I have a pre-teen who lies to everyone. He lies about having homework even though it catchs up with him. He now has straight F's in school and will probally fail if he don't work on it now. He only is lying about small things now, but we worry about when he gets older. He's lazies and don't likes to work on anything for very long. He thinks he's miss treated, but he's in trouble all the time for something. He thinks he should be punished for the bad things he does. He says he'll never do it again, but he keeps doing it. Help!!! - checkers

Checkers - after reading your posts I now KNOW that we have the first case of twins born to different Mom's. Again, this is my 12 y/o son. I have to say that with the similarities between the actions of our sons, perhaps he is doing it for the same reason that mine seemed to be - to get out of trouble, to prove that I really don't have eyes in the back of my head and to see how much he can get away with. I'll tell you something that we did (which had a huge impact) and still do, off and on. We decided to let him see what it feels like to be lied to. So, we made a big deal out of going to 6 Flags (we hadn't lived here for long so it was a big deal to him) on the weekend and really built it up. By Saturday he was so full of anticipation that I felt very guilty with my plan. When we didn't go, he was crushed. He asked why and all I said, very calmly, was - "Well, J, guess I lied.". It definitely had an impact. I know that lying is part of grouwing up so I expect some of it. However, lying is the number 1 offense at my house and lying is always punished much more severely than telling the truth over something you've done wrong. Granted, I can't catch him in all his lies but he has to sit there and sweat out which ones we'll catch and which ones we won't. I keep very good contact with his teachers so I often know things that he doesn't know I know. The lying hasn't stopped but has improved because I've found out that he is learning the natural consequences for these lies (I might not find out now...but I will later - like when the report cards come out and he tells me that he has been turning in all of his work). Now, I often see him thinking before he speaks (you can see those wheels kind of grinding and he's thinking - should I or shouldn't I) and he almost always is honest when he thinks out the reprocussions. This is a big step! As I said in my other post to you, it all has to do with putting the responsibility on their shoulders and placing the problem in the hands of the one that it belongs to - your son. I'm adding my e-mail if you'd like to write me and commiserate over hich son will drive one of us nuts first. I also have some resources for great reading material that I would be willing to share with you. My heart goes out to you. I've been there and it hurts terribly. You just try everything and nothing works but seems to get worse. It will improve! - Dena

Hi, Sounds like your son is starting and getting caught up in a whirlwind. at times like those, I always say fall back and regroup. He has seem to placed himself in a hole that he can't dig himself out of, so instead of trying, he just makes it worse by being lazy and such. My advice? Since he is still young enough to try this, pick one thing to totally control. In your case I would choose school. Give him no room to lie, ie. see his counselor, buy a notebook, have him write what homework he has in every class and require that the teacher intial it every day. When he comes home, have him sit with his books for one hour, you can't force him to do his homework, but if he sits there long enough, meaning for days for that hour, he will start to pick it up. specifics: he is to get his homework written down and intialed. he is to sit for one hour. If he doesn't comply, send him to his room for the night, having dinner by himself. If he does comply, let him do something he likes that evening. This is important, for 12 to 16 immediate consequences and rewards are needed, they do not look into the future, saying he will get better grades will not help. The lying, you have given him no room to lie about school, you have taken it out of his hands. As for everything else, let it alone until you have the other under control. I know you will have to grit your teeth here, but working on one thing at a time is important. If you try to fix everything at once, it simply won't work, and you'll be causing to much frustration for yourself. So unless he does something HUGE, try and overlook a few of the little things, again UNTIL he has the other under control. Then, pick something else. I have an article on setting up action plans in my features, which is what this example I have just given you is. Hope this helps! - parentingteens

boy! can we relate to that one. From one parent to another,no matter what you do for them and/or what you give them it will never be enough. I try to think back when i was a teen (I have a teen 15 years old) and remember how i felt when my parents disciplined me now as an adult do i realize it was for my own good. There is no correct or perfect way to be a parent..it's on the job training, love them and discipline them with love and be consistent when doing so. My son is 15 and he know's when he lies it always comes back to haunt him..but he still does it..I think it is part of trying to get away with as much as you can while you can syndrome. Good Luck! If you find a good solution for it let me know. (or I guess we could slip truth serum in their food?) regards, - kryten1

This is a really tough one - I read the other responses to the problem. We have twin boys (age 10) and a daughter (age 13). The lying aspect is clearly there for all three of the children although maybe not as pronounced as you are experiencing. I do have a fundamental philosophy about how to get it under some sort of control:
1) You have to provide a form of punishment that means something to THEM.
2) You have to be willing to follow through with the threat of it at all costs to prove the point.
3) You want to catch the lie in mid sentence and strongly come back at it with the facts, the punsihment, and the follow up monitoring.
My wife and I have caught our daughter in a number of lies, some more disturbing than others. We've gathered the proper facts, and given her a chance to tell us the truth in ordinary discussion about a subject. Of course, she avoids a direct answer, and then she lies and hides. We immediately indicate that we know she is lying and that she cannot possibly do things we won't eventually find out about (eg - going on the internet at school when she wasn't supposed to, not following strict troop rules of conduct at a Girl Scout outing, etc). We then BOTH very calmly and directly indicate that the conduct has to stop immediately. We then ask her if she understands what we are saying so that there is no confusion on her part. This prevents any future, "I didn't know what you meant when you said..." type of discussions. We then indicate the severity of what was done and that it is bad for her and not representative of her personality overall. Last, but not least, we indicate that she will be punished if it is done again. We both (my wife and I) figure out the things that mean something to her. (eg - she likes to go out on friday night with her girlsfriends and go ice skating, or she likes to go to the matinee movies on Sunday afternoon) We would then threaten taking one or more of these activities away from her since she really likes them a lot. So far, I cannot say that lying has ceased - we'd be miracle workers and a bit nieve if we really believed that! But it does keep it under control and she definitely thinks twice about trying to pull the woll over our eyes. Hope some of this might help. - GMAN