One mom on our forum asks for advice: I just got my teens' report cards today and am ready to die. I can’t believe how poorly they did. They are such smart, bright kids and they totally fell apart this year. They have always gotten good grades, mostly A's & B's with an occasional C but my 13 year old came home with 3 D's and my 15 year old came home with 2 F's. Pardon my French but WTF happened here. This year has been nothing but a social party for them and I can’t seem to make them realize that it’s not, its school you are there to learn not gab and goof off. We have a school website that you can go to check their progress and it has been totally messed up, teachers aren’t entering grades, posting the wrong assignments its has been a nightmare. I usually check it daily to keep on them, but it has been impossible. I have talked to the teachers about fixing it and they said they are working on it. But not 1 teacher has called me to report how poorly my kids were doing or that they were missing work or failing tests. They go to a small private Catholic school and I would have thought with the smaller class numbers (20 kids at the most per class) they would get a little more attention and better reporting on such important issues. We pay a lot of money for their tuition to go there. My question is how do I make them take school more seriously and be more responsible. School is only getting harder and now they have to work for it and they can’t seem to figure that out. Do I let them fail and hope they get better grades next quarter? I have already taken their cell phones, computers, video games and TV's. They only get their phones if they are at school and need to use it in an emergency, 1 hour of TV/computer time Mon-Thurs and on the weekend they can have their TV and computer back, but they lose it all again on Monday. Any ideas? I had no idea raising teen boys would be this hard.
Denise's thoughts: We had some problems when my daughter was in 6th grade. My health being the number one problem, therefore she didn't get the attention she should have. Hence by 7th grade, her attitude towards school was not good and her grades started to show it. Here is what I did:
- I talked to her, letting her know that I feel grades are her most important job and that she has the responsibility to do well on them.
- To help her understand how important they are, I was willing to take her cell phone everyday she earned a grade lower then a 90. (You could add and television lower then a 80, computer lower then a 70.) This included all homework, quizzes, tests, projects etc. No ifs, ands or buts. Anything lower then a 90 on any given day and she was without the cell phone for one day. If she 'needed it' I told her to borrow or I gave her a quarter and told her to call the old fashion way – pay phone. This worked very well for her.
What this does is give them the ability to have the thing that they want, all they need to do is earn it. Then it becomes a habit.
Now for this to work, you need to get that school in line. Set up a meeting with the principal, you've already tried the teachers, give specific examples of when you tried to get grades and they weren't there. Explain your new process to him/her and beg for his/her help with the problem of not ever knowing how your sons are doing until they have already failed. That should get you some results. Email teachers expecting grades, daily if you need to.
Asking our parenting teens community: What has worked for your teens? Do you find many schools have the ability to give out grades but don't follow through? Is there anything you can share to help this mom? Share your thoughts, opinions and advice in our comments area.
I too put my two teens in a small catholic school, hoping they would get more attention. They were both A-B students. All of a sudden they both also started getting worse grades without warning. We emailed the teachers to no avail (their email was down and a myriad of problems). My husband and I set up a meeting with the principal and discussed our expectations of the school and teachers. This helped somewhat and when things relapsed we had another meeting. I also requested for the kids to sit up front in class, which helped my son as I found he was having problems hearing the assignments due to the socializing in class. Another issue: although it was a catholic school, I found the attitudes of the other kids was very clique-ish, and it can be a difficult environment for new students. The following year, I saved my money and put them in public school, and they are very happy teens. The school sends us weekly progress reports from each teacher, and we are at all A’s with an occasional B again. Good luck and I hope this helps.
1. Our school also does online grades, but has the same problem keeping them real time. However, also posted on the website are weekly lesson plans. You can look at each teacher’s site and know what the homework is for the week.
2. Our school also provides each student with an agenda/planner. Many teachers give the students a few minutes each Monday to fill in the homework for the week. If they don’t, perhaps you could arrange that.
3. Does your school provide help sessions? Each teacher should have some time in their schedule dedicated to helping struggling students, usually before or after school. Parents are usually welcome at these sessions.
4. Another system we have at our school is a paper grade check. The guidance center provides a form that any student can pick up and take to their teachers. The student drops it off at the beginning of class and the teacher fills it out before the end of class. This gives the teacher the opportunity to comment on that day’s progress.
It usually doesn’t take too long for a kid to get the message that you will be doing whatever it takes to address their grades, and it would probably just be easier for them to take care of business during class.
Good luck. Hang in there. : )
Keep it simple. It can be done daily or weekly with a grade dropping lower than a B, then losing ALL electronic privilidges. What good does it do to take away the TV but not the computer, phone or hand games? There should be adequate space and time for homework. Monitor your children’s friends. Are they passing, etc. Sports is also a privilidge. I would be appauled if I were dealing with more than one irresponsible teacher in a private school. What tutoring program do they offer? The teacher should be responsible to rectify the situation as well if you weren’t notified. What about progress reports? Check the public school report cards in your public school system. It gives you a percentage of passing students, etc. Ask what kind of tutoring system and OTHER programs do they have? This can be requested from the school board. Our school sports has mandatory visits to tutoring. The after school tutoring program has transportation home. I would not send my children to most La. public schools where I am from but I do send my child to public school where we live now. You can also see if there is a Celebrate Recovery Teen program in your area. This program is designed for all of life’s situations. The community or schools usually have affordable counseling with research. Our public school has an arrangement with a counseling program to do service for the students free even. Also visit colleges and gather info on scholarships, etc so they face the reality of continued education. Maybe have them simulate a budget expense on life needs and wants to see what it takes to run a household. They might even compare salaries of different fields and see what courses are required to obtain such positions or how much serving french fries will get you. Depending on their age maybe get a job serving those fries or doing some labor will kick in some reality.
Whether teens are in a private or public school makes no difference. All teens have to cope with the same issues. This list is endless. Plus, there’s always more to the story: bad relationship with parents for whatever reason, broken family, financial issues, and just plain old DNA, just to name a few.
I have a teen (only child) whose just now getting over the hurt of divorce. The affects were devastating. To combat the falling grades, bad choices, and constant story-telling, we did TRY taking away the things that meant something to her (cell phone, computer, sleep-overs, etc) and IT DID NOT WORK! It pushed her further away, and made her more resentful. So, the discipline experiments continue. It is an ongoing process, because one glove does not fit all: the nuances of personalities are endless.
Many of my most memorable conversations with my daughter, was when I sincerely put myself in her shoes. I had to let down my guard, and let go of the idea that I can control her every move, her every thought, and her goals. I ask her for input for decisions I have to make personally and for my business AND follow her recommendation AND thank her for putting thought into the idea AND tell her the difference it made in my life. And…I never let a day go by without telling her that I love her, at least 10 times each day!
Her father and I have decided to take a less invasive approach regarding her grades: not relying so much on the Parent Portal, but meeting with all of her teachers when we feel it’s necessary….with her!
Her father and I know that she will find her way eventually. After all, when I think about it, I did not find my way until I was in my early 20’s. It’s going to take time for her to be a centered, well-rounded thinker. Why do I think she can do it at 14?
Patience, Patience, Patience
My daughter is AD/HD and I spend A LOT of time making sure she keeps her grades up. I joke around about having to ‘hold her hand’ through school. I have to keep on top of the grades or they can slip fast.
Luckily the school she attends posts her grades on-line and I check them everyday. The rule we have imposed with my daughter is that if her grades slip below a C+ at anytime she is grounded from the TV, Computer, Cell Phone, and Friends until the grade has been pulled up to at least a C+. This has been a great incentive for times my daughter has parties or events coming up that she doesn’t want to miss.
Her school has an after school homework club and during times she knows she is overloaded with homework she will stay after school to attend the homework club. You might want to check into any programs the school offers for homework help, including tutors.
The last school my daughter attended did not post grades on-line and I created my own “report” form, which my daughter had to have her teachers sign each Friday. This listed her current grade and any missing assignments from the week. I had constant contact with her teachers via phone or email.
Lastly, my daughter is great about forgetting text books needed to complete homework assignments at home. So at the beginning of the year I go and check out a copy of all her text books and keep a set at home. Some schools allow this and some don’t. If the teacher says ‘no’ then move up to the counselor, principal, and then the district.
If your child does have a learning disability like AD/HD you may also request that they set up an “IEP” or “504” plan, which caters a little to their disability.
My advice to you is “tough love”. Tell your child you will come and sit with them each day in class (in your pajamas) until the grades improve. My best friend did this to her son after all attempts failed. He was mortified enough to bring his grades up so his mommy didn’t have to come to class with him again.
Good luck!
Without reading all of the comments, I am sure I will have some overlap. I have had different problems with teen motivation (or preteen for that matter). First, the technology to be able to review grades, assignments and email to communicate with teachers is ONLY as good as the teacher who is making the effort to provide information. My daughter, a late diagnosis of AD/HD, lead to a lot of frustration as we sought to help her stay on track when many of her teachers failed to input grades or list homework assignments. One teacher ironically posted in the homework section “Homework assignments will be found on the classroom board.” So that was no help if the child was sick or disorganized. Parents have to realize that many teachers are just as overwhelmed, busy and disorganized as anyone else. So never depend on the online info. Part of relieving my own stress was to require that each child was to print off their grades every Friday, whether or not they have updates. This is to instill responsibility for their own success. if they failed to do it or put it off, video games(or whatever) would be prohibited from use. Use of the car may be restricted in older kids if grades are lower that what was agreed upon. (Like nothing lower than a C in math, if that is a particularly weak area.)
Cell phone texting was and is a terrible distarction for my daughter whose grades fell with the use of text and I had a rule that the phone came to me by bedtime (or earlier) so that she would nbot be up all night on it thereby hurting her need for sleep and ultimately her ability to do well in school. also blocking the phone during school helped some. As for my son the phone is not a problem, it is video games and rushing through his homework to get to use them.
And finally, I cannot stress enough the importance of meeting with teachers and knowing who your kids friends are and how they spend their free time. Parents have their work cut out for them.
Susan!!!
I like your idea of having your kids print off their grades each Friday. But how do you encourage your kids to come up with and implement a “fix-it” plan, if grades are lower than a C?
My daughter and I look online daily, which only causes frustration for her. She walks away thinking she’s a failure. Instead of daily reviews, I’ll have her print out her grades each Friday! Great idea.
My 8th grade son has a lot of trouble planning his homework time. I’m having him sit down for a few minutes after school and go over his his assignments. Then we plan how much time he thinks each assignment (and piano practice, chores) should take. It helps him to see that he can get everything done and still have time to relax. We keep in close touch with teachers; they can e-mail progress reports upon request, and it’s the school’s policy to send home progress reports mid-quarter for grades of C- or worse. Remember their brains are somewhat scrambled at this age – short-term goals with clear benefits to them are helpful and positive.
OMG! That could’ve been my post! My usually very mature 16 yo has fallen apart this year. He has skipped school 15 out of 45 days and had 3 F’s on his report card. His school never called once and forget about the online progress monitor-never right. I had to call the school 3 times before his counselor would even call me back.
I took away EVERYTHING except his bed and clothes, he has seen a psychologist, is going to tutoring, has to make up all missed assignments, cannot leave the yard, and has to take his thyroid medication in front of me as he hasn’t even been doing that. For him the psychologist thinks that it’s easier for him to no to attempt to do anything rather than face the possibility of failure; if he doesn’t go to school there is a “reason” for not doing well.
He will earn his computer, gaming, texting, etc back as he improves on everything!
Our daughter has always been easily distracted and finds it a challenge to successfully manage her time as most young people do. I’ve tried many things, but what seems to work best is to try not to micro manage it too much. It’s true, by doing so you can easily set them up for failure. I received some great advise a few years back…it was to take the top three things they’d want through middle and high school and tie it to the top three things you want from them. Our first exchange is I want her to develop the skills necessary to obtain good grades (A’s & B’s) and she wants her cell phone. I’ve done it daily and quarterly and find she ‘develops’ the skills necessary when I evaluate her success quarterly…for every quarter she achieves Honor Roll, she has her phone and it is up to her to discipline herself. I admit, it takes constant coaching and wears me out most of the time…but no one ever said it would be easy to develop great kids. I also find it best when I approach her with a spirit of understanding she is 13, not 41 like the person giving her counsel. I just want to say in closing, I admire all of you who are trying to raise great kids and staying on top of them. Take it from someone who has a wonderful life and family (and moved out at 15 for good) – “raise them the way they should go, and they shall not depart from it in the end”. Praises to all of you!
Wow. I’m having mixed feelings about a lot of the things being said here. First of all, I feel that the teens/preteens should have some say in what privilege they lose, such as: “What do you think would a fair privilege to CUT BACK on until you get your grades back on track? and then list YOUR ideas of what should be cut back. I say this because my own beautiful daughter has been experiencing some trouble with school this year due being ill most of the summer with undiagnosed ovarian cysts, and she’s only 12! She is still not feeling well, and they are pressuring her to test for the gifted program, as she got the highest PSSA (state tests) in her entire middle school. She frankly told me she was already too stressed out to deal with that right now, and I said OK, we’ll think about that next year. She was also ill the last week of the first marking period, and nearly flunked the last makeup math test. She was in tears telling me this, because she drives herself so hard to make straight As, being in the top section of seventh grade.
My daughter actually went to a small, very good Catholic School from K to grade 5, which is all that church could afford to fund. She and her best friend, who also went there, have been having a hard time adjusting to the “too easy” work and “bored teachers.” Most of the stuff in ALL of the classes, except for Math, is stuff she’s learned already, so she’s getting blase about it all. I’m waiting to see what the first report card says. I’m worried it will not be her most stellar to date.
You have already heard the ‘within’ the box answers (logical, tried, some good, some OK and others just echoing). Here is a way I am doing things and it is REALLY WORKING:
1. Go on all, basic or no privilege program for your kids, and attach money to each grade. A+ is big money, and it goes down to B- (in my case to negative numbers). Total that up for Progress Reports and Semester report.
2. Tie allowances to number 1 also. When money is tied to motivation and/or demotivation, a lot of things start to work. Of course, do NOT let them work and earn a paycheck on their own (if it is too late for you to do this, I’m not sure what you can do).
3. Start emailing teachers after getting a green light from Department heads that you need to get notified of the HW and Extra assignments.
4. Monitor their DAILY activity by sitting down with them on what happened in class, what is HW, show them the email from the teacher a couple times a week, and finally, read through ALL HW done everyday. This clearly will send a ‘you mean business signal’ to them.
5. Hire Online Tutors and get them into Tutoring 2 hours a day (I do it religiously). Be in constant touch with the tutors and email them Reports, Grades, and ask THEM to give HW on the top of school HW.
6. Have them start practicing for ACT-SAT through Kaplan and Princeton…..Start with the FREE tests at various locations (check web site).
7. Then drop on to the US Dept of Labor site and print out ALL of the JOBs available in the US with Median and Average Salaries. Print it out for each child and have them highlight what they want as a job……
8. Meet with the counseler and have them map out what job/career/college path they want to take. This activity with number 7 will make a WORLD of a difference.
9. Take them to some really BAD areas as if you are lost and show them what under-privileged kids do, go through and how hard it is for them. This will have them pick the right choices under bullet 8 and 9.
10. Have them meet with successful people in your group/friends/family, and have them ’sell your children’ on what it takes!
11. Visit University campuses every year, and pick new ones. Focus on the careers they wanted/wished.
12. Be very supportive and ensure that you marriage, finances and discipline is NEVER a sore point.
I am doing most (80%) of the 12 points, since my kids are in 9th and 10th now and I plan to do all of the 12 items. The hardest is Extra Tutoring since it takes a LOT of effort on my part and extra costs.
With the above, my kids have turned into Honor Students and are taking AP classes. Their social life is increasing slowly, but we are keeping a lid on that one with one activity per week.
Hope this helps.
Kenny
3.
My SENIOR brother (in high school) is doing the same thing. He is in a military boarding school and they have had him sign contracts. His phone can be taken away and not being an IT Officer (which he loves) will go away if he does not maintain a C. He works with a teacher and is doing better but can improve even more. I did tell him that if he doesn’t step up, over Christmas Break, he will be doing homework 8 hours a day,,, put more pressure on them, it’s their responsibility. When they start improving, praise the pants off them. Don’t work harder then they do, they know what to do. I remind my brother that he can and has done much better in the past, and if he wants to work harder than he has to, he will. If you let them fall, they will get back up. If it’s “painful” for them, the will turn things around.. we all want pleasure and want good things,,, they will get it. Remind them ONCE, then no more. Tell them what is expected, what will happen and follow through. The more you remind them, the less THEY will do on their own. Have them go to summer school too. Get a tutor if need to, but if they are not putting in the time and effort for the work, tell them it’s their job to work it out. Help them, but don’t do more for them.
well im not the parent here but i am the student and 14 year old daughter lol. Anyways my advice is not to take away but to respect them. I dont really know how to explain this but ill tell you how it works with me and my madre. I am a straight A student in 9th grade plus 10th grade bio and geometry at the end of this quarter my grades were as followed english 99, global 96, geometry 101, bio 103, art2d 99, spanish 107. You may think oh your a nerdy kid how could you realate or whatever but im not im actually one of the popular girls and a little boy crazy but im 14 who isnt, anyways lol the rule with my mom is that as long as my grades dont fall i can do basically whatever i want, she allows me to go to the big ragers(partys) which do include drinking and i have told her i do drink because i would rather be honest with her, i also get whatever items i want such as clothes! but the minute my grades start to slip even if its not drastically my freedom and respect from my madre which i dont want.
so the fact is i know the concequences of my grades slipping before it happens therfore i keep them up and all is happy happy joy joy!
hope this made some sence lol