Two examples of the implied communication problem:
Parent: 'Please take out the trash.'
Teen: 'OK.'
.....one hour later......
Parent: 'I thought I asked you to take out the trash?'
Teen: 'You didn't say I had to do it now.'
The parent felt that the teen should have known that they meant now.
Teen: 'I have my first band practice today after school.'
Parent: 'That sounds like fun.'
....the teen walks in the door at 6:30...after dinner....
Parent: 'Where were you?'
Teen: 'Band practice.'
Parent: 'You didn't say you were not going to be here for dinner.'
Teen: 'Practice always gets over at 6:15.'
The teen felt the parent should have known when practice was over.
These types of conversations are daily occurrences around 'our home'. They cause some frustration but are totally normal, and usually work out in a matter of minutes.
It is when this type of 'lack of communication' gets involved with the bigger issues of adolescents, that larger problems can surface. It becomes one more hurdle in problem solving matters. I have learned to get over this hurdle, after a few trail and errors, through Parent Effectiveness Training, commonly known as PET.
One of the forms of communication that PET taught me is the Action Plan. I can't tell you how many situations, arguments, and bad feelings I have avoided by using this plan.
An Action Plan is a clear cut, win-win situation plan, where your teen lets you know exactly what he wants (the privilege) and you in turn do the same (the responsibility). Then, you write it down. By setting up a problem this way, you have just empowered him with the ability to solve it. All he has to do is earn the privilege. If he completes the responsibility, he gets the privilege. If he does not complete the responsibility, he can try again. Remember, Rome wasn't built in a day.
This is a lot easier to understand with an example. So, here is one of my action plans. The child's name in the plan is not real, and the situation is a generalization of many plans I have composed.
Sue, age 15, is a new teen in our program. She wanted to start going roller skating with her friends on Friday evenings until 11pm. Her normal curfew would be 10pm for activities without supervision, and because she was new, she had not yet been allowed any unsupervised activities.
When Sue came to me with her 'problem', I put away my work, took out a piece of paper, and let her know that I was willing to help her solve it. I let her know this through body language (focusing on her not everything else that needed done) and verbally. I asked her if she wanted to do an Action Plan. I passed the blank piece of paper over to her and told her to write down what she wanted. After reading it over, I explained to her that I was willing to allow her the unsupervised activity because her previous behavior warranted a new privilege. But, I felt she needed to earn the extra hour for curfew. I had noticed she had too much lag time around the house. She would sit and watch TV. I wanted her to become involved with something that interested her. I wrote that all down and let her read it over. I stated my part this way: 'When Sue becomes involved in an extra curricular activity, she may have the above privilege.'
The next day, Sue came home with a smile, and a permission slip for soccer. I think she enjoyed the soccer team as much, if not more, than roller skating on Friday nights.
One of the best aspects of Action Plans, (besides clear cut communication), is not only do teens have to meet the responsibility outlined in the plan, they also have to meet the responsibility of the plan itself. It is a wonderful parenting tool and I hope it is as useful to you as it is to me.
