Parent of Older Teen Asks: How do I let go?

I understand completely. My oldest son is now 23 years old. He was a pretty good teen but I worked with teens and knew how easy it is for them to make a bad choice, or act impulsively which can alter their lives forever. When he was 17, I realized how quickly 18 would come and that I would no longer be legally responsible for him. I had several long talks with him about what would be expected of him entering his senior year of high school as he turned 18 right before going into his senior year. I explained that whatever choices he made, he would have to live with the consequences – including legal consequences. I gave him the house rules as far as grades (As & Bs expected), friends over, curfew (12:00 on school nights – when ever on weekends but not to disturb anyone as he was coming in), drugs & alcohol (none), keeping a job, etc. I am the tough parent and, most often, the parent who gives the consequences, makes them take responsiblity for their actions and refuses to bail, or let their dad, bail them out of trouble. Because I am a licensed counselor and work with all kinds of problems, and interact regularly with the legal system, my son had a very good understanding of the legal ramifications of many behaviors. I also made it clear that he could talk to me about things and I would listen. I had to train myself not to judge him or his decisions-easier to do with clients than with one’s own children. I rarely gave advice except when asked. If I had a concern, instead of telling him what he should do, I asked him what he would do if such-n-such happened. I reminded myself that I wanted him to learn to make good choices while I was around rather than him charging out into the world unprepared after graduation. I slept better knowing that I could have some effect on him without battling for control. He made it through these past few years pretty well. He has made some decisions that weren’t thought out but he acknowledges them and tries to think differently now. I don’t think you ever ‘let go’ but you have to teach yourself to step back, be open to them and let them make, correct and learn from their own mistakes. Good luck!

Thanks for this. I have a 17.5 year old and am a single mum. It’ s hard to step back and trust that you have done all you could do to prepare your child for the world when all you want to do is wrap them up and keep them safe and happy. Life is this continual process of letting go and children teach us that best of all. I know all this and still I cry!

Letting go of our second young adult just happened 3 weeks ago for us as we moved her to college. When we moved our first to college last fall, the orientation advisors recommended a great book, “Letting Go: A Parent’s Guide to Understanding the College Years”. It is excellent. I have read and re-read it. You ultimately have to trust them and know that you, too, severed ties and made decisions for yourself long ago. It’s part of the learning curve. However deeply hidden, the values haven’t left them.

Dear Mom:
At age 17 most adolecents are getting ready for their complete freedom, they do not want to be treated as children anymore. The pourpose of the perents is not to keep children for ever but to provide for them good bases to become responsible adults and to help them into that transition. As an adult he wants to make his own decisions and he will be responsible for those decision that he make. For the 18 years old the step to adulthood means be independence, managing his life to his desire, to elect his own friends, his clothig, his daily activities and much more. Your job as a mother never finish, Remember one thing, even if he does not allow you to get in his life, you must be available to give him your support and be there when and emergency happen. Remember that you have done a great job as a active parent, you have placed in his hands the tools necessary to be successful, you must allow him to make his own choice in how to use them.
Let Go he will still loving you and expecting your trust in him.

I just want to express my thanks for this thread. I’m going to keep referring to it.

I have two sons in the thick of this time period – with all of the ups and downs. One is 19 and one is nearing 17 and being the sensitive introvert that I am, it nearly kills me to witness some of their ill-thought decisions.

Hi concerned parent!
I´m a parent and a certified counselor as well, from Argentina, though.Definitely, we do not share the same cultural patterns regarding our children´s bringing up.Anyway,”Parents will be Parents”, and we all share the same love for our offsprings.
Now,if I may say so: why should children leave home at such a young age? Who can tell they have already had enough NURTURE from their old- and- betters, at only 18 , to be able to make their own decisions and fence for themselves? Adolescence is delayed in these times, and it´s the hardest time for making decisions as teens are struggling to start shapping their identity: they are not children any longer; they are not adults yet. Some ordeal! No wonder they come back to their parents´at the age they should already be living on their own or starting a family ( in their early thirties-I dare say).I can state they do so not because they can´t afford the rocketing prices of appartments or the such, but because they need to round off their unfulfilled chilhood under the guide, support , encouragement and love of their parents.
And we, adults should be consistent and
let our hearts lead us , rather than costumes or conventions.
Only by listening to our hearts will we, parents make the best for our loved ones.
In short, I don´t think you, concerned parent should jump to decisions; take your time, think it over, talk it over with your child,help him/her REFLECT about the pros and cons of such a decision – after all, we should shape reflective human beings-.Only after all that, you will be able to walk your talk.
I´ll appreciate any feedback. Sincerely,
Haydée (from Argentina)

Haydee,

I totally agree with you. My son turned 18 in July with a year left of high school. Legally is in an adult, only by age. In most other areas he is not. He does not understand so much about the world but still feels like he should have all of the ‘rights’ as an adult without the responsibilities.

He cannot survive on his own but does not feel like he should have to follow my rules.

We have a counseling appt. today. He said he is ‘choosing’ not to go. I have suspended his cell phone (which I pay 100%).

To make matters worse, he is ADD and not using the tools available to him. He is inconsistent in taking his meds and in turn becomes quite impulsive.

By the way, I am a single parent and have been since he was 1 1/2 years old.

Thank you for listening. I will take any advice you have to give.

D

Haydée, I think you’re misunderstanding the situation. The son is leaving because the son wants to and at age 18 a parent cannot stop him. She would like to be able to stop him and keep him home longer, but he is not listening to her.

Hi parentingteens!
I may´ve missed some points: Will he be self-sufficient? Will he pay for his own housing and expenses? If so, and given that he WON´T listen to any piece of advice, there´s no way out. But, what if his parents have to “foot the bill”? Aren´t they entitled to set limits? Free-will brings about commitment and responsabilities. Besides, Is he leaving”just because he wants to try himself out” or because he´s starting College somewhere else?- quite different reasons- Should it be the first one, why not just say “I don´t think it the right time yet”.
Haydée
Appreciate feedback

Hi from a mom of 2,

speaking from exprience our oldest graduated june of 07 and our youngest turned 18 june of 07 all within 1 wk (this was an emtional trip) maybe it should be call a different stage in our life a growth for our children and for us – the year between 17 and 18 is extremly hard but when one turns 18 someting changes now you are the proud parent of an adult – (I’m a mother of an adult child – oh my – i shake my head everyday over this one)

for me it is not about letting go but accepting we have adult children that want to learn to walk on their own (this is better then them living with you forever lol) he will come to you because you will always be his safe place the one who understatnds when no one else does (even when you think you dont)

“My question is, when does the pain and worry stop eating at a person? ”
noone can instructe you to let go – it is something that you and your child must go through to mature to the next stage of your journey – I can tell you the pain does get easier – I’m not at the level that it is gone – as for your worries they will continue to change as a parent I dont think we ever stop worry about our children but we do seem to accept them being an adult

“I was not prepared for this. Will it be easier with the other children since this is the first? ”

Its funny when our baby is born 18 seems so far away then one day we wake up and feel unprepared when this is what you and your family have been prepareing for – as for the other children being easier I say no way they are all a special growth for you – just keep the love in your heart – memories in your head – happiness knowing they are moving forward

A small story that helped me through the hump

our youngest always said he was going to move out when he turned 18 -once I relized he seem to say it to get his way or to check our reaction i gave this statement some thought and here is my thought “Well we do want you to move out we would hate to see at 30 living by our rules – crufews – asking premission to have friends over – letting us know where your going – this was when i relized I dont want my children to live with us forever and as I was trying to express this to our son one day he respond with the following statment
“my electric may be turned off someday, I may not be able to pay my rent, I may have to go without some things that you have given me but I will be ok” this was it for me we did well he is awsome he understands he will make mistakes but will pull through it he will keep growing in his ups and downs of life – I gave him a mothers smile of acceptenc turned and walked away “shocked and processing my new information” the more i walked the more i smiled and relized I’m mom and he is going to be ok.

My prayers is always with him and I trust in God to keep him guided where I can not.

Thank you for allowing me to share my story just another understanding for me that we all have journeys

Hi haydee, That is the problem, he thinks he can foot the bill and he is not listening. There isn’t much she can do but wait, be there and hopethat life chooses to teach him a lesson that he can learn from.

Hi. I am the mom of the 18 year old we are talking about. The problem, in a nut-shell, is that he has ONE MORE YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL!! He is NOT self sufficient, I have taken his truck because it is in my name and since he has NO JOB NOW, he can not pay for it. This started when he began hanging out with a bunch of very FUN kids, who either have already graduated or have quit high school. He is drinking and having sex too.
I pulled ALL support except for his cell,,, and that is for MY benefit.
I Do want my child to move out,,,,when he goes to college. Not before his senior year.
He is not living how he was raised. He will not listen to reason,, so I am left to wait it out, and hope he comes to his senses before he makes a decision that will adversley affect his whole life.
I am not just an over protective mother or anything,, I guess I should have said,,,”How do I let go knowing what bad choices he is making?”
I really appreciate all the responses,, it means a lot to me, and gives me the opportunity to think about things in different ways.
Thanks to everyone!

I am going through the EXACT same thing, down to the last detail. My 17 1/2 year old left and does not even get in touch with us. He had an awful Junior year, fell into the also FUN crowd you mention, we also took the truck and phone. I am upset and sad all the time, it’s been a month. I am just now calming down and trying to focus on my younger teen. My heart breaks for you because I know it is painful and so unnecessary. I too would be fine if he was already graduated. I really think there is nothing you can do but let them go down this path, hope the basics they were raised with come back, hope they learn the necessary lessons and that it all turns out okay. Good Luck…. you are not alone.

Hi, I, too, am a Mom of a 17 year old boy. I worry all of the time! He just got his drivers license and he’s out all of the time. He doesn’t adhere to the laws regarding 1 other person in his car and the 12:00 curfew (again the law). Junior year was horrible! He also now has a girlfriend (just one more worry). I was widowed early so I’m doing this by myself and “it ain’t easy!!”

Oh my goodness am I glad I fell into this thread! I am going through the same thing with my daughter…Immediately after she got her license she thought she ruled the world and could do whatever…lied about where she was going multiple times driving 40mins on the freeway after I asked her not to until she was more experienced –of course this was to see her boyfriend…I took the car and cell phone away…she completely flipped out…stole my bf’s car and crashed it $2000 worth of damage and she was excluded so insurance won’t cover. Luckily so far the other person she hit did not put in a claim(as of yet)…she had my spare key to my car under her matress. So she didn’t like her restriction so she ran off to live with her bf and his gma telling them lies about me and what a horrible mother I am. The gma believes it(she’s not too bright) and supports her living there…I had the cops out there…she had a feeling they were coming so skipped to someone elses house(prob her bf’s mom’s)….too long of a story to really get into….I will not be enlisting her in a school out there so she will prob fail out of senior year It is very heartbreaking so I feel all of you that are going through this…This is in no way how I raised her…her friends and my family are all in disbelief saying we never thought “She” would be this way! All I can say I hope they all learn their hard lesson sooner than later!

Boy am I glad I found this site. My daughter turned 18 in May. She has always been a pretty good girl. But she did a personality change her senior year in high school. Kinda like starting to pull away from me. She got her license her junior year, but I had been letting her drive more her senior year. We have only one car so she started dropping me off at work and go on to school. That was ok, except when I had to start waiting on her to pick me up. Then her brother gave her a car while his girlfriend was out of town. Now I never see her until 2:00 in the a.m. Lying about where she has been. I dont think that you have to be out every night that late. She is scheduled to go to college in August and I can’t wait.

it is so hard for me to understand why my son left, he left on monday night , came home got his bags that he had packed and in his closet, i knew he had them packed but just thought he was trying to teach me a lesson about nagging at him, we used to be so close, and he really changed his jr. yr. , but not really, he was feeling the same depression but much worse, we tried a counselor, definetely not the right one, i suggested another or possibly antidepressants, not that i’m for them but he cant seem to get out of his funk, told him to look up info. on the internet for depression and take the test, he did and said he came up severely depresssed, and it suggested he make drastic changes in his life, and he says this is why he’s doing this, in a sense i can understand why, but can’t stand the thought of him leaving, we talk and i’ve been to where he moved into, not liking it very much, the boys are in a band and their girlfriends live with them also, he will have a room of his own and pay rent, he has always pd for his car, gas, etc., we pay car ins., phone and med. ins., now he will pay car ins. and phone ,i want to do his laundry and provide him with food , i gave him a store coupon for $25 and want to give him more along the way , he says the girlfriends do everyones laundry , but i don’t like that,
what should i do? am i trying to be too much in his home life, he hugs me and tells me , it’s not like we won’t see each other, we text each other, and i feel like i’m just dying inside and that i will never find anything to be happy about again, he is an only child and i have to pull it together for my husbands and my own sanity, i just cant seem to get there yet. help

tests time machine

I have had my heart ripped out by my, now 18 yr old daughter for the last year. Today, As I struggled to find answers all the while blaming myself for her behavior. I sat down and wrote down all of the things she has done, including drugs(pot, cocaine, pills, alcohol)lying, stealing, sneaking out, staying out all night, moving out with a boy at age 17( he was 22) the list went on and on and then all the horrible things she did to me, things she said , hitting me, etc. I found that I had forgotten all of those bad things. As a parent you forget the bad and remember the good stuff. Now I feel much better about myself and suggest that all parents with troubled teens do the same thing, you will find that you have done the best you possible could do for your child and that they should be ashamed of themselves for putting you through all of this turmoil and heartbreak. All you can do is cry, pray, hope for the best and move on with your life, and hope that someday they take responsibility for thier actions and ask for forgiveness.

Thankyou Connie and everyone else on this thread.
I really related to you all. My now 17yo son has been giving me hell for the past 2 years, leaving home 6 months ago to live 3hours drive away with my estranged ex husband, whom had nothing to do with my 3 children since divorce 8 years ago. No mainteenance , support of any kind.
I have remained single all this time, pouring all my time love and guidance into my 3 children.
The middle child, 17yo boy has rebelled and hurt me so much, with all the above, sneaking out till all hours, falling out of high school, mixing in ‘fun’group, peers and him have this awful, false idea of me and show no respect at all. My other 2 children are also so hurt, and dont understand all this angst from him.
I opened this thread today to get tools to ‘let go’ and I am going to remember the bad things too, because this has not had to be the road he took, I am not that shcocked thathe has contacted his dad, but it still hurts with how he treats me and his siblings…thankyou from me in Australiax

My daughter turned 18 in Dec. 07. She tried to pull the “I’m 18 and can do what I want” trick in Jan. 08 but was still in High School so we managed to get through that. She planned to go to community college and live at home for at least the first year as her older brother did.

Since graduation, she’s become lazy and inconsiderate regarding her home and family. She works a few nights a week and has been an excellent employee until the last few weeks. She didn’t show up for work, told me they called her and said she didn’t need to come in but I answered the phone when they called looking for her. So that was a lie.

She also starting dating a guy who’s 24, which we were not at all happy about. We met him and he seemed nice at first. He had a decent job and said he was still living at home to help his Mom after his stepfather died but he’s been lying more and more to my daughter so I think he’s just lazy and really spends more time at his sister’s house with her husband.

My daughter has spent several nights the last few weeks with a female friend from school who has her own apt. (At last that’s what she’s telling us.) She comes from a nice family, I’ve known since they were together in elementary school but apparently she moved out right before graduation because she and her parents didn’t get along. I don’t know if her parents are helping her with expenses or not but she’s planning to start community college in the fall.

Now my daughter says she’s moving in with her and probably won’t go to school. I’d rather let her go now before we really get into an argument about it and she leaves angry. If she were more mature and stable I know it would be the right thing to let her go. But she’s been in counseling throughout high school. I’m so afraid she’ll do something stupid and we won’t be able to help her.

All of this sounds so similar, I can almost laugh. My daughter was a good student all thru grade school. Middle school started the turn for the worst. But I have to say she made it thru and graduated from high school with her class in June 2008. It was by the skin of her teeth, but she did it! She also turned 18 during her senior year and tried the “I’m 18 and can do what I want.” Until her stepfather and I made it known that we would talk again when she was out of high school. And tried to be a bit more lenient, since we knew in January that June wasn’t far off. She ditched so much her senior year that since she was 18 she would have been thrown out of school. For her, at least, it wasn’t hanging out with the wrong crowd, guys, or anything like that. It was that she had a low self-esteem and when she got picked on, she didn’t fight back, she just took it. Being pushed down constantly is good for the psyche. She had no friends in high school. If you saw her picture, you would comment on how beautiful she is on the outside and once you know her, she is just as beautiful on the inside. She moved away for summer to live with her dad (1.5 hours away). She met a nice guy that has fallen head over heels for her. And she feels the same way. He wants to put aside his college and work full time to allow her to go to school. I don’t know if she is ready for the “moving in” thing yet, but she has voiced her concerns about responsibility and he is helping her work thru them. We have a saying in our home: I will ALWAYS love you, there are just some times I don’t like you! And she and I are doing that right now. She knows that I will support her mentally (since I have always believed in her!!and been there for her!), but she has to be financially responsible for herself. I can give her hugs and sweat equity, but no money. For background: her father and I divorced when she was 3 1/2. Her stepfather has been in the picture since then. She is my only. And also the only grandchild in my family (grandparents bought her a new Kia for graduation and paid for all schooling for as long as she wants to go-ie tuition, fees and books. She must pay car insurance and extra stuff on her cell phone.)

Bottom line is that you have to believe that you have given them the right values, etc. to be a responsible adult! They may do fine, or they may take the wrong path. (There will not be a day that I don’t worry about her.) And it is VERY hard to let them go! But I have to let her go and try… Whether you believe in their lifestyle or not, or like their friends or not. You have to let them go.

So, kiss and hug them and make them know that you are always there in whatever way you can be! And giving a little prayer to God now and then doesn’t hurt either!

I wish all parents of teen/adults that are going thru life changes, to give them a chance! They will make it thru! Didn’t you!!??

Wow I’m glad I happened on to this site I like so many of you feel all alone like I am the only one going through this. My daughter is 21 (she will be 22 in December). She graduated from high school in 2005 she has attended 2 colleges and she is still a freshman. Need I say more? Since she has not kept up her grades, she is not eligible for any kind of grant or anything. So between us and her grandparents we have been paying for her to go to school. She has not had a job for one year, just recently she decided to sell jewelry. She goes out every night, comes in at all hours, doesn’t do anything we ask her to do. When her cell phone call up for a new contract, we cancelled because our cell phone bill was averaging $250 a month. She had 1200 text messages in 1 month. My husband and I finally decided enough was enough. She packed all her clothes, took her birds, left her dog and we haven’t heard one word since. I’m happy to say although I’ve cried many tears, I haven’t called or tried to get in touch with her in any way. We even changed all the locks. My husband said that she can’t come back after the way she has treated us. Any comments or suggestions are welcome. If I have any words of advice I would say, say NO and mean NO. I waivered and created a person who is self-centered and thinks of one person herself!!

@3:08 AM, reading all the posts, I must be in the same boat with everyone.

My daughter as soon as she turned 20 in April (2011), pulled a “I’m 20 I can do whatever I want”. Like everyone else, who experienced the usual, laziness, uncaring and self-centeredness, I’ve been there myself. I love my daughter, but like you enough is enough. I had to let go. She didn’t call for a month, didn’t greet me on Mother’s day, called me a bitch, left her room unclean, so I was left with 4 garbage bags to get rid off, 3 bags of clothes….and so on.

She emailed me last night asking for my social security number so she can apply for FAFSA. I decided not to give her that since, it’s my only identity protection.

Teenagers will be teenagers. I spoke to my brother last night. He said, whatever happens, it will take its course. Everything will shape its answer in time. Will wait this one out.

My daughter is only 13 and is already starting to behave like some of the 17 and 18 yr olds above. She thinks she should be able to make ALL of her own decisions, go wherever she wants and be with whomever she wants. So far, we’ve prevented her from being places we don’t know about, there is always a parent there and we insist on picking up and dropping off. But I’m seeing the start of something scary…someone who is going to sneak and lie and do things that could alter the course of her life.

She is a brilliant and talented person who loves school and has soooo much potential potential for a fabulous life (if she doesn’t screw it up). I don’t know how to keep her on a path that is not destructive to her future.

If she is pushing to live her life completely ‘her’ way at 13, I can only think it’s going to get much worse over the next 5 and more years. She has a stable home and we have raised her to be responsible for her own actions. But she’s just determined to act 17 at only 13 years of age.

This seemed to happen just in the last year.

How do we get her to slow down, focus on school and not grow up WAY faster than what is good for her without completely losing her through TOTAL rebellion?

Wow, I knew that I could not be the only parent with these kinds of issues with their child. My daughter is 17 and will be going to college in August (turns 18 in September). My friends look at me funny when I say that I can’t wait for her to leave–it can’t come soon enough. I am counting the days. I am so ready for her to go. She is so argumentative and disrespectful and just so plain unpleasant to be around. Getting her do anything or follow the house rules is a significant effort and as a single parent I am just plain tired. And, yes, those locks are getting changed! Her father (my ex), who lives in a different state, after first siding with her against me as the common enemy finally saw enough of her that he told her to “have a nice life” last week after he saw her at Christmas. And, while I can’t stand my ex, I can’t say that I blame him. I have been the responsible parent and done everything I possibly could for her, and I will see this through until she is off to college (or just plain “off” at 18), but I am spent. Parenting was such a joy until about the time she turned 15, and then, look out, she changed. I love her, and perhaps I may even like her again some day–I don’t now, and I am not ashamed to say so–just calling it like it is.

OLa9hE hi! hooli?

Hi! We can totally relate with all I mean all of the stories. Our stories are combination of everyone’s experience.

It’s suckie to be parent. One day when they have their own children, maybe they will realize how much pain they put us through.

Hi! I have a daughter who will 17 in about a week and she wants to go to an under 21 club with her best friend on her birthday. This club recently opened and has had a good turn out. She is our first child and it is difficult for me to let her grow up. Do I let her go? She is driving and a good driver and I trust her. I’m just having a hard time letting her grow up.

I am so glad I found this website. I was looking for parenting tips on how to let go because I am having a horrible time. My daughter will be 18 in a couple of months and she is a Junior. I started homeschooling her though a virtual on line school the beginning of her Junior year at her request, she says there is to much drama at school. She has done very well and will graduate early. She is currently signing up for college and has had her own car for about 1 year now. She is a really good kid but, I am having a hard time letting go when it comes to her going out or who she is with etc. I always stick my nose where it does not belong for example, who are you on the phone with, who are you texting, where are you, when will you be home, where are you going, etc. She always responds to me with “Mom, please!”. I know she is right. She does talk to me about what is going on in her life but I heard her on the phone with her friend the other day and she was telling her about an argument that her and another girl got into (a girl that I don’t like) and my daughter was telling her friend that she was tired of this girl telling her what to do and who to talk to and that if she needed a lecture she would just talk to her mom about it! WOW that hurt. I told my daughter I heard what she said and she just hugged me and told me loved me and she was sorry but I do lecture her and it was ok that is my job but she did not need a lecture at that time. Now my daughter is telling me that I am to over protective of her 12 year old brother and that I need to pull back a little and let him grow up, I know she is right but boy it hard to do and hard to hear from your 17 y.o. daughter. My sister asked my daughter if she was excited about college and she said oh yeah! then my sister asked if she was going to stay in the Dorm Rooms and my daughter told her No, that she was not ready to be out on her own and that she really wanted to finish college before she moved out on her own. I was so relieved, but my sister thinks this is bad and that my daughter may never move out, any thoughts?

Gina I relate to your situation. My daughter turned 18 in February. She’s in high school full time for the first time because we had all (she, her dad and myself) decided to homeschool her. Last year after watching friends graduate she realized that she wanted that too. the problem is that she hasn’t been as responsible as your daughter and hardly did any of her online courses so she does not have enough credits. I did manage to get her enrolled in the university here with a home-made transcript. She will get her GED and has already taken the ACT. She is a smart girl but I think very lazy. She is only going to school for the social life, which is ok with us but when she doesn’t come home when expected (after track) and doesn’t bother to call even though we pay for her to have a phone, I tend to get really frusterated! She has never had a real job and so of course we pay for her gas and insurance and any other expense. We have 8 younger children so it’s not very easy to come up with much money. I like to provide for her, I just would like some respect for all that we do for her. She has a simple chore, (dishes.) I feel like she is very selfish and takes advantage of us. I am very glad that I haven’t had to worry about drugs and alcohol but sometimes I wonder, when she doesn’t call. She has a new, “sort of” boyfriend, who lives very close to the high school and I am always pretty confident that she is with him. So on one hand it’s a relief to know she’s probably there but at the same time I wonder if I need to make sure she has birth control. Our rule is that there will be no sexual activity as long as our kids live at home and we are providing for them. When they can take care of themselves I will not ask.

as a teen i think that parents should just let their teens go after a certain point because there is only so much you can teach them about life, other things they will need to know about life will have to be learned once they live their own lives. they have to experience things for themselves. parents need not smother their teens because the more they do that the more distant that teen will become towards his or her parent(s). parents should know that letting go is one thing they are doing to show their teen that they trust them. teens need to feel like they are trusted to do right and they have independence. they also need to feel as though they are growing up. a teen cannot feel as though they are growing up if their parents it smothering them. parents let your teens go and become men and women and get on with your lives. let them….let us live our own lives.

I too am going through a lot of the same things as all of you. I have a 17, 18, & 19 year old. I am 36 years old, a military wife and have dedicated everything to raise my kids in the “right”way. However, my intentions did not yeild the expected results. We are currently in the process of moving to Korea in the next month. My only son who is 18 years old would and has one year of school left refuses to go. My daughter who is my first born wants to move to Texas where we are from with my sister. My situation is that they have been spoiled and sheltered due to my horrible life as a teen battered and abused. I sucessfully raised them in a different enviroment but they behave as if they grew up in the exact way I did. I am literally stressed out in trying to convince them that it is in their best interest to go with the family. They are willing to give up their car, bank accounts, cell, computers,furniture…everything to go off on their own. Only one of them has had a job in their life and after 6 months of Walmart, she quit because “she didn’t like it anymore”. The oldest wont go to college. I put her in there, signed he up for classes two semesters, she withdrew one semseter and the other she only completed one out of four.
I have tried everything you will think of to respond. Prayer, practical ideals, power, perseverance…and not only am I miserable, they are and are showing signs of depression. The whole house is in an uproar, and I still have a 10 year old to raise.

Please pray for me.

I just went through a really rough time with my son who is now 18. When he was 17 he got in with the wrong crowd and they stole and robbed peoples cars and homes, including our home and family members homes. My son is now 18 with 2 felonies. He never was able to graduate because he spend 3 months in jail. Now we are a middle class loving family.
My son played baseball, his father and I have been married 27 years, he has a wonderful boyhood and we thought we did all the right stuff. When he was in 9th grade his grades started dropping and the problems escalated over his 9-10th and 11th grade years until it was out of control quickly, sure we grounded him, we took away everything at one point.
We talked to him, we put him in counseling, we did everything we could possibly do.
He was in with the wrong bunch and though we forbid him to see these people at 17 in the STATE we live in, kids can move out on their own and the police will do nothing he was couch surfing and we had no control over his behavior, legally, yet we were still legally liable for him. Finally when he robbed a family member they pressed charges and he went to jail.
Now he has 5 years probation and felonies.
He had a nearly impossible task of getting a job.. and it is heart breaking. I can tell all parents out there. BECAREFUL.. it can turn in a heartbeat. Watch your kids, parent your kids, watch out for their best interest.

I have been having a hard time with letting go. I didn’t even realize that’s what it was.

I’ve pushed my daughter who is now 17 to do everything early. Drive, have a job. Ive expected good grades. There has always been consequences to her actions and consistency with discipline. She has always been a good kid but we fight frequently over mostly friends who do not have discipline at home like her. We talk alot about addiction to drugs and alcohol because I come from a family of these problems and I am a freak about any of it. I am often very critical of others and question them about doing drugs if they look like someone who would do drugs even if they don’t.
She has a very good head on her shoulder and is very smart. She’s a good kid but she tends to feel sorry for people and depends too much on friends which is the opposite of me. I talk to people that I know but am basically a loner and have always kept to myself. I lack trust in people because of what I had to go through as a child. I’m afraid she will go through life trying to save everyone and let them take advantage of her.

I never experienced the breaking away like her because my parents died of cancer in my teens and I had to grow up and move on even if I didn’t want to. I wanted to stay at home and go to college so I could take care of my mother but didn’t get to. My daughter disrespects me sometimes and wants to take care of her friends instead.

I am so confused, sad and heartbroken. Reading these other stories has helped me realize that there are so many people going through similar situations. Our daughter, who is 18, told us that her and a friend are going to get jobs and find an apartment sometime. We were ok with this, then last week out of the blue she said that she wanted to leave and she packed up her bags. We know that she had a fight with her friend and then things were ok – it just seemed like she was leaving in a panic. I asked if she could wait a week or wait until she found a job, but she wanted to leave NOW… We understood that her friend’s parents were ok with her going over for a few days and then they were going to stay with some friends – but when we drove her over to the friend’s house, it seemed nothing was really planned (the parents didn’t know what was going on either) – anyways she moved to her friend’s house (the parents have an extra room for her) and while there she is still going to school and looking for a job. They are also talking about moving in with a couple of other girls until they can afford and find their own place. I have been keeping in touch with her (let her keep the cell phone so I can reach her) and at times she seems to be thinking things through – but what upsets me the most is that she seemed to panic and it seemed like the friend may have made her believe that things were planned out when they weren’t….. we know she is safe, but it still hurts to think about how she left… I am having such a hard time adjusting – we used to see her everyday and were very involved with helping her get to school, etc – now she it trying to do all of this on her own…. it is good that she is staying in school and looking for a job, etc – it just would have been nice if she left in a more organized way – like having a job first… we would have evened helped her. (maybe that is the me not letting go – but it would have just made more sense)
I think of her all the time and am just hoping that she makes the right choices. This is so much harder that I ever thought it would have been.

Confused mom:

I feel so much like you do right now.

In my case, my daughter (18) is an only child. When I read through many of the comments here — so many of those responding have other children and even the author’s statement to those who have written in was to “focus on your other children”.

She is my ONLY child.

My daughter moved out this past weekend into her boyfriend’s house with his parents and their other children.

She is a freshman in college and has a part-time job. A true dream come true for the parents of this boy who stays up all night playing video games, sleeps most of the day, doesn’t work and doesn’t attend college.

My husband and I are at a complete loss and have no idea what to do. We have always had a wonderful relationship with her and have been helping her in every way possible with her first year of college.

We plan to do what you’ve done as far as giving her a cell phone to keep in touch and will do that today.

This is my daughter’s first love and as I said, she fell HARD.

I just never dreamed that not only would she move out like this; but that the boy’s parents are so incredibly happy she’s moving in with them. I only hope that my daughter will stay in touch with me and my husband.

It sounds like you are communicating with your daughter often.

You are so right. This is INCREDIBLY heartbreaking!!

This is an old post, but I wanted to comment, mainly to ask how things turned out. I am a parent of a 17 year old and we, too, have always felt we had a good relationship with our only child, also a girl. She has a boyfriend that she has grown very, very close to and wants to see all the time. We struggle with loosening the rope and giving her more freedom. I can just see the same type of scenario happen.

How did it work out with your daughter?

From Worried Mom

I just wanted to say that I hope the parent’s who have written about their experiences stop back in here with updates on their situations.

This is obviously a trying time for everyone of us who has written in, and if we can stop back in and provide updates – it would be very valuable as we all work through this.

Thank you so much!

I found an interesting online book talking about letting go and different situations….

http://www.support4change.com/relationships/letgo/book-intro.html#toc

I am a single mother of a 22yrs old boy, and I did have the best of childhood lives, his father and I have been divorced for 18yrs and he wasn’t what a father should be to hiself less long our son. So I have did it all for him (the teaching, discpline, sex talks, etc…), so I don’t know how to let go!!!!! It’s been me & him for all this time. Any advice??????

am sorry I didn’t proofread my other statement. I DID NOT HAVE A GOOD OR FAIR CHILDHOOD. HELP because I want him to be the best man he can. I just don’t know how to LET GO!!!!!!!

Momsonlyson: I hope that someone with a son will pop in with some good advice for you.

When I last wrote in here (4 months ago) my 18 year old daughter had moved into her boyfriend’s house with his parents & siblings.

That lasted about a week and she’e been home since then, however, we do allow her to stay at his house 1 or 2 weekend nights per week. The boyfriend’s mom claims they stay in different rooms, but…. well… what can I do? She’ll be 19 in a few months.

At least this way, I know where she is and when she’s coming home. It gives her that little bit of freedom she’s seeking.

Wow, was it ever tough when she first took off, and it was tough to even decide to allow these sleepovers. But like others have said, there’s just so much we can do after they’ve turned 18. At least I know she’s safe, she and her boyfriend don’t drink, take drugs, or smoke — so I know that my situation could always be worse.

You didn’t mention whether your son was living at home or going to school. Maybe you could add more info?

I never thought motherhood would be so painful. I remember the stunts I did as a teen and I realize at 46 we all have free will and we have to accept our choices. My 21 year old would rather live with friend’s parents then live with me and the man I married. My 18 year old in 2 months would rather live with my friend in an apartment. One word. DIVORCE. I am writting this because my childrens family life was perfect, water sking, private lessons of all sorts but their own mother was dealing with a spouse who loved women. I finally had strength to get out, moved 3 doors down and the man opened his home, wallet, and security. I am writting this because i almost left a great man because children are self centered and would rather see you alone then happy. Sometimes women have to let go and accept the evil of divorce can not be handled with new marriage, security and rose colored glasses. The children do not adapt and make a warm, happy home. Let go There was never a day of abuse but these children can not accept a new life, new home and new father. We do the best we can to give love, sit on the couch on Friday nights waiting for our children in need, support friends, buy cars at 16, and they still can not be respectful of your choice for survival. Unfortunately, to survive in life, sometimes you have to let go, pray for your children and never feel guilty when you know you have never done anything but LOVE and Support your angels. I have to let go and understand they have alot of pain and they have to start making choices that has nothing to do with my ex, my new spouse and myself. I believe, by 18 you have given all the wisdom, now they have to experience pain, love and bills. Letting go healthy is knowing you have done your best and start enjoying the empty nest. I hope this helps one women cope with the pain your children cause and you can feel good at night knowing you did your best next to your friend and partner.

Momsonlyson-I read that true happiness can never be with one person. After that day I looked at relationships differently and started to let go. I never want to be like my mother-in-law who was there for every financial mishap, every moment that caused pain, and I remember my mothers words when I called complaining, “When you left and married I had to let go and enjoy the new nest, make new friends and fill my life with new.” Now a son who is an adult, be proud, enjoy watching and being there but let go. Start new groups, go to activities, talk to a neighbor and fill your life with relationships. Your son will be proud, you can show off all your pictures and start new.

Hi I am so glad that I found this site. I am a single mom of a 20 year old son. I have raised him by myself since he was 6 months old. We were very close up until he graduated high school and things changed including our relationship. He and his dad have never had a close relationship although I have tried very hard to encourage the two of them to spend time together etc. My son was a really good kid until after he graduated high school. He was 19 when he got a job with an inventory company which involved traveling. He totally changed. He started taking drugs and smoking pot. His dad and I confronted him and drug tested him. The drug test came back positive. He promised to straighten up but things just continued to get worse. He has stolen my pain meds, money, etc from me since that time. I have tried to lock him out of the house so that he can not get in unless I am here which is 99% of the time but he continued to break into my home so I finally gave him back his door key. He is very disrespectful to the point that he is cruel to me. This behavior started a year and a half ago and life has been hell during this time. He has moved in and out several times, at times I did not know where he was and went months on end without hearing from him…..during these periods I worried so much that I could not eat or sleen and I am not doing much better now. In June he came back home and apologized for stealing from me and the things that he had done and asked could he come back home. I said yes and set down several basic rules and conditions under which he could move back in with me. The first day or two was great then things went down hill from there. He is still working and I have to force him to pay his bills by threatening to make him move back out. He does not come home on weekends or call to let me know he is safe which was also one of the rules that he agreed to when I let him move back home. I know he is doing drugs and hanging with a bad crowd. He doesn’t help around the house, pick up after himself, etc If I make a big issue out of it, he will help very little or just take off and avoid me. He has also stolen from me agan since he moved back in. I loaned him $2500 in October 2009 to keep him from losing his license and his vehicle which he promised to repay but has not. It is to the point that I don’t even know who my son is anymore. His dad has offered to let our son come and live with him but my son refuses. He says that he will sleep in his car before he will live with his dad. We live in a rural community and there are no shelters etc. He does not make enough money t6o live on his own or even with a roommate. His dad lives about 45 minutes from us and my son does not want to be that far away from his friends. I am considering packing his things and taking them to his dad’s place while my son is at work and telling him that his stuff is at his dad’s so that he will have to go to his dad’s to pick up his belongings and at least talk with his dad. His Dad says that our son will not stay with him, that he will bum from friends house to friend’s house, etc. My son is on DMV ordered probation because he has gotten 4 speeding tickets and 1 Reckless driving ticket since October 2009. I have very few options: 1.. is to let him continue living with me and put up with his behavior or to try to force him to go live with his dad. I am afraid that he will get into serious trouble if I force him out of my home. I have lost over 80 pounds over the past year and feel like I am losing my mind. I have to keep my purse and meds locked in my car and sleep with my car keys under my pillow. I just don’t know what to do or where to turn. I feel like a failure as a mother. It is a bad situation since I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place. My son is an only child so there are no siblings to help out nor any other family than his dad to help. I would appreciate any advice that anyone would like to share with me. I hope someone will reply and give me their opinion or advice, please.

just walked in on my 18 year old daughter and her boyfriend! I asked him dto go home and my daughter had to go to class so I told her we would talk later. What do I say? Should she be in trouble? Need some advice…

my daughter is 21 finish college and has a boyfriend. i,m so thankful about this website, because i was enlightened about letting go of your children. when she comes home late, i feel bad, even if she tx or call me. feeling bad that she is with her boyfriend all the time. when i nagged her, she answers back badly. Now, i come to realized i should really let go of her, be at peace with myself and worryless even she is not at home until dawn. Must be prepared and accept the fact that, few
years from now,nobody will come home at the end of the day because she will be married, and will be left alone with my house and my husband.

The best about this thread is I no longer feel alone in all this. I am a mom of a 17, 16 and 15 year old. The two youngest (girls)luckily for me have no reached this stage and are very much into school and sports however my 17 year old son is. He has used the whole “i’ll move out when I am 18″ on me once in the past. It came up one evening after he had skipped classes. He said the funniest thing though. I asked. “Why are you skipping out on your classes’? His reply was “because i’ve grown up mom” I did manage to hold back my laugh and explain to him just what growing up and responsibility means. He will be 18 in a month and yes I feel as though he will follow through on moving out. He has a friend who got kicked out of his parents house and now has an apartment and now the cool thing for my son and all his friends to do is hang out there. He wants to move in with him.(because it’s fun to chill??))I realize there is nothing I can do to stop this but again experience a lot of worry. He will also have many changes to face which I have explained to him. Like 1st off he will have to get a job again (he quit his job about 6 months ago) Because i cannot and will not pay his bills. He believes this will be easy. He is going to be finishing his senior year in high school and it is terrifying to me that he will just drop out. I It’s all bittersweet isn’t it. I want my kids to grow up into amazing adults and i know all 3 will but at the same time my hearts being ripped apart. Thoughts to each of you and give yourselves a pat on the back “we are really all doing the best we can” Oh’ and my husband told me parents of teens usually age around 18- 20 years, that explains all the grey hairs I already have! I am only 37!

I have a 17yr old son, 14yr old girl from my first marriage. Remarried and have a 3yr old. The oldest went to live with his father at age 12 as he had lived with me since the divorce at age 5. We have gone through the alcohol,drugs,and the sexting issues. We also have gone through a near tragedy with him when he broke is t12 vertebrae. In some ways the accident was a blessing as he changed his life around. I’m currently now put on the back burner as friends and hanging out in the city with dad is far more entertaining than in the country and nothing to do. We have been going on 3 months without a full visitation as he’s. Either been working orhanging with his friends or with his father and stepmom. I very rarely get a txt reply as now apparently I’ve done something or said something to make him upset with me. I’m constantly walking on egg shells sugar coating whatever and this time I didn’t as I felt he was old enough to handle the truth on some issues. Now I feel we may not everhave our 1am conversations on the phone when he’s upset about a girl or whatnot. I am not a perfect parent but feel as if I’m constantly up against a wall with the father and stepmom as their lifestyle is different and there isn’t anyone else that relys on them as I have the two other children to still care for and they do not. They are able to go spur of the moment stuff or spend the extra money to go do whatever. I’m limited to special times with him as it is already and fear now that those weekends are now gone. Now its adjusting to no visitation and few phone or txts conversations. I feel somewhat angry and cheated in the last months or year of my sons young adultlife as he shares conversations about his day or even sits down at the table for dinner. I just hope he gets his hugs as I know those are not given and tears are signs of weakness. I have let go of him once before now its like a different stage of letting go and this is the hardest.

no matter what you strive for with your children they will still grow up to be just like you. Do all you can to share your greatest faults/falls so they my learn and grow from you… show loving as a person

I can’t seem to find anyone who’s going through our situation. Our 18-yr old son moved out the day after his birthday to live with his girlfriend in her family’s apartment. She grew up in a very permissive environment and now she’s a very selfish, spoiled, self-centered girl. 6 months ago she gave birth to our grandson. They used to come over (we only live a mile away) and stay a couple of days each week. Since he turned 18, however, they went to her house and the only time they’ve stayed here is about a month ago when her father hit my son. They stayed for 3 days then her dad apologized and they went back. For some reason her family doesn’t like us, I think because simply my husband and I are “normal”. We don’t drink on Friday nights, don’t participate in domestic violence, and didn’t allow our son to have sex in his bedroom. All of the above are things they do regularly. My son lives in this environment where people don’t like him all because he worships this girl. She will give in and come over here with the baby maybe once a month. We love our grandson and it’s heartbreakiing to be treated this way for no reason. Everyone tells us “they’re just children” which we know is true but it doesn’t make it easier. We’ve tried to reason with them and feel like we walk on eggshells around them. If we make her mad the first thing she does is keep us from seeing the baby. It’s all so wrong and our greatest fear is our grandson will grow up without knowing us. We’ve literally begged our son to be a man and take up for us but we think he’s just afraid she’ll do the same to him and take the baby away. Every day is a struggle. If there’s anyone out there with advice, we would greatly appreciate your thoughts.

Wow! All your experience are heartbreaking. We should not allow misbehavior to continue. The botum line is respect…once are kids cross that line at 18 and challenge us it’s the 3 strike rule and there OUT!! We as moms go through so much unnessisery pain…here is mine > My son is 20 and going to collage and is with a 17 year old girl for 1 year. He jus got a car from his girlfriends mom cus her mom jus past away and she was in need of money. So my son jus getting money from a car accident was seeking to get a car but everything got wird fast. My son was sucked in to a stick shift that he can’t drive cuz he has no listens are Incurence and only has a part time job..the girlfriend mom scammed $1700.00 off my son and I’m so up-set…This is putting a wedge between us. Nothing I say he take heed to…it’s like any words I speak hold no value and the mom and girlfriend get more respect. So this Letting Go Thing is the pits I have such pain in my heart and deep sorrow. We are not even talking cuz it ends up worse cuz I’m not giving in to this situation. Are family is really going through a lot and my husband wants him OUT yet he has nowhere to go and it would mess up his schooling that he will be graduating in July. I feel hert and used cuz he is leving here but acts distant from all of us..to top it off he has MD and he is experiencing heart problems..I so hate going through this stuff….Family’s Should NOT be experiencing all this heartache….it’s way to STRESSFUL!!! I know all of u are saying, let him do his thing and go stay with the girl and her mom, well the mom is marred and the girl lives with her dad that is 45 miles away and the girl is getting tost out when she turns 18 now my son wants to take care of the girl and thy are moving in together, all this is unfolding just in the past 3mo.i see my son heading for a disaster yet I feel hopeless to do anything..THIS SO SUCKS……

I need help wit a relationship wise with my fiance of a year &2 month relationship, he’s in a wheelchair and he is 20 years old. I am really scared he’s all I got and I love him to death. I dont wanna let him go or.lose him, b
His mom does NOT like ive tried everythin to have a close bond with her I say hi and everythin, when I see her I even go to my fiances little brothers games to support him. We get along n Tlk here n there bt wen she finds out hes at my house she totally has a cow n she wont let him move out with me. Im graduating high school in two weeks im nt movin out just yet tho im still waiting im nt tryin to turn him against his own mom im a nice girl n everyone says im worthy for him n he just needs to man up n tell his mom he had enough of her controlling him. Idk wat else to do & wat so ever I just found out his dad dnt want him movin out either n he lives with his mom she took his phone for a week n I havent heard frm him since a couple days ago. How does he tell them its time for him to go cuz he doesnt want to live under her n shes holdin his ssi frm him. Ik im nt makin sense bt I dnt wana leave him.