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16-Year Old Dating 21-Year-Old

By April 17, 2009

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A mom on our forum: Looking for help with my daughter. AJ is 16, turning 17 in June.

Last year we allowed her to date an older boy/man. This has come back to bite us so we are aware of our responsibility in this. We thought he'd get tired of her and that it would end. Not so, they have dated almost a year and 2 weeks ago he finally broke up with her due to pressure from his parents and friends for dating a "baby". They are back together; we are allowing it but with limited time, we're reasserting our parent responsibilities that we lacked the first time around.

AJ has been an A student, she's a JR in a very large HS with over 900 kids in her grade alone. lots of boys. However none she's interested in and she's cutting off her friends as they don't like that she is dating an older guy.

Our daughter is turning into a drama filled queen. All the typical stuff about how much she hates us, we must hate her to be doing this, etc. I guess what I am in need of is a pat on the back saying, ok you screwed up allowing it the first time around but you ARE doing the right thing now.

She's the last child home, my sons are in college and doing very well. They come home and say to her that she needs to take a chill pill and her response is "you don't understand". Tell me she'll come to her senses at some point???!!!

Denise's thoughts: This can be a sticky situation and I'm going to give an entirely different point of view. Let's talk about relationships: yours with her and hers with her boyfriend.

You allowed her to create a relationship with this boy and now you need to respect that relationship, or she is going to learn that you don't respect her feelings - they don't matter to you, she has to fight you to get what she wants and that love is hurtful. You've flipped on her and I don't think she is just saying she hates you or that she thinks you hate her, she is most likely feeling a little bit of it.

The number 1 priority you have to worry about is your relationship with her. While this situation makes things not as you want them right now, a poor relationship with her at 17 can be devastating. There are so many issues coming around the corner for her in the next year and she is going to need you if she is going to be able to get through them with a happy and healthy attitude. In order to make the right choices for herself - and she has a lot of potential - she is going to need a strong foundation with you. So, while I understand your fear for her in her relationship with this young man, I'm telling you not to get stuck there.

So, let's piece back together the rift:

Talk to her. Tell her that you love her and that you are sorry you both are having a hard time. Do not say the word 'but' at all. Say things like: "I'm excited for this coming year. I'm looking forward to seeing all you accomplish in your senior year and beyond. I don't want to fight throughout it."

Come up with a compromise that you both can live with. Explain to her that she needs to give a little because you are giving a little and you both respect each other enough to do so.

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Comments
April 17, 2009 at 9:29 am
(1) Pat says:

This is great advise, I am going through somewhat the same situation, ages a little different. And we do like the boy, even though he wouldn’t be our first pick for her. The problem is when we talk, and we talk a lot, she makes commitments and it seems to be fine, but she doesn’t follow through with her end of the deal. She always slips back into the same situation, not doing homework, failing all her senior classes. She’s accepted into college, wants to get out of high school, but continutes to put him firs above everything. I checked her grades and she has F in two major subjects, and hasn’t turned in 6-8 homework assignments. It’s just that she doesn’t do it, not that she can’t. She say’s she has too much going on, working and school, but all her free time is on my-space, texting and watching movies with the “boy”. She’ll lie saying she does her homework at school or it’s done, in order to spend time with him. And drama… yea, she complains about him all the time and he certainly does not put her first, but she dropps everything and anything for him. I understand putting our relationship first and I totally believe in that, but what do I do when she lies and doesn’t hold up her end of the bargain. I took her phone away last night, seems she has a lot more free time when she isn’t interrupted by that.
HELP. I’ll take any advise.

April 17, 2009 at 9:42 am
(2) cf says:

I come from the other side of this story. My husband and I began dating when I was 15 and he was 20. I had older siblings (I was the 7th of 8), and none of the boys my own age seemed mature enough. My husband just seemed to “fit” into my life very easily.
We married when I was 20 (younger than my own daughter is now!), and just celebrated our 30th anniversary. Of course, we may be the exception to the rule, but sometimes it doesn’t take age to know what is right for you.
Good luck, it’s hard raising our kids. We don’t always know if what we do is best, I face that challenge too!

January 23, 2011 at 6:23 pm
(3) chelsie says:

I am 16 now and i just want to know what your parents said about this… Or did they know?

April 17, 2009 at 9:52 am
(4) sally says:

I remember back to when i was a teenager and I know that the more my parents said I wasnt to be with my boyfriend the more I wanted to be-so now with my 15 year old I dont make a big deal out of it (i didhowever supervise the amount of time they were together)
even though I didnt like her boyfriend and slowly but surely he disappeared. I also said ” I dont have to like him i wont be stuck with him you will” and put the responsibility for that over to her. It has worked with my daughter. I know this will not suit each family and believe me my daughter has been no angel but it did make her think twice.

April 17, 2009 at 9:59 am
(5) Ellie says:

I can appreciate this on two levels : as a parent of a bunch of girls who sympathizes Oh-TOO-well.. and, ironic as it might be, as the younger girl herself (I hate to admit it, but I personally did the exact same thing in high school with a MUCH older man… which, as a parent, I cannot understand at ALL how my mom handled it as well as she did)

As the mom, I hear you loud and clear … both on the fact that the age difference is a problem and that it -should- eventually die out as a relationship .. and I agree with what you did – allowing the relationship – Ive found with my own girls that if I forbade a certain person, it made them irresistible and they snuck around to it (plus it drove a huge wedge between us ). I hear your frustration that the relationship hasnt petered out -yet- … but have heart I do believe it will

I suspect (this is from ‘the girl who did it’ side .. ) that your daughter will be the one to definitively end it. The boy will come and go, cause drama intentionally or unintentionally .. but the very qualities that your daughter has in her, that drew her to him in the first place (increased maturity, boredom with average high-schoolers because of less maturity and perceived less intelligence and fewere ‘real’ interests) will keep growing in her … I predict that VERY soon, certainly by the time she is in the honors program this summer, or college, she will outgrow him ..

unless the lad is of the same intelligence as her, and continues to advance, she is going to tire of him .. and, if you do as suggested, and place her in the prescence of more suitable peers, she will eventually latch onto them instead…

it is critical that you provide her with the love and support that you (gritting teeth) can, during this time .. because when she starts to realize she is outgrowing him, it is going to be a real downer for her – first love is real powerful, and it is devastating when you realize you’re still growing .. and OMG past the guy you believe you love

offer her that support, and , *more* opportunities with alternate, more suitable peer groups .. and let HER move away from him

it will be painful, and you need to be there for her to catch those tears and let her grow that way

I graduated high school before I was 17, and for the last two years of high school, and first year of college .. dated a thirty year old .. (no, Ive no idea how my mother didnt send me to antartica .. )my mom grumbled, but allowed it within limits .. I went on to college, and found myself with other bright 17 year olds, hung out with them .. and closed off the relationship back home ..

April 17, 2009 at 3:01 pm
(6) Venessa says:

When I was in HS I was 16 dating a 21 year old guy as well. I had the same feelings about my parents as she does with you. I felt like they need to just let me be me and stop trying to control my life. I felt like they didn’t understand anything, especially how much I loved him. When I started going to College and hung out with people who had the same interests as me, I found that I really didn’t want to be stuck with just one boy for the rest of my life! Things finally ended between me and my older boyfriend because we simply just grew apart. Don’t worry about her, just let her be for now and when she graduates and goes off to college, she just might change her mind once she meets other people.

April 17, 2009 at 4:08 pm
(7) Carol says:

You have my sympathy. In situations like this, it never becomes more acutely obvious that our kids are totally separate human being beyond our control. The funny thing is, that while our kids scream at us for “controlling their lives” these “older-younger” relationship tend to be very controlling themselves, especially for the younger party. If this is true for your daughter,e.g., if the boy/man is causing her to be isolated from the normal teen activities and relationships, you could point this out in a non-judgemental way.

April 17, 2009 at 4:35 pm
(8) Richard Dudum says:

I am the author of “What Your Mother Never Told You – A Survival Guide For Teenage Girls.”

I am in the process of completing a new Chapter titled “Older Boys…Men.” As you know, it is difficult, if not impossible to force your teenager to change her mind. A much better approach is to help her think for herself about this issue, what she is doing, and why. She also needs to focus on what HE is doing and why. The following is an except from the new Chapter.

“If you decide to go out with an older boy or man, please give yourself a lot of time before being intimate. Iím talking many, many, many months, if not more than a year. Give him lots of time to reveal how he thinks, who he really is, and WHY heís so interested in YOU. Give yourself time to see his true colors. Donít be so easily misled and manipulated. Never stop thinking for yourself. Never allow yourself to change your life, your friends, or your behavior just to make him happy. Never worry about whether or not your words or actions are to his liking. Never change who you are just to please him.

Hereís the formula:

The younger you are + the older he is = the more at risk you are to make a mistake you will later regret.

One more thing, YOU might be making a mistake, but heís NOT. He absolutely knows what heís doing from day one Ö heís older Ö he knows better Ö when heís done, itís not a big deal to him when the ďrelationshipĒ is over.

Iím not telling you to avoid older boys or men Ö Iím just asking you to WAKE UP and BE MORE AWARE.”

I hope it helps.

Richard

April 18, 2009 at 5:54 pm
(9) Christine says:

Wow, you guys have given this topic such good feedback, Thank-you all!
My daughter has just turned 15, and not yet involved with a boy–but I’m hanging on to this post and comments, you never know when I’ll need to have another look at them :)

June 19, 2009 at 10:42 am
(10) Disrespectful Stepchildren says:

It really depends on the maturity level of your daughter and that of the 21 year old boy. If he is a responsibly young adult and follows and respects your parenting rules for your daughter, bringing her home on time and all, I don’t see a problem with the age difference. If he is defiant and making poor choices I wouldn’t allow them to see each other anymore.

September 13, 2009 at 2:12 pm
(11) Caleen says:

Wow what great advice. I am at a loss my wonderful (just graduated with honours) and honest (at least until lately) 17 year, my only child with whom I have had a very close and open relationship recentlty started dating a 24 year old. It was the way I found out that appalled me. One day she came home and said what is the age limit of a boy I can date and I said it depends but I would say 19, little did I know she had her sights on this boy. Well, I found out a couple weeks ago that not only was she dating this boy/man she has lost her virginity to him and has been having sex. Well, after alot of tears and sleepless nights and her being grounded until I can deal with this and how I am going to deal with it and meet him. She says she loves him and finally I said I will meet him but if I have a bad feeling I will not approve but there is not much I could do about it, she said she would not see him if I did not approve. I met him and had a sit down with both of them, told him he should have known better and they both said that he did keep telling her she should have told me..he seems like a nice boy/man and truly cares about her. I too feel that I cannot forbid it as it will just cause problems in our relationship. My daughter said she was happy how I handles it. Anyway, my problem now is and would like any advice on, is how to handle curfew ect…I know what its like to be in love and wanting to stay up talking all night. Right now I say to be home at midnight and if he wants to come in for awhile he can, but I am not going to be one of those mothers who lets the boy stay over? But then am I just send them out to have sex in a car…or whatever? Any advice?

October 9, 2009 at 12:42 pm
(12) shruts says:

When I was 18 I dated a “man” who was 5 years older then me. The relationship lasted 5 years and I was engaged to him for the last year. My parents did not approve of him – at all! (In fact he wasn’t even allowed in my house!)

While I understand that my parents were scared for me – I do believe that their actions (and his manipulations) prevented me from ending the relationship sooner. I think I was very flattered (that an older “man” would be interested in me) and curious (I had never really had a serious relationship) – but given time, college, his lies and his lack of maturity, I did realize that he wasn’t for me.

I now have a 13 yo dd. I have told my husband that if she is ever in the same position -we don’t have to like a potential boyfriend – we will invite him in to our house, have him eat with our family and show him how important our daughter is to us. Hopefully as she sees him around us and her other friends – she will ‘come to her senses’.

October 10, 2009 at 2:43 pm
(13) karen says:

Along with many of you, we’re in the same boat. I wish I knew last year to put out to the community for some advice. Our daughter was 14 soon to be 15 at the time. The boy/man is 4 1/2 yrs. older to the day. He was home from college for a semester to be with mom and family as his parents were separating. His youngest sister was my daughter’s best friend at the time and we (very naively, not knowing he was there or that a relationship was starting to brew) allowed her to sleep over. Fortunately I was tipped off the situation, we confronted her, talked about the legal ramifications, the 3 way complexity of the friendships, not being with her
peers (also too young for her), on and on. Seeing that we were pushing her away, I spoke with the boys mother and we put time restrictions on how long they could be together for quite awhile. My friends all said that if he put up with our guidelines he must really like her. My husband had a real frank heart to heart with him and we keep tabs on how things are going, the ups and downs, I’ve had discussions with her, even brought her to two therapy sessions just to have the ability for her to hear from someone else and me too. He is a good kid, they are still together a year later and since if given a choice of what her teenage years are becoming compared to what mine were, her choice and our involvement are much healthier. I do though, look forward to her moving on so she can have a larger circle of friends outside of school.

November 21, 2009 at 11:17 am
(14) Felicia says:

Richard is so right. I dated a 21 year old when I was 16-17. Found out later on that he had a real girlfriend out of town. Was not having sex with this guy, but come on, he was getting sex elsewhere. I never understood why he bothered with me. Maybe he liked the ego-stroke, as I was crazy over him. In the end, he got what he wanted and it was all downhill from there. I thought he was legit because I had met his parents and other family members and he was so charming. He spent his 20′s and 30′s chasing anything in a skirt. I suppose he just liked women period. Alot. Anyway, I have seen exceptions to the rule, but not so much. You really have to ask yourself why any 21 year old guy would go after a 16 year old girl. I suppose they don’t expect much to be spent on a date and they don’t have the experience to ask the tough questions. In other words, they are easy to be with. But tender hearts lurk underneath it all for girls that young. I know I got mine broke and it was all so unneccesary. My parents thought nothing of my going with him, but God bless parents, they only see what a person shows them.

January 6, 2010 at 4:09 pm
(15) Mauree says:

I went through a simmilar experience with my little
sister. When she was sixteen she started dating a young man 7 years older than her. Dad liked him a lot until they started dating. Mom supported the relationship, mainly because she knew that if it was opposed they’d find a way to see each other anyway. Unfortunately, they ended up married and with a child on the way in a year. My sister was not allowed by her husband to go to college, even though he let her finish high school. She’s been
married for about 16years now and my sister is finally etting to go to school, thanks to her in-laws and she is not exactly happy in her marriage.
These are things that your daughter needs to consider, and soon as it looks like the relationship is gtting serious. A talk with the young man in question would probably be a good idea as well.

January 7, 2010 at 11:49 pm
(16) chelsye says:

my daughter is almost 16 and dating a 21 year old also he is a very nice young man no tattoos piercings or holes in his ears or face. My daughter is very well in school and at home i told her that if any negitive effects come from her and her boyfriend of 7 months they will have to brake up. I think as long as your daughter and her boyfriend follow all the rules you should allow it, ofcourse there will be rules and keep them under a close look

January 27, 2010 at 8:03 am
(17) lilli says:

im 16 myself and ive never been out with some one my own age they ve always been older. but my parents hate it so every time i said i was going out with some one theey would ban me from seeing them. in the end ive just stopped telling them wo im dating it saves all the hastle. i hate lying to them but its the only way i can date my current boyfriend eho is 21. if your daughter is happy you should respect that and if every thing goes wrong youve got to be there to help her pick up the peices. isnt a parent ment to be there for you no matter what? and if you support her through it she can never say you havent done all you can. i just wish some times that my parents woould talk to me shell appreciate you taking the time and showin her you love her unconditionaly

May 16, 2011 at 12:24 pm
(18) susan says:

i am 17 and dating a 18 year old, i just recently got the news my parents are going crazy and threatening the laws on my boyfriend, we think we did nothing wrong. but they believe we had sexual contact when i was 16 and him18. i wish they wouldnt be this way, its like they dont approve of anyone, my boy is the only guy ive been with that has actually put me first, help? he makes me really happy and helps me through school. what am i suppost to do?

February 25, 2010 at 2:37 pm
(19) Mel. says:

I relate in the situation with you and lilli. I’m 15 years old, turning 16 in April. And I’m seeing this guy that is 20, turning 21 in June. So there is a five years age difference here. He is someone I have been looking for, for a very long time. I have been single for quite a while now, yaaa know, seeing a couple guys here or there, but not really dating… But I have been making a few mistakes being single and partying so much. I am a sophomore, and me and my bestfriend (who is also a sophomore) only hangout with juniors, seniors, and college students. Yeah, we have a few people we hangout with in our grade, but we are much more mature than them. I just recently met this 20 year old, and the first time we met he was flirting with me, and gave me his number, but when I said I was 15, he kinda backed away, but then thought about it and came back and was all sweet to me. I can tell he’s a little scared to date me just because of what anyone else will think and his parents and friends. But he’s really sweet and I like him A LOT. We have soo much in common and I like that.

Parents, you must understand that a teenage girl needs someone in their life other than you and even though they might be much older, you have to stop and be there for them no matter what. My mom doesn’t talk to me about anything. I sometimes think I actually hate her. I have been seeing him for the past couple weeks and she doesn’t know anything about it other than one time, which i said we were with other people at the movies, which in reality, I was at his house. Just me and him.

But idk, everyone of my friends are telling me that this guy isn’t meant for me and he is too old, but in my mind, age is just a number and shouldn’t get in the way of love. When he took me out on my second “date” if you’d call it, we went back to his house and just had fun talking and bonding,. But when he first kissed me, it got a lil’ intense, and was leading into something more than just kissing… but I stopped myself and got off of him and said I don’t want it to go too far, and that I want to take it slow, and he was okay with it. We just layed there and took pictures and it was so fun, I felt us getting really close just from that, and I could tell he respected me.

That really showed that he isn’t just looking for sex, he really cares about me and he started going for me before he knew how old I was. He is a good guy. & He doesn’t drink. He doesn’t smoke. And hes in college. He had great grades throughout high school and tells me that if I ever start doing drugs or becoming something that he doesn’t see right now, he won’t date me. Which I like that about him because he likes good girls. Advise to any parent out there: TALK TO YOUR TEENAGERS. MAKE SURE YOU SHOW THEM THAT YOU LOVE THEM WITH ALL YOUR HEART AND WOULD DO ANYTHING TO HELP THEM OUT WITH EVERYTHING. My mom never talks to me about anything, and when I try to talk to her, she just yells at me. I makes me cry night after night thinking that she doesn’t even know how to show compassion or love and I have to lye to her ALL THE TIME. I never tell her where I REALLY am going or who I am really hanging out with… just because I know she won’t let me or she’ll be crazy about it all. So don’t let this happen to you, parents.

People say HIGH SCHOOL is about getting an education and getting into a good college to succeed in life. Well, to me, high school is about making memories and good times that will Last Forever.. even if the memories are with the people who already had their great high school experiences..;]<3

March 16, 2010 at 6:04 pm
(20) Brianna says:

Okay well i am 16 and i am dating a 21 year old now my parents agree with it but they give me a hard time about it and people at school little say wow why are you dating a OLDER boy. and like she said i tell them ” you just dont understand” i hate when people do that but if everybody agrees with it in my family then its okay..We met each other during summer and got real close to each other and by the end of the summer we finally got enough nerves to go to my parents and tell them now we feel about each other we talked for a long time BC i wasn’t going to go behind my parents back about all this so we had to tell them sooner or later. We talked all summer and they approve and we started dating in august before i went back to school. my parents also tell me that they think i am spending to much time with him and told me i had to focus on school first before him. So now i only see him on mondays wednesdays and sundays because they dont want me to put him before friends or school. I guess the point is that the closer we get the more we dont care about the age differences at first we did care but we could not control my care for each other. so i know what your girl was going though and yeah it makes a big differences and see why your like that because my parents are the say way. i just hope one day they dont make us break up because i would really be mad at my parents and me and my parents relationship would break.

June 4, 2010 at 2:32 am
(21) Gail says:

Well this is fascinating. Particularily since we have both the parents, an Author, and some sixteen year old girls commenting. I will say I don’t agree at all with the original commentator, Denise. Ok, perhaps a bit. I do believe the relationship is important between dd and Mother, however if by 16 or 17, the foundation hasn’t been laid soundly, it may be lost until she reaches her twenties and then time has a way of bringing them together, perhaps slowly, but it happens.

The bottom line I believe is that any daughter or son, needs to respect the family and those who belong to it. Why is everyone so afraid to lay the law down and tell them what they expect?

Yes, telling them you don’t want them to see the “person,” ususally doesn’t work, and will push the two together, on the other hand, if their are red flags up, such as control issues including separating them from their friends, not allowing them to “experience,” their own peer group, etc, it’s time to step in. It’s called the foundation of Domestic Abuse, and it draws a fine line, so be aware young women.

And hearing that the young women “want,” to be with the “man,” more than their friends, so it’s “ok,” to isolate themselves? What doesn’t anyone understand about this? This is her inability to realize the value of all interpersonal relationships, both peer, family and that of the older man together, otherwise she wouldn’t do it.

And to you sixteen year olds, and parents of them, “hello,” what you seem to have neglected is the reality that any Doctor, and/or Counselor will remind you that the teenage brain, (the actual brain) does not develop fully until after 19, and is incapable, physiologically, of making some of these basic determinations in regards to relationships. Remember your Psychology 101 people! And no offense to the sixteen year olds, but this is fact, not fiction.

It is the reason so many younger women, “attach,” themselves to the older men. Because they are looking for someone to “take care,” of them. It feels safe, secure, and a compliment that they are given attention by someone older. Does anyone see the direct relationship that this represents? It’s a Father figure. Another basic in Psych, for those who don’t know this. It happens whether they have a Father or are missing one in the family unit. Not to everyone, but to a good percentage.

I am one of those sixteen year olds, who is now in her fifties. I understand where they are coming from and went through it. Thank God so many of the advisors here got it right that the girls move on, and the Men move on to another younger woman, because likewise, they are getting older as well and the next group will most likely be twenty-somethings. He may even marry one of those.

When you are sixteen, you know everything. You don’t want to hear what anyone else has to say, you are right and no one understands you, or your love. You are going to die if you don’t see him, talk to him, touch him and if you could climb inside him, you would, just to be one….have I got that right? Sixteen year olds are passionate, but they are not grown ups, which is the difference. Time changes nothing along these lines, and it’s been this way since time began.

Hopefully the memories will be sweet, and the breakup eventual so you can each find your real true love, because he’s out there.

July 14, 2010 at 4:18 pm
(22) Sunshine SN says:

Hello,

I am a 16 year old girl (who turns 17 in Nov) and I am very much interested in dating a 21 year old guy. He has graduated college and is working on getting a career. I am a Junior and taking college courses myself. We are totally compatible and he is just awesome. He treats me better than any boy my age has, he is caring and interesting and has great conversations with me…where as boys my age are selfish, and boring. So far we have been on one date and it was amazing. I am hoping to venture into a relationship with him but I am slightly nervous. I am very mature for my age but Im scared about being able to handle this mature a relationship. What do you guys think?

August 14, 2010 at 9:53 pm
(23) Nina says:

Listen Gail there are plenty of young women out there my age who have the mental capacity to make seacoons for themselves. Yes your right, some teenage girls are indesicive especially at that age were out bodies and minds are constanlly changing. Yes there are some girls that don’t no what they want and their are guys that take advantage of their innocence and ignorance and them move on down to the next fool! But I am 16 almost 17 in love with this lovely young man! And hes 20 almost 21and My parents have grown to really like him and my family consider him soly to be a very important part of out family as well! And you know what sir? You are as entitled as I am to an opinion because yea some young man out their are sick and have nothing better to so then prey on us girls! But my parents are stricked and drive a hard bargain but in glad they set time restrictions and they take the time to get to know Jhim and talk to him. We’re going to be 2 years this sept and we’ve over come a lot of trails and tribulations and he’s proves to me that he loves me by staying by me no matter what! This is no game to me or HIM this is a gift of love God has provided for us and I thank him,for I never want our love or our friendship to ever fade.he is a great influence and helps me with my school work my parents always keep an eye put for us but that’s how it should be and I wouldn’t have it any other way because I have nothing to hide o respect and so does he and we shall ever with gods help will be !!!!!!!!!

August 16, 2010 at 1:41 am
(24) Michelle says:

I found all of this very fascinating and helpful. I am 16, 17 in September, and I am interested in a 21 year old. We want very much to get together to just talk and “hang out”. The only thing stopping us is my mother; I’m afraid of how she will react to the age difference. I need help approaching her. If he wasn’t that important to me I would just let it go and say “oh he’s just a guy”, but he’s much more than that. We get along very well and he seems to genuinely care about me. I was also afraid to show him the real me and all my quirkiness, but he has assured me that he likes me for who I am and would never judge. It’s very cliche to say that i’m so much more mature than people my age, but in all fairness it is very true. I cannot stand boys my age, they are selfish and rude. Every guy i’ve dated around my age has never treated me well. I am always left in the dust caring for someone that doesn’t even take the time to see me, let alone talk to me. I’ve been afraid of pursuing an older guy/man, but I’m not anymore. I’m ready for a serious relationship with someone that has made it very obvious that he cares for me. Any advice for how to discuss this with my mother?

October 17, 2010 at 8:53 pm
(25) Sydney says:

I am 14 (turning 15 in December). I used to date an 18-year-old. We met during marching band season and we fell in love….yeah, I know that’s hard to believe but it’s true. People say I’m naive and that all he needs to do is say sweet words to me….but believe it or not, I’m more mature than most girls my age. We kissed and cuddled. I was (and still am) a virgin and he wasn’t, but he never forced anything on me and he respected my limits. My parents flipped on me and was about to take me out of marching band to restrict me from seeing him. But I kept telling them that he isn’t like what they think he is and they just need to meet him and talk to him. So they did…and they found that he is what I said and they allowed us to be together with limitations ofcourse. Me and him broke up because I had to transfer schools and we wouldnt see eachother anymore…but we’re still really close and we talk very frequently. The only reason parents freak out over this kind of thing is because of the way it sounds. “16-Year Old Dating a 21-Year Old” believe me, I understnad, that does sound very bad…but you can’t see the forest for the trees. Communication is the key.

October 22, 2010 at 12:29 pm
(26) April says:

I have been dying to see some information on this topic. my daugher is now 17 seeing a 41 year old man. :( He is my ex. He first got his hands on her when she was in the last few months of being 15. I tried to have him charged but crown counsel could see that she was protecting him and said we didn’t have enough evidence. My daughter was an honor roll student but has since failed some of her classes and has lied to me about seeing him and I know he has bought her 2 cell phones and has been twisting her against me and her whole family ever since. She has tried to commit suicide one time when she was drunk and I went and brought her home, without saying a word, while she screamed and hollered at me the whole way. My wonderful, talented, respectful, fun daughter is not not speaking to me and has spent the weekend at his house and has gone to see him various times while we are out of the house. I caught them together once when she was supposed to be at school and calmly asked her to get in the car and she refused. I called the police and reamed him out the whole time we were waiting for them to arrive. I had to leave her there with him and she spent the weekend at his house. He lives with his mother. He is the biggest loser and has no friends and fits the pedophile profile to a T. She is his lapdog and I am powerless to do anything because the police tell me she is the age of sexual consent. 16 is the age of sexual consent in BC. She has been at home ever since and will not talk to me except for the absolute basics and still accepts everything I get for her but our communication is nil. I feel for every parent who has to endure this. My daughter has done a complete 180 and any kind words will be helpful. I have talked with social services and they can’t do anything either. She has attacked me twice; the first time when i discovered the sexual texts between them when she was 15 to get the phone out of my hands, and the second time when i was hollering at her pedophile “friend” to leave her alone. She has rage that I have never seen unless it has to do with him. Believe me, I am not the kind of person to give up on a sitch like this but I am growing despondent. I miss her. I think I am going to start emailing her. It feels like this nighmare will never end.

November 9, 2010 at 2:46 pm
(27) yoni says:

I am a 16 year old ho is dating a 21 year old girl my parent don’t know about this i am learning but she is doing a job as a teacher. and i am afarid to my parents wat do you think ppls

December 9, 2010 at 3:52 pm
(28) john says:

I have a stepdaughter who is 16 dating a 21 year old boy. It wasn’t are approval. We tolerated it. In june she got made because we told her to keep people out of the house why we were not there. She cursed and said I will have you stolen from. I figured she was mad,but two weeks later are house was ram sacked and destroyed, with 4000 dollars worth of theft. She never came around for about 1 month and she was dating this 21 year old. Well she needed a place to stay and I told her mother no. I can’t afford this type of activity, I then gave in. Long story short he left and we now pay the boyfriends mom child support. She said she was kicked out. He didn’t really leave we kicked him off are residence for not taking her to school. The probation officer told her to lie because they wanted the child support. You know extortion. The sad part is we had written a letter had pictures of her drinking alcohol with him and smoking a crack pipe. They didn’t even drug test her. This was all shown to the judge the first court appearance. IF she was my biological daughter I probably would of acted different, but I tried to keep the piece. I figured I am just another guy In her eyes. I was waiting for the probation officer to come around, she never did. I was smart enough to know if the courts would of got more involved and it looked like they were the ones that were pushing the issue and not us we wouldn’t look like the bad guys. great strategy, but if they don’t get involved a little tiny bit. The base line of the story here is I get stolen from and she gets to play married life at are expense. The reason the whole thing started was I lost 2000 dollars worth of stuff from another place because, she wouldn’t keep thugs out of are house, while we were at work.

January 12, 2011 at 12:18 am
(29) Kendra says:

I am a 15 year old girl, turning 16 in March, and he is a 20 year old, turning 21 in February. I really think we have to potential to be something, and he does as well. I’m a lot more mature than the boys my age, and I don’t even speak to boys in the tenth grade with me. I can’t stand a single one of them. I live with only my dad and I can never imagine telling him.. My dad is STRONGLY against me dating an 18 year old, can you imagine what he’d say about a 20 year old? I just feel like I don’t want to give it up with him. Obviously I’ll grow out of him, but I like him for now. And my dad is really important to me, I don’t want to lie or keep things from him, but there isn’t any way I can figure he will allow this. If I’m still with him by being 16, I can think about telling my dad. But I really don’t think I can do it. Does anyone else have this problem? Because I don’t know what to do. I REALLY like this guy. But I’m not stupid enough to isolate myself for him. He is not at all about sex with me. 1. It’s illegal.. 2. His step brother is my best friend, and he also likes me. But he’s not for me, and it’s no secret that i’m not into him. He’s 18, and my dad threatens to never let me see him if we get into anything. So you can see how this could go. I don’t want to never be able to see this guy again, but I want to tell my dad. I need help. /: I do see the point of view of the adults, but you have to let your teenagers live while they have the chance.. Unless the relationship is leading somewhere horrible, such as the case in a few of the posts up there, I see no reason as to why it shouldn’t be allowed. We both care about each other, and he’s a legit person, not a dead-beat. As for right now, I don’t think anything can stop me from liking him. Even my best friend could accept it. I’m really hoping whenever I tell my dad, that he’ll accept it. His family loves me to death, and his mother is a correction officer.. If she doesn’t see the issue why should anyone else?

February 2, 2011 at 5:17 pm
(30) Stephanie says:

Ummm I’m A 16 year’s Old Girl && I’m Datinqg A Guy He’s 21 Years Old He’s About To Be 22 On Junee 26′ On My Case I’Don’t Think Goinqg Out With An Older Guy Till 20-29 Is Nothing Wrong Unless What Kind Of Boyy You Goinqg To Be Dating… I Meet This Boy When I Was 14 Years’ Old But First My Mom Got To Know Hem For Likee A year And She Likedd it Like The Way He Is,He Is So recpectfull He Gots Manners’ When i Meet Him i Remember Tha We Were @ My Liltle’s Cousin’s Birthday And Me & Him We Were Just Flirtinqg Around Till One Day December.28.2009 He Camee To askedd My Mom’s Hand If I Could Go Out With Him My Mom Said To Both Of Uss If She Can Study And With The Relashionship Go ahead So Since Tha Day Our Lifee Have Chanqedd Alot Now We Havee 1 Year && 1Month’ With A Week It Don’t Really Matter The Ages’ Whaat It matter If Tha Guy Yu With Treats You Good’ and Always Be There For YOUUU Of’COURSE! Andd Girl Just Always Do The Right Think And Listend To You’r Parents That’s The Best Thing To Do If You Want Them To let You Be With Tha Guy’/ In mY Case Mee && My bOyfrinedd’ We About To Get Married i know Whatt Im Doinqg And Likee i Saidd Always Do Whaat’ever You’r ♥ Said’s And Fight For What’Ever You Want In You’r Life But Dont Be Stupid Like Some Teenaqer This Days Gettinqg Preqnnat Just For Funn. I Mean Think About What’ever You’r Goinqg To Do In You’r Life FIRST Thamn Have Yu Can Have Your Family && TRUST ME IF YOU DO THING’S GOOD AND DON’T MAKE A MISTAKE WITH YOU’R BOYFRINED B/FORE TIME EVERYTHING In You’r Life Is Goinqg To Be So Nicee’:) Well That’s My Opinion And Help You Open You’r Eyes. && Don’t Let No Onee Make You’r DESICION’S.
Att: Stephanie.

July 27, 2011 at 4:27 pm
(31) Amelia says:

I am 13 and going out with a 17 year old guy I have been with him for nearly 5 weeks now and I am in love with him but my. Mum hates him and forbids me from seeing him but I still am I just wish she would see that I am in love with him and nothing that she says or dose is going to change how I feel how should I tell her about me and him or should I not tell her at all???

September 4, 2011 at 3:59 pm
(32) laura says:

im a 25 yr old women dating a 16yr old girl bt im confused css i dont know if i could be in trouble for just dating without any sex and im from ohio !! her mom doesn’t agree with it and i respect that bt i just dont know what to do !! any advice?

November 1, 2011 at 1:26 pm
(33) Teri says:

My 16 yr. old son wants to date this girl thats 25yrs. old and already has 2 kids , which the daddys are nowhere around…we said no we didn’t agree and he took off, stayed w/ friends, thinking he would cool off and come home…but he didn’t and was gone for a month, we were devistated, still didn’t allow them to date, saw lawyers, coulnselors, and tried to figure this out….finally our son asked us to “compromise”…that he would come home if he could see her for a couple times a week, so we took advice of counsel and agreed, she was extremely “mad that he came home” and broke it off!!! Since then she has treated him like a yoyo, going back & forth dating, then breaking his heart only to reel him back in AGAIN…..back together once again, we just cant take it anymore…when they “are together” he is like a whole different person and closes us out totally….I know we cant have her arrested unless we prove there was sexual intercourse, but I really have to wonder if she deserves to be a mother of 2 ???? OH….and did I mention that she lives with her parents AND they are OK with this too…..WHAT IS WRONG W/ PEOPLE ????? HELP PLEASE ………

November 23, 2011 at 8:33 pm
(34) danielle says:

i am 16 and dating a 21 yr old. we actually stared dating about this time last year but we broke up because i saw interest in a guy my own age but turned out to be that he was no good himself so now me and my older bf are back together.. the only thing about is i cant see him with out sneaking out or meeting up some how.
SO HERE’S TO THE PARENTS: YOU JUST NEED TO RELAX AND DON’T GET ALL UPSET IF YOUR TEEN COMES UP TO YOU SAYING THER DATING AN OLDER PERSON. THAT TAKES ALOT OF COURAGE FOR THEM TO ACTUALLY EVEN DO THAT SO DON’T PUSH THEM AWAY BY YELLING AT THEM IT’S ONLY GOING TO MAKE TO SNEAK WITH THAT PERSON EVEN MORE. SO PLEASE JUST MEET THE PERSON AND IF U LIKE THEM GOOD LET UR TEEN DATE THEM BUT IF YOU DON’T SAY NO.

January 20, 2012 at 11:59 pm
(35) chris says:

I have a 15yr daughter who thinks she is in love w/ a 18yr old. We dont even aloow her to date until she is 16. But she says she is going out w/ frnds and sneaks to be w/ him. We have blocked his # from her phone and talked to his parents, but they are still trying to sneak behind our backs. How do you get her to understand that he is to old and to top it off, he isnt very ambitious and lives w/ his parents and dont work or go to school. HELP!!!

June 1, 2012 at 5:45 pm
(36) Irene says:

My 16 year old daughter is dating my co-worker’s 12 year old son. They
are both cool together. They do no sex or anything stupid. As long as they don’t do any of these things, they should be fine.

July 11, 2012 at 6:28 pm
(37) Brandon says:

I am 16 and just ended a relationship with a 22 year old. Yes I am gay and I don’t think it matters much but I realized by the way he acts that there is no reason that a 22 year old should be looking at a 16 year old and think anything more of them than a friend. A 6 year difference isn’t something normal when someone is 16 and the other is 22. I would offer that the parents know as much as possible about the other person and look out for signs that he may be using her for sex. Wish you luck and like I said be careful! If you ever need to talk or ask me something you can gladly email me at brandonpauley@comcast.net

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