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Son Dating Girl with Child

By March 26, 2010

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A forum member seeks advice: "I have a 21 year old son that is dating a 21 year old girl, she has a 5 year old daughter she has raised herself. She was once in a abusive relationship her parents are separate and the girlfriend is living on her own with the daughter. Me and my husband told my son we do not approve of the relationship because there is a lot of baggage and he is not only in a relationship with her but her daughter He is just finishing college we are concerned he does not finish college and moves in with her any advise I think we should back off because he knows how we feel about the relationship, but right know we do not want to include her in any family things."

Smudgeid's thoughts: "I think you should treat her the same way you would treat any 21 year old supporting herself that your son might be dating. With respect and courtesy.

Be impressed - she's been raising a child for 5 years and isn't relying on her parents to do it. She's escaped one abusive relationship - had the strength to leave even though it may have meant raising her child on her own.

I would say that your son and his girlfriend need to be a little cautious about the 5 year old. The child doesn't deserve to have people moving in and out of her life. Your son should avoid spending too much time with her until the adults have decided that there really is going to be a long enough relationship to involve the child."

Asking our parenting community: Has your teen or young adult dated a young parent? Please share your thoughts, experiences and advice in out comments area.

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Comments
March 30, 2010 at 1:49 pm
(1) Christopher Korman says:

I once in my late 20′s dated a women with 3 kids.My father told me I had no biz dating a women and trying to simulate a adult mature relations.He was right to the extend that I was dating outside of my social circles.Children who especially teenagers don’t want someone who is going to try to be buddies with them.There was this fine line between knowing when to speak up the kids who were disrespecting the parent and not.The women was 10 years older then me.The best thing that happened is that It taught me what I did want for myself and what I didn’t.This woman seemed abit self conscious because I had a learning disability and so did her daughter.The woman I was dating was social status conscious herself and Iam not tooting my own horn but she did seem to much more impressed with my father being a Celebrity.The irony was that she had told me that my family was going to not be impressed with who my father was and that they were going to accept me on merit.So the first time she met my family she bragged about her parents educational background.She felt like she had to compete with my father when she had asked me to down play it with her family.

March 31, 2010 at 8:21 am
(2) heidi says:

You’ve raised a special boy, willing to take on that commitment. Be proud of yourself. Also, ask yourself, if this girl were your daughter how would you want her treated? It sounds like she’s been through a lot and deserves praise not condemnation.

March 31, 2010 at 8:46 am
(3) peaceturtle says:

I was once in that same situation. I had a 3 year old daughter I was divorced then I met this guy who was two years younger than me. I was very cautious about bringing him around her until I was pretty sure we were secure. His parents wanted him to have nothing to do with me or my daughter. That was sad. He was 20 I was 22 we went through a lot together because of his parents now my daughter is 15 we have been married for 10 years his parents and I are ok we still have our ups and downs but we don’t care we love each other and my daughter and our children together and everything has worked out for us.

March 31, 2010 at 9:26 am
(4) Heath says:

Hi. I had a child when I was 19 years old and the biological father left and acted as if he did not have a child. She was born with gastroschisis which means all of her intestines and ovaries and more were on the outside when she was born, she was in the hospital for 101 days and I was then able to bring her home on IV’s which I had to run on her all on my own. She was off of the permanent IV by the time she was one year old and at that time I had met a guy who was 20 years old and I was 21. His family was very supportive and very kind to me and today I am 28 years old and we are married and I now have two more children, ages, 2 and 1 with him. My oldest child who is now 8 is completely fine and you would never know that she was born with complications. We have a happy and very successful family and I really wish you wouldn’t be so hard on that poor girl. They are 21 years old, let your son decide what he wants. It takes an amazing young man to take on that kind of responsibility and he must be doing it because he thinks that she and her child are very special. I would be dissapointed if I had parents that were as unopen as you. Good luck and realize that there are far worse things to spend time being concerned about in this world…. I’m glad that I was treated differently by my mother and father in law when I started dating their son when I already had a child.

March 31, 2010 at 10:09 am
(5) Tasha says:

I have to tell you that I understand the fears parents may have about this situation. Adding a child to a young life is scary. Think how that could be for the mother.
I can tell you from first hand experience that the stigmas attached to it are really unfair and are in themselves hard for the young mother to deal with on a daily basis. To face the world everyday knowing that people are looking at you like you are some type of easy, irresponsible girl is soul crushing to say the least.
Yes she made a bad decision, one that comes with a steep price however in my humbe opinion she ceratinly dosen’t deserve to be looked down upon for it. Her decision resulted in a beautiful life that she has bravely taken full resposibility for.
I would echo the statement of being proud of your son. The fact that you have rasied your son to be nonjudemental and open-minded has allowed him to see that this young woman being a mother does not automatically mean that she is not worthy of his love.
She obviously wasn’t privleged enough to come from a two parent environment(which may or may not be a reason for her being in the situation she has found herself in) but she is doing her best. Which is probably what has attracted your son to her in the first place.
As far as you choosing not to include her in your family situations that is your prerogative but to assume who she is before really getting to know her is probably at your lose.
Your own attitude maybe toxic to her success and her daughter for that matter. You maybe missing out on a great opportunity to show your son unconditional love and how to truly not pass judgement.
As far as her child is concerned, as long as they do everything in mind with her daughters well being as the main priorty she will be fine. Children have many people coming in and out of thier lives, ( friends, teachers) what more children need in thier lives however are people who love them and mean them no harm. And people who know how to be kind and nonjudemental, can you imagine what the world would be like if we could give that kind of peace to our children?

March 31, 2010 at 11:39 am
(6) D'Lyn says:

My heart breaks for that young, naive girl trying to make it on her own. Those parents are casting stones before even giving her a chance or getting to know her. Kudos to their more open-minded loving son. They are probably missing out on being blessed by this girl in the long run. What’s sad is if the son & girl ended up being together long-term, the girl will always remember how they treated her in the beginning, like a leper. These people, I realize they just want the best for their son & perhaps acting out of fear & appearances “what will people think?” mentality, but they need to bite their tongues, step back and know that everything happens for a reason, and this girl just may be a part of their son’s “best” or support & help him to find his own “best”. Innocent until proven guilty. Everyone deserves a chance. I was in the girls shoes and certain others opinions of me initially, I carried sadly for years.

April 5, 2010 at 8:51 am
(7) A says:

I also was a young mom who escaped an abusive relationship. If my mother in law had acted like you are, I would have wrote her off immediately because the last thing I needed at that time was yet another person being down on me. This woman needs to realize the only people she needs in her life are positive people. There is no going back in time and taking our actions back.
I think you are giving your son a very hard choice to make. He has to choose to stay with a woman he likes obviously because no guy would choose to date a woman with a child unless he really liked her or to please his mother. You might lose this one.

May 30, 2010 at 3:39 pm
(8) Christy says:

Your son is an adult, so while it may make sense to voice your concerns, it doesn’t seem fair to try to control his life by withholding your attention from the girlfriend. Maybe you should get to know her better and see how they behave together. In the end, trying to control your kids’ love life tends to backfire and could hurt your relationship with him.

July 2, 2010 at 4:42 pm
(9) Claudia says:

I was once that girl. I was In college, had great grades, made on mistake in my life, which was not waiting until I was married to have a child. I found a great guy or I should say HE FOUND ME A WONDERFUL person. We have been together since. Now it hasn’t always been easy, there have been many issues in regards to my daughter’s biological family, but they have always been handled with respect to everyone. My father in law wasn’t to thrilled at first nor my husbands grandma, but everyone else accepted me and loved me from the first day. Give her a chance. She could be just the person you want for your son.

August 28, 2012 at 11:36 am
(10) SL says:

I have a teen son (17) that really likes this girl (17) and she has a child. How should my husband and I react/act to this situation without pushing him away? They met at work but go to different high schools fopr there Senior year. Please help us help him.

Thank you.

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