A mom seeking advice: I am interested in input on the subject of instant messaging. I have an older daughter who is grown and out of the house, and this IM privilege had lots of problems attached. I vowed not to make the same mistake with the next one and now I have an 11 yr old who wants to know when she is allowed to IM and I really don't think she will ever be allowed. Her older sister not only spent endless hours on the IM with hundreds of kids at the same time (most of the time she didn't know who she was talking to), but she was afraid not to respond to someone because she would be mistreated the next day at school. It's a whole culture that grows and develops, and most of it results in problems for the kid. Right now, she just wants to be able to IM her friends. I just gave her an account (reluctantly -- didn't have a good experience with the older child on that either) and now she keeps pushing me to go to the next level. I really don't think she will ever be given the privilege of IMing her friends, and I know that she is going to suffer a bit at school for this, and this does concern me. What do other people do on the subject of IMs? I am the only parent in her
peer group that has a time limit on her email (1 hour - not after 9pm) and she is a little picked on for that too.
Help me out here ... looking for input!
Thoughts from our moderator Mrs. J: It seems kids can text faster than they can write these days. My mom placed limits and rules on everything, it was how I grew up. I am sure I bent the rules, but I also had respect for them. As a parent myself when my child does something wrong I know I need to discipline her but I hate too because of the crying and yelling. I hate dealing with the bad part of parenting, which is really not the bad part. With good discipline comes a behaved child?
From our parenting community: What are your rules with IMing? Do you check up on who your teen is talking to? Would you allow an 11-year-old to IM? Share your thoughts, opinions and advice in our comments area.
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I have strict rules about the internet/IM. I set time limits and I check in now and again to see who they are typing with. I’ve also set up my own Face page just to see how it works so I know what they are doing. I check in now and again and some of my children’s friends have invited me to be ‘friends.’ I don’t intrude but do let them know I am aware. I often talk with them about safety. I think all this internet contact is causing a social change. The kids can text and send photos but when they actually come in contact face to face with a person they’ve been IMing, they don’t know what to say or feel awkward. I think that is very sad.
I also have an 11 year old and she is only allowed on the computer an hour per day and not after 9pm also. I express to my daughter that every parent is diffent in how the raise their children, some children get to stay the night with people that their parents do not know I don’t allow it and she understands. We talk daily about the differences in the things her friends are allowed to do and she
isn’t and when I show her the reasons behind my madness she understands. I am thankful for open communication, when I was a child I was told to do things just because my mother said so and that was good enough for me, but times have changed and so have our children we as parents just have to MOVE WITH THE CHEESE.
OH, I feel for ya. Who told you the other parents do’nt have restrictions? Was it your daughter? I know you do not want the confrontation but you gotta do what you gotta do. Once the ground work is set, you will feel much better about the sitch. Also, should’nt 11 year olds be playing outside?
I SUGGEST YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE OF AOL PARENTAL CONTROL(NOT SURE IF OTHER PROVIDERS HAVE SOMETHING LIKE THIS) I CAN SET UP WHO IM’S HER, EMAILS HER, IF SHE CAN ACCEPT PICS/ATTACHMENTS AND OTHER EMAIL OPTIONS, I SET HER TIMES UP-I GIVE HER FROM 6:30 TILL 8:45 TO TALK WITH FRIENDS AND I SET IT 8AM-10P ON WEEKENDS(WHICH MOST OF THE TIME SHE IS WITH ME OUTSIDE THE HOUSE, BUT LOOKS LIKE IM GIVING A LITTLE CONTROL TO HER *WINK*)WHEN HER TIME IS OUT SHE GETS A WARNING BEFORE SIGNING HER OFF…THIS IS THE BEST WAY TO CHECK UP ON HER, BUT REMEMBER YOU HAVE TO HAVE TRUST AS WELL. WITH PARENTAL CONTROL THEY SEND AN EMAIL TO KEEP YOU UP TO DATE EVERYDAY-GIVE THEM THE FREEDOM TO TALK WITH OTHERS BUT REMIND THEM TO KEEP IT SAFE(SCARE THEM A LITTLE BY WATCHING AN AFTERNOON AFTERSCHOOL SHOW ABOUT STALKERS ON THE INTERNET) DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO TO PROTECT HER, BUT ALSO INFORM HER OF RIGHT AND WRONG,SAFE AND UNSAFE. GOOD LUCK!!
My daughter is 11 years old. I struggled with this IM question myself. But she’s very mature for her age, and I trust her. I do check up on who she talks to and what they talk about. She knows the safety rules. I think it gives her a sense of freedom, and she enjoys chatting with other kids her age. However, it is a priviledge, and if her behavior, grades, or chores are less than acceptable, she loses this priviledge. It works really well for us.
I have a 10 year old and she is pretty computer savvy but I check everything she is into and all the sites she goes to. As far as IM ing she ims her cousin who lives out of state along with her gramma and uncle…thats it!
We have 2 kids – ages 9 and 12 and we understand your concerns. My wife and I have careers and we worry about the time we’re not at home and the access our kids have to the internet outside our home which enables them to communicate with others, unlike when we were growing up, they are interacting with people they don’t know. Kids are under more pressure then we were and they have access, directly or through others, to more people and information. We agree with setting limits and checking in on your kids. We installed monitoring software on each of their computers and they understand it’s for their safety. We scan for anything that is out of the ordinary, we don’t read everything as we want them to have some privacy. Education and Communication are your best bets because if you restrict them too much they will find another way to IM or use the internet. We also spent time educating ourselves; including learning the language they use to communicate now. It’s important they know and understand that you appreciate the good and the ugly of IM and the internet. Friends of ours, two lawyers who were having trouble with their 8 year old on the internet introduced us to a website that offers comprehensive information to educate parents, including the language the kids use , safe places for them to spend time, and other parent tools and resources. The website address is http://www.guardchild.com – give it a try.
PS you are wise to raise the issues. you’re not alone on the topic of concern.
my 11 yr old son is only allowed to IM those he knows. Including his soon to be step father whom is deployed right now. ( yes that is how he got the privilege) Our Computer is in my living room and he is never allowed on it when I’m not home. ( I check his history daily)
I honestly don’t regret giving him the privilege. His typing skills have improved and so has his spelling. However there are rules
1. No one you don’t already know
2.Never give our address out
3.Never give our phone # out
4. If any one asks I’m always in the room or POTS (parent over the shoulder)
5 No IMing while I’m in the shower
6 No computer while I’m asleep
this keeps him safe and in line, and we talk openly about child predators and Internet dangers frequently (at least bi weekly I bring it up in conversation)
We can’t put the genie back in the bottle. IMing and all the internet technology is the way of today (and the future). It is futile to fear it. It sounds like this mother is doing the right thing by allowing her daughter to participate in the commonly used technology that will help her have have social credibility with her peer circle (always important to kids’ self esteem whether parents want to admit it or not). She is also doing a good thing by imposing rules and limits for its use. Well done, mom!
I really like everything that Vanessa Van Petten has to say in her e-book Dirt e-Secrets Of An Internet Kid (it is a cheap investment and a quick read). It is at http://www.OnTeensToday.com She sums up the entire internet experience from a teen perspective with a lot of useful advice for parents about how to deal with such things as rules and limitations. Highly recommend!