughter going back to school….that is Great, and I know you will be talking to her more often especially since Hannah is gone for a while. I hope you can find her and just let her know you are there for her, just dont get emotional in front of her (thats what i did with my daughter and everyone played on the fact that I couldnt function without her, and they made my life more difficult) Just hold your head up and dont let her see you cry… its a part of tough Love, I know its hard, but you dont need the Boyfriend filling her head with the “oh Mom is trying to guilt you into going back”. Even though I know what your intentions are, Don’t give that boy anything to use against you when it comes to her. That was one mistake I made and it exploded to the point that I don’t know if I will ever see her again, they have her Hating me for things I never did. I know in my heart things will work out in time for both you and me, I hope that Hannah comes to her senses soon, and comes home. As for me, this is going to be a long road that I have to travel on day at a time and make the best of what I have left. Remember not to shut yourself off from those around you… I look forward to hearing from you soon…… Mary

January 14, 2012 at 12:30 am
(160) LOU says:

All parents want the best for the child… I have a 16 yrs old daughter ,she raise in the christian way , we have 3 children she is the 2nd one she dont want rules , It happen first time runaway she do something wrong burglary and theft and had a case, chronic runaway, 2 mos ago after the hearing she didnt showed up . We’re looking for her and communicate text messages that we love and care for her, we are here to help and straight the right path of way, explaining what will gonna happen to the case me and my husband will support to renew everythings and we keep praying to strengthen us to overcome this situation , now we get her where she’s staying with the other family she’s in the juvenile now and i will file case for that family if somebody know whaats the case and progress pls share?That family didnt realize the feeling of parents the safety of my child and her education the holidays past by, feelings of our broken heart ,my daughter telling lie that we are abusive parent we are so sad and my older one , feel so ashamed her telling story and disrespecting to us calling bad word for us . We cannot control of everything but god will do and has a purpose. WE just strengthen our faith , that all obstacles in life theres a victory will happen. Our teens they want they choice they will know later on and appreciate everything and they will be parents too God Bless to All….

January 16, 2012 at 8:22 am
(161) Mary S says:

Hi Bonny; I have been looking for your next response. Are you okay? It has been over a week and I know your oldest is back at college, Any luck in locating Hannah? Please respond back. I want to make sure you are okay. I know you feel so down and alone at times, but your not alone….. remember that okay. Hope to hear from you soon….. take care okay. Mary

January 16, 2012 at 4:16 pm
(162) Kim says:

Hi everyone, I need some advice to. my son turned 17 today, he hasn’t lived with me for a year now he lives with his dad. Well he does when he doesn’t run away.
Im so broken and hurt my son is develpomentally delayed and has ODD. I tried for year with dr.’s councelling, behavioural specialists in my home with no success. My son says his fathr beats him then tells the police he lied, he lies constantly, even my mother tried to take him in which he threatened to hit her and smashed a dresser if front of her. He had drugs in my home and police were always here. I have 3 little kids who need me so taking him back isnt an option, but im so hurt he is sleeping on the street or in coffee shops, laundry rooms. How can I not blame myself? his old disability worker said kim you did everything possible. I don’t know why he is doing this, all because he doesnt like school and his father’s rules. today his bday im so brocken and lost please dear god give us a break through

January 16, 2012 at 4:20 pm
(163) Kim says:

one other thing to mention, 3 families took him in to help him, one was his teacher @ school, she rest assured me she worked with kids like this, not even a week and she booted him out due to drugs and issues. doesnt matter where he goes it never works for to long. he has a warm safe home to go to but rather sleep on the street :(
\thx guys

January 17, 2012 at 6:22 pm
(164) Bonny says:

Mary,a posting just for you. Yes, it has been a week since I last wrote, reached out to you, and took comfort in your support.Believe it Mary, YOU HAVE BEEN MY LIFE-LINE!!! I have been very busy indeed. You see, like a mother bear looking for her cub, I have been on a mission, a quest, to find Hannah. In the past 2 months, I have tackled so many services, police depts.service providers and interventionists in all parts of Canada, the U.S.A. and world wide. As you know, I have had so many disappointments, useless contacts with the police, and in general, zero help from the so-called essential services,which leaves most people frustrated, in despair, and they give up. BUT NOT ME!! It would take too much time to go into specifics, but lets just say, I was not willing, even with the monumental grief from within me, to give up my search for Hannah. I will send this so far, and carry on my message to you…You are only allowed so many words per posting

January 17, 2012 at 6:24 pm
(165) Bonny says:

On Saturday, in another city where I highly suspected Hannah and idiot Tim to be in,and with the help of over 500 people out there that have been looking for Hannah, my husband and I ,with a 2 police cruiser escort, found Hannah. Up until that moment, the police had done absolutley nothing for us…gee, they were even astonished that Hannah was even in their city and jurisdiction, BUT I HAD DONE MY HOMEWORK WELL, AND WAS INSTRUMENTAL IN FINDING HER LOCATION AND ADDRESS WHERE THEY WERE STAYING. I was able to talk to her directly, saw that she was alive, hugged her, gave her a letter that I had written, shared many tears together, heard her SORRIES….Hannah looked terrible, looks to have lost at least 20-30 lbs, had chapped lips, pale skin, looked very, very sad. Of course Hannah said she didn’t want to come home, and has choosen a life with Tim. I was prepared for that answer though, albeit hard to hear,but I accomplished my mission, my quest!! I was finally given a window of opportunity to at least see Hannah, allowing me to reach out to her, to let her know that she can always come home, that we missed her, love her although we don’t condone her actions, and for her to at least call us from time to time when she can. She saw our grief, and I just knew that I needed to find her so that she could see our greif-staken faces, and rather than slipping away with Tim when she ran, Hannah now had to take some ownership for her running away, and see us face to face. Mary, I completed my mission, and now I have to begin the grieving process…

January 17, 2012 at 6:32 pm
(166) Bonny says:

My pain is huge, my loss,my missing my cub is huge,but now I am going to pour my energies into healing-not like I have been doing when all my energies have been in my quest to find Hannah. I will still hold onto the hope that Hannah will bottom out and come home, and I know from my newly aquired knowledge of the legal system that I can’t legally bring her home.SO SAD, EVEN THOUGH SHE IS A MINOR WE AS PARENTS DON’T HAVE A PARENTAL RIGHT TO FORCE HER HOME LEGALLY. WOW WHAT A MESSED UP SYSTEM!! ALBEIT IN HER MIND STATE , TENDER AGE OF JUST 15, AND HER SO-CALLED LOVE FOR IDIOT TIM, SHE WOULD JUST RUN AWAY TO HIM AGAIN IF WE COULD BRING HER HOME LEGALLY.With the love of my dear husband, Carly, and my Mom, I am going to begin to grieve and heal, and hopefully in the future, I will succeed in being whole again. I thank-you Mary for all the support that you have provided to date. I wish you peace, solitude, and comfort! Your situation with your daughter and family is so similar to mine. Your son went into the Forces, Carly went back to University, our daughters both fled, and we are now in an empty-nest position,back as a couple with our hubbys with no children to parent on a daily basis. Take comfort in the love of and dedication of your husband, as I am doing. This is not a good-bye letter to you Mary.It is letting you know what has been happening in my world, and I would very much like to continue my contact with you…You, my dear, have been sooo helpful to me. You are one of those kidred spirits that have entered my life, touch my soul, given me so much support during our common grief, and I thank-you, from the bottom of my heart. You are a special person, I am a special person, both whom share a bond, and are dealing with the same crappy deck of cards.OUR RUNAWAY DAUGHTERS. Sure wish I could have met you under different circumstance! Hang in there Mary, and please be intouch soon. With everything going on in our parallel worlds, we can take comfort in our contacts!

January 17, 2012 at 6:41 pm
(167) Bonny says:

Mary S. We have talked about some type of way that we could converse directly, and not on this site for all to see. You can use the following e-mail address.
bandbenterprise@sympatico.ca Be careful of the spelling. Hope to hear from you.

January 18, 2012 at 8:53 pm
(168) claire says:

omg i dont no where to start my daughter of 16 is a NIGHTMEAR I also hv a 11 and 6 year old by her stepdad she has lived with me and her stepdad since she was 2 she has always been a attention seeker but we hv always got by she played up a bit at school but she stayed at school till her exames witch i was pleased with then she started collage at the age od 16 meet the wrong people she has cousled problems with her dads family she dosent wont to live by my and my husbands rules she is in withn the wrong people and into drugs not going to collage i dont no whot to do to help her whenever she is at my house that is when she runs she has a good family and home but that is not whot she wonts she is happy to walk the streets fromn house to house i just wont her to come home

February 7, 2012 at 2:32 am
(169) hurting says:

my 18 year daughter had hit me in my face and try broke my fingers because i had asked her to go and visit her grandmother for the christmas ,and then she walked out the house and never return a phone call. i have not seen her from christmas day. i am a single parent from she was 2yrs old her father was/is not there for her. i did my best for her. she was never short for anything. i put her in college which she attended for about 2/3 months and then left. instead of being in school she just go out with this older guy close to 40 , comes to find out is our cousin, she den moved in with him for a month in march 2011, then his mother asked her to cum back home finding out that we related, she lied and said i abuse her for 18yrs. i had many problems wit her. it hurts to no i was the only one there for her and wanted to do good in life and also want the best for her but thats the thanks i got from her. i only want the best for her and see her become somebody in life. HELP

February 7, 2012 at 11:10 am
(170) Mel says:

I am in MI and I am in your shoes! My son will be 18 in June. He has decided NOT to continue with High School and doesn’t want to live at home. He was on probation but they let him off this past fall WITHOUT him completing his obligations. I didn’t know until it was done (they did it without a hearing) and I protested afterward. His father is no help, and he lives in another state anyway.
My current husband says I need to be positive and not negative….maybe this is what my son needs to get his crap together. He has an 8 year old brother that I have to explain this to at some point. He’s gone so much anyway that the little guy hasn’t noticed yet. I have done everything I can. He has his cell, I know the address he is at (though I don’t know the friend) and I am hoping he comes home. He asked for money yesterday to rent a movie….heck no! If I am sooo terrible to live with….you don’t get play money. My husband brought him some requested clothes, and I packed a care package of ramen noodles, etc. I texted him that the door is open. Guess now all I have is a wing and prayer.
Thanks for listening all.

February 9, 2012 at 9:02 pm
(171) Mike says:

Wow another parent unable to explain where his/her child goes when he /she runs away.

Hmmm… but she’s so good at this and that and then she falls in with the wrong crowd and everything goes bad. That’s my mom to a T.

It really sounds to me that you need to take an inventory of how well you know your daughter. My guess is you can’t express her dreams or fears for her life over the past couple of years (teenage dreams and fears change constantly).

I am guessing she is trying to tell you she’s growing up but you still see her as a toddler.

Now, since she feels can’t talk to you (or in her mind you won’t/don’ listen; she latches onto people you don’t approve of – not because you don’t approve – but because she needs someone to know who she is and it doesn’t matter to her who it is because in her mind YOU DON’T CARE ENOUGH TO TALK TO HER ANYMORE.

Its a never ending cycle – Tough love – jail – kicking the kid out won’t solve the problem.

You need to sit down with your daughter and get to know her again.
Conversation rules – no judgement absolutely no negative tone no yelling. You must listen and ask questions to understand your child again. This is a time for sharing your hopes and fears too. She is ready to see the world for what it is let her know you still want to know if her favorite color changes, or if she has a crush on someone, or if she feels blue. She wants to know its ok to make mistakes and she wants someone to help her get back up if she falls – without judgement – but a good joke about it would help her mood.

You might think you are a good parent but unless you can say with 100% certainty that you know your child’ dreams and fears and sit down and talk to your child at least daily 1:1 then you are only an OK parent..

Do it now or risk never knowing her.

February 10, 2012 at 1:09 am
(172) pain says:

Lazy sith komentatuz tendancy izan ditut, baina i maite zure blog eta i Maiatza baita esan zuzena orain.

February 16, 2012 at 7:22 am
(173) website says:

3 ice

February 16, 2012 at 11:53 am
(174) Bonny says:

Mike,
I have been on this site several times, the Mother of a runaway 15 year old. She is out there with a known 19 year old criminal, who has totally brainwashed her thinking, and to me, he is just as bad as a sexual preditor. I can appreciate that everyone is intitled to their opinion, but I felt that you were too blaming to that Mother, who I am assuming has already blamed herself…we all blame ourselves initially when we are going through our grieving process. We do our very best to be good parents, and provide a loving and safe haven for our children. I think that poor lady does not need to hear any further comments, and let her simply grieve, and take comfort in this site! We are living a living Hell in our recovery, and support from others in paramount.

February 17, 2012 at 6:13 pm
(175) candis says:

thank you bonny. @ mike i dnt think you no how it feels because i guess its not happening to you so how can u say dat? because i dnt no why desipient peopl like you make comments. if you have never experience sumthing y commenting, i no my daughter, its just company and dnt wants to obey rules.

February 29, 2012 at 7:45 am
(176) Alexandra says:

I left my mom’s home at 17 too. I returned for a couple months sometime when I was 20, but the same problems that made me wanna escape that place at 17, made me run for it once again at 20 and never return since. I’m close to 30 now, and now I know I did what was best for me. The environment with her was so toxic, and I’m still in therapy for all the trauma those years with her have caused me.

Teenagers don’t just run off without reasons. This letter sounds like the mother is absolutely certain of her righteousness. When you are sure you are right, there’s no way you can see what you do wrong.

March 12, 2012 at 3:43 pm
(177) Mary S says:

Alexandria, Unfortunately Teenagers sometimes do run off for what they thought was good reasons, and then they realize the reasons were not as their mind made them out to be. After 13 months, I have finally packed my Daughters things, while packing, I came across all of her Diaries and Journals, (I was curious what she had written, because we still dont know why she left, and the lies she has told I think she needs to keep them up to give herself an excuse to stay away) and to my surprise was a letter to her Dad and Me, In that letter, she spoke of all of the wonderful memories we shared, and how she never wanted to hurt us, and how she could tell us anything, she even blamed herself for giving us no choice but to have her boyfriend move in. She did say that she was in fear of him and didnt know how to tell us, and that her cousin and Uncle (that she had only just met) were going to hide her and protect her)…. well that Uncle did more then protect her, he filled a confused young womans head with a lot of ficticious stories (he is BiPolar and has Aspergers syndrome and his immediate family lets him believe all his lies). My Daughter Hates me now for things that never ever happened….. and she has been convinced that they did happen (I forgot to say my Daughter is Bi Polar as well and he convinced her to stop taking her meds)… My only hope is that one day she will move away from them and ket her Grandparents and all relatives back into her life, and then maybe she will finally realize what has happened. I will always Love My Daughter, and in time I hope that we can once again be close, but for the moment all I can do is say prayers that she is okay. So please dont be so quick to judge everyone, there are so many circumstances that may not be known. My Daughters journal has shed a lot of light on how she felt, and I know that underneath all this she does Love us…….. as We Love Her.

March 12, 2012 at 3:52 pm
(178) Mary S says:

and one more thing, She did also talk about the future in that journal, and what she had written included her Dad and Me, as well as her brother. Not only was all communication blocked from us, they also blocked all her other relatives, and they have her living in the basement with only 1 door to get out and a small 8 x 14 inch window…… dampness gets to her since she has a bad back, and they have her convinced its normal. She has no outside life there and even though her Ex is in Jail for 5 – 10, they still have her thinking he is out there and are keeping her in fear. Now thats not normal,. and since she is now 19, there is not a damn thing anyone can do except hope she moves on and gets out of there and away from them. We tried to go there and the police were called and my brother almost pressed charges….she wasnt home to see this. So please dont think all situations are like the one you had. We are a normal healthy and close family, not only me speaking but my 18 year old and everyone that knows us.

March 16, 2012 at 5:06 am
(179) a mom says:

Alexandra, some teens don’t want to follow rules and that is a reason they run away. If a parent doesn’t want a child to smoke, drink, come home late, bring friends of the opposite sex home, steal etc, the parent has to put down some rules or the kid can’t stay there. It has nothing to do with “righteousness”, it has to do with boundaries. Yes, there are some parents who handle the whole situation wrong and if it is dangerous for the kid then it’s different, but many of these kids just don’t want to follow the rules and don’t care what their parents think. Honest, I think the best thing for some kids is to be kicked out, but the law panders to them because they don’t want to deal with them either.

March 16, 2012 at 5:18 am
(180) Bonny says:

To the mom who did the last posting, hats off to you, as your comments were right on the mark! Yes, some kids won’t tolerate the rules of the house, and parents are obligated to make sure their kids do not sway outside the boundaries. These are just common sense house , zero tolerance rules, such as do not come home drunk, don’t do drugs etc. It’s not as if parents are setting certain rules that are designed to piss their teenger off. They are just morally instilled rules that a child needs to apply in their day to day living. It is so true, as I have found out with my 15 year old runaway daughter, that legal laws pertaining to runaways, are so not carried through by the police. A 15 year old is a minor, but the police won’t deal with the situation, yet a parent can’t legally kick their child out, if under the age of 18!!! An oximoran indeed!

March 19, 2012 at 7:04 am
(181) jasmine says:

My daughters were taken from me last year. My 12 yr old (at the time),13 now), thought she was going to her aunts wedding with her father who said he would be bringing her home a week after, instead he filed an emergancy ex parte hearing. He was granted sole custody of her a month later because of his petion of lies. My eight year old daughter was taken by cps several months later because I was in jail for 9 days and they said It was because I didnt provide a place for her to stay when i was arrested. but I had previously drawn up two written signed and witnessed documents, one with a close friend, and one with her father that stated if and when I go to jail, they wher to take temp. care of her until i got out of jail. Please keep in mind that i am a single mom whose raised both my children since their fathers left when they were two. I never kept either one of them from their fathers who only came to see them maybe 3 times a year. My children want to be with me just as much as I want them to be with me. my 13 year olds dad wont even let her talk to me on the phone. she fights with him constantly because she wants to come home. she doesnt understand why her father took her from me. shes become depressed. because of my open case with my other daughter who is going through the same thing, I cannot re file for custody yet. Or can I ? because yesterday she ran away from her father. and he believes shes coming to me and I think he is suggesting that I kidnapped her. She has not called me or tried to contact me yet but if she does or if she shows up I dont want to have to give her back to her father or call the police for them to return her because I know shell do it again and maybe wont make it home next time. I need to know if there is any legal way I can get custody of her again before any of that happens. please help me.

March 20, 2012 at 12:16 am
(182) Mary S says:

Jasmine, Call a Family Law Lawyer, they give a free consultation usually over the phone, explain the whole story and if there is a way, they will be able to help you, and if you need to retain them, they usually make payment arrangements…… I wish you the best……

March 22, 2012 at 9:45 am
(183) sovrnma says:

Hey I definitely know what you are going through. My daughter keeps running away too. She been gone for the last 2 nights now. I feel the same way you do. I work, I go to school & I attend a fellowship that helps me stay clean. I am very active & my daughter hates me for it. I try with her all & its never enough. I know I did the same thing as a kid, but my home life was no where as good as what my kid has. I don’t beat on her & that is something I know my mom did when I was growing up. I just don’t understand or know what to do. I feel like just washing my hands of it all with her. Sad part is I’ve only had her in my personal life less than a year. I’m sure most of it is her own resentments to me. Anyhoo I pray everything works out for us both. We most keep doing our daily routine & striving to live. Cause I know no matter what my life goes on. I’m not dead yet, just a lil hurt.

April 18, 2012 at 8:20 am
(184) Bonny says:

Wanted to offer a glimpse of hope for all those parents that are highly stressed, are grieving, and going through the traumatization and pain of a having a runaway child. As you may recall, my daughter Hannah ran away with her 20 year old convicted fellon for the last 6 months. Shecalled me in tears 3 weeks ago, finally making a better life choice and to come home. My intentions of my message is to offer a glimmer of hope to those out there that don’t ever give up your search. Sometimes good things finally do happen to good people. Our road of recovery will be gradual, will take time, and great efforts on all family members. The day of return does not bring final closure. All medical, psychiatric, assessing mental health issues etc needs to be put into motion.Family counselling is a must. Hannah came home with head lice, bed bug and flea bites covering her entire body, poor malnutrion, laso 40 lbs, looked defeated, warn out, and empty. With the love and solidification of our family, I am confident that we will recover. Hannah is very loved, and knows we are all here for her. She has profound anxiety disorder and severe clinical depression, and has been totally manipulated by her idiot boyfriend. Think of it as being in a cult for 6 months BUT she is trying, and we will get there one day! NEVER GIVE UP ON HOPE!

April 18, 2012 at 8:32 am
(185) Bonny says:

P.S. to the above; I view our daily gains and baby step forward momentuum as almost a rebirth. As with a new baby, we relish on the first hug, the first sounds of laughter, the first I LOVE YOU’S,the first family happy outing, the first restful sleep, the very presense of when you bring your newborn home! I have silently been observing the forward changes, the ri-kindling of a sisterly bond, the first time Hannah called a friend, coming to me for a hug, the first time she initiated a hug to her dad etc, and I am thanful to have the chance to rebuild our family. I never gave up on Hannah, never lost total hope, and I fell we have been given a new chance. Perhaps our lives have indeed been altered, I am remaining positive that our family can chisle out a new, yet improved lifestyle. No blame is brought up, all remains the fact that we are all working our hardest to ensure Hannah gets through the tarnsition of being back home, Thank you for the gift Hannah!! I have told her it feels so good to have new pride for her, and will go to any extent to help her, us,. through this phase of our lives.

April 18, 2012 at 4:30 pm
(186) Bonny says:

One last message, dedicated to my new best friend Mary M. who I met months ago on this website, and who has whole heartedly reached out to me and helped me throughout our ordeal, as I have tried with hers. She is truly a friend for life, also going through the loss of a runaway teen. This website is designed for people to find support from others going through the painful reality of coping with a missing child. Through our darkest hours, Mary and I have sent each other endless e-mails, as we now corrrespond through e-mails, as opposd to these citings. One day Mary and I will meet,,we are not that geographically apart,,,well kninda… hug each other dearly, two grieving mothers reaching out to support each other when things got really, really tough! I hope others can benefit from their postings, and realize that it’s a harsh reality, that this is happening in epidemic proportions, and when all so called essential serves are not there for our families, stupid as we all know it is, we still have to network to keep our sanity, and to help lessen the endless pain and frustration. We as parents have to maximize our continued efforts to find out kids, or it won’t be done, despite our total grief and desire to curl up in a ball and give up. Who ever developed this so valuable wedsite, hats off to you!!!

April 20, 2012 at 9:41 am
(187) Denise Guide to Parenting Teens says:

Thank you. You made my day! ~ Denise

June 18, 2012 at 11:54 am
(188) ELIZABETH says:

My 17 yr old son (will be 18 in October ran away on June 13, 2012 with his girlfriend. I had put this kid thru military school he graduated from high school there got a scolarship when he got out he enrolled in college with his scholarship I got him a car he did so well for about there months we had a great relationship ( I thought) then he met this girl who a month ago tried to kill herself she was in a mental hospital for 3 weeks is now on medication she is only 16, she has been in foster care in and out. And now my son is gone . I cant bear the pain of loosing him. I dont sleep, dont eat I have an 9 yr old girl who I am ignoring cuz I cant bear the pain I just want him to call me and let me know he’s ok How do I get by each day each minute without feeling this way. Iam a gud mom a single mom Pls tell me how to go on everyday with out knowing where he is or hows hes doing?

June 23, 2012 at 9:44 pm
(189) Mary S says:

Hi Elizabeth, I wish I had a sure cure for you, but unfortunately it is a difficult situation, first did you contact the authorities in regards to him being 17 and a runaway?…, and at this point you still have rights as a parent (When they hit 18, you may be responsible for his actions, but cant do a darn thing to get him home). If I understand this correctly, you have no idea where he is? Definitely contact the authorities (in some states when they hit 18 they can be charged with kidnapping of a 16 yr old). As for getting thru the days and not shutting your 9 year old out, you need to keep yourself busy, cleaning cooking, fussing over your daughter….. start a project with her, something special for you and her to do only…. I know it will be hard, as your Son will be on your mind…..(Even if you need down time to gather your thoughts, put a movie in and watch it with her). The first month will be the hardest, after that it gets a little easier, yes the gut wrenching pain will be there for a long while and the Why did he do this, and the what did I do wrong will also be there for a while……. and when and if he contacts you, remember dont give his the riot act, try to be compassionate to his feelings and talk rationally (If you go off on him he will run farther). For me it has been 17 months (My original post is #125)…. and trust me it gets easier over time….. wounds will heal to a degree. What saved me from shutting out the ones I love the most was keeping busy, and a major project that kept us all involved and got us so close.

June 23, 2012 at 9:44 pm
(190) Mary S says:

Remember your Daughter is confused of what is going on….and you dont need her blaming herself for him running away and for you being so depressed and crying all the time….. she needs you to reassure her she did nothing wrong, and she needs you to be there for her as well. Sit down with your daughter and ask her what she wants to talk about and try to explain that he needs some time to himself and that you both did nothing wrong……. Set up crafts to do…and take time for play dates with her. Most important DO NOT shut your family out (I did that for 5 weeks and did not realize that i was pushing the most important people to me away). Remember she needs you to be strong…. and you need to try to collect yourself and keep it together, there is time when she is sleeping that you will cry for him, but she doesnt need to see that right now. You can get through this…. I will keep checking back for a response…. but please keep your family close and keep an open support system in place. Please drop me a note soon……God Bless…………. Mary

August 16, 2012 at 10:55 pm
(191) Gary says:

First things first !! If you know her where abouts you should report her to the police for stealing !! If you don’t do this you are letting her down , she needs to know this is the law and if you don’t abide you will go to prison (consequences) !! Secondly , with that attitude and at that age , let her go. It has to happen sometime , there is no right/good time for this to happen , it always ends badly or sadly no matter what age. Yes it hurts , just grit your teeth and wait for the hurt to pass (it always does). In time she will go through all the same things with her kids and only then will she realize !!

August 17, 2012 at 8:47 am
(192) Bonny says:

Again I post my thoughts:
This site is a venue for parents to seek support, to speak openly about their personal stories, to vent their emotions, and to be heard. To be in a situation with having a runaway son or daugther is grooling, heightenly emotional,.an unreal living nightmare! I have lived this nightmare, and my heart goes out to those who are presently living it! Sometimes people post rather blunt notations that I find to be not helpful for an already grieving parent to hear. I hope that people can at least be aware of the intent of this website…a source of comfort for parents…not a website designed to add more negativity to an already grief-stricken Mom or Dad! I ask that you be more sensative to those that are suffering with the harsh reality of a runaway teen. Thankyou!

September 20, 2012 at 2:29 pm
(193) Misty says:

To all of the other parents who have posted here, thank you from the bottom of my heart! My 17 year old daughter has left home after i caught her doing drugs in my home, inviting strange men and all of her friends, etc. The most recent incident (which happened while i DARED for ONCE to use vacation time for myself and my spouse to go out of town), was kind of the straw that broke me. She had strange men, multiple friends, drugs, etc. in my home while i was out of town. This is out of her character, but lately i have had more difficulty with her attitude, disrespect, lies, filthiness, just bad in general. I believe that she planned this. And, despite the fact that it has completely shattered me, i do in fact know that i AM and have been a good mother. I have sacrificed for her, done without, worried for her, etc. I love her with everything in me, but the continuous manipulations and lies is not something i will live with (and i explained that to her numerous times to no avail – she still did what she wanted anyway). I will not apologize for MY rules for MY home – EVER! She is convinced that she is capable of taking care of HER life (at the ripe age of 17). I have chosen to step back and let her figure it out. I know that at some point (after she takes a few lessons at the school of real life), she will come to her senses and want to contact me and be somewhat recognizable again. Until then, i will focus on positive things in my life. This forum has been most helpful. Thank you all!

October 15, 2012 at 12:46 am
(194) Single Mom of 2 says:

I have 15 year old and a 13 year old daughters. My 13 year old just spent Thursday thru Tuesday on psychiatric hold due to dangerous behaviors (caught trying to run away) I took her cell phone away from her because her grades are failing was an honor roll student until this year. She waited until I was asleep picked my pockets took my keys, got into my locked foot-locker and stole her phone back and some money. She lies, sneaks, and steals.
No sooner than she got home from hospital I noticed my ipod was missing and confronted her about it. She insisted she didn’t have it. My 15 year old was on skype today on the computer (which is in direct view of my easy chair at all times, they hate it but I can usually catch them in stuff they shouldn’t be doing anyhow the 15 year old noticed an update in the 13 year old’s skype profile) I immediately confronted her about it because my ipod has skype. She attacked me, hit me, bit me twice on my hand and took a chunk out of it this afternoon. And now she is threatening to tell anybody who will listen to her that I am an abusive parent if I don’t give her what she wants. In fact she was screaming at the top of her lungs while she was attacking me and hurting me “oh God stop hurting me Abuse Abuse!” I shouted out in pain as a chunk of skin was being bitten from my hand (wonder what the neighbors thought) the cops didn’t come tho.

October 15, 2012 at 12:47 am
(195) Single Mom of 2 says:

My 15 year old has been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and has been having panic attacks because of her sister. The 13 year old has a diagnosis of Oppositional Defiance Disorder. I have been the firm but fun mom, liked in my community by parents and kids alike. I always look after all the kids in the neighborhood (walking the younger kids home who are afraid of bigger kids etc…) She is threatening to hurt me again or to lie about me to get her way. She is so manipulative and controlling and it is driving my family apart. We have had counseling and all because of the 13 year old this is where the diagnoses on both girls came from. She won’t participate because according to her we are all wrong and she is right just misunderstood.
She has been caught sexting too, when I got my ipod back she was texting some guy in AZ we are in OH and it read like a bad porno script. I NEVER let them go anywhere with anybody I do not know and trust. She says her “friend” told her how to text like that and encourages it. Which “friend”? Where was I?? Where did I go wrong??? I do believe in tough love, I believe that everybody should learn from their mistakes, but at 13 she doesn’t realize how dangerous her actions are to her and those around her or she doesn’t care.
I took pictures of the bites my hand and informed her I would being going down-town tomorrow and filing unruly against her and show them my hand and the pictures of when it wouldn’t stop bleeding. I told her that she deserves to have assault charges pressed against her. She says “okay but the system will be on my side” WTF!!! What can I do? She wants to run away to AZ to be with her “bf”. I don’t even know how old he is, some guy she met on the internet on somebody’s phone at school (I most certainly can not control internet that way now can I?)
Advice?

October 15, 2012 at 5:36 am
(196) Bonny says:

To The Single Mom: Todays day has, unfortunately, brought on a whole new list of challenges for our teens and concerrently for us when it comes to parenting! How things have changed since we were 15!! My advise to you, for what it is worth in terms of charging your daughter legally for the bite marks,is to make sure you don’t make a decision hastily and in anger-albeit that you are feeling hurt and emotionally scarred. Make sure you are ready to face the legal consequenses also, because sometimes this adds further stress on the family unit. I would recommend professional counselling. This is the route that I took when our daughter Hannah ran for 7 months. We also continued counselling after she returned, plus I went for individual help in dealing with my grief. My heart goes out to you, and I hope that you do explore the option to get professional help. Sometimes we are too subjectively involved in the situation, and that we need a third party to vent and open up to. GOOD LUCK!!

October 15, 2012 at 8:12 am
(197) Single Mom of 2 says:

She has been to behavioral counseling, was assigned a psychologist while in hospital and she has a person coming to the house to counsel her and one to the school. She refuses to cooperate at all. She is right and we are all wrong. The teachers are out to get her, I hate her, and The world just doesn’t understand and we should conform to her will. She has stated all of this. What the hell kind of thought process is this one? I calmly told her then when a crowd is pissed at you, you misspoke. A person bent out of shape was probably a misunderstanding. Tried to put generalization in perspective, she wanted to know why the crowd wasn’t paying attention to her.
She is violent and out of control. She threatens to run away if I don’t cave. I don’t cave. I stand firm and so now she is threatening me with crying abuse, the “I can live somewhere that isn’t so controlling and will let me have my friends the way I want to have my friends.” Is what she pulled after she attacked me. That is why I am considering filing. Before she really hurts herself or another person.
While I was being attacked it took every single ounce of strength in my being not to punch her in the mouth to get her to let go of my hand when it was bleeding. I yanked her hair hard enough to throw her balance off and she had to let go falling. I have scratch marks on my arm too where she came after me screaming and acting wild. Bi-polar was indirectly ruled out, depression ruled out. Trying to get somebody to take her blood for a drug test. She will not do the over the counter one I bought. I have done everything I can possibly do, but I have another kid to consider as far as her safety too.
Never abused, never spoiled, she is a self righteous little whatever that thinks she is entitled to a hand out if she wants something.

October 15, 2012 at 8:52 am
(198) Bonny says:

Single Mother: Sounds like you have gone the route of counselling, and even to have a person to come to the house. It sounds like things have really esculated to the full-blown stage, and that something needs to be done, especially when you suspect that she is on drugs and refuses to be tested for that. her brain is obviously being warped by the drugs, and that she is not the 15 year old that you knew.
It amazes me that they didn’t keep her in the hospital under watch. Did they offer you any type of community servce help when she was discharged?? Perhaps this has to hit the legal system for any type of change to occur as this is definetly at a crisis point. I also think too as you mentioned that you have a 13 year old that is viewing all of this. She is I am sure, frightened, confused, and looking to you for support. Perhaps it is best for your 15 year old to be placed in a residential treatment certer, or in the care of police,,,something need to shift in the current situation.Not sure where you are located. Maybe in the Sates. I am in Canada, and we have treatment centres, or temporary foster-care services for crisis teens. I fell that she needs to be removed, as you are at high risk of a huge domestic-violence altercation!! Hang in there, and try to call some of the teen emergency hot-lines, that are equiped to offer you crisis suggestions.

October 15, 2012 at 9:56 am
(199) Single Mom of 2 says:

You had it backwards, the 13 year old is the violent one and the 15 year old is the one stressing over it. She (no matter what her counselors tell her) feels like she is the big sister and should play protector and blames herself for her little sister taking the wrong path.
My 15 year old is mature, respectable, honest, caring, published author and artist, and usually fun to be around (hey she is a teen after all). Already has earned a letter-man award in her sophomore year in high school, has tuition credits earned from academic achievements to Toledo University to the tune of $4,000 and has had interest from Columbus College of Art and Design already. She has ADD but learned to cope with no meds, has anxiety disorder but until recently has learned great coping skills to not have full blown panic attacks. They have both been seen at the same center for counseling.
The 13 year old, I dunno maybe she feels like she will never measure up for some reason to me and all of my awards and accomplishments through life and her sister’s published art and poetry. I tried so very hard to raise her to believe in herself and try her best at everything she does. Provided a loving and safe atmosphere, I have been looked up to by the neighborhood kids because I watch out for all of them too.
Now she wants to hurt me, run away, and wish herself dead. I live in Ohio and I have been on the phone since yesterday with everybody I can think of. The police don’t want to take a report because she is only 13 and tell me that due to her age I am ultimately responsible.
Raised them both the same way…. firm, loving, and caring. It payed off with the oldest one. It’s like they aren’t even related any more.

October 15, 2012 at 12:00 pm
(200) Bonny says:

Single Mom: I am about to head out for the afternoon, but came on the PC for a minute and saw your last posting. Sorry I got the girls mixed up. It sounds like you are certainly pulling in the resourses, and are even on this website looking for help, as this site is full of testimonials from other parents dealing with their teenage kids, and family issues. Again, my heart goes out to you, but I am not sure what other resources are available to you in Ohio. As for police action, I am blantanly awhere that they are no help when it comes down to the crunch of things. Their Moto is to serve and protect, which is sheer irony, as they are far from it. The police don’t want to deal with family issues, such as a runaway daughter which was our case. They simply put it back on the family.Anyway, I am stupped for immediate suggestions. Perhaps someone else will see your posting, who has gone through a similar situation?? Hang in there girl, and it sounds like you have put 100% into your girls, and have done your very best to date. Don’t get caught up in self-blame like we all do when things go wrong! I wish you the best…I wish I could be more helpful, but if you need to vent, I can always listen.

October 15, 2012 at 6:17 pm
(201) Bonny says:

One last comment Single Mom: I am sure you have tried this approach, and to no avail, but have you openly sat down with your troubled gal, and simply told her all that you relayed to me…that you have tried your best,, have always treated both girls equally, have been so proud of both of them, but now you are at a loss as to what to do. It sounds too that they have both been seen at the same Centre, so can they be a viable resource to you in terms of being in crisis. Don’t give up until something drastic happens! You are definetly in crisis, and it is up to us as parents to plug into any resource out there. I made it my main mission in life to locate my daughter when she ran as a 15 year old runaway, with a 21 year old known fellon.My story has finally had a happy ending so to speak, but I have the emotional scars still that will never be forgotten. Keep up your fight girl! So called essential services are NOT THERE FOR YOU. You need to do the groundwork yourself.I myself was like a mother bear looking for her cub, and believe me, after 7 months on the run, Hannah came home with so many issues that needed to be addressed. It was like she had been in a cult-like environment. I can now say she has come a VERY LONG WAY!! Don’t give up, and all the very best to you, and YES, BAD THINGS UNFORTUATELY DO HAPPEN TO GOOD FAMILIES!

November 26, 2012 at 11:08 am
(202) Mary S. says:

Single Mom of 2, I have not been on in a while, and just finished reading all the posts. I have a 20 year old now that ran away 2 years ago, made up a lot of stories and tried to make me out to be a horrific parent, even tried to get social services to take my son away (All found out to be false reports, and my Son did not get taken). My Daughter was a lot of what your 13 year old is, except, I had my Sister living with us, and a lot of things were kept from me. My Son also had this uncontrollable twitch with his sister around, after she left, he started to calm down and the Twitching stopped, the night sleepwalking also stopped (He would get up and have an argument while sleeping almost every night), I had done years of therapy with my Daughter, and only after she left, and they released the records to me, I was shocked to read that they had a premature diagnosis of Bi Polar 2 disorder along with a few other things. Although she was 18 when she bolted I couldn’t do anything about it…… so she is now off on her own agenda without any help ……. maybe one day, but i am not counting on it. In her chart was a suggestion of long term commitment, and or possibly being removed to a foster family that deals with kids with these disorders, I am only saying this to you as a possible route for you with your 13 year old. Also, where is her Dad? and is he in any way possibly influencing her to escalate things? Another thing is you must find a way for your 15 year old to relax so that things with her can calm down. You are not doing anything wrong, just like me, I have a wonderful son who is now in the Air Force….I did something right, even though my daughter has chosen an I did nothing wrong path and that all her bad choices are My Fault…… dont think so……. Try talking to someone in children and youth, maybe they can offer some advise…… good luck to you

January 2, 2013 at 6:09 pm
(203) Tanzannia Tate says:

Hello. I have a 14 yr old son and and 16 yr old daughter that are both habitual runaways. We live in the inner city and they claim to be in a gang as well. They too go around telling lies on me but the bottom line is that they don’t want to follow my rules and they want to be grown. I have been to my local juvenile center and the most they would do is file them as runaways. It is REALLY sad but once these teens get to a certain age, they are going to do whatever they feel and its not much as parents that we can do. My advice is to let go and let GOD!!!

January 22, 2013 at 2:15 pm
(204) Anna says:

I’m a teen and mst of the time if a parent is making the kid wash dishes every day without a break during the week we start to think you are just using us. It is very stressful trying to balance school and or a job on top of house chores.

April 1, 2013 at 5:33 pm
(205) beck says:

It is 6 am and my daughter has spent her first night out of the home. I can only say I am heartbroken. It is not the first time she has tried to do this but the police normal locater her and bring her back. She was seeing psychologist 6 months ago and I could finally see her turning her life around. She wanted to get a job and the psychologist and I thought it would be a good idea and we thought it would help her grow as a person. A friend of hers at school worked at a local shop and she got a job through knowing her. She stopped seeing the psychologist before christmas because the psychologist was connected with university. She had her name down to see a psychologist again but we are still waiting… the girl who help get her the job is 13 and she is she had the freedom to do whatever she liked – this girl is sexual active and takes photos of herself and sends it too older men and in the last 3 months she has had 16 boyfriends. She tells my daughter to have a fight with me and then take off which she does. My daughter told a friend of mine that this girl wants her to loose her virginity and talked her into going out with a 16 year old boy who lives with his girlfriend. (I put a stop to that relationship) I asked my phone company to give me a copy of what numbers are being ran and I found out that every-time she runs away she rings this girl first. I’ve got my daughter a counsellor and she is organising a psychologist for her ability to make everything fall in her life. I’m over my daughter putting herself in these bad situations, I’m over her friend too. I have two younger boys and when she is hope she fights with them takes there stuff so they get upset with her and is making our lives hell. Today I’m going to see if I can get a restraining order out on her friend and I’m going to talk to the counsellor to see if it is best that she stays with me or I let her go an live with someone else.

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