A parent on the forum is wondering: I have a concern that I am starting to think I am the only one who does. I have a teenage daughter who just recently turned 14. I can remember a time when she was growing up and wanted to play at a friend's house meant I would take her there, as long as I knew the parents, meet with them and discuss what they were going to do and when I was going to pick her up, or visa versa. Now, all of a sudden that she's a teenager, parents don't communicate with one another anymore.
I just have kids being dropped off at my door, with no formal introduction, no finding out if I'm a mass murderer or have a gun collection, whether or not I have a brother who lives upstairs who's a child molester (I don't), nothing, they don't even bother coming to the door. They don't even leave me with so much as a phone number or point of contact in case something should happen to their kid while in my care. Don't even get me started on the amount of times I've asked "When is your mom coming to pick you up" and I'm met with either "Uh, she's out running errands and she said after that" (and it's 8:00 at night on a school night), or "You have to take me home 'cuz she's busy."
And my daughter wants me to reciprocate and just drop her off without meeting the parents or "making a scene" by saying Hello, my name is so and so, etc. I mean why is it that when your kids turn into teenagers, the parents no longer communicate with each other about get togethers or where their kids are spending their time. I really don't understand it at all. Especially in today's society where you hear about so many horrible things happening. How can people be so trusting? Not to mention that teens lie all the time to get their way, so how am I supposed to trust them when they tell me they have permission to stay longer. Can someone please enlighten me. I'm totally fed up and frustrated.
Denise's thoughts: I had this problem with my oldest daughter's set of friends and their parents. It was disheartening. But, I stood my ground with my daughter. I either called and introduced myself first or I stopped in when dropping her off. I even had one mother ask me if I was going to continue to call and I, of course, said 'yes'. Funny how my daughter steers clear from them now that she is an adult.
My middle dd has friends whose parents talk to each other. It's a nice place to be. I'm much more comfortable checking in on her activities. So, my advice is just keep trying. Be personable and friendly. You are modeling behavior that lets her know your interests in keeping her safe. If she argues, just remind her you are being her parent and you love her.
Suggested reading: Encourage Positive Teen Friendships and Parenting Contracts: Going Out With Friends Unsupervised
Asking our community of parents: This is an on-going issue for many of our parenting community. Please share your experiences, thoughts and advice in the comments area. (Note: You are now able to reply to each other as well.)
I just have kids being dropped off at my door, with no formal introduction, no finding out if I'm a mass murderer or have a gun collection, whether or not I have a brother who lives upstairs who's a child molester (I don't), nothing, they don't even bother coming to the door. They don't even leave me with so much as a phone number or point of contact in case something should happen to their kid while in my care. Don't even get me started on the amount of times I've asked "When is your mom coming to pick you up" and I'm met with either "Uh, she's out running errands and she said after that" (and it's 8:00 at night on a school night), or "You have to take me home 'cuz she's busy."
And my daughter wants me to reciprocate and just drop her off without meeting the parents or "making a scene" by saying Hello, my name is so and so, etc. I mean why is it that when your kids turn into teenagers, the parents no longer communicate with each other about get togethers or where their kids are spending their time. I really don't understand it at all. Especially in today's society where you hear about so many horrible things happening. How can people be so trusting? Not to mention that teens lie all the time to get their way, so how am I supposed to trust them when they tell me they have permission to stay longer. Can someone please enlighten me. I'm totally fed up and frustrated.
Denise's thoughts: I had this problem with my oldest daughter's set of friends and their parents. It was disheartening. But, I stood my ground with my daughter. I either called and introduced myself first or I stopped in when dropping her off. I even had one mother ask me if I was going to continue to call and I, of course, said 'yes'. Funny how my daughter steers clear from them now that she is an adult.
My middle dd has friends whose parents talk to each other. It's a nice place to be. I'm much more comfortable checking in on her activities. So, my advice is just keep trying. Be personable and friendly. You are modeling behavior that lets her know your interests in keeping her safe. If she argues, just remind her you are being her parent and you love her.
Suggested reading: Encourage Positive Teen Friendships and Parenting Contracts: Going Out With Friends Unsupervised
Asking our community of parents: This is an on-going issue for many of our parenting community. Please share your experiences, thoughts and advice in the comments area. (Note: You are now able to reply to each other as well.)
I still do that! I introduce myself and I find out what the parents are like. And I know lots of parents do, so you are not alone! I think it’s important…what if you’re dropping them off at, say a girls’ house, and there are also boys there with no parents???
My advise to you is stand your ground.
I experienced the same when my daughter was 13. It baffled me how disconnected the parents became once the kids reached Middle School. In fact, they allowed the kids to dictate the scheduling of friend gatherings. I stood my ground and was very clear with the parents what type of parent I am. Now she is 17 years old and not only does she steer clear of kids whose parents do not take an interest in their well being and safety she is clear with anyone who wishes to be in her circle that she is one of the lucky ones – because her family truly loves and supports her. Her friends are drawn to our home because there are expectations they can rely upon.
I spent hours upon hours talking, talking, listening, listening and talking and listening some more. Calling parents – involving myself in the pick up and drop of the kids she wanted to spend time with. Asking questions objectively ..listening, listening, talking and talking. No doubt the level of involvement, objectivity and clear precise rules from the very early stages proved to be a strong foundation for the teen years. Don’t give in to this new wave of parents who believe once their kids hit the teen years and have their own cell phones there is no need to respect the communication with the parents in the household. I’m pretty certain if the parent is not interested in speaking with you – they are certainly not interested in speaking with their own kids. And that will prove to be an unhealthy friendship.
The success is a fine line between rules / respect and objective availability of a parent who is willing to commit to the rearing of teens. This is no easy job – but the rewards of a good, healthy, grounded teenager is worth every sleepless night.
The rule in my house is that my kids (16 and 14) can go to a party or sleep over at someone’s house ONLY if their parents call me (preferred) or I call them. If this doesn’t happen, they don’t go. It has been a rule since they where little. My 16 year old daughter scoffed at it when she was 12 but they are both use to it now. We are very in touch with their friend’s families, trust them, and trust that our kids are where they say they are.
I hear ya! I cant believe what is happening these days. This is exactly what happens in my house (my dd is 20, sons 17 & 11). For my daughter got used to it after a while but it has been harder for my older son. But I still do that especially for a sleepover for him because I want to make sure parents are home and there will not be any alcohol there. The younger one knows the rules so I have not had any resistance yet.
I have always made a point to introduce myself and yes, some parents seem to think it’s unnecessary, but it’s necessary for me. Now that my daughter is 17 and driving, of course I don’t always know who she’s with but she has a nice set of friends and I trust her. I still try to get to know the parents. For instance, she has a very nice boyfriend whose parents I’ve never met, so I invited them over to take pictures at our house before a big dance. I don’t know if they will accept or not, but I’m happy that I extended the effort. My daughter appreciates it too I think. Kids want to be protected, even if they don’t admit it.
Boy, am I glad to hear all this. I was also feeling like I am in a minority that is very old-fashioned, according to my 13.5 year-old, who still wants to know where she is and what she is doing. It has been the topic of some emotional discussions, because I am just the “meanest mother in the world” and I “don’t trust her”. So I have stood my ground, for the most part, and laid down some rules and I think that we are headed in the right direction. Thanks, and long live parents who are not afraid to parent!
When my now 17 year old son tells me I’m the ONLY strict (and therefore ridiculous) parent, I know that a simple email sent to his friends moms with whom I’ve cultivated friendships, reveals the truth that most of us are on the same page with boundaries. When my son went to a new high school and developed a whole new group of friends, I made sure that when there was a school wide parent event, I emailed his friend’s moms and said, would you like to meet at the the event and sit together because I’d love to meet you all. We’ve communicated openly ever since. And each time a new freedom occurs (driving, parties, curfews) I let the moms know what our rules are and that gets us all sharing. I reserve judgment on anyone else’s rules. I just want to make mine clear. If my son finds out about these communication efforts, it usually means the cold shoulder for a few days. Oh well…a small price to pay for peace of mind.
Oh Yeah! I guess we parents are glad and releived that they have grown up and can communicate to us and others about their needs and they do not need an adult intervention to handle a small gathering of friends , it is like being more independent for both the parties.
However I firmly do the homework , where, when, how long and why? many a parents have comfortably managed to complete the errands while children are at a freinds but I too stand firm by the suggested timing and oblige to such requirements when i actually am satiasfied with everything about the plan, location and situation. No not a bully, just being cautious………….
What a relief to know that there are other parents out there who believe that when your son/daughter hits the teen years YOUR NOT DONE PARENTING! I insist on knowing all of my 15 year-old daughter’s friends, their parents and (clear throat) their facebook profiles. Recently saw a facebook photo of a group of my daughter’s friends dressed in bikini-style hot-pants and high heals heading to a party – recognized the car they were being driven to the party in as the car of a mom I thought I trusted! The drunken pictures on facebook prompted me to question the mother. Now, I am persona-non-grata – the messenger has been shot.
Together, we parents can and should guide young people in making good choices and finding good friends with parents who can be trusted to use good judgment.
teenagers are one hard challenge that a parent gos through because when it comes to them growing up their moods follows too, they mostly tends to be stressed and wants to be alone most of the time,
When it comes to telling your teens about sensitive topics or issues in life its really tough but a parent should be honest and be straight forward on the main issue especially to focuse more on disadvantages of that issue for instance sex nowadays.