Teen Has a Toxic Friend

This Mom’s story sounds so eerily similar to what has happened to my son! He was straight A’s and honor roll, then started hanging out with a boy in the neighborhood, and he now identifies himself with the “skater” crowd and has dropped to a “C” average. We were concerned and considered forbidding him to hang out with this boy. That made him completely rebel and sneak out to see his friend! We have since then, changed tactics. Now, we make a point of inviting this boy to join us for outings…we take him to the pool, the skate park, invite him to the house for our family bonfires etc. It has really worked! This boy now knows what our rules are and how we conduct ourselves, and he seems to respect us to a certain degree. Note that all of the activities we are encouraging are “supervised” activities. I am still watchfully waiting for things like drug use and other delinquent acts. But now at least my son doesn’t feel the need to sneak around behind our backs!

I would definately say that the other teen may be influencing or maybe even providing drug use/drugs.
Give your son a drug test and take a priviledges if the drug test comes out positive. Do not wait.

AR

Wow, I’m going through an identical situation right now. My 14 year old daughter really struggled last year in 8th grade. I enrolled her in a summer enrichment program at the High School that she would be attending. While there, a girl a little older than her latched on to her like a leach and my daughter became a totally different person from the responsible oldest sister that I had raised. She had never been in trouble and all of a sudden she’s getting picked up by police smoking with this girl and skipping classes. Apparently, and probably based on my opposition to this girl and my daughter continuing to hemorrage all of her privileges over the last six months or so…she just told me that she got in a big fight with the girl. In the summer program she had even signed up to share a locker with this girl which I had to call and get switched as soon as school started. My daughter is finally thinking of using her new locker, making good grades and enjoying a tiny bit of freedom. I took away her house key and she is no longer responsible after school for her little sisters. It has been a long and hard road the last month and a half. She is in a 10-week counseling group with a few peers and attends individual counseling as well. Drug testing is not out of the question and in fact she will have a mental illness evaluation as well. It has been a nightmare. I’m not confident that it is sinking in, but her severing her association with that girl has produced an immediate step back to the responsible child that I’ve known.

Hi,Dear mom of 14 year old, First I like to said that I hope my story help you and other my Son is 13 tears old and he just start 8 grade and we start to knowest a lot of changes on his personality we think that it was ok becouse he is start make decision but he also have some friends that have parents divorce my son start saung thinks so mean to me and that sorprisme becouse we always have a good comunication, one day I show up at School at lonch time I tell my son “oh the school call me they need some help on the cafeteria course I’m not working today so I came to help” I observe how my son was try to copy what other kids more inmature was doing.That day was friday and at the end of the lonch I ask the kid’s if the want to came to my house for a movie or something , my son gime a look like OH no! my mom. I call there Parents and the all agree. When they get to my home some came with the mom or dad just to check the place and know my family , The all start getting ready for the movie when this kid start taking about his family, at the end we don’t wach a movie the few parents that came to my house knowest they all talk the same and pronunce the same way, the almost dress the same style and colors. When the all live my house I call my son and said “Do you like to have a twin brother or sister” and he said “No” (now he is my only son)I said well you have 3 here do you see that all do and said the same thing, I show hem and explaing how important is what he thinks from he’s own and make decision. he can help he’s friends if he have his own ideas and opinions and how important is to by an Individual persona. He open his Eyes so big and said “yea I feel gilty when my friends have a bad day and I not so I don’t said anything” I think is very imortant as a parent no to juge are kid’s friends , more when are preeteens. Bring that kid to your house or invite hem a lonch with all you and housband get to know the kid, you well help you son better. Good look.

Please consider a p/t nanny if you’re away. Two benefits: the kids open up to “a third party” more easily for some reason. Plus, she will supervise homework. Worthwhile investment that saves kids. Save your own first!

I don’t have any answers. I just want to say that I am also distressed at some of the kids my daughter, age 14, has chosen to hang out with. We live in a “nice” neighborhood, but in the past year or so she has dropped all the friends who do well in school, and play sports, and participate in community activities. Instead she is “hanging out” with kids who have too much free time on their hands, and all they do is hang out and go on Facebook, and talk on the phone. Her grades in school are still good, but she is not interested anymore in the activities she used to participate in. I don’t believe she is using drugs at all, but I do think that her self confidence has gone way down for some reason. She just gets mad if I try to talk to her about things.

Try not to get to discouraged. The teen years are just as hard on the teen as they are on you. Between 12 and 16, these kids are trying to find themselves. They have a little more freedom of choice and are no longer relying on you to set them up with playdates and approved friends. Many of them look to the exact opposite of themselves just to see if that is who they could be. An total turn around in their attitudes and grades doesn’t always mean drugs, it is possible that those things just aren’t on the top of their priority list right now. Your best option right now is to invite the friend along on family activities, monitor the situation, talk to your son about your families values and expectations, and keep your child busy. A teen with too much free time needs to find something to fill it and if you don’t fill it for him, his friends will. If he is interested in skating, find him a skate park to go to. Have him learn to build and sell boards as a hobby. But most of all just have some patience and be there to talk with him when his “whatever” mood falters.

I understand exactly what you are going through. This is a very hard situation and it really is devastating to see your child make these wrong choices. I have been there and am still coming out of this type of situation. My son started having problems with friends when he was 14. He is a very good athlete and when he started backing out of all activities to hang out with these certain biker/skater friends his grades went down, he was very disrespectful to me, got into fights at school, and became opposite in almost every way. As a single mother, I did not know what to do or where to get the help I needed. I didn’t do anything at first which was a HUGE mistake! He and these friends got into smoking pot and my son was expelled from school when he was 16. I didn’t know the signs of drug use until it was too late. My son is back in school with good grades and is active in sports again. He is 17 and has a very rigid schedule that leaves him little down time. He is required to have a weekend job, play sports, keep his GPA above a 3.8, eat dinner with the family (no exceptions), spend the week nights doing homework or housework (no friends). At first this schedule was like a prison for us both BUT it is better now and I have gained his respect as a parent and he is earning my trust back. He is still friends with these boys but they no longer have the pull they used to. Maybe because he is older? It seems to me that at age 13-16 teens are trying to find their identity and crave acceptance. This is the time they need the most guidance-although they will tell you otherwise. Each child is different,YOU know your child best and know what motivates him. Act now and do NOT allow him to have low grades or hang out with that boy without your supervision. Concentrate on family time and talk about future goals with your son. Be firm.

Dear Mom of teen,
Both of my teens went through the same thing around the same age. It is normal, and it is the most difficult time raising kids, in my opinion. The good news is, if you get through this difficult time you will get your good young man back. My advice is what other parents have said. Invite this kid to your house. Parent him along with your child. Let him know what your rules are, etc. This worked with my son and 4 years later with my daughter. I was more sucessful with my daughter because I knew what I was doing! Hang in there, don’t be afraid to be tough. But you must be fair and remember to compliment and be a loving parent too. This time in your families life is like getting through a storm at sea. Put forth all the effort in right now, and you will have smooth sailing later on!

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for all of your comments. I wanted to share some of my weekend and how things are going. We have been talking more and more lately. Not because I am asking a lot of questions but because he has been opening back up. We have always been very close and until now we never had communication problems.

This weekend I gave him a little more freedom. I took him to two parties at friends houses. He came back excited and talking about everything. His friend was at one of the parties but not the other and he was not interested in hanging out with him because he wanted to go to the parties. After the parties he asked for my help with his home work, which hasn’t happened in a while now. During this time he was asking me a lot of questions about everything. Mostly he would say “Mom my friend said this…is that true?” So I think we may be back on a road. He also said that I need to trust him more because he knows right from wrong. That was a new statement. I told him that it is not always his judgement I am worried about, most often its the judgement of his friends that concerns me. He acknowledged that and said that he will work on helping his friends understand that as well.

He even told me that he likes hanging out with the friends from the old school better right now because they are more fun. His new school is completely focused on education. I am hoping that as the school year progresses and the sports seasons begin he will want to be with the more mature kids.

I’ll keep you posted and I will keep praying…it works.

BTW. I did tell him to invite the kid over but my son wasn’t interested at the time. I find that very interesting.

It was great to read all the comments and ideas. I have three kids, age 16, 12 and 8, and the issue of toxic friends has also occurred with us. In fact, my own 12-year-old might be considered a kid who other mothers might not want their kids around simply because he skateboards, has long hair and isn’t getting straight As. Not every child is meant to be the star football player or academic whiz kid, so I’d just caution some of the posters here to judge a child by how he treats others, abd how he acts vs. whether or not he skateboards, plays sports or gets straight As. All three of my kids are into creative pursuits -things like videography, music and art, and have pretty good heads on their shoulders (though they’re certainly not angels). My oldest son had a wonderful open conversation with me the other night about peer pressure and drug use at his school. It seems many of the “sports kids” are smoking pot and getting into quite a bit of trouble (I know of at least three who were sent to boarding schools because of issues). My 12-year-old is an avid skateboarder who absolutely loves the sport and takes the time to teach it to younger children. It saddens me to hear comments like “he’s hanging out with the skaters” or “all this kid wants to do is skateboard”. Granted, many skaters do look a bit rough around the edges, but for the most part they are great kids who have chosen skateboarding as their sport. Let’s not judge them negatively as a group.

It’s the opposite for me. My 14 yr old son has a best friend since grade 4. Now they’re skateboarders and they’re ALWAYS hanging at my house. That friend has a rotten side to him…he’s does bratty and delinquent things. Many times he’s broken something or used/misused something. Even my son gets mad at stuff that gets wrecked or having to explain to me what his friend did. The last straw was when that friend took the kitchen fire extinguisher and sprayed it in the house, probably at another boy who was over. Thank goodness noone was burned (but there’s chemical on my chairs now) and I banned him from the house. I never want to see that kid again. I want to ban my son from being his friend but I know that won’t work. I’ve always told him that this boy is not the kind of person who makes a good friend cuz he uses him, takes his stuff, wrecks his stuff, owes him money and will get my son into trouble too. What can I do? Leave him to learn life lessons on his own? I can’t choose what friends he hangs around with can I?…the boy’s not a drug dealer (yet). Now my son is turning into the lippy teenage with attitude, swearing and says I’m unfair and I don’t know anything. When will this pain end?? (And on another note, that boy’s an only child and his mom said they would punish him but wouldn’t say how. I suggested a punishment but she laughed and said no. I’m sure his wrist stings from the little slap they gave him. No wonder he’s a spoiled brat with no regard for others.)

Although I don’t like the fact that he got this idea from his friend,I have to say I agree 100 % with the statement “school sucks”. This may just seem like an angry phrase,it is actually an incredibly clever statement.From the moment a child walks into school his creativity,imagination, and individualism,are “sucked” right out of him.School only aims to teach children to obey.