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Daughter Spent Night with Boyfriend

By March 13, 2009

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One mom was seeking advice on our forum: "My 16 year old daughter spent the night at her 18 year old boyfriend's house unsupervised last week. His parent's were out of town and we didn't know about it. She told us she was spending the night at a girlfriend's house and we believed her..."

A later post: "After emotions settled, we decided to ground her for a few weeks from seeing her boyfriend depending on her attitude, behavior and grades. Right now, she cannot use the internet (except for school work), her cell phone has been taken away and she is not allowed to be with her boyfriend except for during school. On her report card, she got a "c-" in one of her classes so until her grades improve, she will continue to be grounded. It's now been two weeks. I expect in about three weeks the grades will improve and we will give her more privileges to be with her boyfriend. Of course we plan to have a talk with the two of them to go over the dating rules and we will be more watchful of where she is. I made an appointment for her to see the gynecologist for birth control options. She asked what she should say when asked why she wants to go on birth control and I told her to be honest. No reason to lie or be ashamed about it - I will be with her to help answer any questions she has and just for support."

Thoughts from our community: Has your teen snuck out on you? How did you handle it? Have your talked to your teen about sex and birth control? Have you been hit with a situation where you have to be more watchful of where your teen is? Share in the comments area.

More: Screening Quiz: Is Your Teen Ready to Talk About Sex? | Things That Make Talking About Sex to Teens Tough and What to Do About Them

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Comments
March 13, 2009 at 9:41 am
(1) H says:

2 words…Chasity Belt

March 13, 2009 at 10:24 am
(2) EJM says:

I have a daughter who just turned 17. Most of the time, she has a boyfriend and we try very hard to keep close tabs on her. She’s pretty honest, so we’ve been lucky I guess.

My biggest concern would be the lying and sneaking around. It sounds like you need to be in better contact with the boyfriend’s parents. The other parents can be your biggest ally in a boyfriend/girlfriend situation.

March 13, 2009 at 10:30 am
(3) Linda says:

Dear Parent:

I clearly recall my teenage years, and after reading what you’ve done to your daughter, the one with raging hormones and a body that is filled with fabulous features, I thought ‘I hate you’!

Grounding your daughter won’t stop her feelings, but will probably increase her desire to be alone with her man.

As a mother of 5, four being teens or past, I have found the most effective solution is a group discussion about ‘reality’ with the teen ‘couple’ and their parents. The talk should include the words penis, vagina, orgasm, desire, hormones, sex, foreplay, commitment, education, actions/consequences, pregnancy, birth, a totally dependent baby, jobs, quality of life, bills, balancing the checkbook, ect… the whole vivid picture…

Not every adult can bring themselves to be this open, but this is needed for the teens to get a jolt of reality.

Teens, like everyone else, will make their own choices, and they need to practice this now, while at home, and experience what it’s like to succeed and to fail. Instead of grounding, the semi-public discussions seem to ward off foolish behavior. Besides, when their sexual actions are exposed, it takes away a little of the thrill, and they are standing in front of their parents now having to ‘talk about it’.

Works wonders~!!!

March 13, 2009 at 10:37 am
(4) Rosemary says:

I believe you should talk to your teenagers about sexual behaviour, the effects of pre-marital, unprotected sex. Making an appointment to get birth control for your teenager is giving them permission to have sex. Why are you surprised? If you expect a certain behaviour from your children, that’s what they’ll do.

March 13, 2009 at 10:58 am
(5) Manuel de la Lastra says:

Why don`t you show your daughter and his boy friend a video by Pam Stenzel named “Sex has a price Tag” or maybe buy the book from Amazon. It is very well done and explains things very clear and in a very touching base.
I know many adolescents that in similar situations have experience pregnancies and situation es veeeeeery complicated to manage for themselves as well as their families on both sides. In short, they kill their adolescence and go to another field of parenthood for which they are not prepared.
Hope this helps

March 13, 2009 at 11:03 am
(6) fanny says:

You definitely need a conversation with your teen as the punishment will not stop her from being with her boyfriend. As a teen I know that lying to my parents to do what I wanted was a given. Not only that, the more restrictions my parents or my friends parents placed the more we broke the rules. I actually left for an entire weekend at age 17. I mean literally left and didn’t come home, my mom knew where I was but I still didn’t go home. So know that trying to keep her away from boyfriend and stop the sex, good luck with that.

However, punishment for lying OH totally. You can’t let your teen think you will accept the lying, absolutely.

I do agree with the person who posted “I hate you” its exactly what I would have told my mom, but I would have made it worse, but breaking all the rules. My girlfriend was never allowed to hang out after school, ever, she was only allowed to go to to the library, so she told her mom she was at the library, for a girl spending that much time studying then why did she drop out of HS at age 17. She was with her Boyfriend and her friends.

Yes you need to let your teen know you make the rules, but reality is that at 16 depending on the teen the more you tighten sometimes the more they do exactly the opposite of the behavior you hope for. Talk to her a lot over and over and over and over, even when she rolls her eyes and gets attitude, keep talking. I was a rotten teen, but I had the roots and in the end graduated colleg Magna Cum Laude, married a great guy (no earring or tattoos which made mom happy, LOL) and have a wonderful almost 15yo daughter (who unfortunately is very much like me, so I have done a lot to hopefully prevent her from getting into the trouble I did, although I never got arrested or anything like that).

March 13, 2009 at 12:15 pm
(7) Susie says:

I am having the same trouble with my 15 year old. Apparently she has been lying to me for the last year to be with her boyfriend. He is a boy of a different race but also has been in trouble with the law his whole life. He is a 17 year old freshman that is in detention now. Once I found out she spent the night with him, she has skipped school, tried to run away. She has become depressed, missed alot of school because of it. Since she met this boy, she has failed in school. She just spent two days in the mental hospital due to taking off after school, me not knowing where she was again-I whipped her, her dad yelled at her and she attempted to slit her wrist. I am at a loss. We have her in counseling now. But I had in two different counselors this past year and she has fooled them both.

Any suggestions would be helpful. Thanks

March 13, 2009 at 1:42 pm
(8) fanny says:

Susie – first {{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}} second, has she been tested for drugs? I know we don’t want to beleive that most of the times, but have her checked.

As for the counseling, it really only works if she will open up. But keep her there no matter what the counselor says. Also see about having family sessions, so you can tell the counselor what you see and your daughter can respond in a non judgemental environment. It also may let the counselor see what is really going on.

Good luck, there is no easy answer, stay strong, try to talk to her and check for drug use.

March 13, 2009 at 2:07 pm
(9) Terry Bracken says:

I can’t believe these parents never checked with the parents whose home daughter said she would be staying at! Not that they didn’t believe daughter, but just to say hello and thank you for having daughter stay over! An ounce of prevention….

March 13, 2009 at 2:08 pm
(10) jenny says:

i am a proud grandmother of 9 with not problems nor did i have problems with my 4 children growing up i dont understand parents who are mad at me for making a success of teaching my children and grandchildren and nieces and nephews against their parents best wishes this is what i have always done and will continue to do and all it takes is the question do i want my child to go through this in the wrong way and die because today that is the question when my kids were young the question was do i want my kids to be parents before their time or even get an std so this is how i solved my problem first with stds i went to the library and ordered pictures of genital organs with various forms of disease then i got books on sex love and marriage and red them also all about stds once i had all that knowledge i sat my kids down when they turned 14 and told them we were going to talk about sex as you know in those days nobody mentioned that word anywhere so my kids were not embarrassed and we talked long and hard about the joys of married life if you only have one partner to pros and cons of one partner and no diseases and the pros of only starting to have sex at 21 after you have a job and can look after a baby the boys were told that if they fathered a child we would make sure they took full responsibility for the child by giving up their dreams and taking any work they could get so that they could work and take care of the family they had created because that was their responsibility so our advice was first follow your dream then have the fun and that worked for our children as our oldest first went to university to be a geologist and the year she was graduating she and her boyfriend of 5years came to us and sat us down and told us they were ready to start a family and we gave them our blessing and all of us discussed contraception again and i went out and bought all they needed until they graduated and due to a slip up at her graduation party where she fell pregnant they got married two months after graduation that child is now 21 and his sister is now 18 both proudly celibate as are the rest of my grand children and their lessons were off the internet and these lessons were photos easily obtained of stds which as my one daughterinlaw said mom evan has sworn off sex for life until he finds theeee one as he does not want that to happen to him and as they all reach 13 years of age this is what they see and then i follow it up at an unmarried mothers home for them to see the sorrow and sadness of the young girls who have to give up their children or who have to bring them up without their parents or the boyfriend to support them financially or emotionally and then the cherry on top is a hospice for children and adults dying of aids nothing like seeing aids in action and for them to talk to children their ages and experiencing their sadness at loosing their parents or the fact that they got aids when their mothers infected them with hiv as babies by birth or having aids because they had multiple partners who would buy them things and all the other sad sad stories this is what all parents must must must do and then watch the response as your children realise the truth that one partner for life is the only choice after they have made a life for themselves and even the knowledge that they must first have their partners tested when they fall in love and plan to marry them before they get involved this is the only way no good being scared to talk to your children when you sit them down tell them you are having the talk because you do not want them to die from aids or have a child that they cant look after this is the best solution so far i have told six of my grandchildren and there are 3 more to go and i pray every day i live long enough to do the talk with my greatgrandchildren although my grandchildren alway say that they will do that if i am gone

March 13, 2009 at 4:09 pm
(11) donna says:

I agree with having serious restrictions, but I also believe you need to discuss all of the issues like STD’s, teenage pregnancy, and the consequences of their behavior. I also think you need to have a heart to heart about your expectations and explain why you feel that way. Your daughter needs to realize that she will need to tell the truth about her sex life with every future partner that comes along. My daughter will soon be 14, but one of her advantages is that she has a very challenging 5 year old sister. She is aware that she isn’t mature enough to raise a baby. She also knows that I believe that she needs to be in a loving long-term committed relationship before she opens the door to that kind of intimacy. If and when they break up it will hurt her self esteem more if they are sexually active. Best of Luck.

March 13, 2009 at 4:42 pm
(12) eric says:

i understand your concerns teens will have sex no matter what we say i was one too and i did things i now regret dont everstop loving her she is just misguided and needs a little life turnaround

March 14, 2009 at 4:03 am
(13) Jo says:

Personally, I don’t think we teenagers should date. It not only affects our school performances, but also our lives. Dating so early does contribute in virginity-ruining.

March 14, 2009 at 12:47 pm
(14) jenn says:

Teenagers are going to have sex, mine admitted it to me when she was only 14 and half! I took her had her tested and got her on the depo shot, didn’t think she was responsible enought to remember a pill every day, and i’m diabetic, so i have needles and do it myself, that way I know we wont have an accident and told her condoms all the time!!!! She is now 19 and has only had sex 3 times since then, were very close and talk alot, for lieing I agree on the grounding, but for doing what comes natural (I would of prefered her to be older at the time) I didn’t agree too. Good luck!!!!

March 14, 2009 at 8:23 pm
(15) momwith2divas says:

So far as birth control I would let her know that if she is too ashamed to ask for it without your assistance, that should tell her she is too immature for sex. That being said, she won’t stop just because you want her to stop. Let her know clearly what your family values are and her responsibilty for the consequences of her behavior (ie you will not feed it, clothe it, or baby sit it). Tell her like I told mine,”the man I sleep with pays my bills (your father my husband) since you think you are grown, I hope he has a paper route to pay yours!”

March 16, 2009 at 4:51 am
(16) Suzy says:

I also remember my teenage years quite well. I didn’t get grounded too much, like a lot of my other friends. My mom and dad would sit me
down and tell me how bad it was, whatever thing I did. They would ask
me not to do it again, and that was that. HOWEVER, I would never be allowed to sleep over a guy’s house at the tender age of 16. That is way too young! I was 19 and my ex-bf was 24 when I started sleeping over his house. I ended up getting pregnant, and I was so confused. But it didn’t matter after I had a miscarriage. There’s a big difference between the ages of 16 and 19, when you think about it. I think she needs to wait a few more years.. Of course though, she may be completely so much mature than I was at that age….

March 16, 2009 at 11:08 pm
(17) shann says:

I think we as parents need to make it tough for our kids to lye and disoobey the rules. Call and check, restrict beloved items, ground them and then talk. All kids want to know where the line is drawn.Remember that they will screw up it’s how they learn. A teens job is to make us feel miserable for expecting the best for them,but if you love them, you don’t stop. You work for it.

March 18, 2009 at 6:10 pm
(18) Patty says:

Yes, sex does have a price tag! These young girls and boys have NO idea.

March 30, 2009 at 1:33 pm
(19) Breanne Brooks says:

U R A GOOD MOM KEEP IT UP SHELL KNOW BETTER SOON I WOULD KILL MY CHILD YOUR WAY BETTER THAN ME

September 10, 2009 at 5:19 pm
(20) soon to be grandma says:

Birth-control or not.
My daughter is pregnant and 16 yrs old. We discussed, educated and she had condoms (that she bought and did not use). She got preg. in the bathroom at school during spring dance. We took and pick them up on dates and kept up with them. The only free unsupervised time they had was at school and as it turned out they had been having sex in the bathroom there more than once a week. I have no advise, but to say if there is a will there is a way. She is now on strict bed rest until the child is born mid-dec because of pre-mature labor. Don’t have maternity on your girls, better think about it. They go off your income b/c the child is a minor. They can not become emanicated b/c they can not prove they can take care of themselves without government assistance. You can not make them get an abortion, make them put the baby up for adoption and you could go to jail for kicking them out. Just in case someone thought of these three. To get medicaid they go off your total gross income, not net and after expences. Unless you are poor, poor, poor you are paying the bill. Mine is $300 a month for the next five years. Make your kid pay you back? How long do you want her living with you and what kind of a relationship do you want? What kind of care is your grandbaby going to have? I am paying for and supporting both of these children for at least two years b/c it is the right thing to do! Think it can’t happen to you, think again! Her boyfriend is a kid himself and can’t not support this child for at least another few years at best. He is not seeing her either, right now. I have had him removed from my house by police one afternoon, next time felony charges. If she has sex, her life and the life of the baby are in danger. I have no solutions for parents, b/c I thought I was covering all bases. Concider birth control, maternity insurance, keeping them busy and babysitters. I hate to say it, but they need to be watched as if they are young children.

October 4, 2009 at 5:08 am
(21) ukgirl says:

To be honest, apart from the fact that she lied to you, which is not surprising (given that she expected you to disapprove and was proved right), I can’t see what the problem is at all.

I was a late starter, losing my virginity at 18, but several of my friends were having sex at 13 or 14 with their boyfriends, and by 16-17 most were having sexual relationships. In the UK, the legal age of consent is 16, so past 16 parents tend to see it as their own business.

The girl who was having sex when she was 13 was in a steady relationship with the boyfriend until she was 22 years old. The 16 year olds I knew who were having sex were madly in love for the first time. It was a wonderful time for them. Most, by that age, had sympathetic parents who let them stay over with their boyfriends. I went to a good school with parents who brought their kids up to be responsible, none of them got pregnant, they all went on to college…

…honestly, I can’t see what all the fuss is about. Being ready for sex is an individual thing. At 16, most girls are sexually mature and WANT to be having sex. If she is into her boyfriend enough to be sneaking out to be with him, the best thing you can do is encourage her, welcome him, and let them spend time together.

Hell, at least then she has a chance of experiencing decent sex in a friendly environment rather than a snatched fumble up some back street on the way home from the movies when she is less likely to take precautions.

She obviously cares about him and at 16 probably sees herself as an adult. By treating her as a child and punishing her you will definitely drive her away. If you were my parent and treated me like that, I would just behave worse and conceal even more from you in the future. I would hate you and resent you!

If you treat her as an adult, allow her to stay over with him, or him to stay over with you, you will earn her respect and by treating her as an adult will encourage her to behave responsibly, rather than sneaking around like a naughty child. Adult treatment encourages adult behaviour.

At that age, if you are against her she will romanticise the situation, with her and him against you. Behaving as you are doing can only damage your relationship.

When I was 19, and at home, I started a relationship with the local bad boy. People told my parents I was ‘going off the rails’. I used to vanish for days. I wasn’t taking care of myself. I was experimenting with things I shouldn’t. But I was madly in love and my parents decided that at that age I had to make mistakes for myself, and if they came down hard on me it would only drive me away. They were right, one sign of them trying to control me and I would have walked out of the door, straight to bad boy boyfriend’s house, and not come back. As it was, they were able to keep their eyes on me and the relationship fizzled out after a few months. I have no doubt they did the right thing.

Similarly, some friends of my parents had two teenage daughters, and from around age 15 allowed them to have their boyfriends stay over. Their reasoning was that they knew they were having sex, and this was they could keep them safe and keep their eye on them. It worked, both daughters thought they had cool parents and were grateful – and behaved well. It saved all the stroppy, rebellious behaviour. You daughter isn’t going to stop having sex, so you could at least give her a chance to do it in a permitted setting in the home.

October 7, 2009 at 6:04 pm
(22) Bupper5265 says:

I’m 19 years old, and yes, I understand the worries for a mother when her daughter is alone with her boyfriend. However, your daughter is only going to live with you for a short time longer, and when she moves out, you will not be able to ground her for spending the night with her boyfriend. I say that to stress one fact: talking goes a long way. If you explain to your daughter why it is wrong to spend the night with her boyfriend, then those lessons she will carry with her when she is out of your reach. My mother took the same approach with me, and it was insanely frustrating. When I went to college and met my current boyfriend, no one could ground me anymore from seeing him, or for him staying the night at my apartment. However, my sister saw my relationship with him evolving, and she sat me down and talked to me. At first, it was the most uncomfortable thing ever. But after we finished talking, I decided to make a commitment to myself to set some restraints on our relationship. In conclusion, just talk to your daughter. It will take some work, and at first you will not think she will be listening, and she might not be. But the more you talk to her, the more she will begin to open up. I am so greatful for my sister, because now my boyfriend and I have a very healthy relationship, and we are both happy. I wish you and your daughter the best.

November 9, 2009 at 3:04 pm
(23) Chelsey says:

I am 19 years old and now dating a 24 year old and have been for 4 months. I stay the night with him almost every night and have never had any kind of sexual relations with him. Not that we don’t want to, because we really do. We’re just trying to be careful and mature about the situation.

But when I was 17 I said I was staying at a friends and stayed with a different boyfriend for the first time. I lost my virginity. I did this for close to 2 years and never got pregnant and my parents never found out. Parents are so naive. Sex shouldn’t be this big of an issue. 17 year olds shouldn’t be treated as if they don’t know anything or as if they’ve done something wrong by wanting to stay with their boyfriend or girlfriend.

If you’re worried about these things actually take the time to talk to your kid and listen to what they have to say. Let them tell you anything they want with no consequences. My mother and I have never had a good relationship. I wish I could have told her about my previous boyfriend and the things that happened, and that I did. And I wish I could tell her about my current boyfriend and our intentions. But she looks down upon staying the night with each other and she can’t get off her high horse and stop making judgments for 2 seconds just to listen to her daughter and realize that I am a person with feelings just like she is. I can not help that I don’t see things the same way that she does. And I wish that I could have a parent that would listen to me and my thoughts and try to be understanding without getting punished or making anyone upset.

Just some things for you to think about.

December 26, 2009 at 1:23 am
(24) Sylvia James says:

I understand that the parent didn’t know that this 16 yr old teen slept over her boyfriend’s house. I don’t think grounding her is the answer since she still see him at school. Unless you trust her not to see him until after she’s off punishment. You are her parent and not her friend, teens need and expects their parents to set the ground rules and they will live up to your expectations. Teens need to know what is expected of them and also there are consequences if rules are broken. They also need to know that they are loved and are trust. Tell them what is expected of them and give choices rather and ask their opinion rather than demanding from them. Let them know how much you love them and you want to trust them and they are expected to keep there promises. Be honest and trust them and they in turn do the same. I have four teens all two years apart and we have a good relationship. Know when to be a parent and know when to be a friend. This builds a strong relationship and good character in them. Personally I think that 16 is too young to sleep over with her boyfriend even if nothing happens. Hope this helps.

February 5, 2010 at 11:32 am
(25) Heatherrr says:

I’m 16 myself and my mum found out I had sex at 14, she didn’t take it well Whig I can understand but she soon realised that shouting and screaming at me about it didn’t solve things. As soon as she stopped locking me in my room etc I became able to talk to her, about sex, birth control, anything. Since this she’s also become very good friends with my boyfriend who is almost 20. This obviously helps her when it comes to things like staying at his house. The moral of this story is, the more you try to keep her away from him, the more likely she is to go to him, the more you ground her or whatever, the more likely to want o see what all the fuss is about. And yes taking her for birth control is a good idea, but it makes me wonder why she has never thought I it herself?! She’s 16 therefore legal and she has a boyfriend. Again I think a result of poor comunication between mother and daughter. Yes I can understand it’s embarrassing to talk about early on in teenage years but it reallly helps.. So will some of you (not all) stop being so bl**dy self righteous pretending that you were completely perfect when you were younger!

September 2, 2010 at 8:47 pm
(26) realistic says:

Two words…Crazy. Bitch.

May 21, 2012 at 3:02 pm
(27) Rik says:

I’m the father of an 18yo girl and a 16yo boy. I’m a liberal with boundaries. When my kids were younger, I told them not to have sex before they reached the age of consent – 16 here in the UK.

My daughter started sleeping quite openly with her then bf pretty much as soon as she was 16. This seemed ok to me. He was in her year at school.

She has been with bf no.2. for well over a year now. They’re both hard-working, straight-A students. And he is a polite, friendly young man, who often spends the weekend with us, and is most welcome.

I don’t know what she’s doing about contraception etc. I have asked her, but she didn’t really want to talk about it, and I didn’t press the issue, because I have always respected her capacity for just getting stuff right without much parental intervention.

November 27, 2012 at 4:40 pm
(28) mc says:

I have been having a terrible time with my daughter, my husband says it’s my delivery. help!

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