You're child is sitting at the dinner table, picking at his mashed potatoes, (didn't they used to be his favorite?), giving you one word answers to every pleasant question you can possibly think of. Then you bring up the dreaded math class. Not in an 'I am your parent, and I want to know what's going on' way, you just want to know how it's going. Well, you would think you were going to force him to eat those mashed potatoes!!!! After he rolls his eyes and lets out a groan, he says 'I don't even want to go there!'. There being a state of mind that an unwanted subject will place you in.
You've just been 'blown off'. This child has just communicated that he does not want to share his feelings about math class with you. So, what do you do? Start by taking a deep breath and not taking offense. Know that the problem does not lie with you. You have not started to turn green and grow antennas. The problem is the normal lifestage called adolescence.
Scary, huh? But it's true! Adolescence is a normal life-stage, just like the 'terrible twos', only it lasts a little longer.
You're child is searching for an identity. The 'who am I, what can I do, where do I belong' type of identity. These questions are the basis for every decision your child is making. They are floating around in his head flip-flopping with the need for childhood security that only you can provide.
The result from all this chaos is stress for both you and your child. This will cause problems in your relationship. The first step in solving a problem in a relationship is defining it, so in very easy terms let me do that for you
Problem = Lifestage ADOLESCENCE
For most of us that's it.
I know it sounds like I'm giving you a pat answer. You are going to e-mail me and tell me that your son is not breaking curfew just because he is an adolescent. I would let you know that testing all the limits, even curfew, is the job of an adolescent. Your son is doing his lifestage job, then he is throwing the ball back in your court. You're job, as his parent, is to pick that ball up. Let him know that you don't appreciate being disrespected, that he is breaking down the trust you have in him by not following the rules, and give an appropriate consequence. After all is said and done, drop it! Let him try again. When he breaks curfew again, he probably will, auto-rewind and repeat.
When it comes to discipline, think of yourself as a very loving, very strong, net, ready to catch him when he falls. If you mess up, don't beat yourself up! You're human, you're a parent, and you love that child. It is not easy, especially knowing what is out there today. But they don't know what is out there, and this lifestage is pushing them to go and find out.
We, as parents, have to remember that we've taught them our values. You know, values, the things you said a million and two times. Like look both ways when crossing the street, don't pick your nose in public, etc. They will use these as guidelines, add a few twists from their peer group, and come up with their own version. (For more information on peers read Peer Pressure and Your Teen by Kathleen McCoy, PhD.)
Of course, this version might not be acceptable to you. If the issue hits close to home then, by all means, lay down the law. Let's use the clean room argument for an example. You want it clean and he doesn't mind if mold is growing from the soda glass that was left there a month ago. It is your house, you do have standards, and he will follow them. If the issue is one of opinion, like music tastes, then you can feed him a few more ideas on the topic. He will take a bite out of what you've said, chew it up, and spit it out again. This feeding process may continue until he is thirty before there is any agreement between the two of you----or maybe never.
For as much as we want our children to be a reflection of ourselves, they are their own person. They only carry a piece of us with them through life. What we need to do is strive to put that piece in the right place of their life's puzzle. When we accomplish this, they will be better able to answer those identity questions. They will have the ability to adapt to new situations while retaining a firm understanding of their personal values. We will have done a good job. But until that time de-stress yourself!
