Hi, I was discussing summer plans with my husband since we have one 14-year-old DD. Since she has lots of girlfriends who either come to our house and go to their houses, we stick to our rules about knowing where she is and being at a house with an adult around. She is allowed to walk downtown with a friend or has met a friend and returned home at a set time, since we live only 10 minutes away.
This summer, she wants to hang out with friends and not to any camps. I talked with my husband about taking turns, using vacation time, to be home in the afternoons since she and her friends make a lot of last-minute plans. Plus, now she has made two new friends of high-school age who live down the street. I have met them and talked with their parents, etc. Another reason to enforce the rules. Yesterday, my husband said I was obsessing too much and that we should give her trust and only when she breaks a rule in a major way, then we should punish her severely. But I shouldn't worry about which of us is home each day at the exact time. Granted, we have been under stress since November over illnesses in my family i.e. aging parents, etc.
Am I overreacting in insisting one of us be home every weekday at a certain time? Thanks.
Denise's thoughts:
I don't think you're being over cautious at all. I have a 14 yo dd and she is going to different camps this summer, plus has a few babysitting jobs to keep her busy. But if there were two teen boys down the street, hubby or I would be home with her and even then doing some checking up. It's not her, it's the two teen boys ;-)
The 'giving her enough rope to hang herself' and then punishing her when she does only creates a lose-lose situation. Sit down with her, discuss the summer, give her options and different camps or things to do, but do not allow her too much freedom, just enough that she can use to succeed. Make sure you tell her that too. Set her up to win instead of setting her up to fail.
From Our Community:
“It's good that your DD makes new friends, but I'm not too much in favor of having them with big age differences. If that's not the case with the high schoolers down the street, and you are comfortable with their families, fine -- but why does that raise the matter of enforcing rules? Or is there more to it? At 12, fairly close monitoring is warranted. At 16 a fair bit of independence may be OK. At 14, it depends a lot on the individual, her judgment, her ability to refuse/resist things she shouldn't do/try, ao no quick rule works.
Someone need not be home every afternoon IF you know what is or will be going on. Again, it depends on your DD. A whole summer without any camps or programs may not be the best thing, although a lot of kids make it through just fine. I'd vote for some out-of-the-ordinary experience, whether family vacation to a new place, or possibly just a week "in the woods". But whatever way you choose, don't impose consequences only for a major breach of trust or rules, but for anything consequential.” - NYDad
Read more about this post on our forum: Parenting Support & Advice
