| Parenting the Adopted Teenager | |
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Adopted teens may experience strong emotions, especially related to their adoption. It would be unusual for their adopted status not to affect them. A teen's sense of abandonment, quest for identity and need for control probably do not have their origin in poor parenting by the adoptive parents.
If a teen decides to search for his or her birthparents, it is not necessarily an indication of a problem. Research indicates that some adoptees simply have a strong need to know about their biological roots. "One of the misconceptions [that adoptive parents have]," says Marshall Schechter, M.D., professor emeritus in child and adolescent psychiatry at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine, "is that they have done something to make their child want to search. They haven't. Everyone needs to know that they are part of a continuum of a family ... As more is learned about genetics, scientists are discovering that many talents or personality traits have a genetic basis. So it should not be surprising that teenagers who focus on developing an identity should begin thinking about their origin." It is more likely that a teen will have problems in families "where the parents insist that adoption is no different from the biological parent–child relationship," says Kenneth Kirby, Ph.D., from the Department of Clinical Psychiatry at Northwestern University School of Medicine in Chicago. Teens know that it is different. Teens do better when their parents understand their curiosity about their genetic history and allow them to express their grief, anger and fear.
The following behaviors may indicate a teen is struggling with adoption issues:
- comments about being treated unfairly compared to the family's birth children;
- a new problem in school, such as trouble paying attention;
- a sudden preoccupation with the unknown;
- problems with peers; or
- shutting down emotionally and refusing to share feelings.
If your family style is one of open communication, you may be able to deal with these issues without professional help. Educate yourself through books or workshops run by agencies that provide postadoption services. Join an adoptive parent support group, which can be a valuable resource for families.
As with all teens, you should seek professional help if you see any of the following behaviors:
- drug or alcohol abuse;
- a drastic drop in grades or a sharp increase in skipping school;
- withdrawal from family and friends;
- risk taking; or
- suicide threats or attempt.
If adoption is part of the problem, openly addressing adoption issues will improve the chances that the treatment will be effective. Parents who recognize that their teens have two sets of parents and who don't feel threatened by that fact are more likely to establish a more positive environment for their teens, one that will make them feel more comfortable to express their feelings. "Kids know early on what subjects their parents are uncomfortable discussing and will avoid them," says McCabe. "Secrets take a lot of energy. When there is freedom to discuss adoption issues, there is much less of a burden on the family."
"There is a significant difference in the way teenagers perceive themselves when they have information about their birth families—ethnic heritage, abilities, education or just what they looked like," says Marcie Griffen, postadoption counselor at Hope Cottage Adoption Services in Dallas, Texas. "When they know why they were placed for adoption, it tends to help their self-esteem and give them a better sense of who they are."
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at the Parenting of Adolescents Site |
Source: National Adoption Information Clearinghouse.
