Updated: I've written a new article that will help with these types of situations, or as the are referred to as "power struggles" with teens. Let me know what you think in the comments area: Reacting to Power Struggles with Your Teen by Keeping the #1 Goal in Mind.
A mom on the forum seeks advice: "I have a 17-year-old son who "debates" everything -- I'm looking for good responses to his questions as to why he should have to keep his things picked up, why he should have to do chores, etc. He's a good kid, good student, active in sports -- we just want him to feel some responsibility around the house, and he's not feeling it! And needs a good reason (other than a discipline to get him to do it) why?? Anyone have anything good my husband and I can use? "
Denise's thoughts: "I really don't think you have to answer his questions as he is debating for no reason but to get out of what you've asked him to do. If he wants to debate why things need to be cleaned, be more than willing to do so after he has picked up.
I think kids and teens feel responsible about things like keeping a room clean after they have learned what keeping their room clean is like. I feel we need to help our teens build a good habit, using positive discipline if need be, and then we can discuss the merits of that good habit. Otherwise, it's like discussing which was the better team at the ballgame without your teen seeing the game."
Asking our community: How do you get your teen to clean their room or do their chores? Does your teen try to debate with you? How do you handle that? Please share your advice, opinions and experiences in the comments area.
Chores and Teens Resources:
A mom on the forum seeks advice: "I have a 17-year-old son who "debates" everything -- I'm looking for good responses to his questions as to why he should have to keep his things picked up, why he should have to do chores, etc. He's a good kid, good student, active in sports -- we just want him to feel some responsibility around the house, and he's not feeling it! And needs a good reason (other than a discipline to get him to do it) why?? Anyone have anything good my husband and I can use? "
Denise's thoughts: "I really don't think you have to answer his questions as he is debating for no reason but to get out of what you've asked him to do. If he wants to debate why things need to be cleaned, be more than willing to do so after he has picked up.
I think kids and teens feel responsible about things like keeping a room clean after they have learned what keeping their room clean is like. I feel we need to help our teens build a good habit, using positive discipline if need be, and then we can discuss the merits of that good habit. Otherwise, it's like discussing which was the better team at the ballgame without your teen seeing the game."
Asking our community: How do you get your teen to clean their room or do their chores? Does your teen try to debate with you? How do you handle that? Please share your advice, opinions and experiences in the comments area.
Chores and Teens Resources:
Hi,
it s not easy getting them clean up, what I do is make them anyway, then if they discuss it I say because living in a clean environment is a good way of living. finally I always add that if they do not do then someone else has to do it, and that s not fair on anyone because everyone has his or her work already without adding to it. is their school,or sports club or wherever they go a messed up environment or is it just mom at home that is requiring it? it is a common practice and that shows it is a good one
cheers
“because living in a clean environment is a good way of living.”
I like that. Simple and to the point!
Hello,
I have a hard time with the concept of “debating” with child/teen/young adult over something as simple as chores. I do not feel I have to rationalize to my child why they should do what I tell them to do. To do or not to do is not an option; “just do it”. No loving parent would charge their child to do something that would harm them. We give our children daily or weekly tasks to instill a in them a sense of responsibility and order.
They will appreciate it when they get older and have a chance to reflect upon it.
Lisa,
I just started something new with my youngest teenager, I started giving her tickets, each one worth a dollar, and I told her every time I noticed that she was doing her chores and cleaning her room with out being asked I would slip a ticket in a jar, and once she reached 5 or more she could cash then in at the end of the week or just save them and so far it has been a great incentive for her to get her chores and homework done, and with so many things that these kids want to buy these days, they will do what ever they can to earn it. I have also written a book about teens and the struggles they go through, it is a book to help parents re-connect to their teens.
Teens and chores – we used to have quite a bit of trouble, but here is a few ways we handled it and it seems to be working. First we have a schedule for school nights that is posted on the fridge – so there are no questions as to what need to be done. Then when a chore needs to be done instead of asking to do the chore we ask ” the dishwasher needs to be unloaded – would you like to do it at 6 or 7″ or we say a chore needs to be done and set a time it needs to be done by. Also we have told our son that his weekend depends on what he does during the week, if he hasn’t cooperated then his weekend is filled with work – so far its working.
To Whom This May Concern: the FACT that you have waited until they are teenagers to get respect from your “offspring” shows me – you are much too late. First off, I had RESPECT in my home. GOD FIRST, Family responsibilities next, and personal issues LAST! God said, “cleanliness is next to Godliness.” So – no God, no cleanliness. Self exploratory. Secondly, anytime “youth” get too big for their (his or hers) – out the door they go. I change the locks and that’s it. IF youth of today can’t abide by the HOUSE rules, then they will not obey establishment rules either. This is very dangerous and the JAILS are full of these kinds of people as PROOF. I have an article: How-to RAISE A CROOK. It is very interesting and enlightening. For a copy, contact me and you may have a copy FREE for asking. WHEN youth lives as home (rent free, food free, laundry an ironing free, and maid service -) they have NO RIGHTS!
Children are like dogs. Teenagers are like cats. A due date for chores is the best way. If the chores aren’t done, they don’t go out, get the car keys, etc. No arguing. Leave a chore list on the fridge with who is responsible for what. Teens can help pick which chores they will have responsibility, but you have the final word. It can be easier said then done, especially when jobs come in to the picture as they get older.
It’s never too late.
Hi Ruth,
We have the same battle in our house, know that you’re not alone!
Our statement is that family is a team and everyone on the team pitches in. We pitch in because when the house isn’t clean and things aren’t put away, it takes twice as long to find things and adds uneeded time to our already haggered schedules. We have a rule that if there’s any complaining with chores, they get another chore added on. One day I got the entire house cleaned. 
The kids are pretty good now about doing chores and do a decent job, but it was a few years before that occurred. It’s certainly a long process. Thinking about you!
Teens and Chores,
We explain to our kids that it’s only fair that we all take care of our home. We all enjoy the comforts of it and one person cannot do it alone. If mom is taking one to sports and then music and to friends or events I need help too. I’m asking you guys for it I say to them. We all clean up together: dishes, putting clothes away, Saturday chores. That way we all feel a sense of unity and appreciation. Plus, not only does it get done much faster they feel a sense of contribution and accomplishment.
Pearl of Wisdom..
Hello,
I have two teenage children;a boy and a girl. For them, I use the system of’ life is all about give and take’ with them. First, I talk gently making them realise that we own the house and therefore, we MUST clean it together. Of course the boy likes to do things when it suits him, so I get hard on him and refuse to give him whatever he ask for until the chores are done. I think it’s a continuous process. Very few teenagers want to do chores, they all believe life is a bed of roses. It’s our responsibility as parents to insist they do what we ask them to do.
My daughter just recently became an official teenager but I have felt like the mother of one since she was four. She likes to debate also, but I tell her that debating with me is not an option. We set rules for chores and behavior when she was in third grade. It is all a give and take, just like several people already mentioned. I have told her that since we are a team living together, we need to share the responsibilities. If I have to do everything by myself, than not much else can happen because I am too tired, so when she needs to be taken to a school event, dance or other activity with friends, then I am much too tired to take her if I have spent all my time doing chores. If we share the chores, then we both have time to get out and enjoy outside activities. She gets it for the most part, but has to be reminded once-in-a-while and there have been a few times when I have been just to exhausted between getting everything done and arguing with her, that whatever she wanted to do did not happen, and that hit home for her. When I remind her of that, she straightens up a bit more and argues less. It does have to start early though. By the time they are teenagers, some kids feel so entitled that it becomes very hard to get through to them. Parents are parents for a reason and not buddies during these early years. The buddiness comes later as they get older and realize that you were right and appreciate it. I love my daughter more than my own life, but I am not afraid to be hard on her, if necessary. I thank god for all of it everyday, good and bad, but I also look forward to the day when we will be friends in addition to mother/daughter. Good luck to us all, parenting is not easy!
Hi, I have 3 teens and pull my hair out sometimes. Once I sat them all down and got them to write out all I did for them and then as we discussed those things, I asked what would happen or how would you feel if I didn’t do those things -that is food for thought. Drastic action has been called forth – in that I won’t drive them to work or sport etc.I have even given them a half cooked meal to show what a half done job is like. Mainly you never enter a debate – just smile and say you know they will do the right thing and help you out.
My 19-year-old daughter recently told me that all of things that I told her about picking up after herself while she was growing up for sinking in. This felt great given how frustrated I felt when she protested so heavily.
My advice is to be consistent and hold your ground. It will pay off in the end.
When my children were younger, we used the inititavive and rewards approach. We taught that everyone does their part and that when I say do, they do. Now that we have teenagers there isn’t much of a debate on chores. It has been a part of their daily lives for such a long time. However, like most teens there are days when they just don’t want to do their work. On these occasions I do let them suffer in their own consequences. For instance my son recently decided he was not going to be cleaning his room. I simply said make sure the door is shut at all times so the mess doesn’t trickle into my hallway. After one week he couldn’t find anything, had a smell he couldn’t sleep with, and misplaced his eyeglasses, since thier normal spot was occupied with trash. The eyeglasses turned up in the puppies box, completely broken. He ended up having to take a chunck of money out of HIS bank account to replace the glasses. So between the loss of money for glasses, air freshener, a failed test (couldn’t find book)and wearing dirty laundry to a party, he now understands the importance of cleaning his room.
You could do the same in any room of the house with anything they use. If they didn’t do the dishes then there is nothing to cook on. Teens are not small children, this is the time that you need to teach them about natural consequences and real world issues.
The book: Saying No and Sticking To It, suggests you use the broken record method when they want to argue or fail to move when asked. You simply, and calmly repeat the same short request over again.
For example: Sussie is on the computer and is supposed to be doing her homework. You say calmly, Sussie you need to get off the computer and do your homework. Sussie may reply: Oh everyone else gets to watch You Tube videos while they do their homework. Or: I just want to watch another show.
You repeat calmly but firmly: You need to get off the computer and do your homework. Repeat again firmly as needed. This usually works by the 3rd try and you extinguish their habit of arguing. It worked like a miracle with our very argumentative daughter. You can also apply the broken record technique to other situations or chores.