The tension between parents who don't want to give up control and the teenager who wants independence is the hallmark of adolescence. This tension may be especially intense for adopted teens who feel that someone else has always made decisions for them: the birthmother made the decision to place them for adoption; the adoptive parents decided whether to accept them. Parents may feel pressure to control their teens, sometimes motivated by concerns that their teens have a predisposition toward antisocial behavior— especially when their teens' birthparents have a history of alcoholism or drug abuse.
Parents worry, too, about their teens' sexual behavior. What if their son or daughter becomes sexually active, becomes or gets a partner pregnant or gets AIDS? Adopted girls may have particular concerns about sexuality and motherhood. On the one hand, they have the adoptive mother, frequently infertile and on the other, the birthmother, who had a baby but chose not to raise the child. How do adoptive parents help their daughters come to terms with these different role models?
Because of their fears, many adoptive parents tighten the reins precisely when their teenagers want more freedom. "Kids see it as - You don't trust me,'" says Anne McCabe, postadoption specialist at Tabor Children's Services in Philadelphia and a family therapist in private practice specializing in working with adoptive families. "It can strongly affect the trust level between parents and their teens." McCabe advises that parents and teens work together to identify options for building trust in important areas such as schoolwork, chores, choice of friends, choice of leisure time activities and curfew. Parents and their teen can come to an agreement on what constitutes trustworthy behavior in each area. They can determine what privileges or consequences will be earned if the teen either demonstrates or doesn't demonstrate the behavior in an identified time frame. Both parties have input and there are fewer power struggles.
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