'I have a 11 year old daughter who is in 6th grade. She is an A student, VP of her school, and an overall "good" kid. The last few weeks she has been bugging me for permission to go places with her "girlfriends" without parental supervision (the mall, McDonalds, friends house). I told her that she is too young. I have never even left her home alone. She won't leave it alone and says that "ALL" of her friends are allowed to. We have a very good relationship and very open communication and I don't want to ruin this. Is this a reasonable request from her? Am I being too protective? I don't know if I can do this. I have been up at night for a week and I know there is soooo much more to come! AHHH!'
Denise's thoughts:
'Freedom', in your daughter's question, is an undefined term - as is the answer "you're too young". When our children grow, we need to learn to communicate with them a little differently. Not only do we need to clearly define the parameters of what we will allow, but also we must first help our teenagers define exactly what it is they want.
The best way to do this is to use Active Listening. When you employ this parenting skill, you leave the lines of communication open. Your daughter opened the lines of communication because she has a concern. By using active listening, you will respect her concern without giving in to it as if it were a demand.
Breakdown what she feels is the most important and, while keeping her safety in mind, give a little at a time. Add a small chore or task with each small privilege you allow and you will be teaching her responsibility along with setting a good quality tone for future communication.
The Answers from the Parenting of Adolescents Forum:
SglemomHOST says:
'Those 11 year olds are at that inbetween stage and hormones are also kicking in. Have you thought about the WHY of this? Example: If she has friends in her age group who ARE allowed to go places unsupervised - what does that say about THOSE parents?
It IS a reasonable request from an 11 year old, however it's one that requires a parental unit around. I know from experience thaht these 11-12 year olds can and do run into all sorts of characters at the mall - GUYS - who are usually older - who may be driving, etc.
Trust your gut on this Mom. Your DD needs to understand that not ALL kids get to do what their friends get to do. '
FredSchmidla says:
'We let ours go to the movies with crowds of friends at that age and never had a problem. Alot depends on the nature of the kids she hangs out with and what kind of area you live in. We're in a relatively small town with a low crime rate and our kids always had friends we could trust. It might have been different if we lived in a large city or our kids gravitated towards losers for friends. Given the information you presented in your post, I'd say you're being a bit overprotective and should start to loosen up a little. I'm certainly not suggesting that "anything goes", but I think she's old enough to start getting a small amount of freedom. '
Read more about this thread here: Advice On - Preteens - How much freedom?
