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Boy Crazy Teen Girls

By February 12, 2010

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A dad on our forum seeks advice: I am a divorced Dad of a beautiful 12 yr old. I live in Tampa and she and her Mom live in Tallahassee (4 hours away). My daughter has always been into the whole "boyfriend" thing since she was in school. Although I have not encouraged it, I have also not tried to deny her the right to have interest in boys. I have not wanted her to react out of resentment but to just be responsible. My worst fears are now coming true. She is almost 13 and her main focus now seems to be on a boy she met after starting Junior High. I am concerned due to her recent actions about her frame of mind with this boy. She seems to be a bit obsessed over this boy and it doesn't appear to be a healthy frame of mind for her. Any suggestions?

My daughter is smart (A's and B's), a little on the artsy/punk side....so she doesn't mind flaunting her individuality and generally a great kid. When she is with me for extended amounts of time, I have not had any trouble with her attitude...or at least nothing that can't be overcome. Her mother, however, is now claiming she is at the end of her rope with her. She has grounded her to the point that it is not effective and my daughter is showing signs of a rebellious nature as she is starting to talk back to her Mom, miss the point a lot :o), and is becoming sneaky and manipulative with her time.

I would appreciate any advice because grounding is redundant and I am concerned that she will try to do something just to spite any punishment we give her.

Denise's thoughts: I want to add some things you can do to make this a more positive time for your relationship with her. Talk to her about the sex, what dating really is and the fact that you will always be there for her, like if some young man decides to break her heart or if she has some questions that she wants to have answered by a male.

Asking our community of parents: Is/Was your teen daughter boy crazy? How did you handle the situations that arise? Please share your experiences, advice and thoughts in our comments area.

Comments
February 12, 2010 at 9:51 am
(1) mother says:

Many girls at this age seem to think boys are cute and in my childs school, they all seem to be boy crazy. This is too young. Teach about std’s, sex and drugs and have the date and sex talk and how boys are after one thing and will break her heart. Tell her that she is too young. It is ok to think a boy is cute, but dating is too young. Besides, where is a 12 or 13 year old boy taking her? The meaning of date has a different meaning these days, not like 30 years ago. Get some books, talk to other parents and watch her friends. I speak with my child on a regular basis. Maybe your daughter is rebelling and hurting because of the split up?

February 12, 2010 at 1:32 pm
(2) a says:

I was ‘boy crazy’ and I ended up having a child at the age of 16. Please forbid your daughter from dating until she is a little older and talk to her about your desires for her to go to college and be successful and happy. Tell her that is why the rules exist. Tell her there is plenty of time when she is older to date boys and there is no rush. Tell her to have fun with her girlfriends and have fun doing activities she enjoys. Get her involved in other activities and discourage her from dropping activities. I dropped everything I was ever interested in when I met the boy who would eventually become the father of my child. My parents were afraid I would have rebelled if they tried to stop it but I’m not so sure I would have.

February 12, 2010 at 4:50 pm
(3) connie says:

I would say there is no way to control it. I raised my three grandaughters in church, and tried to do everything to the best of my ability. The 18 year old started sneaking around, and I found birth control in her possessions when she was 17. She moved in with the boy at 18. The 16 year old, was sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night, she just had a baby, and is living with his family. (All Illegals I might add). The 15 year old was writing letters to a guy and discussing sexting. I started counseling with all of them, but nothing worked. The 15 year old agreed to go get the birth control injection, so I can have a little peace of mind. I would say raising a child without a father, at all, is just impossible. I would be so angry all the time that I missed a lot of communication that is necessary along with male attention.

February 12, 2010 at 10:58 pm
(4) Ruth says:

FORGET ABOUT IT! TOO LATE! I wish I could tell you something positive, but I would be untruthful. If you are a praying dad, start NOW and don’t stop. If not a praying dad , refer back to the top of my response. If she is doing this at age 12 already…….. PRAY!

February 14, 2010 at 6:50 am
(5) Jmom says:

I had to laugh and cry at all your responses. I caught my 15 year old sneaking out. After discovering certain things, I had her physically examined and tested for everything. I wanted her to know this was serious stuff. The dr. was incredible. She showed images and stories how bad things can get. She talked about the costs mentally physically and financially and the burden she can put on her family. She put my daughter in tears and how things can effect her life FOREVER. THANK GOD. I strongly believed that did it. Other than that, I agree with everyone else.

February 14, 2010 at 5:20 pm
(6) krisb says:

I agree with the other comments… my daughter was star struck with a boy at the age of 14 and got into the same things as you mentioned.. I think if I had to do it over I would have stuck to my guns about dating as 16yrs and have my husband pay more attention at that time. When we found out she had a boyfriend, my husband was kind of taken back and withdrew from paying any attention to my daughter… i think that pushed her to the boy even more. she is 18 now and still seeing the same person..now I cant say anything cause she says she can do whatever she wants… she is an adult. I would say just show your daughter a lot of love and dont give up on her.

February 14, 2010 at 9:34 pm
(7) 2GrrlsMom says:

It’s not an easy task raising teen girls in a society that encourages them to be a ‘ho’ versus women who value and love themselves — but it is possible. You have to start when they’re little and then really step your game up when they are ‘tweenies.’

That’s the time my daughters and I started talking to about boys and sex.

First, I didn’t listen to the “experts” I used a combination of old school and new school. (Old school — no dating until 17 or 18; New school — we talked about EVERYTHING, you have to cast your inhibitions aside).

I stressed (over and over) the importance of loving themselves first — because when you look for love outside of yourself you are guaranteed to be exploited, used, abused, discarded and left devastated.

Also, I was honest with them, we talked about love, intimacy, sex, STD’s, pregnancy. Yes, sex feels good… really, really, really good… however, I let them know if they felt they were adult enough to make a decision to have sex, they would have to be adult enough to deal with the consequences (ie, pregnancy and no longer being able to hang with their friends, the mall, etc. or having an STD for the rest of their lives, or how easy it is to contract AID/HIV). They viewed pictures in sex ed of genitals with herpes, genital warts, etc….

I kept up on all the trends, (ie, wearing different color bracelets signifying which sex act a girl will do with guys, several girls wearing different colors of lipstick and going down on a guy leaving a “rainbow” of colors… yeah, I know).

I found that being upfront, letting them know that love, romance, and sex is challenging as hell for most adults and how if they waited they’d be better equiped emotionally to deal with better as young women.

My methods were called ‘liberal’ by some — crazy and unrealistic by others — and yet at 17 and 19 year my two are still virgins.

Both now express thankful they are I didn’t let them date at a young age since the majority of their friends whose parents did either have kids (raising them alone), have a rep as a ‘skank’ or ‘slut’, or because they still want to be loved so badly they turned to girls after being used up by guys.

…and yes, my girls talk/talked about guys (ALL THE TIME), have posters of their favorite celebrities, etc — it’s a fine line, I didn’t forbid them (that’s just asking for them to rebel), but they also knew what was acceptable and what was not.

I have to be honest though, a huge blessing was when they both fell head over heels for the Jonas Brothers at 15 and 17 (different ones thank God…LOL). Now if a guy doesn’t speak to treat them respectfully they aren’t interested…period.

They also read books like: Act Like a Lady, Think Like A Man by Steve Harvey (he’s a comedian, but it’s a serious the book and very timely for this generation).

I know it’s not easy for them, esp when they are teased about being virgins by their peers — but they stand tall and remain true to who they are and what they know to be true.

Btw, I did this as a divorced parent too…don’t believe the BS about single parents…we can be just as effective as a 2 parent home…be vigilant, educate yourself and stay positive.

February 14, 2010 at 11:31 pm
(8) EJ says:

Remind her to enjoy life today so you can face life tomorrow. Be protective and set the boys straight. Boys have not changed much over the years in their interests. Think about what you did as a teenager and what punishments you faced and use those. Girls just want their father to help get through to boys and tell them what you expect. There is no way to stop this, sometimes i think it’s hard wired into our brains. Trust her and know that no matter what she says when you disapprove of a boy just know that she will thank you later. Fathers are always the best at leading the girl to the right boy.

February 14, 2010 at 11:34 pm
(9) Rlmcullen says:

We let our mature, confident almost 13 year old go see a movie late this afternoon with a boy who likes her, and one other girlfriend and a boy (not a couple) from their class. Tonight my daughter told me she was so happy because they “made out” at the movie.
When I tried to talk to her about her behavior, reputation, what our expectations are for her, she launched into a tirade about how I ruined the night for her and she’ll never tell me anything again. I really don’t know what to do because she’s going to want to spend time with this boy again, but I don’t want to let her go to a dark movie theater because I don’t trust her. She wants to spend hours texting/online with him and one or two friends, stopped her only activity of ballet, and barely speaks to us. I feel like she’s drifted far away from us already, and we aren’t even to the really tough stuff yet. What should we do? Chaperone to any movie outings?

February 15, 2010 at 6:50 am
(10) GT Girl says:

Wow, that is some pretty negative feedback you got, however, I would like to share my story with you. I have two daughters, 12 (13 in 2 weeks) and 15 year old, and I also remember all too well exactly what being 12 and “boy crazy” is all about.

Interstingly, I thought I missed something and had to re-read your story because you never used the word “dated”, you said “her new main focus” and what concerns me, is the word “obsessed” with him. I am wondering what you define as “obsessed”. Could it just be “girls being girls” at 12?

We didn’t have cell phones to text with or computers to email etc. when I was 12! But you can be DAM SURE I would have been, if I had the means, because Yes, boys are the only thing on your brain from the minute you wake up until the minute you go to bed.

The question is, does she have time with this boy together without supervision, to cause you to be concerned about pregnancy? Does mom work til 5 or 6 and she suppose to come home and do homework til mom gets home? That seems to be the #1 cause of teen pregnancy, (in my opinion)

But more importantly, what I think is most important, is to keep the lines of communication open as much as you can, especially because you are dad. I was raised by my single dad, and he always told me from a very young age (and I have taught my own kids) that sex was not a bad thing, but it should be with the right person at the right time, and if I had any questions, to come to him first, so he knew I was getting accurate information. (Pretty smart dad, in my opinion!)

My ex and divorced around 8 years ago. We have both had our “rough spells” with each of them, but then I just focused on talking with them both individually and in the car together, any time I can that is appropriate (like after you take them to a movie that you had no idea was going to be so dirty and graphic, oops!)

On the other hand, it raised some questions and got all of us talking about “what was what”. I also reaffirm their beauty and value as individuals often. They love it when I write them letters and point out their strengths, share my pride and encourage them and tell them how special they are, because I dont think any child can really get “enough” positive feedback in our “negatively charged” world of today.

I recall the “hormone craziness” too. I was super emotional and “fell in love” with every boy I met practically
and was suffering from depression too.

I remember having suicidal thoughts in high school from low self esteem (even tho I was tall blonde, pretty, athletic body) and didn’t think I was “worth” living. I don’t ever want my girls to feel that way. I always tell them how lucky I am to be there mom.

I really “choose my battles” now and just try to laugh and smile and share jokes together every chance we get. Because you just never know when the last time you are going see her is. I have Crohn’s Disease and was hospitalized the majority of 2008 and nearly lost my life. It really put things in perspective tho and reminded me to just “love them for who they are right now”.

I wish you the best. Keep it from the heart and talk to her sincerely, (not accusingly or she will shut down). Also, the best way to get her to “open up” to you, is do an activity with her, that SHE loves, (no matter what it is as long as she is willing to do it with you) and as soon as you are silently, side by side, doing it, she will open right up, you just have to ask the right questions and don’t “react” on her.

Sorry for the extensive comment, you just really “hit home” with me and wanted to give you as much insight and positive input as I could provide. (Because its never “too late” like one reader said)

Good luck!

February 15, 2010 at 11:43 am
(11) Kim says:

My daughter is 14 and she’s what I will call extremely boy crazy. Her first boyfriend was a boy that was 3 years older than her…she was 13 and he is 16. He is not the kind of boy that her dad or I wanted her to be “dating” and I use that term lightly because they were not “allowed” to be alone together. They could be at our house or his house as long as the parents were home. We thought that if we forbid the relationship that she would sneak around. I then called his mother and we talked often about where they were and if she or I was home, etc. They still managed to be alone at his house once. …and you can guess what happened. Then they broke up and we worked hard on her seeing what kind of boy he is…he needs to work on his own issues (which were numerous) and she needs to be working on herself…that it’s ok to be alone.

Then they got back together we took a different approach. We forbid them to see each other. When she ran away to go to his house to see him I took her to the police department and the deputy sheriff told her that as parents we have all the rights and basically she has none but to obey us until she is 18. That made a HUGE difference! She still didn’t break up with him because she felt like she could help him…so, we kept up with not allowing them to see each other outside of school. We called the administration of the school and told them that although we could not forbid them from seeing each other we forbid them to touch each other at all and asked the administration to let us know if they observed that kind of behavior. We did get support from them. I then called the boys mother and told her that we were against the relationship and it was nothing personal we just thought they needed to work on themselves. She agreed. I told his mother that my daughter was not allowed at his house and he was not allowed to be at our home. We also forbid them to talk or text after 5:30pm at night. Eventually the boy broke up with her. She was hurt at first but a couple days later she even asked her dad to block his number from her phone!

She likes a different boy now. A NICE boy. we still have rules to protect her reputation. We talk about sex all the time and how it’s God’s design to wait for marriage. We still have her in counseling so she can work on her ability to be without a boyfriend and have confidence in herself. We did not allow her to drop out of her activities…she didn’t like it but you are the parent and you are in control.

I can’t tell you that there won’t be dark days but I can tell you to hang in there and trust your gut. Don’t let them set the rules even if they threaten to run away. Chances are they won’t. But if they do, call the police and ask for their help…it worked for us. Stand your ground. Love them but be tough…it will be hard but it might save their future….or their life.

February 15, 2010 at 12:23 pm
(12) Lexxhasthelove says:

I’m almost sixteen. I’d have to say I was never “boy crazed” at twelve. I’ve been seeing the same person for two years now and we have had sex. I live with my dad and step mom. My dad and mom had me when they were teenagers and then broke up. My dad met my step mom and had my little sister on accident too. My parents never talked to me about sex. They just assumed that I knew not to. I wish they had talked to me about it. Told me that there are terrible STDs and how much pregnancy can effect you. I had to figure that all out by myself. I didn’t think pregnancy was that big of a deal but then I started watching “Teen Mom” and it changed everything. Those girls NEVER hang out with their friends and are always having problems. They should be in college, which is another thing you should talk to your daughter about. Ask her what she wants to be when she grows up and tell her that she can’t pay for college and a baby and that she won’t get to date other boys when she’s got a baby. No teenage boy is worth giving up the rest of her life. Tell her you’re there if she wants to talk. You could even tell her about your experiences. That’s what my real mom did when I told her. Now we share everything. I know it might be awkward for you because she’s your little girl and stuff but it’s going to be awkward in the beginning. My dad has known since I think October that I was having sex. He was kind of weirded out but then he told me about how old he was when he started having sex, other experiences and stuff. It made me feel alot better. It’s still weird when we go to the doctor and the doctor asks me all the sex questions right in front of my dad. But if you have a good relationship with your daughter, it shouldn’t be hard. I have a twelve year old sister, too. She likes boys alot. She thinks she’s in love and has all these things saying “heartbroken” and “I’ll love you forever”, she’ll get over it. Hopefully your daughter will get over this phase. Just tell her how you feel and try to get her to open up to you. Also, if you’re religious, tell her why it’s wrong in God’s eyes. That God made it to have one sexual partner. It makes it more special. I hope I helped. You can email me if you’d like to talk.

February 15, 2010 at 1:11 pm
(13) Still Hurting says:

I agree with all of you. it is very difficult to raise children in this country. I am from the West indies and grew up with a lot of boundaries even when my sisters and I came to the states.
Today I have two daughters one of which was boy crazy. She started sneaking out although she had a two parent household. My husband caught her one night at the back porch after her nightly escapades. She could have been shot for he thought it was a burglar (dangerous). The person she was with could also have harmed her because we had no idea she was doing this. Thankfully she graduated high school. After high school she went even more out of control. She went away to college after a year of attending a local university where we live. She never kept in touch with us. This was one of the most painful experiences in my life (ditto for my husband).

Now the other daughter is doing the same thing, staying away from us after meeting a guy at her university out of town. This is the daughter we thought had a good head on her shoulders. She graduated valedictorian of her class. For the first two years of college, she would come home, work, take classes, etc. Now she wants nothing to do with the family. She said “I hate coming home” because her father asked her about her changing her major for the third time and the amount of loans she already has outstanding. She claims that it was her life why is he concern.

I learned from the first daughter to let them fall if that is what they want.

Your daughter is very young and I think you have to get the school counselor involved with the situation. Sometimes they an reach your child better than you as a parent can.

There is still time to save her. You have to make sure you are involved in everything including getting to know the young man. Sometimes if the the boy sees that the parents are aware, they at times will change their game plan.

Good Luck!!!

December 14, 2011 at 5:20 am
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