Quick Links: Troubled Teens
Do you feel manipulated or intimidated by your troubled teen? Do you react out of fear in order not to upset them? Has your teen managed to seize control of your family?
Troubled teens often act out in ways that make living with them difficult but when the power shifts so dramatically that the teen is the one in charge, it's critical to take action.
How does a troubled teen hijack a whole family?
A troubled teen who successfully hijacks their family manages to disrupt the balance of power to such an extent that the parents are no longer in charge. Some troubled teens gain this power by exhibiting increasingly manipulative or mean behavior that creates fear in family members. Other troubled teens do their hijacking more subtly, they are considered so fragile that their problems become a primary focus and concessions are made in an effort not to upset the teen because they might self-harm, run away or use drugs.
Your troubled teen isn't actually holding a gun to your head but they might as well be, there is no one flying this plane. The family is in turmoil and your teens' problems continue to get worse.
What drives hijacking behavior in troubled teens?
A troubled teen usually doesn't plan out their hijacking efforts, more often this situation develops over time as parents and siblings react to troubling changes in a teens' behavior. As accommodations are made in an attempt to deal with aggressive, inappropriate or scary behavior the teen gains power in the family, without anyone realizing the potentially dangerous situation that's developing.
And while your troubled teen may give the impression they want to be the one flying the plane their out of control behavior shows how confused and lost they feel inside. Someone in a great deal of pain has hijacked you and now their problems have put everyone in jeopardy. Someone needs to fly this plane and it sure isn't your teenager.
How do I regain control of the plane?
So what can you do when you realize you've been hijacked by your troubled teen?
When your teen is the one in control it's time to stop reacting to their behavior, now is the time to take action to subdue your hijacker, here's how:
- First, do not suddenly try to wrestle away the controls from your teen, this situation took a while to develop and it's going to take time and effort to get your teen the help they need and regain your footing as a family.
- Second, keep in mind that this hijacker snuck up on you. Most likely you allowed your troubled teen to take over with the best of intentions, you acquiesced as a reaction to scary behavior or because you didn't want anyone to get hurt.
- Third, when real hijackers take over a plane professionals are called in to defuse the situation; you need to do the same. The entire family needs assistance dealing with the inappropriate shift in power and getting things back on track, consider getting help in family therapy. Not only does your troubled teen need help with their problems, it's time to look at your family dynamics and ways to get the parents back in charge.
- Fourth, get support and understanding for yourself in de-briefing from what you're going through. Dealing with a troubled teen is difficult, even for the most exceptional parent. Find at least one other person to confide in, a spouse, partner, relative or friend - or consider joining a parent support group.
- Fifth, find a way to track progress. When parents realize what's happened it's tempting to get angry and expect the situation to quickly improve. It may help to write down what's been going on so it's easier to see that progress is being made.
Disarming a troubled teen who has turned into a hijacker can be a long, scary journey - but it's also often the impetus parents need to learn to fly again without interference from their troubled teen.
Quick Links: Troubled Teens